“I need to go into town today to pick up some supplies and take care of some business. Do you and Jacob want to come with me?” he asked.
“No, thank you.” She didn’t want to chance running into Brett. It had been hard enough not to leave with him yesterday. She gave Jake a small smile. “Not this time. We’ll go with you the next time.” She wanted to reassure him that there would be a next time, that what she was going through was only temporary, that it would last only until Monday.
Leaning over, he placed a kiss on the top of her head. “I’ll be late. Don’t wait supper on me.”
After he left, she damned her eyes for the torrent of tears they were sending down her cheeks. She’d dry up to nothing, like the bleached bones on the arid land, if she kept crying this much.
Walking aimlessly, Rebecca pulled Jacob in his wagon around the corrals, through the barn, under the clattering windmill, back around the house and finally settled on their final destination, the weathered oak tree that provided shade for their small home. She set Jacob down on a blanket, which he rapidly scooted off, pulling himself up to his feet. Hugging the age-old tree, he walked around it, gleefully enjoying his independence. Watching her son, she wondered if any child had ever been as happy, any child as loved as he was. She could not fault Jake for the attention he gave the boy. If she were honest with herself, she couldn’t fault him for anything. He’d given her everything he had promised. The fault lay within herself.
She had doubted that Brett would return. That was her mistake. And now Brett would suffer for it. It seemed an eternity since she had walked through the night with Jake and decided to accept his offer, decided that even if Brett returned it would be too late. But how was she to have known he would return or that it would hurt so much to see him?
Sean ambled over and hunkered down before her, a stance she had often seen Jake take, and she wondered if Brian minded that his sons so emulated her husband.
“Saw Mr. Jake hitch up the wagon this morning. Did he go into town?”
“He had some business to take care of,” Rebecca told the boy.
Sean nodded. “Think he’ll stop by the general store?”
She smiled. “He said something about picking up some supplies.”
“Think he’ll pick up some sweets?”
Her smile deepened. “He usually does, doesn’t he?” she asked.
Sean bobbed his head, then reached into his pocket and brought out two coins. “Mr. Jake’s been paying me one dollar a month to take care of Shorty. I sure do like Mr. Jake.”
“I like him, too,” Rebecca said. And she did. She always had.
Sean eyed her warily. “Don’t you love him?”
“He’s my husband, Sean. What do you think?”
The boy’s eyes narrowed, and Rebecca wished she hadn’t asked the question. Children, with their innocent abandon, were too apt to see the truth. Sean gave a curt nod.
“Yep. You love him. Want me to pull Jacob for a while?”
She plopped Jacob back into the wagon and watched as his smile stretched across his face further and further with each step Sean took. She settled herself back against the tree, wondering how she had managed to fool Sean. Children were not easily fooled. And if she had fooled him, who else had she managed to fool?
No matter how desperately she sought it, sleep would not come to her. Rebecca heard the creaking of the wagon,wishing she had fallen asleep before Jake got back. She didn’t want to hurt him, she really didn’t, but she didn’t think she could stand his being nice to her.
Jake quietly closed the door behind him, remembering a time when more than a lamp sitting on a table welcomed him home. He hung his hat on a peg and set his boots down beside the door. He walked over to the table and sent the flame in the lamp to sleep with a quick breath of air. He didn’t expect to find sleep for himself so easily. He walked past the quilt, and his eyes fell on his wife huddled on the far side of the bed. Her breathing wasn’t deep enough for her to be asleep, but she didn’t move as he approached, and he wondered how much of the past year she regretted. Cautiously, he slipped under the covers and very slowly slipped his arm around her, wanting her to think he thought she was asleep so he could hold her.
“My head hurts, Jake.”
She felt his body stiffen.
“I only want to hold you, Reb.” Then in a pained whisper, he added, “Please.”
Those damnable tears filled Rebecca’s eyes as she scooted over until her backside was pressed against his stomach.
