I cocked my head to one side, deep in thought. “He asked me why I cared about what you thought. And I—” I felt my brows furrowing, “I told him I didn’t know whether or not I cared about what you thought of me. But that’s not true.” Then I reached the logical conclusion that in my heart I had known all along. “But the truth is, I do care what you think about me, because otherwise why would I care about what SG said to you? Why would I care enough to bring it up to you later, to explain what she meant?”
I was suddenly shaken out of my reverie. I looked at Tarek. Oh my God, I did care what he thought about me. Why the hell had I stopped cursing around him? When the hell did I start caring about what people thought about what I said or did? I hadn’t cared about hooking up with Saul when I had been out with Josh and Eric, and I didn’t care about them knowing about it. But I cared about Tarek knowing about it, and I didn’t want him to find out, especially since he apparently knew Saul.
I was like a deer in the headlights. I froze instantly, in shock. When was the last time that I had been over at a guy’s place talking, not hooking up, this late at night? The answer was: never. I had never even been over at Eric’s or Josh’s this late.
“Isabel, are you OK?”
I looked at Tarek. His eyes were full of emotion, but what type I couldn’t tell. Oh God, don’t pity me, I thought.
“Did I say all that out loud?” That was a stupid question, I realized. You know you did.
He reached a hand toward my hair, brushing it away from my cheek. The feel of his hand against my face was enough to make my pulse speed up. I looked into his eyes and saw a question there. My face moved toward his. Then I freaked.
“I should go,” I said automatically. I was so confused.
“I’ll drive you home,” he said, smiling, a bit wistfully.
The drive to my apartment building was pretty uneventful. During the entire car trip, I couldn’t look at Tarek. He looked at me a couple of times, but I couldn’t look back.
I couldn’t believe I had let my guard down like that. It was late, my inhibitions had started to fall away, and I had started to bare my soul like a freaking idiot. Hadn’t he said that this was not a date?
Then he startled me.
“What are you thinking about?”
“That I talk too much.” That was the truth, at least partially.
He laughed. “I don’t think you talk enough.”
“Oh, ha ha,” I mimicked.
“Isabel, I’m serious. I like hearing about you.”
“Well, you know almost everything about me.” I was looking out the window now. I still wouldn’t look at him.
“I highly doubt that.” His tone was serious.
I realized that I had been holding my breath. I exhaled slowly. I was starting to feel tired. I leaned my head back against the seat.
“Can I ask you something?” he said then. We were about to exit the highway near where I lived.
“I guess,” I said. My tone was resigned.
“It’s nothing bad,” he said. I could hear the smile in his voice.
“What, then?”
“Will you take me to the shooting range some time?”
My head whipped around. “What?”
“You heard me.”
“Have you ever shot before?”
“Yes, a long time ago.”
“I usually don’t teach people to shoot.”
“Is that a ‘no?’ ”
“It’s a—” I looked at him. “It’s a maybe, if you promise to listen to everything I tell you.”
“Isabel, when have I not listened to you?”
“When I told you I studied alone. You didn’t listen to me, then.”
“Oh my God, you’re going to bring that up for the rest of our lives?”
“Yes, I will!” I was glad that he hadn’t listened to me, though.
“OK,” he said slowly, “I promise that I will listen to everything that you say.”
“And that you’ll follow instructions?”
“Yes, I promise.”
“It’s a liability nightmare for me, you do realize that, don’t you?”
“Then you can have me sign a waiver.”
“You’ll have to sign one at the range, but maybe I’ll create one for purposes of you holding me harmless against any and all liability.” I couldn’t help smiling then.
Tarek smiled too, in a way that suggested that he was happy that I was smiling.
He pulled into the parking lot of my building and parked the car.
“Thanks for driving me home,” I told him without looking at him.
“I’ll walk you to your apartment. It’s really late and this parking lot is not well-lit.”
He was right about that. In fact, I had myself complained to management about the lack of lighting here. Even so, I wondered if walking me to my door was some kind of pretext. He didn’t seem like the kind of guy to do that, though, so I quickly put it out of my mind.
When we got to the main door, I opened it and we walked upstairs. The lighting inside was much better. However, I still managed to trip on the stairs when my heel caught on the step.
Tarek grabbed my upper arm as I stumbled. I corrected myself.
“Are you OK?” he said.
“Yes, I—my heel caught. I’m just tired.”
“Tired or a little drunk?” Tarek smiled.
“I didn’t drink that much,” I countered. “But it doesn’t take much,” I added ruefully.
“Oh really?” his eyes were playful.
“No, actually—I’m a cheap drunk.”
“Well, I’ll have to remember that next time.”
“You wish,” I grinned a bit.
