Waiting for Patrick

by Brynn Stein

  I know. Ben was addressing more than Elliot’s answer to his quip about the elapsed years. I hate seeing u like this. I want u to live, Patrick. I want u 2 b happy.

  Elliot shrugged a shoulder. “We don’t always get what we want.”

  Ur mood is carrying over to dreams, u know. Not even sex makes u happy anymore.

  That seemed to get Elliot’s attention. “Making love to you still makes me happy, Ben. It was never just sex between us. And I do enjoy that with you. I….” He trailed off. He often did that these days, as if even finishing a thought was too much effort.

  Do u have ur meds n ur pocket?

  Elliot wrinkled his nose, but patted his pants pocket containing the medicine bottle. “The nitro? Yeah, why?”

  I want 2 make sure u have it if u start to have an attack.

  “You know it’s not a magic pill, right? There will come a time that even that and the ICD won’t help. Like in the last attack.”

  Maybe, but I want to make sure u have it.

  Elliot nodded. “I have it.”

  THREE DAYS later it happened. Elliot was getting dressed on Friday morning—he did at least still get his clothes on each morning—when he felt his chest tighten. He’d been bending over, tying his shoes, and was hard pressed to even straighten up.

  “Ben,” Elliot managed to rasp, but then whatever else he might have said was lost. He tried to stand, but the pain shot down his arm and through his back. He fell halfway onto the foot of the bed and grasped at his pants pockets, but he knew even as he did so that he hadn’t gotten around to putting the bottle of nitroglycerin in there yet. That was the last thing he did each morning in his dressing routine.

  Elliot fell to his knees and reached toward the bedside table, but he couldn’t reach the meds. He wasn’t all that surprised when he saw the bottle sail over to him. He quickly opened it—as quickly as he could manage with his chest in an invisible vise—and popped one of the hopefully lifesaving things under his tongue. He was still in so much pain he couldn’t stay upright on his knees. He fell forward, got his hands out in time and lingered there, trying to catch his breath, on all fours on his bedroom floor.

  The cell phone sailed across the room and landed just in front of him. Elliot shook his head. Whether to indicate that he didn’t want it or couldn’t use it, he wasn’t sure.

  Ben dialed 911 and pushed the phone toward him. Elliot managed to gasp, “Heart attack,” into the phone. The dispatcher recited his home address and asked for verification. Elliot thought he managed something that sounded like an affirmative, but he wasn’t sure. Neither he nor Ben pressed End, and the dispatcher was saying something, but Elliot had no idea what.

  He was supposed to wait five minutes before taking another nitro, but he’d lost all sense of time and the pain was getting worse. He felt the little zap from the ICD, but it wasn’t doing any good. He sank back onto his legs until he was in a position that would have looked more at home at prayer time in a mosque, but he was now too weak to hold himself up on his hands and knees.

  He popped the second pill into his mouth and dropped the bottle to the floor. It rolled away. Elliot was too busy clenching his eyes shut, trying to block out the pain, to watch where it went. He flopped over onto his side and clutched at his chest.

  Elliot heard beeps coming from the phone and assumed Ben was doing something with it. Before long it landed near him and nudged his hand. When he wrenched his eyes open, Sheri’s picture was on the screen.

  “Hi, Ellie” was her cheerful reply, but when she didn’t hear anything, her tone changed to worry and she asked, “Ellie?”

  Elliot tried to speak. He really did. But he was pretty sure his “Help, Sheri. It’s my heart again” sounded more like mummmpphhugh.

  It worked, though.

  “Ellie, are you at home?”

  Where else would he be, really? He tried his affirmative grunt again. It had seemed to work with the dispatcher.

  Sheri seemed to figure it out too. “I’m on my way.”

  Ben rolled the bottle back to Elliot, who reached for it but found a pill had rolled out. Whether accidentally or Ben-led, Elliot wasn’t sure, but he popped it under his tongue. Nothing helped. The pain was excruciating. The ICD wasn’t working. Ben rolled the bottle toward Elliot again. Elliot reached for it, but then stopped. The maximum dose was three. At that point it didn’t matter if he took more than he was supposed to, but he had to wonder what difference yet another one would even do. He grasped the bottle but had no strength to do anything with it. He was so tired… he wanted to just lie here.

