It didn’t matter. The shitshow was going to stop. Now.
Raising my hands above my head, I sliced them through the air. Sparkling green crystals burst from my fingertips, surrounded the sandstorm and doused it like it was a fire. The sand fell to the ground and the idiots now floated about six feet above the beach, dangling like puppets. I’d had the forethought to separate them and it was a smart move. Both Archer and Thornycraft were bloody and bruised. What the hell and seashells was going on here?
“Enough,” I hissed as the two men eyed each other with fury. “I’d like to know what’s happening or I’m gonna blast both of you over to the Sea Hag cave. And trust me, it smells like butt on a stick in a heat wave. Am I clear?”
“Johnson-man-tool has come to send ye to Davy Jones’ locker,” Thornycraft ground out, still ready to have a go at Archer.
“My name isn’t Johnson-man-tool,” Archer snapped, glaring at Thornycraft.
“Aye. I know that, ya thunderin’, worm riddled fish gizzard. Why don’t ye tell the swimming hooker yer real name?”
“She knows my name,” Archer growled.
“Nay. Misty only knows one of them, ye mutiny minded crow bait. Why don’t ye share some of yer other monikers? Should have figured it out when ye rode in on a dolphin,” Thornycraft snarled.
My stomach dropped and my chest felt tight. Something was very wrong here and I wasn’t quite sure what it was. Whatever it was, I knew I wasn’t going to like it.
“Stop. We can’t stay on the beach with you two nardholes hanging in the air shouting at each other. We’re going to my suite and I’m getting to the bottom of what’s going on. You will not speak, touch or even look at each other. If you do, you’ll have to grow a few new body parts. Got it?” I yelled, quickly scanning the beach to make sure it was still deserted.
“At the risk of losing me tallywhacker, I insist that the scallywag reveal his other names,” Thornycraft grunted with his hands firmly placed over his pecker.
“Fine,” I said with an eye roll. “Archer, what are your other names?”
“Thought you didn’t want to know my name,” he shot back, looking slightly uncomfortable.
The jackhole still looked sexy even dangling in the air. Why did he have to look like that? It was every kind of not fair. His jeans, t-shirt and combat boots were soaked with sea water and covered in sand, but somehow the dumbass still looked like he’d just walked off the pages of GQ.
“Yep, well, you screwed that up the last time we met.”
“Pun intended?” he inquired with a twinkle in his gorgeous icy blue eyes.
“You can shove the pun up your ass,” I said, trying not to laugh. Everything he did, even the rude stuff, was enchanting to me… Shit. “What’s your other name?”
His eyes narrowed, and he all of a sudden looked huge and a little bit scary. I was glad I’d strung him up in the air.
“Mandan,” he muttered giving Thornycraft a nasty look.
“Madman?” I asked. I mean, he was kind of nuts, but that was his name?
“No. Mandan,” he repeated more clearly.
“Umm… kind of weird, but I don’t have a problem with it. You have more?”
“The muck swillin’ fish gill does,” Thornycraft hissed.
Again, my gut clenched, but I pressed Archer aka Mandan for more. I was very aware something was coming that would piss me off far more than a fat bulbous toothless love baby gunning for me, but there was no going back now.
“Tell me.”
“Eros,” Archer said through clenched teeth.
What the fuck? Eros? His other name was Eros?
I was fairly sure I was going to be ill. This was not happening. It couldn’t be happening. Had I been set up?
And if I was framed, who exactly had set me up?
“And your other name?” I said, staring daggers at the bastard who had come to off my ass.
“Clearly you already know it,” he replied with a shrug.
“I want to hear you say it,” I shot back, wanting to slap him silly. “Say it.”
His pause seemed to take an eternity and I held his eyes defiantly. How could I have been so clueless for so long? Were there signs I’d missed over the last half century? How in Poseidon’s diaper wearing ass had I not know I was boinking a demigod? And why did I feel like sobbing?
“Cupid. My name is Cupid.”
The secret part of me wanted to cry and scream, but the part I shared with the world most certainly did not. The boinking bastard had come to kill me and I wasn’t in the mood to die. Not today.
