Smile, Alice

by Ellie R. Hunter

  My first instinct is to wipe his away and forget about my own.

  “I’m tired of hospitals, I’m tired of needles and I’m tired of fighting every day to see the next. I’m tired, Alice.”

  “I know you are, but you’re not a quitter, Joel Butler…”

  “It’s not about quitting,” he snorts, “I can’t fight something that is more powerful than me. I’ve done it for as long as I can, when I fight it takes every ounce of energy I have left. I’m ready to go with the flow, no more fighting it, when the time comes, I’m ready.”

  “Please,” I sob, “don’t talk like this.”

  “Promise me you won’t bring me back here and we’ll never have to talk about it again.”

  “The tour isn’t over…”

  “It doesn’t matter, I’ve had my wish and I’ve got you. I don’t need anything else. Promise me, Alice.”

  I grip onto his hand and press my lips to his perfect hand that could have done so much in this world but was never given the chance and I refuse to look at him.

  “Alice.”

  “I swore I would always look after you, I won’t give up on you.”

  “Look at me.”

  I keep my head down, afraid if I see the conviction in him I’ll lose the tiny piece of strength that is holding me together.

  “I’m not giving up, and nor would you be. It’s time we fully accept the inevitable because it’s coming for us real soon. I know you don’t want me to leave, I wouldn’t think any less of you if you promise not to bring me back here. I’m the only one who knows your heart, I can hear it breaking sometimes, I hear it now, but it will hurt more if you keep believing I’ll live longer than I was given, or I’ll somehow find a cure.”

  He sounds so grown up, I give him the respect he deserves and lift my head. For once, I don’t wipe away the tears.

  “Don’t ask me to ready myself of losing you, but…I promise, I won’t bring you back here.”

  The room spins around me, and Joel’s sigh of relief is another crack in my heart.

  “Thank you.”

  I barely hear him over the rushing in my ears. I let go of his hand and push out of the chair.

  “Damon went to find a doctor, I’m going to see where he got to.”

  We both know I need to get out of here. I walk on numb, shaking legs. My chest heaves as my breathing becomes too fast. My vision becomes a blur.

  Once I’m out of sight of Joel, I cling to the wall and fall to the floor. He wants me to give up on him and I agreed.

  I want to scream, no, I need to scream, I need to do something to unleash this pain crippling me, but nothing comes out. Silent sobs, heavy tears, they weigh me down and I can’t find my way up.

  “It’s okay…shhh…I’m so sorry for you both…”

  I hear him in the midst of the pain, I feel his body surrounding mine, and I smell his faint cologne. I’ve never needed someone as much as I’ve come to need Damon. I cling to him and let him hold me.

  “He wants to stop fighting,” I sob into his chest, “And I promised him I wouldn’t bring him back to these places.”

  He strokes my hair soothingly and presses his lips to my head.

  “He knows what he wants, it sucks, but for him, it’s something he can control. You have to let him have this.”

  I sit up and Damon keeps me close.

  “Do you understand what he asked me? If we don’t get him to a hospital when he needs it, he’ll die, and I’ve just given him my word he won’t ever see a hospital again.”

  “You see the hospital as a lifeline, Joel sees it as the root of his pain. He wants you to listen to him, and understand he wants to control how it ends.”

  Falling against Damon, he wraps his arms around me and we sit there on the cold floor in the hospital, coming to terms with the fact that my brother has made the biggest decision of his life.

  “Damon, how is he?”

  Over Damon’s shoulder, River and Freddie are walking briskly towards us and Damon stands and helps me up with him.

  “He’s doing okay now, he woke up a few minutes ago. Where’s Baz?” he asks them.

  “He decided to stay at the hotel, he asked that we keep him updated,” River says.

  “You should go in and see him, he’ll be happy to see you. I’m going to get some air,” I say, already detaching myself from Damon’s side.

