She couldn’t help herself; Flic raised her hand, determined to challenge Anna. “If you’re all so smart, why do you believe in something you can’t prove exists?” Her cheeky grin conveyed her words weren’t offensive, but it was a valid question.
The young man answered confidently. “The evidence we are taught relates to changes in the universe, things others call fate or destiny. These are all controlled by God. Life and death is controlled by God. The fact that we are here on earth making decisions, choosing, being guided; something has to control that. That guidance comes from God. Miracles,” he said enthusiastically, “are the work of God.”
Anna shook her head as if predicting where Flic was going with the conversation.
“Thank you.” Flic smiled at the young man whom she’d taken a warm liking to. “What you’ve just described is faith. A belief. And it has to be, because nothing you just explained to me is proof. If I choose not to board a train that subsequently crashes with no survivors, your response could be that God chose to save me that day. Correct?”
Everyone besides Anna nodded.
“Whereas an equally valid point of view could be that Santa Claus chose to save me that day.”
The congregation laughed.
“Prove to me that he didn’t,” Flic said.
Anna found her voice. “Billions of people around the world don’t believe in Santa Claus, but they do believe in God.”
“That’s completely untrue. Billions of children all over the world believe in Santa Claus.”
“Yes, but only because their parents tell them to.”
“Exactly!” Flic loved it when a plan came together. “They believe it because we tell them to. Sound familiar?” Flic smiled. “The fact that our parents tell us that a big fat man from the North Pole delivers our presents on Christmas Eve doesn’t make it true. The fact that the church continues to condemn homosexuality doesn’t make it right. We all have capacity for faith and love. In my world”—she gestured to the room full of amazing people—“love is love.”
Chapter Nineteen
“My faith is the most important thing in my life.” It was the first time Anna had mentioned anything religious since leaving the meeting the previous day, and she had removed her headphones during the flight back to the UK to address Flic.
“I know. I think that’s a wonderful thing to have in your life.”
“I enjoyed yesterday.”
“You did?”
“I did. I’m an intelligent person, just like you said.”
“Without question.”
“Then why do I feel so confused?” She replaced the headphones and turned toward the window.
After a moment of contemplation, Flic tapped her on the arm. “Anna?”
Anna removed the earpieces.
“Enlightenment, regardless of which way it goes, is a process. Intelligent people become confused because the process is demanding. Ignorant people rarely have the capacity for enlightenment, or learning and growing as a person.” She shrugged. “You’re working to find a balance between your head and your heart. It takes time.”
“You know, I thought I was brilliant the day I found out Santa wasn’t real. I thought I’d cracked the conspiracy. I was dead chuffed with myself. I thought I’d outsmarted everyone.”
“It’s a great thing to believe in as a child though, isn’t it?”
“I feel like I’m the one who’s been outsmarted now.”
“Why?”
“It doesn’t matter.” She replaced her earbuds, signifying an end to the conversation.
Pushing Anna was a mistake. Flic let it slide.
*
Elated to be back on British soil and in one piece after the Paris fiasco, Flic was yet again whisked away to a hotel. Going home wasn’t an option, not until she could purchase a gated and fenced property and install a security system. Laura reckoned she could break into Flic’s flat with her eyes closed and her hands tied behind her back, so she’d moved her belongings to a storage facility and her flat was up for rent. Apparently, to rent the property of esteemed author Felicity Bastone was a status symbol and the real estate agent was negotiating a figure triple the estimated rental income of a property that size and in that location.
Back at the Safire, Flic was bursting to see Laura.
“God, you look so tired.” Laura pulled her into a solid embrace. “And rich, you look so rich.”
“I do not look rich,” countered Flic.
“Okay, you don’t, but you are rich, right?” Laura helped herself to the minibar. “Dee still picking up the tab?”
Flic laughed. “You’re such a twat.” She cuddled in again. “But I can’t believe how much I’ve missed you.” Memories of Paris came rushing back, and annoying tears filled her eyes and choked up her throat.
“Hey, hey, hey. That’s enough of that. You’re all right. You’re in one piece, and from what you’ve told me about your security detail, you’re safe as houses now. Speaking of which, is that your woman at the door?”
“That’s Marcelle, my number one girl on security. You didn’t give her a hard time, did you?”
“Hardly. I wouldn’t dare.”
“Good. She’s been fabulous. Leave her alone. She’s straight.”
“No way!”
“Yes way. She’s married to Carlos, one of my other minders.”
Laura threw her arms in the air. “Say no more. A girl knows when the odds are against her.”
“Late lunch?” Flic was famished and was keen to enjoy the London pollution she’d missed for weeks now.
“Oh yeah. Can we do Marcus’s? Surely this is a special enough occasion for that?”
Marcus’s was their favorite go-to Italian restaurant for special occasions due to the menu prices being double other restaurants.
There was no hesitation. Flic agreed, popped her head out the door, and informed Marcelle who promptly phoned Carlos. Within five minutes, there was a knock at the door; security was ready to escort them.