“On three,” Thornycraft shouted. “One. Two. Three.”
I didn’t think. I didn’t hesitate. With my loyal fingerless buddy, we zapped the shit out of my enemy Cupid. Glitter and sparking mist exploded into the air. The magic sizzled and danced on the ocean breeze. I was shocked that our power—even combined—could knock out a demigod, but then again, I still had no clue what Thornycraft was. Whatever my finger challenged friend was, he was freakin’ powerful and for that I was grateful.
“Swimmin’ hooker, let me down and we’ll take the bilge water swiller to yer suite. We need to question the scoundrel before we send him to Davy Jones’ locker,” Thornycraft advised.
Nodding, yet unable to speak I did as I was told. Together we dragged my beautiful, immortal enemy to my suite. My heart was heavy and I had never felt so betrayed or embarrassed. Thornycraft said nothing, but gave me a quick hug.
I was pretty sure something inside me broke. It wasn’t my heart. I’d only given that to my sisters.
But whatever it was it hurt—a lot.
8
Cupid
“Yar a green gilled, cutlass weenie flappin’, shitbucket,” a parrot squawked and strafed my head.
What the fuck was that and what the hell had happened to me?
My limbs felt like lead and my head was pounding so hard I could hear my heartbeat in my ears. I tried to pry open my eyes, but they felt full of sand. With no idea of how I’d gotten to wherever the hell I was at the moment, I was not a happy demigod. I was all for an adventure, but this one felt a bit off even for me. Was I in a damned zoo?
“Wake up, shit shine! Time to dance the hempen jig,” the foul-mouthed, flying bag of feathers announced with glee.
Forcing my eyes open, I took in my surroundings. My new, scraggly feathered friend sat on my chest and eyed me with distrust and interest. The room was feminine and smelled familiar. The scent was delicious and poked seductively at my hazy memory. Had I enjoyed a rendezvous and then gotten so inebriated I’d passed out? As an immortal it was incredibly difficult for me to get soused, but stranger things had happened in my ridiculously long lifetime.
If I had indeed been involved in a tryst, my lover was quite kinky. I was tied up within an inch of my immortal life to a four poster bed inlaid with colorful seashells and shimmering green jewels. Normally ropes and chains couldn’t hold me. However, the rope that bound me was ancient and so steeped in magic, escape was going to be difficult.
I just prayed to Zeus that the vicious looking parrot hadn’t been involved somehow. I couldn’t have been that drunk…
Since I wasn’t exactly in into whips and chains—or parrots for that matter, I wondered how I’d ended up in such a dilemma. Besides, I’d only slept with one delectable creature for the last fifty years and I was fairly sure this wasn’t her scene.
“Cupid is stupid,” the asinine bird sang as it glared at me.
Wait. The. Fuck. A. Minute.
It all came back with sickening clarity. The familiar scent now made sense. My surroundings made sense. My fucked up situation still didn’t make much sense, but I recalled it now. But mostly, I was surprised Misty had a bird. I would have called her for a goldfish girl.
I was really confused. For the first time in as long as I could remember, I wasn’t sure exactly what to do… and I didn’t like the feeling. First things first—get out of the bindings and find the Mermaid.
/> “Misty?” I called out.
“The swimmin’ hooker isn’t here, ye picaroon,” Thornycraft answered as he moved into my line of vision. The scraggly parrot flew off my chest, circled the room and landed on his shoulder. The bird was wearing a purple sequined bib and what appeared to be a lei made out of popcorn.
“Yar a dipshit. Ye will walk the plank if yer wanker arse don’t avast ye,” the bird squawked and narrowed its beady little eyes at me.
Honestly, I should be wary of the Pirate since I had a very fine idea of exactly what he was. However, the bird was terrifying.
Wait a minute… I was fucking Cupid. Showing fear was not anywhere in the handbook for gods. But that parrot… it was nightmare inducing. Whatever. I would fake it until I could make it or at the very least break free from the ropes.
“I think there’s been a misunderstanding,” I explained through clenched teeth, trying my damnedest to sound at least slightly polite.