  “I’ll come with you, we can see if we can find some decent coffee on our way back,” Damon offers, and I don’t know if I’m pleased or not.

  My first instinct is to tell him I’ll be fine, to go and see Joel with the guys, however, being near him calms me in a way only my dad used to.

  Damon tells River and Freddie what room Joel is in and takes my hand. I don’t remember walking in the hospital, so Damon leads the way and I bask in the fresh air when it hits my face.

  There’s a small bench to our left and my legs are moving towards it before I know where I want to go.

  I’m glad Damon leaves a small gap between us. Looking at him with his bright green eyes twinkling under the street lamps, I wonder how he knows me so well. He’s close when I need him close and he gives me space when I need it without having to ask for it.

  “Back home, when Joel was in the hospital, I’d go for air when I needed to cry and wanted to hide it from him. I’d see other people smoking or on the phone. I’d watch them seeking comfort and I used to stand there doing nothing. I don’t smoke, and I had no one to call.”

  “Are you trying to say you’re glad I’m around?” he grins.

  Through the hell that is tonight, I manage a weak laugh in the darkness and again, I am full of wonder when it comes to this man beside me.

  “I guess I am.”

  “I know why it’s hard for you to admit that, but it fucking frustrates me after everything I’ve done that you don’t believe me when I tell you I’m here for you both.”

  “To be fair, I’ve only known you for a few weeks, we’ve had social workers longer than that and I never believed a word they told us.”

  “I get that, I do, but you’ll see when I’m still around.”

  Maybe I will and most likely, I won’t.

  I’m not naïve. The tour will come to an end and Joel and I will return home. We have our lives and Damon has his. As much as I like having them around now, I know the two worlds would never mix under any other circumstance.

  Chapter Twelve

  Joel got his way and was discharged from the hospital late last night. Slate posted on his page on his behalf informing his followers he had been hospitalised and he has been inundated with messages from well-wishers ever since.

  Freddie, Baz and River are closed away with him in his room and I impatiently wait in the living area staring out the window. I should be admiring the view, but it means nothing to me at the moment. There’s no beauty in this cruel world.

  Damon has been staying close to me since my breakdown in the hospital, always in arms reach of me. He sits on the arm of the chair and occasionally I get the over whelming urge to fall on his lap.

  “I should take him home, you’ve done so much for him but he’s holding up the tour.”

  The band has missed two shows over the last five days and while they assure me their fans will eventually get a show, I still feel bad and so does Joel.

  “He’s one of us now, if he goes back so do we. Plus, it’s not what he wants. He wants to stay.”

  “I know what he wants, I’m talking about what he needs.”

  “We could be in space and I will always make sure he has what he needs. But, we both know it’s not a case of what he needs now, it’s about how you spend what time you have left together and easing his pain.”

  A slow building ache planted itself in my temples three days ago and I press my fingers against them to take the pressure away. It doesn’t help.

  My eyes hurt, they’re bright red and swollen. Damon had an ice pack brought up to the room, but it hasn’t helped.

 
; “There’s only three shows left. One week is all he’s asking for, Alice. Please don’t take it away from him,” he pleads.

  “Tell me what’s so important about the last show.”

  He reaches for my hand, and pulls me onto his lap. He wipes a tear away and smiles.

  “It’s his eighteenth birthday.”

  “He isn’t strong enough to go to your shows, Damon.”

  He drops his forehead against my arm and I find myself running my fingers through his hair. It’s much softer than it looks.

  “I’ll talk to him and ask him to stay behind for the next two shows, if you don’t stop him from coming to the last one?”

  “Okay.”

  I can deal with that.

  Every day a new splinter etches it way across my heart. They are getting deeper and deeper and when Joel agreed to sit out for two shows, my heart nearly smashed into a thousand pieces. Him agreeing not to go, is him admitting he can’t. He didn’t argue with Damon or me when we walked into his room and told him about our compromise. There was no fight in him like there was when I didn’t want him to come on this tour in the beginning. He didn’t try to talk us around, he simply agreed it was for the best.