He released my arm and we continued walking.
When we got to my apartment door, I fumbled with my keys. I realized that I was nervous.
“How many keys do you have?” Tarek asked me jokingly. He was leaning against the wall next to my door, close enough to make my pulse race.
“Let’s see, one . . . two . . . three,” I started to count them. I had a ton.
Tarek laughed. “Oh my God.”
“Oh, it was a rhetorical question?” I asked with fake surprise. “You mean you didn’t really want to know? Well, dude, you should make that clear next time.”
Then I heard my neighbor’s dog bark. It was a quick succession of ruf, ruf, ruf, ruf, ruf!
As I was opening my door John came out of his.
“Oh hey,” he said to me. He was fully dressed. He must have been watching TV or something. That made me feel better because it meant that we hadn’t woken him up with our chatter.
“Sorry for the noise, John,” I told him.
“Sorry for the barking. He barks at anything.” Of course he does. He’s a Beagle.
John was looking at Tarek, so I introduced them.
“Is this your boyfriend?” John asked me.
“No, um—” I struggled nervously for a second, “he’s a friend of mine from school.”
A ‘friend’ who I happened to be bringing home at around 4 a.m. on a Saturday night.
“Oh, sorry,” John said then, “I’ve never seen you with anyone before.”
“It’s because I’m antisocial,” I said. “Or so I’ve been told.”
Tarek chuckled and I hit him playfully on the shoulder with the back of my right hand.
“See you later, John,” I told him.
“Have a good night.” John smiled.
We entered my apartment and I closed the door. I was chuckling to myself.
“What?” Tarek asked me.
“‘Have a good night,’ he said.” Then the words tumbled out of my mouth as I threw my keys on the counter. “It’s obvious what he thinks we’re going to do in here.”
“Of course it is. What else would two law students do at 4 a.m. on a Saturday night?”
I looked at him, open-mouthed. He looked back at me, shaking his head.
“I meant studying, or arguing about the law,
since law students like to hear themselves talk.”
“Well, that’s true,” I conceded. Then we were looking at each other.
“Can I get you anything before you head out?” I asked him. “Coffee or anything?”
“You know I don’t drink coffee.”
“I know, but I still harbor the illusion that I can convert you one day.”
He smiled. Then there was silence for a second. “No, thank you, I don’t need anything,” he said.
I suddenly felt the air heavy with the weight of the decision I needed to make, like this was the moment that I needed to decide what, if anything, to do about him, or with him. What had been my rules again? No arm-touching. Fail. No ear-whispering. Fail. No hand-holding. Fail again.
But I had told myself that I was open to kissing him tonight. Oh, who the hell was I kidding? If I kissed him, that would lead to sex because I would not be able to control myself.
I could feel my pulse and my breathing quicken. I concentrated on taking deep breaths to calm down. I needed to say something, but I also needed him out of here because the longer he stayed, the less resistance I would have.
“Tarek,” I began, “Thank you for dinner. I had a really good time tonight.” But he knew that, right? Hadn’t I told him earlier that I really enjoyed spending time with him?
He took one, two steps toward me. I froze. We ended up less than a foot away from each other.
“Thank you for inviting me out tonight,” he told me.
“Of course,” I looked down.
“I had a good time tonight too,” he said.
He didn’t say anything else so I looked up.
“Isabel, I’m going to go but I want to tell you something.”
Oh my God, what?!
He paused for what was probably a second, but to me felt like an eternity.
“I saw you the other day, you know?”
Holy shit, what was he talking about?!
“When?” I asked, confused.
“In the beginning, I saw you on the metro.”
I was still confused. “You’ve seen me on the metro lots of times.” I shook my head, my brows furrowing.
He looked into my eyes, smiling. “The day you were listening to your music, dancing.”
Why did he feel the need to embarrass me now?
I crossed my arms, huffed and looked away.
“No, I mean—” he said quickly, placing both his hands on my upper arms, as if he wanted to prevent me from running away. “Before that, I saw you give your seat to that lady with a little child.”
“And?” What was his point with bringing this up?
“And the first day of International Law class,” he continued, “I saw you help Zara with the door.”
“So? A lot of people do that.”
“No, they don’t,” he said firmly. “But you do. And that’s why—”
I could tell that he was struggling with what to say. With his hands on my arms, he was also drawing me closer to him. Oh no, I thought anxiously. Tarek, don’t kiss me, I pleaded mentally. If you kiss me, I’ll drag you into my bed and I don’t want that. I mean, I do want that but I don’t know if I want it right now. I was confusing myself again.
“Isabel, you asked me earlier why I was so insistent on studying with you.” He said the next part quickly, like he was afraid that if he paused to think about it he wouldn’t say it. “It’s because I saw you and I knew that you were someone that I wanted to get to know.”