  “Patrick.” Ben knelt beside him and touched his shoulder. When Elliot looked into his eyes, Ben continued. “Take another pill. It might work. I want you to try everything. I don’t want you to give up.”

  Elliot smiled at Ben’s beautiful face. He always loved looking at it.

  Wait a minute.

  “How can I hear you?” Elliot asked. “And see you?” He was sitting up. It was suddenly so much easier to breathe.

  That can’t be right. The meds don’t work that quickly.

  “You’re a lot closer to my side of things than I’d like, that’s how.” Ben gestured to the floor, where Elliot’s body lay.

  “How?” Elliot tried to make sense of things.

  “Don’t worry about it,” Ben encouraged. “You have just enough energy to take one more pill. Try. Try harder.”

  “They’re not magic, Ben. If the maximum dose hasn’t worked….”

  “Another one might. If nothing else, maybe it’ll give the ICD time to work. God knows it doesn’t seem to be doing much so far.”

  “Ben, I don’t want—”

  “Take the damn pill!” Ben pushed the bottle toward him and Elliot tried to take it, but his noncorporeal hand passed right through it.

  “I don’t know how to—” He waved his spiritual hand toward his physical body. “—you know, um, go back in.”

  “Just try, Patrick. Please.” Ben was crying.

  “Why?” Elliot suddenly didn’t even know why he’d taken the last one. “If it bought any time at all, it’d buy just enough for the ambulance you called to get me out of the house… maybe even to the hospital, but Ben! If I die there….”

  “I know.” Ben stroked his cheek. “But I don’t want you to die.”

  Elliot smiled. “Why?” He was surprised when he was able to brush the lock of hair out of Ben’s eyes. “It’s not like I’m really dying… like ceasing to be or something. I’ll be with you. We know with absolute certainty there’s something beyond death. Why are we still trying to avoid it? Why are we so terrified of it?”

  Ben grinned. “Because we’re conditioned to be.”

  Elliot smiled. “I guess so. But you know what?” He stood up and took Ben’s hand. “I’m not scared of it. I have you. We’ll be together, right?”

  Ben nodded. “I don’t want you to regret the decision.”

  “It’s not against the rules or anything, right? I mean, I did try to save my life. But a fourth pill is above and beyond, right? I don’t want any cosmic power to think I’m committing suicide and send me to hell or something.”

  Ben smiled. “It’s not suicide, and no, you won’t be going to some kind of hell. To answer your question, yes, we’ll be together. Forever. We won’t be separated again.” Ben stroked Elliot’s hair. “But I’ll wait, Patrick. You know I will.”

  Elliot smiled ruefully. “I know. And if I could be assured of coming home from the hospital this time, I’d go for another pill… if I could figure out how to actually pick up the damned thing at this point. But this one is different, Ben. It felt like my heart was exploding, and the poor thing is in such bad condition to start with, I don’t really think it’s going to survive something like that. Even with the fucking ICD.”

  Ben recognized the humor attempt and smiled.

  Elliot continued. “I don’t want to die somewhere else and we have to start this all over again. It took me so long to find yo
u in this life. I don’t want to take the chance of not finding you in the next one.”

  Ben kissed him gently and gestured to his body on the floor. “Last chance, Patrick.”

  Elliot knew what Ben meant. Looking at himself on the floor, he wasn’t sure it wasn’t past the last chance. The body wasn’t moving, and he could swear it was already losing color.

  Ben seemed to know what Elliot was thinking. “I can put the pill under your tongue. There’s still a faint heartbeat.”

  “How do you know that?” Elliot smiled and Ben shrugged, so Elliot addressed the question. “No. Don’t. I’ve had a good run, Ben. But I want to be with you now.”

  Ben nodded and brushed the hair out of Elliot’s face, then did the same for the now lifeless body on the floor.

  Elliot caught sight of the cell phone beside his body. “Sheri’s going to be devastated.”

  “It might not be too late, if you’ve changed your mind. The ambulance should be here soon, if you fight hard enough, you might—”

  Elliot ran a hand over Ben’s cheek, then through his hair, grasping the back of his head. He pulled him toward him in a searing kiss. “I haven’t changed my mind. I love you, you idiot.”