“Liar, liar, arsehole on fire,” the parrot shouted.
Gods, I certainly hoped not. Trying to lighten the moment, I gave my captors my most charming smile. It was one of my best weapons.
It didn’t work.
Shit.
“Start talking, ye bulbous, slimy fish hook. Ye got five minutes to explain yerself or I’ll let Wally have a go at ye. And trust me, ye don’t want Wally havin’ a go at ye,” Thornycraft said with a shudder as the bird yanked a chunk of hair out of his head.
“Who is Wally?”
“I’m Wally,” the bird screeched.
“Poseidon’s Wally?” I asked, unable to stop myself.
“Aye,” Thornycraft confirmed as the Wally in question took a dump on his shoulder.
This horrifyingly hilarious wrinkle rendered me silent briefly. Poseidon was wooing a man who shifted into a profane parrot? Had the soused God had one too many bottles of rum? Had Hades frozen over?
“Wally, I’ve… umm… heard about you from Poseidon. He seems quite taken with you,” I said, buying time as I skillfully and covertly worked at the ropes. “I hadn’t realized he was gay until he told me all about you. It’s nice to meet you, sir. I’m sure you two make a… umm… handsome couple.”
Thornycraft’s eyes grew wide with horror while Wally went on a cussing rant the likes of which I’d never heard in all of eternity. Poseidon was right out of his liquored up mind to be after this one. The bird was more insane than the Sea God himself.
“That’s it!” Wally shrieked, completely losing the Pirate accent. “Poseidon’s pecker is a goner.”
Glowing a frightening amber and teal, Wally took off through the open window at a speed that almost rendered him invisible. However, he left a few smelly gifts behind. Nice.
“Yar an eejit,” Thornycraft said with a shake of his head. “If the God of the Sea loses his salami because of ye, yar in deeper shite than ye already are.”
“What did I say wrong?” I asked, perplexed. “I was being fucking polite.”
“Ye called Wally a man,” he grunted and tried not to laugh. “Wally is not a man.”
“Are you fucking serious?” I demanded, feeling a little ill.
“Nay. I’m Thornycraft.”
“Shit,” I muttered. How was I supposed to know someone named Wally was a woman?
“Shite is right,” Thornycraft muttered. “But ye might not make it out of this room alive so ye won’t have to worry about Poseidon and Wally. Start yapping, eejit.”
I had several choices here. Actually, I had no choices here. The ropes were not loosening at all. The truth was the only way out of this. I just prayed to Zeus’ randy ass that the Pirate would believe me.
“Demons are coming. They want Cupid. Misty has to give up the job so the demons will go after me instead of her,” I told him.
“Try again, dingy dangler,” Thornycraft said with an eye roll. “Ye think I’m gonna believe that Hades is sending demons to Poseidon’s son’s wedding?”
“He’s not sending them,” I said. “There’s been a rip in the abyss and they’re coming through.”
“Says who?” he demanded.
“Apollo.”
That gave the Pirate pause and he didn’t like what he heard. Thornycraft pulled his cutlass from his scabbard and held it to my neck. He knew and I knew he wouldn’t decapitate me. Killing a God—even a demigod—was a massive no-no. However, he could do some damage.
“Methinks ye set the swimmin’ hooker up. Ye left yer magic dust on her and the Sea God saw it. That’s why he hired her.”
“My magic stayed on her skin?” I asked, shocked. How was that possible? That wasn’t possible. Unless…
“Aye. Methinks ye wanted someone else to take the fall for ye.”
“NO,” I snarled. “If anyone so much as touches her, I will destroy them.”
Thornycraft stared at me in surprise for a long moment. Actually, I was a bit surprised as well to realize I meant every word I’d just spoken.
And the damned butterflies were back. I really needed to eat…
“So ye just go whoring around leaving yer sparkles on all the lassies?” Thornycraft growled.
“No, not that it’s any of your business. And the magic had never stayed on anyone. Ever.” I snapped and pulled at the ropes to no avail. “And that swimmin’ hooker is the only woman I’ve been within a half century.”
