by Lily Morton
“Jesus Christ you startled me.” He puts his hand to his chest in shock and then he exclaims and shoving his guitar to the side he comes round to me and pushes me gently onto the settee. Kneeling in front of me he strokes my hair back, his face a mask of concern. “Why aren’t you asleep?” he scolds.
“I woke up and couldn’t go back to sleep. I don’t sleep well,” I find myself confessing and he stills.
“I know the feeling,” he says slowly. “I’ve never really slept.”
“So this is what you do?” I wave my hand at the guitar and pad and he smiles with a wry twist of his lips.
“Lately this is what I do.” He smiles sardonically and I catch on.
“Oh,” I say and to my horror I sniff really loudly. He stares at me in consternation and I rush into speech. “Oh no I didn’t mean that. It’s just the air conditioning. It plays havoc with my sinuses and I sniff a lot. I wasn’t imitating you snorting coke or anything.”
I’m interrupted by him throwing his head back and laughing and for a second I stare at him relishing how young and carefree he looks. I can’t help noticing that he’s only wearing a pair of gym shorts which show off his olive skin stretched taut over long ropy muscles, a six pack and a pair of cut and very biteable hipbones. His tattoos are on full display, and he looks like a very sexy, rumpled bad boy. Catching my stare he misinterprets it and looks anxious.
“Are you okay?” he asks in a low voice and at my look of incomprehension he gestures at his body. “Being with me when I’m dressed like this,” he elaborates. “I don’t know if you feel comfortable or safe. If you don’t I can go and get Mabe and put a shirt on.” I stretch out my hand to stop him.
“Sid, they never took their clothes off so I haven’t got a fear of naked chests,” I say gently. “Also they didn’t do anything more than grab me and push me around.”
“That was enough,” he says hotly.
“I know that and I’m not underplaying it, but they didn’t have the chance to touch my body apart from that and I haven’t been raped. That’s thanks to you so stop worrying about my state of mind.”
“It must have been traumatic for you.”
“It was but I’m realistic enough to know that it could have been a whole lot worse, so I’ll deal with any nightmares that come knowing I’m safe and that’s down to you.” Trying to lighten the mood I smile. “Anyway I’ve seen you in a bit less than a pair of shorts before, remember?”
However, his face darkens and he stands up running his hands through his hair. “We need to talk about that,” he says awkwardly and I sigh.
“It’s all right Sid we don’t have to talk about it at all. I got the message before. I know you regret it so let’s just put it behind us and maybe we can be friends?”
“Is that what you want?” He looks almost stricken for a second and now I’m confused. I know that I want him and I’m prepared after tonight to throw caution aside. However, I’d got it so fixed in my head that he didn’t want to want me that I’m not prepared for this, and now I’m terrified of saying the wrong words and scaring him off.
“I thought it was what you wanted,” I say carefully. He stares at me for a second and then comes down on the settee next to me where he sits staring ahead.
“I don’t want to want you,” he mutters in a low voice and I wince. Catching it he reaches out and takes my hand, caressing it absently. “But I do want you.” He turns to look at me. “I want you so much it hurts.” I open my mouth but he shakes his head to stop me. “I’m not a good bet Nell. I’m a recovering drug addict for a start. I don’t sleep well and I have control issues. It’s not exactly Mills and Boon is it? You could do so much better than me, and what I fear most is that if I take you I’ll drag you down and ruin you. That’s what happened to Leah.”
“You didn’t ruin her,” I say hotly. “She made her decisions the same way that you did and the path that she’s on now is the one that she decided to walk on.”
