‘‘You know that isn’t true. He took you off the job because he finally came to his senses and realized you could be killed in the process.’’
Helaina painfully got to her knees. ‘‘But he knew that from the beginning. He was always nervous about sending me, but Chase had already defeated several agents. He’d nearly killed Stanley, so he knew something had to be done. He figured Chase would never expect a woman.’’
‘‘No doubt that was true,’’ Jacob replied. ‘‘But it wasn’t sensible. Chase is much too dangerous . . . as you’ve learned the hard way.’’
‘‘So you think Leah is right? You think I’m just selfish and self-centered?’’ She felt tears stream down her cheeks and hated herself for such weakness.
Jacob looked to the floor. ‘‘I think you were wrong.’’
‘‘Explain yourself.’’
He lifted his gaze to meet her eyes. ‘‘I think you acted out of a desire to accomplish something for yourself. You were motivated not by justice, but by a need to fulfill some imaginary mark you had set for yourself.’’
‘‘It wasn’t imaginary and it wasn’t just for me,’’ Helaina argued. ‘‘Chase is a dangerous man who needs to be stopped. I felt responsible—I needed to finish the job. I wish you could understand that.’’
‘‘I wish you could understand my point of view on this as well.’’
She looked at him questioningly and sank back to her pallet. ‘‘What do you mean?’’ She suddenly felt drained of all energy. Her illness had definitely taken its toll.
Jacob didn’t answer right away, and for several minutes Helaina thought he might refuse to speak. Finally, just when she’d given up hope, he began.
‘‘I don’t think Leah has a right to put this all off on you. However, I do believe Leah innocent of any wrongdoing. I don’t think you have a right to blame her for not apprehending Chase. It wasn’t her obligation or desire. She was afraid for her safety and for yours. She knew that without proper treatment you would die. You do realize that, don’t you?’’
‘‘I know I was sick, but I’ve always had a strong constitution. I would have recovered.’’
Jacob shook his head. ‘‘Do you honestly think you’re invincible? That you’ll live forever? Because without accepting that Jesus died for your sins and that He wants you to repent of those sins and turn to God, you can’t live forever.’’
She stiffened. The last thing she had expected was a sermon. ‘‘I asked you if you believed your sister was right in calling me selfish and self-centered. I didn’t ask for a theological discussion.’’
Jacob looked sadder than Helaina had ever seen him. She instantly regretted her words but knew there was no way to take them back. She opened her mouth to speak, but Jacob beat her to it.
‘‘I don’t want to have a theological discussion either. You know, I feel sorry for you, Helaina. People care about you—genuinely care—but you push them away because you’re terrified of being disappointed . . . hurt. God genuinely cares, too, but you’ve lumped Him in with the rest. You’re afraid He’ll disappoint you as well.’’
‘‘This isn’t about God. It’s about your sister.’’
‘‘No. It’s about you.’’
Leah fell asleep despite the rough ride. In her dreams she saw Jayce and couldn’t help but feel joy at his affection. He told her how much he loved her, but as Leah started to reply, his image faded. Soon there were other faces. Ayoona and Oopick, Jacob and Karen. Leah felt as though they were all trying to tell her something, but she couldn’t make out the words. It was as if they all spoke a language she couldn’t understand.
Then the dream shifted and Leah was a little girl running in the mountains. She felt free and exhilarated by the mountain air. She thought for a moment she might lift right up into the air and fly. It was a marvelous sensation.
‘‘Leah?’’
She knew that voice. Turning, Leah found her mother. She smiled and waved. ‘‘I’m here, Mama.’’
Her mother smiled. ‘‘Leah, do not forget who loves you.’’
‘‘I won’t forget, Mama. Look, I’ve picked you some flowers.’’ Leah held out the bouquet, but the blossoms withered and blew away. She frowned. ‘‘They used to be beautiful. Now they’re ruined.’’ Leah began to cry. ‘‘I’m ruined too.’’
‘‘No, Leah. You aren’t ruined. You are beautiful, and you are loved. No one can change that.’’ The voice was no longer her mother’s; rather, it was a deep, comforting voice that seemed to come from the skies. Could it be God?
‘‘But Chase did those horrible things to me,’’ she sobbed, suddenly seeing herself as a grown woman in rags. ‘‘Look at me. He’s destroyed me.’’
‘‘Chase had no power to make you, and he has no power to destroy you, Leah. You have already chosen who holds power over you. Remember?’’
Leah awoke with a start. For a minute she feared everyone in the party had experienced the same voice she had heard. She pushed aside the furs and came up from her place in the sled. Buried there in her warm cocoon, no one knew whether she was awake or asleep. She glanced over her shoulder to John. She had chosen his sled so that Helaina could ride in Jacob’s. John didn’t seem to even notice her there. No one paid her any mind.
No one had heard the voice. She realized she was panting and eased back into the furs. Could the words have come from God?
The bitter pain that had hardened her heart felt lessened.
‘‘Chase had no power to make you, and he has no power to destroy you, Leah. You have already chosen who holds power over you. Remember?’’ She heard the words echo in her head as though they were being freshly spoken.
‘‘Chase has no power over me unless I give it to him,’’ Leah murmured. Her heart picked up speed. ‘‘I know who holds power over me.’’ A tiny spark of hope began to burn. Chase had only touched her physically because he had imposed that upon her. She had no choice. But she was allowing him to touch her spiritually and emotionally, and she had a choice in that.