  Ben grinned. “I love you too.” He rested his forehead on Elliot’s. “But you’re right. She’s going to be crushed.”

  “And pissed.” Elliot laughed.

  “That too.” Ben had to agree.

  “I wish I could leave a message. Let her know I’m with you. That I’m okay. But I don’t want people thinking it’s a suicide note.”

  Ben nodded, then got an idea. He opened the drawer of the nightstand and took out two drawings. The one Daniel had drawn of Elliot and his sketch of Ben.

  “Good idea.” Elliot tried to take the portraits but his hand passed right through them.

  Ben laughed. “It takes time to be able to move things.”

  “I guess so.” Elliot looked at his hand as if it had disappointed him just for spite.

  Ben placed the pictures on the bed, overlapping a little on that horrible bedspread that Elliot never got replaced.

  “That’s good,” Elliot agreed. “She’ll get the message.”

  “That’s not going to keep her from being pissed.”

  “Oh hell no,” Elliot agreed. “She’ll probably be more pissed. But she’ll know for a fact I’m with you. Eventually she might be happy for me.”

  Ben chuckled. “After she kicks your ass in her mind a million and a half times.”

  Elliot nodded. He really would miss Sheri, and he knew she would be angry. He didn’t know if she would ever truly forgive him, if she thought he’d had a choice, but he had to do this. He had to be with Ben. He always had.

  As if summoned by the thought, Sheri burst into the house. Elliot could hear her slamming through the door downstairs.

  “Speak of the devil.” Ben grinned.

  “Ellie?” Sheri shrieked, and Elliot heard her barreling up the stairs.

  “Ben.” Elliot gasped and took Ben’s hand. He didn’t want to watch this. He knew Sheri was going to dissolve. He had wanted to be gone by the time she got there.

  “We might as well stay now, Patrick. Maybe we can find a way to help.”

  The sirens had been getting closer and finally found their stopping place outside the house.

  Elliot was a little scared. “They’re not going to be able to bring me back, are they?”

  Ben kissed Elliot’s hair. “Not if you don’t want them to. No. Possibly not even then at this point.”

  Elliot nodded but his attention was on Sheri. She was in the room by now and collapsed to Elliot’s side.

  “Ellie.” Tears started and she could barely speak. “Oh my God. Ellie. No.” She was taking his pulse, but she seemed to know before she touched him that she wouldn’t find one.

  Malcolm finally got to the bedroom doorway. Elliot was glad he had come with Sheri. He enfolded her in his arms and let her cry.

  “He’s going to help her,” Elliot stated. “I’m really glad she found him. Miss I’m Never Settling Down may have found the one in spite of herself.”

  Ben nodded. “I think so too.”

  Elliot didn’t even ask if Ben was guessing or if he could tell Sheri and Malcolm were soul mates. Right now it didn’t matter. Malcolm was going to get her through this. The pictures on the bed would be a message to Daniel too, and while Elliot knew Daniel would grieve, he knew he’d be okay.

  He turned back to Ben and kissed him briefly. “What now?”

  “Now we live happily ever after.” Ben beamed a smile.

  “What? We both haunt the plantation house forevermore?”

  Ben flicked the end of his nose. “No, idiot.” He held out his hand and started toward the closet door.

  Elliot put his hand in Ben’s. “We’re going to live in my closet?” When Ben started to flick his nose again, he grinned. “Okay, okay. But really? Where are we going? Heaven? Nirvana? Paradise?”

  “All of the above, love.” Ben stopped, kissed him, then started walking again. “Now that we’re finally together? All of the above.”

  Elliot didn’t even notice when the bedroom faded from view.

  More from Brynn Stein

  Branson Farrell lost his parents when he was thirteen, and for the last ten years his brother, Mac, eight years his senior, has taken care of him. But Mac’s love came at a price. Both brothers were raised to believe being gay was completely unacceptable, and Branson has almost convinced himself he can be what Mac expects. When he looks at a man in a bar and Mac notices, Mac drags him off in horror.