“Don’t stick up for me Nell.” He takes a deep breath as if gathering courage. “I got her on the shit. We were together the night that we first took drugs. When we became addicts I would send her out to score on her own at night. I’d rack that shit up and give her the note to snort it. When snorting coke wasn’t enough and she moved onto skin popping, I’d load that needle up and do it for her. When people got suspicious of the track marks I’d inject into her groin when she begged me. The only decent thing I did at that time is to get her fresh needles, and that is the only decent thing I did. Most mornings I’d wake up with either vomit or blood from a nosebleed on me, sometimes mine, sometimes hers, and my first reaction would always be to score some more. Showering was a very low priority. I paid for every single bit of shit that we put in our bodies, and towards the end it was like a nightmare. I tried to get us both clean a few times but she never wanted to do it and I was so weak. I would give in every time she pleaded with me and go straight back on the gear with her because I am a very weak person Nell.” He looks at me challengingly. “Not such a prize am I?” he says mockingly. “I’d make a lovely person to take home and meet your folks.”
“I don’t think my mum is a very good person so she certainly shouldn’t judge anyone else.” What he just said is shocking but he’s obviously suffering under a mound of misplaced guilt. “What you did was crap Sid and shocking but you were an addict. Addicts don’t traditionally have a lot of ethics. Would you send me out now to get some blow for you tonight?”
“Fuck no!” he says without thinking and I nod.
“I know because you are a good man and what you did wasn’t you. You didn’t force coke up Leah’s nose. She did that herself and I bet when she went out to score she did it because she wanted to?” He nods reluctantly. “Yes, you helped her but you weren’t exactly operating from a higher moral plain at that time. You were a fellow addict, not her conscience or her keeper. You did try to get her clean but in the end it was you that made the decision to get clean which she hasn’t done yet. You can’t feel bad about that, and you can’t force her to do anything that she doesn’t want to.”
He nods but I know that he does feel guilty for being clean and that he doesn’t really believe me and then he takes a deep breath.
“I will not do romance or love or anything deep Nell. I’m not a safe person when I love. You need to know that. I can take you to bed. Fuck I want to take you to bed so badly I’m fucking shaking with the need.” He holds out his hands to show me how they tremble and I shudder inside but he reaches out and grabs my chin forcing me to look at him. “But you have to know Nell, that that is all it would ever be. I’m not going to fall in love with you. I’m not going to want to settle down and ask you to marry me. I’m not going to have kids with you and grow old together. All that I can ever offer you is to either fuck me or just be my friend. It’s up to you.”
I conceal a wince because he’s staring at me waiting for my decision. I look at him closely seeing that beautiful face with its tired eyes and the full mouth drawn tight in worry, and the bruised knuckles where he defended me. This is not a man that doesn’t care. He’s capable of immense love but he doesn’t know it because he doesn’t trust himself with anyone’s heart. He doesn’t feel that he’s safe for anyone, which is ironic because he’s my safe place even though he doesn’t realize it.
Since the second time that we met he’s stuck up for me and looked out for me, but he doesn’t see this as anything unusual. I know deep inside myself that if we do this thing it has the potential to destroy me because I know that I’m already halfway in love with him. To fall all the way and be rejected would be unbearable, and friends with benefits is usually a one way ticket to heartbreak. However, I know more than most that love doesn’t come with any guarantees, and I’d always been a bit of a gambler in life before. Maybe it’s time to resurrect that girl rather than living safely in the shadows.
Making my mind up I reach up and run my hands through his soft, silky hair and down over his sharp
cheekbones to the corner of his full lips and then gasp as almost against his control he opens his mouth and sucks lightly on my finger. When he looks up his eyes are dark with lust. “Nell,” he says warningly. “Did you hear a word of what I just said?”
“I did. I’m just ignoring it.”
He draws in a sharp breath. “Do you mean …?”
“I want both Sid. We can sleep together and still be friends.”
He smiles sadly. “You’d settle for that? Nell, what the fuck is wrong with you love? You’ve got so much to offer. Why throw it away on me in return for nothing?”
“Life’s very short Sid, you and I both know that. Why don’t we just roll with this and see where it takes us?”
“It’ll take us nowhere. That’s what I’m trying to tell you Nell.”
I smile. “Then so be it. I want you very much Sid but I like you as well. It seems simple really.”