“And ye think I’m gonna believe that ye haven’t quaffed all the strumpets across the land? Yar a son of a biscuit eater and hornswoggler should be yer middle name.”
“Umm… not sure I followed that,” I replied, understanding every word. I spoke fluent Pirate, but old Thornycraft didn’t need to know that nifty fact. Besides, he was a little too invested here—and I didn’t like that—at all. “I’m telling the truth. I think you might be in love with her, Pirate…”
“Are ye a wanker bucket?” he shouted with a grunt laughter. “The hooker is like me kin. And I take care of me kin. Methinks ye sounds a little green around the gills. Mebbe ye like her.”
“You should stop thinking. It’s overrated.” I didn’t like her. I didn’t like anyone. And right now I didn’t like myself much either.
Thornycraft chuckled and shrugged. “Why is there a rip in the abyss? Start at the beginning.”
And again, I had no choice but the unsavory truth. The old freak protected Misty better than a Doberman would have. The only way I was getting out of the shitshow I was currently in was to make him believe Misty was in danger without my help.
“Fine. Poseidon is in charge of DIC now and…”
“Hold yer seahorses,” Thornycraft choked out, paling considerably. “Poseidon is in charge of all the tallywhackers in the Universe?”
I closed my eyes and bit back my laugh. “Umm, thankfully no. DIC is the Divine Immortal Circuit. He lost at strip poker and has to run it.”
“Aye,” the Pirate said with relief, regaining some of his color.
“He fired me for slacking on the job.”
“Did ye?”
“Did I what?”
“Did ye slack on the job?” he repeated.
With an eye roll and a put upon sigh, I shrugged. “Yesssss,” I confirmed tersely. “So the soused old bastard hired someone else. Before I knew it was Sheena who had been hired, I’d planned to seduce, betray and take back what I what was rightfully mine—not giving a shit who got run over in the process.”
“Who is Sheena?”
“My bad. Misty. She told me her name was Sheena.”
“Like ye told her yer name was Johnson-man-tool?” Thornycraft asked.
“Sure,” I answered non-committedly. Technically it was one of my names or at least the name of my dick. I was not getting into the part of the story where I challenged Misty to name my Johnson. I was fairly sure the Pirate wouldn’t appreciate that. It was a slight mystery why I even cared what the ass thought, but I went with it.
“So ye got fired. Ye found out who yer replacement was and ye came to eighty-six the swimmin�
�� hooker.”
“Yes. NO,” I snapped. “I wouldn’t harm one emerald-green hair on Misty’s head. I’m here to kill the fuckers who want to kill her.”
“Aye. So ye say. And why is it that the evil bilge rat varmints were able to come through the abyss and why do they want Cupid?”
“To make a really long fucking story short, I wasn’t doing my job. There’s not enough love in the world and that caused the tear. The bilge rats are gunning for Cupid so they can stay on this plane. If there is no more Cupid, then there is no more love.”
“Ye have a mighty high opinion of yerself,” Thornycraft said with a snort of disgust. “Do ye even believe in love?”
“No. I don’t even know what it means anymore,” I admitted.
“Did ye ever?”
“Once upon I time I did,” I said. “Not now.”
“And yet ye are the one to promote it? Mebbe Poseidon was right about firin’ ye.”
“Maybe he was,” I hissed. “And as soon as I make sure nothing happens to Misty she can have the job back. As long as she’s alive and well, I’ll be fine. Does that work for you, asshole?”
He holstered his cutlass and titled his head, examining me like I was a science experiment gone wrong. Then he grinned.
“Methinks ye like the swimmin’ hooker.”
“I most certainly do not,” I argued. “Can’t a guy do something nice without getting accused of something horrible?”
“Ye are gonna put yer life on the line fer the little hooker. That means ye like her… mebbe even love her.”
My gut clenched with terror. What was happening here?
Nothing. Nothing was happening here.
The Pirate was insane and I didn’t have time to deal with this shit.
“Look, Thornycraft, while I’d love to shoot the shit with you about the myth of love, I really need to convince Misty to trade me back my job for a few days. So what do you say? You gonna untie me?”
Misty's Mayhem Page 7
