by Tess Harper
Chapter 23
David's waiting for me on a stone bench at the park cupping a coffee in his hands. It's cold, so the fact that he has a Chai Tea Latte next to him--a fact I know without taking a sip--should comfort me. It doesn't, especially since I know he bought it for me because it's my favorite. Guilt instead of warmth floods my body.
When he sees me, David smiles, sets down his coffee and waves. I almost turn back. Every weak cell in my body interested in self-preservation commands me to. But I know I can't. He doesn't deserve to be treated like that; he doesn't deserve what happened last night.
"Hey Laura." He hands me the cup when I get close.
I can't breathe. I almost drop it. Luckily the stone bench is right there, and I plunk myself down.
David's eyes narrow with concern. "Laura?"
I can't look at him. I feel his warm breath on my cheek, somehow slicing through the cold air. He's close. I feel his thigh shift against mine. My body burns with the memory of my masked lover, of his raw, desperate touch, of myself shattering before him.
I shiver. I knew it was wrong even as I did it, but nothing could keep me from descending once again. If someone I loved like David couldn't keep me sane, what could?
Briefly, I look up into his concerned eyes. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt you, and I hurt you so badly.
"David," I whisper.
He leans back. "Uh oh. That doesn't sound good."
He's trying to keep his tone light, but he knows something bad is coming. Of course he does. Even if he didn't know me the way he does, he'd guess something was up. I sound like I've just been given a death sentence.
"David," I start again, but I still can't bring myself to finish.
He sits up and nodes to my abandoned chai latte. "Maybe you'll feel better if you take a sip."
I shake my head.
"At least wrap your hands around it. It's freezing out."
It is cold, and my knuckles are red and chapped. Damn it. He's so kind, and he didn't deserve to be treated that way by me.
"David, I can't."
It takes him a moment to respond. "If you don't want a drink, you can wait, though it might get a little cold--"
"I mean..." My voice is soft, but he stops as if he was waiting for me to interrupt him. I take a deep breath. "I can't be with you right now."
A moment passes. Three men and a woman in an oversized coat walk by. I wish I could curl up under a large blanket and disappear.
"Do I make you uncomfortable Laura?"
"That isn't it," I whisper.
"Is it because of him?"
My throat feels tight. Of course it is. We both know that. I don't want to say anything else, but he deserves the truth. "Yes."
"I told you I was fine with it. I don't mind waiting."
Here it is--the moment where I break both of us. "It isn't that. I saw him last night."
David goes completely still.
"He was waiting in the house when I came home."
"Wait, he was waiting for you? How?"
"I don't know. He was upset because he saw us..."
"How did he see us? Was he at the event? Does this creep follow you around? Wait outside your door? You should go to the police, Laura. He sounds like a serious stalker!"
"It doesn't matter what he is. What matters is what I did."
His shadow slips over my thighs to the pavement as he slumps forward. "What you did," he whispers.
My throat's so tight that I don't know if I can speak. I squeeze my drink, popping off the lid. Chai tea spills over my hand.
I curse. "It's so hot," I explain as I pull my hand away. David retrieves the cap and hands it to me, not meeting my gaze.
I open my mouth. "I--I'm so sorry."
He freezes. "We weren't really together. It's nothing."
But it doesn't feel like nothing to either of us.
"I don't know what's wrong with me," I continue.
"You love someone who doesn't love you back."
"But I knew that it was wrong. I knew that it wasn't good, and I did it anyway. I don't know why I'd do it when..."
"...You knew it was going to hurt." He finishes when I cannot, his expression agonizingly kind. "That's what you do when you love someone who doesn't love you back."
My eyes start to water. I look away because I have no right to cry right now. I have no right to cry at all, and it's cruel to do it when he can see it.
He puts his hand on my shoulder.
I shrug him off. "Don't try to comfort me."
After a moment, he puts his hand back where it was. "Why? Because it would hurt less if I didn't still want to comfort and care for you?"