I was shocked. He had actually said it. He had practically admitted that studying was a pretext to get to know me. This was all starting to be more than I had bargained for.
We were so close now that I could reach out my hand a little and touch his hair. And that’s what I did. I couldn’t help it.
With my eyes still on his face, I uncrossed my arms and touched his curls with my left hand, twirling one around my finger. Before I knew what I was doing, I was pulling on his hair, pulling him toward me. It wasn’t difficult; he leaned in quite willingly. I could feel my breath coming more quickly. Every fiber in my body was suddenly on fire.
Then I had the thought, If I did this what would I feel like tomorrow? I would be happy, wouldn’t I? But what would he feel like? I didn’t know and the uncertainty totally freaked me out. I could not handle it if he woke up tomorrow and regretted this. I could not.
So as I drew him to me I tilted my head to the right and put my arms around him and lay my head on his shoulder, with my mouth away from his neck so that I wouldn’t be tempted to kiss him there. I wasn’t sure that this was a great idea either, since I could feel his body against mine with my breasts against his chest. He wrapped his arms around me and drew me to him.
I didn’t want to let him go. I wanted him in bed with me right now. I felt his hands on my back and his head against mine. I closed my eyes.
I imagined holding him like this with no clothes on. That was a mistake. I shuddered.
“Are you cold?” Tarek asked me.
I pulled away all at once, dropping my hands. “A little,” I lied. I smiled shyly and looked down. “It’s late,” I said softly.
“I’ll go,” he said, just as softly.
“I’ll see you in class Monday.”
“OK,” then he added, “we’re on for next weekend, right?”
I looked at him curiously. Next weekend?
“I meant studying,” he said a little shyly.
I smiled. “Of course.”
He turned and opened the door. I went after him, standing in the doorway with him just outside.
“Tarek, I—” I started, then lost the courage to continue, partly because I had no idea what to say exactly or how to say it.
He looked at me, and I must have had a pained expression of some sort on my face because he took a step toward me and touched my arm.
“Isabel, remember what I told you.”
I was confused. It was a feeling I was quickly learning to live with. “About what?”
He sighed. “You don’t have to decide right now.”
Decide what? I wanted to ask. How long did I have?
Instead, I smiled faintly. I don’t deserve someone like you.
“Good night, Tarek,” I said.
“Good night.” He smiled and left. I closed the door.
I started to wilt like a flower. I was tired and the last thirty to forty-five minutes had been so emotionally charged for me.
I was thinking back over everything that had happened that night. I had shown a lot of my cards. I hadn’t intended to do that. Oh, well. I still have plenty left.
But that was a lie that I was telling myself. For some reason, that lie was easier than accepting the truth.
I was thinking about how incredible Tarek had looked tonight, and how nice he was, and how great a dancer he was, and how it had seemed like with only one sign from me, he was ready to kiss me.
But this hadn’t been a date, right?
Then I realized something with a bit of dread. In an uncommon moment of sheer veracity, I admitted the truth to myself. For some reason, I needed to tell someone right away. I felt something tonight that I hadn’t felt in a long time. I didn’t recognize the feeling at first. I had thought that it was lust. But it wasn’t. I wanted Tarek, but not for the reasons that I had originally thought. The realization made me feel alive.
I took my phone out. Lara would be sleeping by now, but I would send her a text message anyway.
OMG you were totally right. I like him. I mean, I want to date him.
Date someone. Whatever the hell that meant.
I was totally screwed. Admitting that meant admitting that he had some hold over me. Not that he necessarily meant to do that.
I was elated but I was also freaked out of my mind.
And I couldn’t believe that he had said those things. He was interested in me as something more than a friend. He had admitted as much, hadn’t he?
I went to stand in front of the window behind my
dining table, and stared at the metro tracks, the lamps on the platforms lighting the way into Washington, without really seeing them.
I didn’t know what to do. I gazed outside my window for what seemed like an inordinate amount of time.
In the end I knew I wouldn’t do anything, even if I felt more alive. That is, I wouldn’t do anything differently. I was too scared.
But, as I would soon find out, it didn’t matter what I planned to do, or not to do. Things were going to turn out a certain way, and I could either accept them or not.
What would be surprising to me was how quickly I would acquiesce to my fate.
COPYRIGHT
MISCALCULATED RISKS © 2015 by Maria R. Riegger
All rights reserved
No part of this book may be reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.
For information, contact
Maria Riegger
P.O. Box 90541
Alexandria, VA 22309
ISBN 978-1-4951-7372-1
First edition 2015
Raven's Flight Page 29