He pressed his lips against the top of her head, inhaling the fresh scent of her hair. She must have washed it while he was away. It always smelled like roses right after she’d washed it, and it felt as fine as cornsilk.
“I was wondering,” he said quietly, “if you and Jacob would go on a picnic with me tomorrow, out to that little pond.”
“I have so many chores I didn’t get done today. I was planning on doing them tomorrow.”
“The chores’ll wait. Please, Reb. It would mean a lot to me for the three of us to spend some time together tomorrow.”
God, now she had him begging her. He who had given her everything was forced to beg for a simple picnic. She rolled over, putting her arms around him, pressing her cheek against his hardened chest.
“I think we could all use a picnic,” she said.
Drawing his arms more tightly around her, he wished he couldn’t feel where her tears had dampened her cheeks. Tomorrow was Sunday, and the following day, at noon, Brett Meier would ride out of town. And Jake was afraid the man wouldn’t be leaving alone.
The bluebonnets had long since left the hillside, replaced with new flowers in a variety of colors. Picking at the tall blades of grass surrounding them, Rebecca sat on the quilt Jake had spread out on the thick blanket of clover. Her mind was far away from this site, wondering where she would be today, how different her life would be, if she had waited for Brett’s return. He might have come before Jacob was born. Her son would have been legitimatized by his own father instead of Jake. She released a deep sigh. Whatifs never did much good, certainly never perked her up.
“Do you want something to eat?” Jake asked, wishing she’d bestow upon him a smile, a warm smile that said she cared about him. He needed this picnic, to have one last memory of them here on this hillside.
She lifted a shoulder. “No. I’m really not too hungry just yet.”
“Would you like something to drink? I made you some of that lemonade you were partial to when we went to the Market.”
“No, thank you.”
Rubbing his hands on his thighs, he glanced over at Jacob, sound asleep on a tiny blanket nearby. Even the boy wasn’t going to cooperate. Jake took a sip of the lemonade, his mouth puckering at the taste, wondering what else went into it besides water and the juice squeezed from lemons. Sugar maybe, or honey? He tossed the tart drink onto the grass, grateful Reb hadn’t tried it.
“Would you like for me to push you in the swing?” Jake asked.
“No,” Rebecca sighed. A bee buzzed by, circled around and landed on the tip of her shoe where it peeked out from beneath her skirt. She studied it, thinking of the first picnic they had shared here beneath the tree and the bee that had come along and spoiled the afternoon. Jake had brought her and Jacob back here many times since then. It was always pleasant, always peaceful. Except for today. She snapped her head around. “I am spoiling the day, aren’t I, Jake? Why ever do you put up with me? Yes, I’d like for you to push me in the swing.” She jumped up and he grabbed her hand. “Sit back down, Reb. I got something to say, and I should have said it sooner.”
Rebecca sat down, dreading his words, afraid he was going to ask her if she still loved Brett. Once Brett left, everything would be all right, everything would return to normal. She would even be able to talk about him, but not now, not while he was so close, within easy reach.
“I went to see Doyle Thomas when I was in town yesterday.”
“Doyle Thomas? What i
n the world do we need with a lawyer?”
Jake’s eyes held hers. Please Lord, don’t let her want this, let her tell me I was wrong. “I asked him to draw up divorce papers.”
“Divorce papers? Why did you do that?”
He took a deep breath. “Because when I asked you to marry me, I told you I’d never expect more from you than you were willing to give … that includes staying with me when the man you love has come for you.”
Rebecca’s hands flew to her mouth, the life back in her eyes. “Do you mean it, Jake?”
“Yes, ma’am. I do.”
Her slender fingers couldn’t hide the brightness of the smile spreading across her face. Jake’s heart soared to know he could bring her such happiness before it plummeted to its death. The muscles in his throat constricted, and he swallowed repeatedly, trying to get them to loosen up.
