Smile, Alice

by Ellie R. Hunter

  When I was at school I didn’t really have any girl friends. I admit, I was jealous of them. They all had their clicks and after moving from home to home regularly I never fit into any of them.

  Their giggling and secrets wound me up and it didn’t take long before I shut them all out and kept to myself. It was always easier that way, it gets tiring though, I’m tired of shutting people out and I know Joel doesn’t like living closed off from everyone. As Jamiee talks animatedly to Joel and Damon, I don’t feel the need to automatically shut her out.

  “Is there any other reason you came by early, Jamiee?” Freddie calls over from the table.

  He stares intently at her, but she doesn’t turn to look back at him. She looks over to me and ignores him.

  “Actually, I need some womanly advice about a guy I’m seeing and thought Alice would like to get away from you morons for a few hours.”

  I wasn’t expecting to hear that from her, she doesn’t even know me to confide in me about her personal life.

  A cigarette hangs from Freddie’s lips and his eyes narrow into slits. There’s obviously no love lost between these two and a strange sense of being grateful Damon has his back to Freddie sweeps over me.

  “I didn’t know you were seeing anyone,” Damon says to his sister.

  “Because you don’t ask,” she snorts, rolling her eyes.

  “Who?”

  “Deacon Lockheart,” she says, quietly, and I reckon it’s because Damon isn’t going to be happy, but it’s Freddie and Baz who jump up to their feet.

  “Jamiee, you can’t be fucking serious,” Baz growls.

  I look to Joel to see if he knows who this guy is but he’s too enthralled watching the unfolding argument.

  Damon rises to his feet and paces back and forth behind the couch.

  “You’re seeing the prick from Locks and Hearts? How long?” he demands to know.

  “A few months,” she shrugs, “He’s actually a decent guy once you get to know him.”

  “Fuck off, Jamiee, he nearly got Freddie arrested after setting him up and you know this,” Damon yells and I shrink into the chair.

  I haven’t seen him angry before and if I thought he could hold a room with his mere presence, his anger can hold it a lot more.

  “Fuck this,” Freddie murmurs, “If she wants to whore herself to a guy like that, let her. Don’t argue with your sister on my account.”

  Damon frowns at his band mate, and turns to his sister.

  “How the hell did you even meet him?”

  “We were at the same party, and I’m not answering anymore questions,” she sighs, standing up, then she turns to Freddie, “And if you call me a whore one more time, I’ll lay all your shit bare.”

  “Please,” Baz groans, “We know every one of his skeletons very well. You must know this is a bad, bad idea, baby Coleman.”

  “Shall we get out of here?” she asks me, and I look to Damon.

  He nods his head and says, “I’ll stay with Joel, he’ll be fine, and I’ll call you if he needs you.”

  What the hell, why not.

  Ignoring the tension wrapping itself around everyone in the room, I grab my purse and slip on my boots.

  Jamiee is quick to meet me by the door and she is followed by Damon. She does her best to ignore him and leads the way out into the hallway.

  Damon grabs her arm and stops her from walking to the elevators.

  “Please, think this through. You’ve known Freddie all your life and you know it’s more than rivalry between him and Deacon.”

  “It’s my life, Damon, and I’ll see whoever I want to see. It’s not like you run into each other that often anymore.”

  It is so awkward standing in this conversation. I feel for Damon and yet, I feel for Jamiee. Like I said, this is awkward.

  “Just think about it, Freddie is family after all.”

  He releases her arm and she storms off towards the elevator.

  “I won’t be long, call me straight away if anything happens to Joel.”

  Instead of answering me, he presses his lips to mine briefly and shoots his sister another frown.

  “Don’t take her too far, she needs to be close by,” he warns her.

  “Don’t date anyone, don’t take your girlfriend far away, don’t do this, don’t do that…”

  Her voice trails off and Damon sighs, meanwhile, I cringe at her use of ‘girlfriend’.

  “Good luck,” he offers and slips back into the suite.

  Walking over to Jamiee she seems to relax now it’s just us.

  “I’m sorry you had to witness that debacle back there.”

  “Don’t worry about it,” I say, as the doors to the elevator open.

  “We’re only going down to the bar, I already guessed you wouldn’t want to leave your brother for too long. River told me my brother was getting closer to you, so I thought I’d come by and check you out,” she grins.

  She’s straight to the point but I think she’s going to be disappointed with me.

  “We’re just friends,” I say, forgetting to add who I have been kissing lately.

  “Yeah, I guessed that when I interrupted you both shut in the bedroom together and then when he had his arms around you,” she laughs, leading the way to the bar.

  “Okay, I like being around him and he’s good with Joel,” I admit to her, as we sit at the bar.

  “Now we’re getting somewhere,” she says, flagging down the bartender.

  She orders two shots of tequila and I regret coming down here. The last time I drank tequila, I was sick for two days and I didn’t have that much of the stuff. I’m classed as a cheap date where alcohol is concerned.

  I’ll have the one and leave it at that.

  “It was weird seeing you with him, and he with you.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I don’t know if you know, but the last time my brother had a girlfriend he was still in school. I’ve never seen him being affectionate with someone while he’s stone cold sober. He must really like you.”

