by Rachel Hanna
“Yes,” was all she said as she stood up and pressed her hands down the front of her jeans to flatten them. It was an anxious response.
“I’m Officer Carlton. Sweetie, I am so sorry about your sister,” he said. His tone was gentile, and that shocked her a bit. Police officers had not always been so kind to her out in California. They were more rough around the edges, but this guy could have been her father. She wondered for a split second what that would have been like - to have a father who loved and cared for her. And her sister. Oh, her sister… Her heart ached at the thought.
“Can you tell me what happened exactly?” Bella asked softly as she looked down at the floor, trying not to invite the tears back.
“Let’s go into my office, okay?” he said putting his hand on her shoulder. She jumped back a bit, which seemed to unsettle him. “You all right, hon?”
“Oh. Yes…” she said trying to regain her composure. Men touching her, especially strange men that she didn’t know, was one of her hot points.
The pair walked down the hall to a small, nondescript office on the right. The police station was very old fashioned with industrial tiles on the floor that reminded her of the elementary school cafeteria she’d eaten in for so many years. Having grown up in nearby Clayton Springs, Bella had always heard about what a great little town Madison Falls was, but she’d never had a chance to visit until Lori moved there two years ago. Even then, Bella had only come home once and stayed for just a couple of days.
Officer Carlton pointed to a chair, and Bella sat down. Looking around his office, she saw photos of what appeared to be a passel of grandchildren. It made her ache a little more when she saw people with happy families. It wasn’t that she wasn’t happy for people who had large extended families; she just wanted a little bit of that happiness for herself and her sister. Oh, how her heart ached again. She’d spent her whole life doing things for her sister first, and now the one person she adored on the planet was gone.
“Miss Clay, you asked what happened to your sister,” he said as he sat down behind his desk and breathed out a big sigh. “She was apparently heading to her son’s school. We found what appeared to be his lunch bag, so he must have forgotten it,” he said as he pulled a Spiderman lunch bag out of his drawer. Bella reached across the desk and unzipped it as she tried to hold herself together. Inside, she found a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, an apple, a juice box, and a handwritten note from Lori.
“Sorry I forgot to send your lunch with you, munchkin. Mommy loves you to the moon and back! See you after school.”
“Oh, my God…” Bella said as she let out the sobs she’d been holding in since she boarded the plane to Georgia. She clutched the note to Ethan in her hands as if her life depended on it. Rocking back and forth, she cried like she’d never cried before. How was this fair? She and Lori had spent their whole life aching for a family of their own. Navigating foster home after foster home, they’d stuck together and protected each other as best they could. When Lori finally had a happy little family of her own, she’d been snatched away, and now Ethan would suffer without his mother like they did. It was all too much, and every emotion from sadness to rage welled up inside of Bella.
“Miss Clay, can I get you some water?” he asked as he leaned forward across the desk.
“No, no… I’m fine…” she insisted as she pulled herself together. “Please, go on with the story.”
He sat back and studied her for a moment before continuing. “Early this morning, she was on Baker Street about a block from the school. A garbage truck was heading east while she was heading west. As they came around the curve, he swerved to avoid a deer crossing the road. He couldn’t get back into his lane fast enough, and he crashed head-on into your sister’s car. Miss Clay, she was killed instantly. Witnesses on the scene tried to revive her. One man dragged her from the car and performed CPR for ten minutes before the ambulance got there. She was gone. I am sincerely sorry,” he said softly.
“Did Ethan get to eat lunch? He must be so hungry…” Bella said, panicking as tears rolled down her cheeks. “Lori wanted him to eat. We didn’t always get to eat as kids. Where is he?” she said standing up and looking for the door.
“Miss Clay, he’s okay. Please calm down…” he said as he got between her and the door. “Breathe, honey. You must be strong for that little boy.” She snapped back into reality at the mention of Ethan, just as she had always been able to snap into reality to protect Lori when they were kids. She had to do it all again.
“I’m sorry. This is a lot to take in…”
“I know, I know… Ethan was able to eat lunch. We called the school and made sure he got to eat. He went home with one of his friends from class. They are great buddies, from what I hear, so he thinks his Mom is just running late from work, I suppose,” he said with a hint of sorrow in his voice.
“Oh, God. I have to tell him… I don’t know how I can do this, sir. I really don’t,” she said sobbing once again. He reached out and hugged her, which again made her wince, but she allowed it. She just needed some human contact right now, and he was all she had at the moment. After a moment, she pulled back and wiped her eyes. She had to steel herself for what was to come. She had to make sure that Ethan didn’t see her upset, and she had no idea at all how she was going to do that. Lori was her other half, and now she was gone forever.