  Mac’s distress and disgust leads to a car accident that leaves Branson injured and Mac in a coma. Branson heals and stays at Mac’s bedside, but when Mac doesn’t recover, he is moved to a long-term care facility. There, Branson meets openly gay, confident, and attractive Liam Sullivan. Liam stirs feelings Branson thought he’d rid himself of, and to honor his brother, Branson fights tooth and nail against his attraction. When the cost of denying who he is becomes too high, Branson must battle a lifetime of hatred that’s been beaten into his body and mind to try for something of his own.

  Eric Duncan rolls into a quaint Upstate New York town to sell medical supplies. He doesn’t intend to stay long, but an apparently homeless man whom he keeps running into catches his attention. While passersby ignore the man, Eric can’t leave the situation alone.

  Dennis Hayden’s last memory is of hiking in the mountains. He doesn’t know how he ended up in town, nor how he keeps popping up in various places. He walks around aimlessly, trying to recall something as simple as his name. He’s not sure what to think of the stranger he sees repeatedly, and who keeps trying to talk to him.

  While meeting a potential client at the hospital, Eric overhears a young lady looking for her brother who went missing several days ago, while hiking. Eric recognizes the picture of Dennis on the flyer and sets out to reunite him with his sister.

  Daniel Larson has walled himself off from any possibility of romance since his lover died violently five years ago in Afghanistan. The same bomb that ended his partner’s life took the lower part of Daniel’s left leg. The only support Daniel has, his Uncle Lawrence, is dead-set against anything homosexual, including Daniel.

  Now, a popular language teacher at the local university, Daniel’s suffering from a car accident that broke his one good leg. His uncle, who is much better at throwing money at things than offering emotional support, provides a rented power chair and a private in-home nurse. Unbeknownst to his uncle, the nurse comes in the form of a man named Jonah Thacker.

  Instantly attracted, Daniel and Jonah fight their mutual feelings in favor of professionalism. They become friends anyway, and Jonah shares his life with Daniel, including his handicapped son, Ethan. As Jonah and Daniel grow closer, Daniel becomes more involved in Jonah and his son’s lives, even being there for Ethan when his medical conditions worsen. But when Daniel’s uncle finds out the nurse he’s hired is male, h
e uses all of his resources to keep Jonah and Daniel apart.

  Edward and Gene were instantly drawn to each other when they met at college in Maryland. Fast friends, they developed a “closer than brothers” relationship. But then Edward began to feel more for Gene. In 1967, those kind of feelings would not be tolerated. Not even by Edward himself.

  Gene always thought he was asexual. He had never been attracted to anyone… until he met Edward. He dreamed of Edward as more than a friend throughout college, but he knew Edward would not welcome that kind of attention. So Gene wasn’t surprised when Edward reacted badly to a drunken kiss just before Edward’s graduation. He was surprised when Edward moved to Florida and had little to do with him for years afterward.

  When fate finally brings them back together, Edward is married and has a little girl. Gene gladly accepts the role of “Uncle Gene,” happy to have Edward in his life in any capacity. Together, they face all the trials and tribulations life throws at them, including the death of Edward’s wife, and as each grows and matures, their life views change. The relationship they’ve secretly wanted all along is closer than ever, and if Edward can break free from his homophobic upbringing and admit his feelings for Gene, there might still be a chance for them to share their lives in the way they both desire.

  Young Stevie Liston is diagnosed with autism, but is really an overwhelmed empath who mentally called out for help. Jesse McKinnon heard him in a dream from clear across the country, and that dream sent him on a six-year search to find Stevie. Once they meet, they think everything will work out and Jesse will help Stevie cope.

  Stevie does improve immensely, but a disgruntled coworker of Jesse’s conspires with Stevie’s estranged but politically powerful father to keep Stevie and Jesse apart with trumped-up legal charges claiming Jesse sexually abused the boy. Jesse must watch helplessly as Stevie loses all the advances he’s made.

  If it wasn’t for his growing relationship with his coworker Drew Ferguson, Jesse knows he wouldn’t have the strength to fight for his rights and Stevie’s future. Drew just might be the real thing, but with the very real possibility of serving jail time for a crime he didn’t commit, Jesse’s hopes for a future with Drew might be doomed.