"Yes," I admit. "I don't want you to be good to me right now. I don't deserve it."
He brushes the hair from my neck. Even though he's been holding his coffee this entire time, I'm surprised by how warm his fingers are. "That's a problem, because I want to be good to you."
I pull away and turn, meeting his gaze. "How could you possibly want that?"
There's a darkness in his eyes I've never seen before. "Maybe because a part of me is cruel. If I was really the kind man you believe me to be, I would let you go right now, wouldn't I? I wouldn't touch you, I wouldn't try to comfort you, because I'd know doing so hurt you more. Maybe if I only loved you, that's what I'd do."
Something flashes in his eyes as they narrow in on my lips. He leans forward almost imperceptibly. "You seem to be well acquainted with obsession, Laura, so you know what it means when I say that you are my obsession."
He kisses the back of my neck, his lips soft and warm on my chilled skin. My body trembles. "Would you like it better if you didn't see my face? I can do that for you. I'll be anything you want, if you let me have you."
***
We don't talk on the way over to David's place. It's in one of the newer buildings next to campus. When we enter, I'm reminded why they're notoriously small. There's barely any space between his single bed and the wall. Though its midmorning, the room is dusky from the yellow blanket hanging over his window.
"Nice curtains."
The door closes. He doesn't answer.
I unzip my coat and let it slip over my shoulders onto the floor.
I hear three footsteps and then his arms wrap around me from behind.
"We don't have to do this," he whispers into my neck.
I swallow. "You want to watch Vampire Diaries?"
He chuckles--more warmth on my bare neck. "I don't have that here, but we can watch Venture Brothers."
His hands slide down over my sides. My palms slip over his knuckles. "I don't want to watch anything, David."
His hands curl into fists. I step away and kick my coat to the side beneath a table. My foot knocks one of the table's legs and the tambourine on top of it jingles.
I hug myself and circle around him. "This is probably a little fast."
"Maybe for you. I've been dreaming of this for a long time. So even if it's a bad idea, I'm yours if you say you want me."
He takes a step forward, then another, until I'm backed up against the wall. All of my previous bravado disappears. I can't look at him directly.
His hand slides over my hips.
Don't let other men touch you.
My shadow lover's plea echos in my mind, as tactile as the anticipation buzzing beneath my skin. David brushes my cheek and tips up my chin so he can look at me.
His eyes are dark and unfamiliar. I inhale unsteadily. It feels like even my breath is trembling. His grip on my hip tightens. Slowly, he lowers his head. His soft lips touch my cheek.
My fingers dig into his forearms. He pulls me into him and my body molds against his sculpted chest. He kisses my neck, paying special attention to the sensitive place beneath my ear. I moan and run my hands under his shirt and over his back, reveling in his perfect, warm, soft skin.
His expertly trained fingers slip under my shirt and up my spine, unfastening my bra in seconds.
&
nbsp; I tilt my head back. My chin slides over his forehead. "Damn, David. How the hell did you do that..."
I feel his lips curl into a smile over my neck. "Do what, sweetheart?"
"My bra..." I massage his shoulders, trying to think. "Fuck."
"You're speaking in tongues, Laura." He steps back with a cocky smile as I moan.
Before I can think of a witty comeback, he slips my shirt over my head. When it's gone, my bra sides down my arms and onto the floor.
Now it's my turn to give him a cocky smile. From the awe-struck look on his face, I know I don't need to think of a witty comeback to come out on top.
His chest heaves. "Laura," he whispers with wide eyes.
"You like what you see?" I meant for my words to sound sophisticated and arrogant, but my voice trips mid-sentence, ruining the affect.
"More than like." He looks into my eyes, his expression reverent. "You're beautiful."
I don't have time to process the words, or even to understand how they make me feel. Something fragile and beautiful blooms inside me. Something about his honest expression and the honest look in his eyes--maybe it's the fact that I can even see his eyes.