“He’ll have the papers ready for us in the morning. I figured we could go into town first thing and sign them. It’ll take about two months for the divorce to be finalized, but you could go ahead and go to Montana with Brett. Mr. Thomas will send you the divorce papers when they’re final.”
She grabbed his hand and placed a kiss of gratitude on the roughened skin, her smile lessening as she realized she was going to be leaving this good man. “I don’t know what to say,” she said quietly, her earlier exuberance dissipating. “I wasn’t expecting this.”
Jake didn’t know what to say either, but he knew the picnic was over. “I reckon we ought to get back. I imagine you got some packing to do.”
She dropped his hand and began gathering her things, her son included. Then she spun around and watched Jake as he brought the corners of the quilt together, clumsily folding up the picnic, looking so alone, so lonely. Tears gathered in her eyes, and she turned away, her eyes blinking back the tears until she could see clearly. What she saw before her brought the tears back. She walked over and touched the rope of the swing.
Jake waited patiently for Rebecca to say good-bye to the hillside, hoping she’d understand if their own good-bye was brief.
They rode back in silence, Jake sullen and quiet, Rebecca thoughtful as she anticipated packing for her trip to Montana. Montana. Montana with Brett. It was what she wanted, to be with Brett, to be his wife. It’s what she would have had a year ago if he hadn’t left, if circumstances hadn’t forced her to settle for something else.
Jake stopped the wagon outside the house, helping Rebecca down from the wagon. For the briefest moment while he held her, he wanted desperately to pull her to him, to hold her, to tell her he loved her. Instead he simply released her and moved up to lead the horses into the barn. She headed for the house, her step light, and then she turned abruptly, her face uncertain.
“What should I take with me?”
He turned to face her, memorizing the image of her standing in the doorway to what was no longer their house, but was now only his. “Anything you want to. Everything was for you.”
She nodded, turning and hurrying into the house. It was a few minutes later that she heard the horse whinny outside the door.
Stepping out onto the porch, she saw Jake sitting astride his stallion, his hat pulled down so low that she couldn’t see his eyes at all, a shadow drawn over the rest of his features.
“I gotta go check on the herd. I’ll be back late.”
She started to go to him, to receive her customary good-bye kiss, but stopped, realizing she’d probably receive no more from him. He tilted his head slightly, touching his finger to the brim of his hat, and rode away.
Chapter Sixteen
STARING OUT THE bedroom window, Rebecca sat huddled in the bed, her nightgown pulled down over her drawn-up knees. She had effectively shuttered away her dreams of being with Brett, but all it had taken was seeing him in her doorway to bring back the dreams, the longing to be with him. Then Jake had offered her the opportunity to transform the dream into reality, and she’d snatched it up without even considering what it must have cost him. How could she have been so insensitive, so selfish? Why hadn’t she taken a moment to appreciate the gift wrap before discarding it for the gift?
She had been in bed two hours now, waiting for Jake to return. In the distance, she saw the lone rider, shoulders hunched, his horse plodding along slowly. After everything he had done for her, he deserved better than she’d given him. She waited half an hour before sadly realizing that he wasn’t going to come to her.
Rebecca slipped a shawl over her shoulders and went out to the barn. Pitching hay around as though his life depended on it, Jake didn’t hear her approach. He jumped away when she touched his arm.
“Made me jump out of my skin. You should be asleep.”
“I couldn’t sleep. What are you doing?”
“Trying … trying to get this barn cleaned up. Seems like I never have time anymore to do the most basic things.”
“Aren’t you going to come to bed?”
He returned to throwing hay into an empty stall. “No. I got too much energy tonight.”
She moved closer to him, resting a hand on his arm. “I know better ways to use up that energy.”
He stilled, his eyes delving into hers. “No,” he said softly.
“Why not? I’m still your wife.”
He shook his head sadly. “I never wanted it that way.”
“It was never given simply because I’m your wife. I cared about you. I still do.”
His eyes caressed her face the way his hands ached to. “I don’t know how to make sure you don’t get pregnant.”