His eyes darken and he examines my face closely and then he nods. “For the record I think this is a terrible decision, but I want you so much I know that I’m not going to be able to keep my hands off you for much longer. However, you’ve had a very traumatic night. How about we stick to friends for a bit? I’ll let you in as far as I can and you do the same. We’ll get to know each other and then see if you still want us to sleep together?”
“You might be the one to change your mind and find someone else.”
“Nell, I’ll never change my mind about it because I don’t see anyone else, but you need to be the one that decides and not me. So do we agree that we’ll be friends for a bit and then maybe more later?” I nod and he looks stern. “I don’t think I’ll last long before I have to fuck you so think carefully.” He pauses. “But no love Nell, I’m serious when I say that I will never fall in love with you.”
“Understood,” I say with a dry mouth and a hurting heart.
“Okay go to bed now,” he commands and I scuttle back to the bedroom feeling like I’ve just made a deal with the devil.
Sid
Five minutes later I hear the pad of footsteps behind me, and I hold up a hand to indicate that I need a second as I pencil in a change to the melody that’s been in my head for weeks. Charlie rounds the settee and throws himself down onto the cushion that Nell was sitting on. “Wow, these are warm,” he smirks. “Anyone would think you’d been keeping company with a young lady Sidney.”
“Fuck off,” I smile. “You knew she was here.”
“Yeah, I waited until she went back to bed before I came down.” He pauses. “How is she?”
I sigh. “Okay I think. She’s going to be covered in bruises tomorrow and she’ll be sore for days but she’s alarmingly resilient really, almost like she’s coated in Teflon.”
He smiles sadly. “I get the sense that she’s had to be like that.” He looks at me questioningly and I shrug.
“I don’t know mate. I feel the same as you. She’s got the look of someone that’s just waiting for the next blow to fall but she says very little about herself. I know her brother died a few years ago and I get the sense that it’s the reason why she’s not fully involved in the industry. Phil Walker raves about her. Apparently she writes those jingles, she doesn’t just sing them, a fact which she didn’t even fucking mention at the audition.”
He whistles. “She’s a woman of mystery. Perhaps that’s why you two are so drawn to each other.”
“What? I’m a woman of mystery too. How did you guess my secret?” I laugh, fluttering my eyelashes theatrically at him and he smiles reluctantly.
“You know what I mean. You don’t let much slip either.”
I stare at him. “I tell you loads,” I start, and then watch as he grimaces.
“Not really mate. You tell me what I want to hear – how you’re doing fine now, how you’re not tempted at all, how I should sing that song in a better fucking key, blah blah fucking blah!”
I’m amazed at this show of temper from my brother who has treated me with kid gloves since I came out of rehab, and almost instantly I feel my anger rise to meet his in the first really honest conversation that we’ve had in a few years. “Fucking bollocks. Would you like me to tell you something else Charlie? Do you want me to tell you how I fight it every day? How I want a blunt or a line almost every time that I’m feeling down? That I have to fight the impulse that tells me that I know the name of the best dealers in every city that we pass through, and it sometimes feels that the only thing between me and the fall are my fingernails which are still clinging on? Fuck it’s almost as if you want to hear the worst.”
He winces and I waver, wanting to take that back instantly because nobody has stood in my corner like Charlie. All my life he’s been there at any cost, but then he glares and runs his hand through his hair, getting up and pacing back and forwards. “I don’t want to fucking hear it,” he whisper shouts. “But since the day that you started with all that shit there hasn’t been a fucking minute when I haven’t thought about you, that I haven’t prepared myself for the worst. I didn’t sleep properly for years Sid because every phone call or text might have been the one telling me that you’d died. Do you know what that did to me – me, the one who’d always protected you? Fuck, you’re my baby brother and I couldn’t do a thing but sit on my fucking backside while you set about killing yourself.” He stops, his chest heaving and silence falls until I break it.
“I sometimes wish that I’d died that night,” I say quietly, and he gasps in a harsh gulp of air sounding like he’s choking.