I don't have time to comprehend the feeling. He grabs the small of my back and pulls me to him. His lips crash over mine. I'm unable to think, unable to do anything as grabs the back of my head, pulling my head closer. I grab his hair, breathing hard. His teeth graze my bottom lip and the corner of my mouth as he kisses me.
He pushes me up against the wall and hoists me up. I wrap my legs around his torso.
Don't let other men touch you.
I grab him like I need him to breathe. As if my salvation were burried deep inside him, and I could bind that salvation to me with my hands and suck it from his body with my lips. He allows me to drain him--to take him completely. There is nothing I could ask for that he wouldn't give me.
Don't let other men touch you.
My shadow lover's voice rings a little louder in my mind. Cold flashes over my body, accompanied by the feelings of emptiness and abandonment. I don't want to feel like that anymore. I don't want to be chained by it. Especially not when he left me. If I can't move on, at least I can de-sanctify that memory. I can bury it beneath David's touch--a man I can see and possess.
I kiss David harder. Clutch him harder. His biceps strain against my nails. He moans my name and I trace my finger down his perfect torso to his pants.
I fumble with the button. It's impossible to pop it off when he's pushing himself against me, holding us both up while I grind against him. "Now, David."
He doesn't seem to hear. His lips are moving against my throat. He's holding me as if he's already inside me.
I bite his ear. "David."
He looks up, eyes foggy with passion, pupils dilated. He looks half-mad like that. Intoxicated. I guess that makes two of us. I glance down quickly and bite my lip.
He twists left and one of my legs slides down his until it hits the floor. My other is still wrapped around him. His muscles flex as he reaches for his pants, ripping open the button. My eyes don't leave his hand as he pulls down his zipper.
My breath catches. Holy shit he's huge!
I swallow. "Um...hi David."
I hear a low masculine chuckle from above. "Did you just say hello to my junk?"
I squint up at him, ignoring my burning cheeks. "Did you just refer to your thingie as junk?"
"Thingie," he repeats, giving me a lopsided grin. "I like that more than junk."
He tilts up my head and kisses my mouth. I forget my embarrassment, forget almost anything. His hands are strong. I've never noticed just how strong before. Being held by him feels like heaven.
His thumbs fan over my cheeks, down my neck. The tip of his cock brushes against my belly. I roll my hips forward, feeling the length of him through my pants. His thumbs loop through the top of my pants, sliding their way down to the button.
Oh my god, this is really happening.
He holds me up, kissing my neck and cheeks blindly as he carries me to the bed. His movements are jerky because his pants are still around his calves. I don't mind. It just makes that delicious cock bump against my stomach. He throws me down and pins me, his bare thighs sliding over mine as his pants slide off his legs.
He remains above me, arms strong and eyes dark with lust. I can't believe how beautiful his body is in the light. I place my palm flat on his warm skin. Instinctively, his muscles flex and my hands retract as if they're claws.
He doesn't flinch as I scratch him. Instead, he bows his head and kisses my knuckles. "What's wrong?"
My heartbeat quickens with panic. Nothing is wrong, I want to say, but I can't. Suddenly, I feel as if something is wrong.
Don't let other men touch you.
I feel his length mid-thigh, twitching and agonizingly long. The room spins.
Don't let other men touch you.
"Laura." He grabs my chin, direction my vision to him. "What is it?"
My legs tremble. His grip no longer feels warm. It's hot. Scalding. Intolerable.
"Kiss me David," I demand through clenched teeth.
He pulls back, eyes wide with shock and something else--something I don't want to see.
"Now." I grab his head and bring it down to mine, clashing my teeth into his, busting my lip. He sucks in a sharp breath. Maybe I busted his too. It doesn't matter.
His hands find my shoulders. He presses down hard as he yanks his lips from mine. "Stop. We don't have to do anything."
A metallic taste stings my tongue as it slides between my lips. "I want to."
"Do you really?" He leans closer, eyes narrowing so intensely on mine that every cell in my body screams to look away. I don't. Somehow, I hold my ground.
"Yes." I can't believe how certain I sound.