  During the first concert in Las Vegas, we stayed in the hotel room with Maggie and watched comedies. Tonight, Joel is asleep in his room and Maggie is in her room catching up on sleep while I watch over Joel.

  It’s getting late, Damon said he would come straight back after the show and I really need him here now. He has the ability to talk me down and keep me calm, to think a little clearer and make sure I spend time with Joel, not just worry about him.

  We’ve been alone for so long, I hate that I need Damon’s presence around me and I’ve only known him for just over five weeks.

  It’s three days till Joel’s birthday and I honestly don’t know if he’s going to make it. It’s easy to believe everyone when they tell me he will be because I want it to be true, so desperately.

  We have been through so much, but we’ve always been together. It’s hitting me hard that it’s going to be me only. Joel is the only family I have left and when he’s gone, he’ll never come back, and I can’t wrap my head around it. It’s too real to deal with.

  A pain shoots across my chest and I gasp fighting for a lung filling breath. Everything hurts, and I can’t breathe. Tears fall as I have no choice but to take short, rapid breaths and I lean on the back of the couch.

  The door opens, and a huge bouquet of flowers are the first thing I see come in. They fall to the carpet and Damon rushes over.

  “What’s happened? Where’s Joel?” he demands, taking hold of my shoulders.

  I can’t speak.

  His hold softens, and he stares into my eyes, “Breathe with me,” he urges.

  He inhales and exhales long and slow, he does this until I’m doing it with him. I lock eye contact with him and the pain eventually subsides, and I shudder.

  “Is Joel…”

  I can’t let him finish so I cut in, “He’s sleeping. It’s me. I started panicking. I’m not ready to let him go, I’m just not.”

  He pulls me flush against him and I embrace him in every way I can. I don’t know why, but he seems to understand.

  “Will you stay with me tonight? I don’t want to be alone.”

  “There’s nowhere else I’d rather be. Wait here.”

  He lets me go and sits me on the sofa. He disappears into my room and comes back out with pillows and the cover and drops them by Joel’s door. Next, he pulls off cushions from the chairs and the sofa after I move.

  He takes it all quietly into Joel’s room and starts making a bed up on the floor at the end of Joel’s bed.

  Since I’m already dressed for bed, he lays me down and whispers he’ll be back in a minute.

  The make shift bed isn’t too uncomfortable, and I quickly sit up and check on Joel. He’s sleeping soundly, and I lay back down as Damon returns dressed in a t-shirt and a pair of shorts.

  I move the cover back for him and it doesn’t scare me to sleep beside him. It feels right. He gets himself comfortable and I roll around and he holds me from behind.

  “I’m so fucking sorry this is happening to you both. I want you to know I think you’re the strongest woman I know, and beautiful, and kind and caring. You’re every bit the mother he never had and there should be more people like you. I’m falling hard for you, and I know you’re not ready for me and I accept that, if you accept I’m going nowhere without you. When you’re ready I’ll be waiting. You can try and push me away, you can build your walls higher than ever, but I’ll never stop climbing to get back to you.”

  I turn around to face him, I need to see his beautiful face that match his beautiful words.

  “I really, really like hearing that.”

  He brings his hand up and brushes his knuckles across my cheek.

  “Try and get some sleep, I’ll be right here, and I’ll keep an eye on Joel.”

  I roll back over and concentrate on the beat of his heart against my back. It beats strong and steady and sends me into a peaceful sleep.

  Chapter Thirteen

  “I told you he’d make it,” Damon grins, as we stand outside Joel’s room.

  “You did tell me you’re always right,” I smile, rolling my eyes.

  “And you still doubted me,” he teases, “Let’s wake him up.”

  I push the handle down and open the door. A weight of a thousand worries float away, I can’t describe how happy I am to be celebrating this day. Doctor Meyer warned us he may not see his eighteenth and here he is, still here.