Chapter 3
Identifying her sister’s body at the county morgue was the hardest thing Bella had ever had to do. She’d been abused multiple times by disgusting men. She’d been in porn movies where she had done unbelievable things that made her cringe to think about. But nothing compared to the moment that she had to look at her sister lying lifeless on a cold, metal table. Her injuries had been severe, and Bella had not been as prepared for that as she thought.
As soon as she did the official identification, she promptly excused herself and ran outside to vomit into the bushes. It was nightfall, and her next stop would be to pick up young Ethan who was gleefully playing at his friend’s house completely unaware that his mother was never coming home again.
Bella didn’t know how she would tell him. She remembered being eight years old herself, innocently playing dodge ball at recess, when her principal came to get her. She was having so much fun, but Mrs. Delancourt told her she had something important to talk to her about. When she walked into the principal’s office, her six year old sister, Lori, was sitting in a chair with her feet dangling above the ground. Bella could distinctly remember the pink skirt and black flats that her sister wore, right down to the little bows on her shoes.
The next few minutes after that were really a blur. Mrs. Delancourt called in the school counselor and a police officer who proceeded to tell them that a drunk driver had crossed the center line and killed their beloved mother. The only person they had on Earth was gone. Within hours, they were in their first foster home. Bella’s stomach churned at the thought of it all.
As she drove her rental car toward the address that Officer Carlton had given her for Ethan’s friend’s house, she vowed that he would not suffer the same fate that she did. He would never see a foster home. He would never suffer abuse from anyone. She would protect him in the same way she had protected her sister all those years ago. He wouldn’t want for anything, she decided. Once the funeral was over, she would get a real legitimate job and become his full-time Mommy. He would never have to know the ways that his aunt had debased herself for the last two years. She would make Lori proud if it was the last thing she did.
As the home came into view in front of her, she saw the lit-up pumpkin on the porch, which only reminded her that Ethan wouldn’t get to show off his Halloween costume to his Mom in a couple of weeks. Pushing back the inevitable tears that were lurking just under the surface, she took a deep breath and put the car in park. As she stepped out and approached the house, she realized that her life was never going to be the same again. In a few moments, she would become a mother by default.
/> “You must be Bella. I’m Sharon Ingle. Ethan plays with my son, Howie,” she said stretching her hand out to shake Bella’s. She stepped out onto the porch and closed the door behind her to shield both boys from their conversation.
“Nice to meet you,” Bella said with a big sigh.
“I am so sorry about Lori. She was one of our room mothers and always did a great job coordinating parties and field trips…” Bella knew she was just trying to be nice, but she thought the comment was inappropriate given that her sister had only been dead for a few hours. Field trips? Really? “Ethan is going to be devastated. He adored his Mom.”
“Don’t most boys adore their Moms?” Bella snapped without meaning to.
“Of course. I’m sorry. I just don’t know what to say…” Sharon said apologetically.
“No, I’m sorry. Really. It’s just been a very tough day, and the worst is yet to come.”
“Is there anything I can do to help you? I am glad to sit with you while you talk to Ethan…” she offered.
“I appreciate the offer, but I think I have to do this alone…”
“I understand. Let me get Ethan for you…” she said softly as she opened the front door. “Come on in.”
As Bella walked into the foyer of the expansive home, she was immediately taken by the smell of cookies baking. It reminded her of everything she’d missed as a kid. Not having a real Mom made her feel like an outcast much of the time at school. There was no cookie baking in her past - that was for sure.
“Aunt Bella!” Ethan yelled as he grinned from ear to ear and ran across the room to hug her. She knelt down and scooped him into her arms. She hugged him tighter than she’d ever hugged anyone in her life, and she knew he could feel something was wrong.
“Ethan, I am soooo glad to see you, buddy!” she said trying to hold herself together. “How about saying bye to Howie so I can take you home, okay?” she said as she stood back up.
Ethan said his goodbyes and made his way to the rental car. As he climbed in and buckled up, Bella was quiet. Then the questions started.
“Aunt Bella, why did you pick me up? Did Mommy have to work late?” he asked poking his head between the front seats as she backed out of the driveway.
“No buddy, she didn’t work late…” Bella stammered trying not to cry.
“Is she at home already?” he asked trying to figure out what was going on. He was smart for seven years old.
“No, she’s not at home, sweetie…”
“Then where is she?” he asked. Boy, he was persistent.
Bella knew they were at least fifteen minutes from Lori’s house, so she couldn’t hold him off much longer. Instead of prolonging the agony, she pulled off the side of the road into a parking lot.
“Ethan, unbuckle and climb up here with me for a second, okay?” she asked with her voice already starting to shake.
“Okay,” he said giddily as he climbed over the seats. He looked at her with a smile on his face as if he was about to get a surprise. It tore her heart apart.
“Sweetie, something happened today. To your Mommy…”
“Is she sick? Is she at the hospital?” Ethan asked cocking his head to the side.