  We neck back the shots and instead of ordering another round, she turns on her stool and faces me straight on.

  “I have two reasons for coming by today. If truth be told, I wasn’t going to their show tonight. But, River called and said you needed to hear something you weren’t believing from him. My brother may be a rock star with a certain reputation, but you’ll soon learn not everyone deserves the stigma they get stuck with. He doesn’t play games to get what he wants, so when he tells you he likes you, he does.”

  Great, now I have his sister telling me how to react to him. I’ve opened my eyes and I’m opening up to him, I don’t need this speech.

  “I hear you,” I tell her, “Was the second reason to come and stir up a shit storm?”

  She barks out a laugh so carefree and wild, she doesn’t care who looks over.

  “I like you, Alice, I hope you stick around, and if you do, you’ll see it get a lot worse before it settles.”

  “Who is this Deacon Lockheart? If you don’t mind me asking?”

  She did say she wants womanly advice after all, although, I’m not the best for giving advice especially when it comes to men, and I don’t think she actually wants any advice.

  “He’s the front man of my brother’s rival band, Locks and Hearts. He and Freddie have had issues for years after Deacon nearly got him arrested for possession of cocaine. It was over a girl they both liked, she was with Freddie that night and Deacon called the cops on him knowing he had drugs on him.”

  I understand why they all kicked off now.

  “Why are you seeing him then?”

  “Honestly, it started out as something else and then I got to know him, and he’s actually a sweetheart. We were seen together this morning coming out of his hotel and I knew the guys wouldn’t be able to go full rampage on me in front of your brother if I told them before they heard it from someone else.”

  “Is he worth the hassle you’ll get
from the guys?”

  Her eyes flicker down and her shoulders fall a little.

  “I think he is.”

  And I think she is lying.

  But I say, “It’s your life, you should always live it to make you happy.”

  “Is that how you live your life?” she asks, and I’m taken back.

  “I’m fairly certain, your life is a lot different to mine.”

  “I didn’t mean it like that, I meant, are you going to let my brother make you happy? He’s obviously trying to.”

  “I’m taking it a day at a time, like a lot of things in my life.”

  Her phones rings in her purse and she’s quick to dig it out and answer it.

  The smile that creeps across her face, tells me she likes this Deacon Lockheart a lot more than she’s letting on.

  She turns her back on me as if I won’t be able to hear her and from what I can hear, she’s going to be leaving any minute. I guarantee it’s her fella on the phone.

  “Okay, bye,” I hear, and she swivels around on her stool to face me again.

  “I’m so sorry to do this, but I’ve got to run.”

  “It’s fine, do you want me to tell your brother anything?”

  Her round blue eyes shine as she thinks about it and then says, “Tell him, he should understand and that I won’t be at his show tonight, but I’ll call him soon or I’ll see him at Christmas.”

  Christmas?

  That’s months away, a very long time not to see family. I couldn’t imagine not seeing Joel for that long.

  She slips off her stool and kisses each cheek of mine.

  “I’m glad I met you, Alice, I hope I see you again.”

  Before I can return the sentiment, she is pushing through a crowd of business men who have just entered the bar and she’s gone.

  With her gone, there isn’t any need for me to stay down here. I collect my purse and head back up to the suite. It sounds quiet standing outside the door and when I walk in I find that’s because Joel is asleep on the couch and the guys are sat around the table keeping their voices down.

  Damon comes over and pulls me into my room.

  “Why are you back already?”

  “Your sister, who’s delightful by the way, got a call and she had to go.”

  “Who called her?”

  “I don’t know, she said to tell you that you should understand, and she won’t be coming to your show tonight.”

  He throws his head back and his cheeks balloon as he releases a long breath.

  “For what it’s worth, I don’t think she really likes this guy. I don’t know what she’s playing at, but I don’t think it’s genuine,” I offer to make him feel better.

  “Why do you say that?”

  I shrug, “It was how she looked when she spoke about him.”

  He seems to be content hearing this and starts prowling towards me. I back up a step and he takes step another in my direction.

  He backs me up against the door and I drop my bag on the floor. Lowering his knees, his leans in close to me and says, “I think this was how we were before my sister showed up.”

  And with that, he leans in and devours my mouth with his wicked lips and tongue. I drink him in and for today, I let go.

  Chapter Eleven

  I’m dreaming of bright green eyes when I’m awoken by a deep, worried voice.

  “Wake up.”

  Am I still dreaming? It’s his voice and I’m drawn to it, but I can’t see him.

  “Alice, come on, Joel needs you.”

  My eyes shoot open and Damon is leaning on the bed beside me. He’s as pale as dust and I can almost taste his fear.

  I jump out of bed and run through to Joel’s room. Maggie is already with him and he is struggling to breathe.

  “What’s wrong?” I ask, moving to his other side.

  I climb on the bed and hold his hand, careful not to get in Maggie’s way.

  “An ambulance is on the way, I’ve got him comfortable. Go and get dressed.”

  Gone is her soft, kind tone. She’s serious and that means this is serious.