Laura was in awe of the arrangement and its efficiency. For Flic, it was second nature. “They Google the location, check it out on Google maps, and set up a preliminary schedule which may or may not change depending on the day and the circumstance.”
“How many will follow us?”
“One that you see and one that you don’t.”
“Bet I can spot him.” Laura fancied herself as a spy.
“Bet you can’t.”
“What makes you so sure?”
Flic grabbed her hand and dragged her from the room. “It’ll be a woman.”
The food, the wine, and the company—it had all been delicious and exactly what Flic needed. She’d missed Britain and she’d definitely missed Laura. At four thirty, her phone rang. It was Anna.
“Hi, Flic. I was wondering if you’re busy at half five this evening?”
Flic wasn’t. She’d planned to soak in the bath, order room service, and watch a movie on her elaborately large television. And she’d only planned this regime of pampering because Laura was doing a business dinner. “What did you have in mind?”
“I’d like to show you something.”
It wasn’t like Anna to be so secretive. “Show me what?”
“Just say you’ll come along. It will only take an hour or so. It’s completely informal so just wear whatever.”
An hour wouldn’t interrupt her plans for the evening. After all, she’d just eaten her weight in Italian. “Sure. Will I meet you somewhere?”
“No, that’s fine. I’ll pick you up at five and I’ll let Carlos know the arrangements.” Her voice seemed lighter now that Flic had agreed. They ended the call.
Laura stared at her.
“What?”
Laura cleared the table and leaned on her elbows ready to pounce. “Spill.”
“There’s nothing to tell.”
“Rubbish.”
“I swear.”
“Then swear again, sweetheart. I can only presume the
crush on Mary Magdalene hasn’t extinguished?”
The fact that Laura knew her so well grated on her nerves. “It’s not a crush.”
“No? Look, I’m not judging you, but you obviously have feelings for her.” Laura sat back. “Am I right?”
The truth was Flic needed someone to talk to. “I like her.”
“Does she like you?”
“Well, that’s the thing. I think so, and sometimes our familiarity is so easy it’s like we’re a couple, but other times we’re poles apart.”
“A couple? So you’ve slept together?”
It was all coming out wrong. “No. Not at all. I’m not even sure she’s gay. I just really like her. I mean, what makes us like any one person in particular? I wish I knew, but all I really know is that we get on well, we have fun, she’s super supportive when I’m doing appearances, and I feel good around her.” Flic explained how she’d taken Anna to the meeting in Bruges.
“Do you think she’s struggling with her sexuality? Because what you’re describing sounds to me like a perfectly straight girl who’s made a good friend.”
That was certainly something Flic had considered—about a million times.
“You’re investing an awful lot of time in someone who might just like you as a friend.”
“But what if she doesn’t?”
“I think you should let it go.” Laura was serious.
“What?”
“You don’t chase straight girls, Flic, you never have—”
“But what if she’s not straight?”
“And as I was saying, straight Catholic girls are in a league of their own. Enjoy Anna’s friendship, by all means, but don’t get swallowed up in something that’s unlikely to happen.”
Remaining silent at this juncture was the only way Flic knew to make Laura let it go. The conversation turned to more catching up and home gossip topics before they paid the bill and returned to the hotel just before Anna was scheduled to arrive. It was going to be a cool evening and she needed a warmer jacket. Anna, as usual, arrived on time.
“So, where are you taking me?”
Anna grinned. “Don’t get too excited. You’ll probably find it about as much fun as sewing class.”
“I’m quite good at sewing.”
“Of course you are.”
“Well, don’t come crying to me when you need a button sewn on.” They stepped into the fresh early evening.
Anna cocked her head to one side and raised her eyebrows. “You think I don’t know how to sew?”
Accepting defeat, Flic draped her arm through Anna’s. “You win. So where are you taking me?”
“Patience, Felicity.”
They strolled through Green Park, past Buckingham Palace, and eventually onto Ambrosden Avenue, where Anna stopped. “The other day you opened my eyes and my mind. I’m still processing everything I saw, heard, and learned, but today I’d like to repay the favor.”
An impressive building grandly occupied the right-hand side of the street. Flic recognized the stripped brickwork of Westminster Cathedral.
“I’d like to show you my world.”
Flic nodded her assent.
“I’m taking you to Mass.”
“Interesting choice of location for a date.”
Poised to defend herself, Anna clocked Flic’s playful expression. “You nearly got me.”
“You’re catching on and beginning to make it difficult.”
“Good, it’s about time I caught up, but I’m sure you’re up for the challenge.” Anna checked her watch. “Come on. We don’t want to be late.”
“God’s a very good timekeeper I hear.”
“You can shut up now.”
Flic squeezed Anna’s elbow and kissed her cheek. “I’m on my best behavior, I promise.”
Stalling on the front steps, Anna inhaled deeply. “I want to explain to you where this experience takes me, where I go when I walk through the doors.”
Flic nodded.