“How can you fucking say that?” he whispers with a voice full of tears.
“Easily. Look what I’ve done to you and Mabe and everyone that’s ever loved me. I put you all through that shit for what? To stuff fucking blow up my nose until it bled, until I tore my skin because I’d got the coke bugs. That’s me Charlie – I’m dirty. How can you even want to be near me?”
He comes down beside me and grabs me into a warm hug and I’m humbled to feel the wetness on my neck. He sniffs. “You’re my fucking brother Sid and I love you unlike the love that I have for anyone else. You and Mabe, you’re everything to me and I would die for both of you quite happily so just don’t fucking question it anymore, because nothing that you have ever done, or could ever do would ever change that love. You need to get that through your head and you need to properly talk to me. You need to tell me all of this. I’m not some fucking lightweight that’s going to collapse under the strain. It worries me more when you don’t tell me stuff, because I can fucking guarantee that nothing you can tell me is worse than what runs through my mind all the time.”
I nod and cling to him for a minute, a thousand memories of our childhood rushing through me. How he used to fight anyone for me, how I would follow him everywhere, how he would take dad’s fists rather than me, but it’s this thought that stops me because I can’t keep letting him do that, only with life now rather than dad. “You have to trust me,” I say quietly and he looks at me helplessly. “I know it’s going to take some time but I’m not a little boy now. I’m a man and I need to live my life without you taking everything and everyone on for me.” He opens his mouth to protest but then subsides and I smile weakly at him. “I love you Charlie. You’ve always, always been there for me but if we’re going to move on through life together and still be close you have to step back and let me get on with it.”
He nods slowly. “I’ll try,” he says reluctantly and then smiles. “But just a step, no more. I have to be ready to catch you mate, it’s the way I’m made and I promised mum.”
“You promised to always be there for me Charlie. You can still do that without looking at me like you want Paul to strip search me and do a cavity exam every time I go to the fucking loo.”
He laughs out loud and ruffles my hair. “I would have stopped that a while ago but I thought you liked it.”
“Fuck off!” I smirk and then we’re laughing together, big belly laughs like we used to do when we were kids holding our sides at our comedy shows o
n TV.
“Are you two okay? Only I heard raised voices and now you’re laughing like lunatics,” comes a low voice and Mabe comes into view. Her hair is loose and she’s wearing a vest top and pyjama bottoms that cling to the slight swell of her belly.
“Fine baby,” Charlie says tenderly. “It’s cold down here though. Go on back to bed love and I’ll be up in a minute.” She smiles and runs her hand down his hair and then bends and kisses my cheek.
“You okay now?” she double checks and I enfold her in a warm hug. Charlie may have made her my sister in law but she’s always been my sister.
“I’m fine honey. Go on back to bed. You look tired and I don’t want your baby daddy to get worried.” She makes a noise of disgust and Charlie laughs again but she does look tired which I suppose is down to the baby.
When she’s gone we sit in silence for a second and then I stir, unable to keep quiet. “How are you feeling about the baby?”
He smiles determinedly. “Brilliant mate. I couldn’t be happier.”
I stare at him and my disappointment at that clichéd reaction must show because he sighs and his shoulders slump. “I am happy,” he says in a low voice, winding a piece of loose thread from a cushion round his finger. “It’s just …”
“Just what?” I know the answer but I need him to say it so that he can see how ridiculous he’s being.
He’s silent for a long time and I’ve almost given up when he stirs. “Dad …” he mutters. “I want children with Mabe. I want that more than anything but I’m just …” he trails off.
“Scared,” I supply, tensing for a punch because Charlie never reacts well to admitting fear. I’m amazed when he looks almost grateful.
“Yes I’m scared. I’m so fucking scared. This is mine and Mabe’s child. What if I fuck it up? What if I lose my temper and hurt him or her? It could happen Sid, so take that look off your face. Dad wasn’t violent all the time or mum would never have married him.”
“I know that Charlie but I think dad always had a temper and the alcohol made it ten times worse.”