  I’m beginning to think Damon is our cure.

  “Happy birthday,” I beam. Joel is already awake and looking like the cat who got the cream.

  “Eighteen, man,” Damon whoops, fist bumping him, “Happy birthday.”

  “I’m still here,” he smiles, but it’s weak.

  Damon climbs on the bed and helps Joel sit up. He stays close and hands him over his present.

  He’s slow to unwrap the paper and it takes a lot of his energy. I step closer to see what he’s got when he holds whatever it is to his chest and smiles, closing his eyes.

  “Let’s have a look,” I say, wanting to know what it is.

  “I’ll show you later,” he promises, “What have you got me?” he winks.

  It feels good to laugh and I sit on the edge of the bed. I give him my gift and I can feel the tears already forming.

  He unties the ribbon and opens the little velvet bag, he tips the contents into his palm and looks quizzical at the gold signet ring.

  “It was dads, I took it when we had to pack.”

  I don’t need to elaborate, he knows I mean when I packed our bags when our mum gave us away.

  “You’ve kept it all this time?” he asks, rolling it around his hand.

  I nod, “I was saving it for your twenty-first, but…”

  “I can’t believe you have it,” he murmurs.

  He puts it on and with the weight he’s lost, it doesn’t fit any of his fingers. Damon takes off his chain and takes the ring from Joel. He slides it on and clips them both around Joel’s neck.

  “Both my hero’s together,” he grins, putting his hand over the two.

  “I’m no hero, kid. You are.”

  “That’s what hero’s say,” Joel throws back at him.

  Damon looks speechless, he climbs off the bed and shifts around like he wants to be anywhere but here.

  “I’m going to wake the guys up, it’s gonna be a long day.”

  Both Joel and I watch him leave and Joel laughs, “Something I said?”

  I chuckle and take Damon’s place on the bed. One hand lays on the ring and chain, and he takes hold of my hand and a tear rolls down his cheek.

  “How could dad love someone who isn’t capable of loving anyone?”

  He doesn’t have many memories of our dad, but the few he does are good and have been idolised by him over the years. He knows our dad
didn’t choose to leave us.

  “She was different before he died, she wasn’t always like that,” I remind him.

  That is why it hurt so much, we lost our dad and then our mother, it would’ve been easier to deal with if she had died too.

  “I hate her, Alice. I really, really hate her.”

  “So do I,” I agree, and shoulder bump him, “We didn’t do too badly though, did we?”

  He shakes his head and another tear falls. I can count on one hand the amount of times Joel has shed tears and I find myself once again, holding his hand and squeezing it tightly, silently telling him everything will be okay. I don’t know how this will ever be right but like everything else, we’ll deal with it.

  “I remember you telling me not to be scared when we were stood at the bottom of the stairs when that lady was waiting to leave with us. You told me you would look after me. You’ve never let me down, I could never be scared when you’re my sister. You were only ten and you did everything for me, even if I lived for another sixty years, I wouldn’t be able to repay you. Thank you, Alice and I’m not scared.”

  “I’m scared,” I say, squeezing his hand again.

  “Don’t be, soon I won’t be in pain or stuck in bed. Even in our worst times, you made them good times. Even now, this is the best time of my life.”

  “I’m going to miss you so much, every single day.”

  “Of course you are, I’m the best,” he chuckles, then seriously, “Don’t be like her when I’m gone.”

  There’s another splinter. He’s going through so much, and he’s worried about me. I’ve done everything for him not because she couldn’t, but because she wouldn’t. If I can give him one thing now, it’s a promise I won’t.

  “Never.”

  “Do you promise? You worry me, you’ve kept a guard around us so I could have a happy childhood as much as we could, don’t think I’ve never noticed because I did. I worry because I don’t want you to be alone, I’m not saying you’re like her, but I know how much you love me and I know how much you’re keeping it together for my benefit, but I can see you slipping like she did.”