He sighs and bows his head. The tendons in his throat tighten before he swallows. "I'm sorry, Laura."
"What are you talking about?"
"This. It was too fast."
"Too fast? You said yourself it wasn't."
"For me it isn't. For you though..." he looks up. Sadness tinges his expression. "I want you to feel something other than shame when you come to me."
Maybe the only intimacy I've ever known has been a form of shame. I can't tell him that. It's too shameful to even think it. He's probably right and all this happened too fast, but something about that upsets me. "It was too fast with him, too," I say.
"No it wasn't. He was a mystery you wanted to unravel. It's the opposite with me. I feel like every time you touch me, you're trying to forget me."
I can't say anything to that. The tightness in my throat is back. The blurriness of my vision is back. He's still above me--warm and beautiful and perfect. And though he's looking into my eyes and my hands are on his skin, I feel alone.
"It's alright," David whispers, running his fingers over my cheek. "I said I would be anything for you, and I meant it. If you want to fall, Laura, hold me closer; let me fall with you."
I hold his cheek. It's such a simple gesture, and yet it can mean so much--it can make me feel so much. I bring the my hand to the back of his head, drawing him down next to me. I curl into him and, for some reason, feel as if I've just lost something precious that I never even had.
Chapter 24
We lie like that, with the tussled sheets around our ankles even though it's cold and every inch of my back and legs are covered with goosebumps, for hours. The golden light darkens to orange. Against my cheek, his heart beats slowly. It calms me.
My stomach growls.
David props himself up on his elbow and raises his eyebrows. "What was that?"
"Uh..." I curl my knees to my stomach and wrap my arms around my chest, suddenly aware of how naked I am. Well, not how naked I am. I mean, I'm totally naked and...
"Laura?" David prompts.
I bite my lip. I can't look at him. "It's nothing."
"Nothing?"
"Yeah. Nothing."
He
waits a beat before answering. "You're hungry."
"Uh, not like super hungry but I'm okay."
He frowns. "What the hell does that mean?"
"It means..." Wait a second, what the hell does it mean? I bite my lip again, this time to keep myself from smiling. "You don't have to feed me. I mean, go to any trouble. I mean, don't go to any trouble." Now I'm just babbling. Why won't he stop looking at me with those sexy, smoldering dark eyes? And more importantly, why can't I think when he does?
David looks at his 'kitchen,' a microwave, hot plate, mini fridge and sink, forlornly. "Trust me, it's no trouble. Right now, I can offer you...peanut butter and crackers."
I raise my eyebrows. Something feels off about this. "David, is that the only food you have here?"
"Not the only food. I've also got some old, broken spaghetti noodles and--oh hell I don't know--a banana maybe?"
I reach for him. "You can't survive on crackers and peanut butter."
"I usually survive on overpriced cafeteria food. Oh, and coffee. I think that last thing is actually all I really need to survive."
"David, that isn't good."
"Hey, nuts are good for you, and peanuts are nuts."
"Actually, they're legumes."
"Well, that's close enough to a nut. Plus, there's some fat in there."
I lean back, shaking my head. "Yeah. Really good, healthy fats."
"Wait a second. Is all this criticism coming from the pancake queen?"
I laugh. "Hey butter has Vitamin K."
"Well, at least we know you'll never be Vitamin K deficient." He grins and leans over, giving my butt a playful slap. "Or deficient in other areas."
I don't think it's possible for my eyes to get any wider. "Did you just do what I think you did?"
"That depends. Did you think I just slapped your ass? Because if you only think I did, then I definitely didn't slap it hard enough."
I start to laugh. Really hard. "I don't know if I like this new side of you."
"That's too bad," he whispers huskily, "because I really like all these new sides of you." His hand slides up my spine. "In fact, I have yet to see a side I don't like."
Heat surges through my body. I squeeze my thighs together. And even though he hasn't come any closer, he feels so close. God, I need to keep myself together! "Peanut butter," I whisper.