“No, honey, she’s not. There was an accident. Ethan, your Mommy went up to heaven today to become an angel…” she said. She hoped her words were enough, but how could they be? How could her measly words ever be enough to explain that his beloved mother was gone forever?
“To heaven? When is she coming back?” he asked still not understanding the concept.
“She’s not, honey. But she will always be your guardian angel watching over you,” Bella said pushing a stray hair out of his eye and rubbing his cheek with her thumb.
“Where was her guardian angel? Why wasn’t her angel watching over her?” he asked with a tear rolling down his cheek. “That’s not fair!”
“I know it’s not, baby…” Bella said pulling him into her embrace and trying to hold back her own tears. She couldn’t remember ever crying as much as she had cried in the last twelve hours.
“I want Mommy to come home! Please come home, Mommy!” he kept sobbing and yelling into Bella’s shoulder.
For over an hour, he sobbed and screamed in the car until he finally tuckered out and fell asleep. When he did, Bella sat there completely still, staring into the black, night sky. She worried that she hadn’t explained it the right way. Did she say it too fast? Did she say the wrong words? Did she scar him for life?
She quietly slid the seatbelt over him and drove the rest of the way to Lori’s house. As she picked him up and carried him inside to bed, she silently prayed to God that she would be up to the challenge. She hadn’t talked to God much in her life, but this time she was willing to ask for help anywhere she could get it.
Chapter 4
The next week was a blur for Bella. Thankfully, the school had taken up contributions for Lori’s funeral arrangements, or else she would never have been able to afford it. She was buried in a small cemetery just outside of town. Poor Ethan had sobbed during the funeral even though Bella had her arm around him and Howie held his little hand. It was the most sorrow Bella had ever seen in one room.
The small, country church only had a few pews, but they were full of parents and teachers from Ethan’s school. After the service, Howie’s mom had lunch at her house so the kids could play and people could talk about Lori. Bella learned a lot about her sister during that lunch.
One woman talked about how Lori had volunteered to take the kids on a field trip to the local apple farm earlier in the month. Another woman said her son’s puppy had been hit by a car, and Lori went to the local shelter to get him a new one as a surprise. Story after story showed Bella just how amazing her sister was, and that only made her miss Lori more. The grief was like a dagger in her heart that she couldn’t remove, but more than anything she hoped that she could live up to even a small part of the mother that Lori was to Ethan.
After the funeral was over, Bella called one of her only real friends back in California, Sonya, and asked her to pack up her things for her. She shipped as many of her clothes as she could, as well as a few mementos. Bella didn’t have all that much anyway. She’d always sent most of her money to Lori and Ethan. If she was honest with herself, she was pretty terrified about how she would financially support her nephew and herself without the money she made from her “movies”.
Ethan went back to school exactly one week after his mother’s funeral. Bella was surprised at how quickly he bounced back once the initial shock was over, although Sharon and Howie had been critical in that. They gave him the stability that he needed as he transitioned from his mother to Bella.
Taking on the role of Ethan’s mother was proving to be harder than she imagined. Trying to remember to make his lunch, keep up with his homework, and organize her own life was tougher than she would have ever thought. She was thankful that Sharon had set her up with a job at the local coffee house. It wasn’t much, but it was enough to cover the rent on Lori’s house until she could think of a better plan.
“Good morning, Bella,” Roslyn said as Bella walked in for her second day at work. Roslyn was an older woman in her sixties who reminded Bella of the type of grandmother she had always wanted. Her snow white hair reminded her of Mrs. Claus, and she had the peppy demeanor to go with it.
“Good morning, Roslyn,” Bella said, forcing a smile. She was always forcing her smiles lately. Losing Lori had hit her incredibly hard, and Ethan seemed to be recovering better than she was. Kids were resilient from what she’d heard, and it must have been true since she and Lori had survived what they had in childhood.
“Honey, are you okay? You look so tired,” Roslyn said putting her hand on Bella’s shoulder.
“I’m fine. I just haven’t slept well lately,” Bella said biting her lower lip.
“You know, I lost my sister four years ago myself…”
“You did? How did you get through it?” Bella asked as she put on
her green apron and started cleaning dishes from the morning rush.
“It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, including burying Murray…”
“Murray?”
“My husband of thirty-two years. He died of cancer about six years ago. That was tough stuff, but losing Harriet was the worst. She was the only person who’d known me my whole life, ya know?” Roslyn said shaking her head.
“I’m sorry for your loss,” Bella said as she scrubbed a particularly stubborn hot chocolate mug.
“I know it’s gotta be hard coming to a new town like this and taking over for your sister, but I admire your tenacity.”
“Thank you. I don’t feel very strong right now, but I’ve always had tenacity,” Bella said with an ironic laugh. Of course, Roslyn had no idea what kind of life Bella and Lori had lived.