She searched his face. “I could be pregnant now.”
“I’ve thought of that. And if you are, I was wondering if you’d mind letting me know … I won’t bother you or come for the baby unless you don’t want him … then I would … I don’t want him to grow up not feeling loved.”
“I’d want him, Jake.”
He gave a slight nod. “I wasn’t sure. But will you let me know?”
She nodded. “And you’d be welcome anytime to come see him.”
Jake shook his head. “It’d be best if I didn’t. I’d just want to know.”
She rubbed his arm. “Please come to bed. If nothing else, just hold me.”
“Let me finish up here. Won’t take me long.”
Releasing her hold on his arm, she walked slowly out of the barn. The vibration of the pitchfork hitting the ground and the hay sifting to the earth were the only sounds from within.
Gazing out the window, she watched as some time later Jake came out of the barn. He shrugged out of his shirt, and splashed the cool water over his body and through his hair. Even now, he wouldn’t come into the house smelling like he’d been outside all day. She wondered if he’d wash up when she wasn’t here; if it was just his habit or if it was something he did for her. He turned back towards the house, and she slipped behind the quilt that still separated their bed from the rest of the house.
Sitting down on the porch, Jake stared up at the stars twinkling in the blackened sky. Silver clouds reflected the moon’s faint light. Only the barest of breezes moved around him. Horses nickered in the corral. Everything appeared the same. And tomorrow, it would probably still appear no different.
He pulled his boots off before stepping into the house in his stockinged feet. He stopped beside Jacob’s cradle, hunkering down beside the sleeping boy. Jacob was sleeping on his stomach, his knees drawn up under him so his bottom was sticking up high in the air. Looked damned uncomfortable to Jake but the boy’s face was serene and peaceful and Jake wondered what he was dreaming.
“You won’t even remember me,” he whispered to the sleeping child, “but I’ll never forget you.” He lowered his face to the small head and placed a light kiss on the dark hair.
As he stood up, he saw Rebecca peering around the quilt.
“You need to get some sleep,” he said. “Tomorrow’s going to be a long day.”
Rebecca slipped out of her gown before slipping in under the covers, watching Ja
ke, his back to her, shed his clothes down to his underwear and then stop. When was the last time he had worn anything to bed? Lifting the covers, he got into bed in one fluid movement, lifting an arm, welcoming her into his final embrace, closing his arm around her.
“I’m sorry, Jake,” she whispered. “I never meant to hurt you.”
“I know. I got no regrets, Reb.” “How can you not?”
“You’ve given me enough happiness to last a lifetime.”
The ache in her heart grew until she thought she’d die from it. She began whispering his name over and over as she placed kisses lightly on his chest, his neck. Jake cupped her face in his strong hands, stilling her caresses, holding her eyes with his own.
“Don’t, Reb.”
“Please, Jake. Please. One more time. Let me say good-bye proper. The way I want to.” “I can’t, honey.”
She placed her palms on the back of his hands, entwining their fingers before pulling his hands off her cheeks. She lowered his hands to his pillow, as she lowered her lips to his, running her tongue along their fullness, feeling the formation of the lopsided smile before he groaned and surrendered. Her fingers tightened their hold, keeping his hands pinned beside his head as her mouth opened over his, the kiss deepening.
Flipping her over, Jake broke free of her hold. He shed his remaining clothes before returning his hands and lips to hers, taking his turn at holding her hands in place as his mouth covered hers, his tongue sweeping the silky inside of her mouth, slowly, seductively. If this was to be the last time, he didn’t want it rushed.
His mouth trailed down the slender column of her throat. His name was a litany released from her parted lips, softly echoed over and over as her hands strained against his, forcing him to release his hold on her.
Raking her fingers through his thick brown hair, she held him close as he ran his tongue around her erect nipple sending shivers coursing through her body before drawing the tightened tip into his mouth. His teeth closed down on it, tugging gently, and she writhed beneath him as his hands and mouth continued to assault her senses.
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