  I’m moving before she has the chance to tell me again. I slip into the jeans I wore yesterday and throw on a jumper from my case. Everything is happening so fast, Damon is standing by the door waiting on the paramedics and I slip my boots on and go back to Joel.

  “How long ago did you call the paramedics?” I ask, starting to panic.

  “They should be here any…”

  They are bursting through the door before she can finish, and one firmly moves me out of the way.

  A solid wall of warmth appears behind me and a strong hand squeezes my shoulder. I’m thankful he doesn’t try to offer sentiments because I don’t think I would hear them.

  They’ve always been meaningless to me anyway, I know it’s the thought that counts but they don’t change anything.

  Maggie is briefing the medics and before I can keep up, they are transferring Joel onto a stretcher.

  He looks so pale and small under the oxygen mask and instead of letting tears of fear release, I can feel ice creeping its way through my veins. I’m frozen with fear. This can’t be it, it just can’t be.

  For a fraction of time, everything stops. I don’t see anything, but me and Joel sitting in the bedroom at our first foster home. I don’t hear anything, apart from him asking where our mum was. I feel nothing, but the sorrow of loneliness.

  Then everything speeds up and the lights in the hotel are brighter than usual, and people move out of the way as the medics take him down.

  My body moves on auto pilot, I stay close to him and Damon stays close to me.

  I’ve heard of life flashing before your eyes in a near death experience, but I haven’t heard about life passing in flashes. One moment we were in Joel’s room, the next we were in the lobby, now we’re outside on the curb and I’m being told I can’t ride in the ambulance.

  He can’t go alone. Maggie’s in there but she isn’t his family, he barely knows her.

  “Come.”

  I hear Damon, but I’m stood there watching the ambulance speeding off into the night.

  Then I’m in the back of the car and Harry is driving. He isn’t wearing his usual sharp suit, he’s dressed down in jeans and a t-shirt. I don’t know why I’m noticing these things, they don’t matter at all.

  “Why were you and Maggie in his room in the middle of the night?” I ask, looking down at his hand in mine.

  “He couldn’t sleep so we were talking, then he asked for Maggie.”

  “Why didn’t he ask for me?”

  He knows I’ll always be there when he needs me.

  “He wanted the nurse…he’s going to be fine,” he adds.

  “How can you say that? We’re on the way to the hospital.”

  “The tour isn’t over yet. He hasn’t come all this way to fall now.”

  I wish I was as optimistic as he, but as usual, I fear the worst.

  The next moment, we are manoeuvring around the hospital and it feels like a lifetime before we come across Maggie waiting outside a private room.

  I let go of Damon’s hand and walk faster towards her.

  “How is he? Is he…”

  “He has to have a blood transfusion, his white cells…”

  I tune her out, I know all too well what’s happened, this has happened twice before. Behind Maggie is a window into his room and it breaks my heart all over again to see him hooked up to machines.

  He’s been doing so well lately, I was starting to believe this tour was good for him. How wrong could I be.

  I believed it because I needed to, and I let my guard fall and I let him down. I should’ve expected this, I should’ve been ready.

  The sensible and responsible side of me kicks back in and practical Alice returns.

  “I need to find out what his medical insurance covers. I need to find a doctor.”

  “I’ve got it covered, you don’t need to worry about anything.”

/>   “He’s my responsibility…”

  “While you’re both here, you’re my responsibility and I said I’ve got it covered.”

  I find myself leaning against him and he wraps his arms around me.

  “Thank you,” I manage to whisper.

  This is the first time during a hospital visit we’ve had someone here for us and it’s nice.

  If I close my eyes, it’s like being back home. Joel lying in a hospital bed and me sitting beside him, resting my head on the edge of his bed. Damon went to find a doctor but that was a while ago and he hasn’t returned.

  I run my finger along his forearm. I used to do this when we were younger when he was afraid to close his eyes in case I was gone when he opened them. I spent many nights waiting for him to fall asleep, running my finger along his arm so he knew I was still there.

  “Alice…”

  Lifting my head, Joel’s eyes are fluttering open and his face sinks when he realises where he is.

  “Water,” he huskily asks for.

  I pour a glass from the jug a nurse brought in not long ago and guide the straw to his mouth. He doesn’t take much, and I put the glass down.

  “How do you feel?”

  “Like I’m dying,” he tries to joke.

  I sit back down and drag the chair closer to his side.

  “So not funny, little brother.”

  He sighs heavily and admits, “I hoped I wouldn’t have to see another hospital.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “After I got my wish and Damon arranged for Maggie to come too, I told myself she would be enough. I don’t want to be in these places anymore.”

  “They help you, Joel. Don’t be so silly.”

  “They help me live a few measly days,” he snaps, “Before we came out here, we knew I only had weeks left. I don’t want to go back to England, life is good here. If Maggie can’t help me, then let me go.”

  “No,” I blurt out without having to think about it.

  He’s always been able to speak about the end, but this is different. He would joke about dying after he was diagnosed, but he had a fire in him not to let it define him or give up without a fight. This talk sounds like he’s giving up.

  I swipe a stray tear away and then hold my face in my hands, keeping it hidden in my sleeves. The tears soak through the jumper and when I lift my head, Joel has tears of his own.