As they entered the stunning building, Anna pulled Flic to the side. “The moment I enter, the world outside ceases to exist. The very first time I entered a church, I was awash with the most satisfying sense of calm. I expected that sensation to wear off. In fact, I waited for it, afraid that I would never feel it again, but it never went away. Today, walking through those doors, I can honestly say I experienced the same feeling I did as a small child.”
Flic took in the beautiful and peaceful space. She felt only a small sense of calm but attributed that to the delightful quiet that surrounded her. She remained silent and let the mild aroma of incense fill her nostrils in the muted light.
“There’s something in here. I feel a presence.” Anna was speaking from the heart. “I feel it in every church, not just stunning cathedrals in the center of London, but everywhere. It feels like home here.”
“Did you ever consider becoming a nun?” It was a serious question.
“Of course, but it was never going to be enough. I wanted a church to call my own, a place where I could welcome my flock, lost children I could save, broken hearts I could mend all in the name of the Lord and all under my roof.”
Flic understood. “But the Catholic Church won’t allow women priests?”
“No, and I understand why, but I felt my calling wasn’t so much to wed God, more to the service of being the caretaker of a church, the giver of God’s word, and the holder to the key of the gateway to enlightenment.” Mass was about to begin. “Let’s take a seat.”
If she’d had to put a positive spin on the service, Flic would have described it as interesting. If she’d had to tell the truth, she’d have described it as sensationalist propaganda.
Void of drama—a quality Flic thought would have enhanced the experience—the priest pointed to his foot and announced that murderers and rapists were the lowest of the low and sinners of the highest order that belonged at the very foot of the Lord. He then indicated a place level with his knees and suggested thieves and abusers belonged at this level. Then, placing his hand level with his eyes, he suggested the remainder of the population belonged at that level, high above the sinners he had previously mentioned. Even Flic felt a sense of pride to be in the highest level, but the best news was yet to come. Pointing to the sky, and in effect to God, the priest suggested that because God was so high above us all and so free from sin, no matter how differentiated man had been initially, we were all sinners. Flic deflated in a matter of seconds.
She would have liked to have challenged Anna on the content of the sermon, but today wasn’t about challenges; it was about understanding. She watched Anna take communion and participate in the service enthusiastically. The process was essentially the same the world over, but Flic understood that besides her creative marketing and public relations flair, Anna thrived on routine, and church services were certainly routine, if not downright boring.
It was well known that the Catholic Church was one of the richest organizations in the world, but Flic looked on as Anna tossed fifty pounds in the basket during offertory. She quickly calculated that if Anna gave, on average, only five pounds per week over her lifetime, she would have donated near on eight thousand pounds. She shrugged internally. Perhaps it was a small price to pay for enlightened contentment.
At the conclusion of the service, Anna remained seated. “I wasn’t neglected as a child, my parents provided for me, but they worked hard and played hard. I was left to my own devices for long periods of time.”
Flic waited patiently while Anna collected her thoughts.
“I was an only child and I was an accident.” Her shoulders sagged as if saying the words relieved her burden. “They didn’t know I found that out. One night, my parents had friends over and I overheard them talking candidly about children.”
“I’m sorry, Anna.” Flic covered her hand with hers.
“I didn’t love them any less. They didn’t speak the truth with malice. It was a fact. That was that.”
Flic wondered what i
t would be like to know your parents hadn’t planned for your arrival, and not just at that moment, but ever. There would have been little celebration at the news her mother was pregnant, limited excitement decorating the nursery, and ultimately, probably not enough nurturing to fulfill a child.
“So, do you see why this is the one constant in my life?” Anna asked.
“I can see that.”
“I detect a but?”
“But if you let it, there could be many constants in your life. Your experiences as a child shaped you, that’s human nature, but I think you’re doing yourself a disservice by not allowing your experiences as an adult to shape you also.” Flic had much more to say, but she left it at that.
“I don’t know if I can.”
“You had the courage to find your happy place as a child. Where’s that courage now?”
Chapter Twenty
“You took her where?”
Anna knew telling Seb was a stupid idea, and when she said it out loud, it sounded like a stupid idea. “I took her to Mass.”
“Why on earth would you do that?”
Anna explained she was returning the favor. She told Seb about the gay Catholic group she’d met—that Flic had wanted her to meet.
“We’re all free to think and believe in whatever we like.” He nodded.
She hadn’t mentioned it at the time, or after for that matter, but she’d found the experience positive. Although the church spoke of inclusion, in her experience they did so in fear. They controlled what they feared by defining it in a manner to suit themselves and then selling the hope of redemption to keep the oppressed in the gutter where the church believed they belonged. Ignorance, for the church, was obviously bliss.
It was a rubbish analogy, but Anna felt like a racehorse whose blinders had been removed. Suddenly, she could see the trees around her and not just the muddy old racetrack straight ahead.
“So do you think Flic respects my need for the church?”
“Of course. She’s pro choice.”
“Yes, but what does that actually mean?” Anna turned to face Seb on the sofa. “For example, I don’t believe in abortion, but she does. So which one of us is pro choice?”
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