‘‘I won’t give him that power,’’ she whispered. ‘‘I won’t give him that part of me.’’ The words gave her renewed strength. The shackles seemed to fall away. The ember of hope burst into a flame. ‘‘I’m not ruined.’’ Tears fell hot against her cheeks. ‘‘I’m not ruined.’’
Later that night, Leah felt she had to face Helaina again. She had hoped Helaina could stay by herself so Leah could share Jacob’s tent, but Jacob insisted the women stay together. Knowing this, Leah knew she had to apologize for having lost her temper.
‘‘I’ve brought you supper,’’ she said as she came into the tent.
Helaina looked up. ‘‘What is it?’’
Leah put the tin plate on the floor in front of her. ‘‘Reindeer stew. It’s the last of the meat. John and one of the other men plan to scout ahead and hunt. I’ll be driving John’s sled tomorrow.’’
‘‘It smells good,’’ Helaina admitted and sat up to eat.
‘‘Look, I want to say something,’’ Leah began. She sat down, hoping Helaina would understand that this wasn’t just a quick, insincere comment. ‘‘I need to apologize for losing my temper this morning. I was wrong to do that.’’
Helaina looked up in surprise. ‘‘Were you also wrong to say the things you said?’’
Her tone seemed rather hard—almost smug, but Leah refused to let it put a damper on her newly found peace of mind. ‘‘No. I meant what I said this morning.’’ Helaina’s expression fell and Leah continued. ‘‘I spoke the truth.’’
‘‘Maybe your truth.’’ Helaina pushed back the plate and shook her head.
‘‘Truth is truth. You’re the one who believes the law is the law. Why should it be so hard to understand that it’s no different for truth?’’
‘‘Laws are established and written down. There is only one interpretation—one meaning.’’
‘‘Then why must there be judges—Supreme Courts to review the laws and the cases involving those
laws?’’
‘‘Look, this isn’t about that. You called me names—said I was selfish and self-centered.’’
Leah easily remembered her words from the morning. ‘‘And your actions have proven to be such. You focus on yourself—not God or anyone else. I apologize for getting angry about it and saying things I might otherwise have kept to myself. But that’s all.’’
‘‘So this is about God. Just because I don’t believe the same things you believe, I’m wrong?’’
‘‘Helaina, I’m not here to condemn you. I don’t even want to argue with you.’’ Leah got to her knees. ‘‘But I hope someday you will understand that vengeance belongs to the Lord. You will never find satisfaction in your schemes for revenge—at least not the same kind of satisfaction you could find in belonging to someone who will never change—never disappoint.’’
‘‘How many times do I have to tell you or your brother, I’m not in this for revenge?’’
‘‘Do you suppose if you say that often enough, it will be true?’’ Leah didn’t wait for an answer. ‘‘Helaina, I wish you would truly consider the matter with an open heart. You want revenge for Stanley—for the pain caused him. You want revenge on Chase because he’s the one assignment that you’ve failed to fulfill. You couldn’t catch him. Just like you couldn’t keep your family from being killed.’’
Helaina gasped. ‘‘How dare you? You have no right to bring them into this.’’
‘‘Maybe not, but I think if you consider it, you’ll see the truth for yourself.’’ Leah got to her feet and moved to the door. ‘‘I’m sorry if I’ve offended you, but rather than worrying about yourself, I’d start thinking about poor Stanley. All he knows is that you’ve disappeared into the wilds of Alaska chasing after a madman. If the Pinkerton agents were able to get word to Washington from Nome, then Stanley will truly be grief-stricken. He won’t know if you’re dead or alive, but given Chase’s record, he’ll assume the worst. Instead of worrying about the one that got away, it might be good for you to remember those you still have.’’
Leah left Helaina to ponder her words and hoped that the younger woman would see and understand. Walking toward the fire, Leah met Jacob’s questioning expression.
‘‘Was she hungry?’’
Leah shrugged. ‘‘I don’t suppose she has her appetite back just yet.’’
‘‘What about you?’’
Leah sat down beside him. ‘‘I ate. It was quite good.’’
‘‘Are you feeling better now? You seem . . . well . . .’’
‘‘Less caustic?’’ she asked, throwing him a smile. ‘‘I’m sorry for the way I’ve acted. This little adventure in my life has taken its toll. I’m ready to go home and be quiet. I’m still not myself, but I’m trying to regain some peace of mind.’’
‘‘God can give it to you, if you let Him.’’
Leah nodded. ‘‘But we’ve been at odds lately. I feel frustrated that He would allow all of this misery into my life. If He loves me, how can He allow me to suffer so much?’’ She genuinely wanted answers.
Jacob gazed into the fire. ‘‘But God didn’t spare His own Son misery and sorrow. Why would He spare us?’’ He turned toward his sister. ‘‘Look, I think that things happen—all things—for a reason. Those reasons are sometimes painful to deal with . . . to understand. I think, however, that it’s all a part of trusting God more. It’s easy to trust Him when things go right. Then your faith has no need to grow. Understand?’’
‘‘I think so. I guess I just didn’t want to grow that much.’’ She forced a smile. ‘‘So many times in my life, I’ve had to grow up before I felt I was ready. Like when Mama died, and then Papa died, or when Jayce refused my love. Now with all that’s happened, I feel that again I’ve been made to face things that I wasn’t ready for.’’
‘‘But God will take you through it. He will never leave you nor forsake you. The Bible says so. These problems are only momentary. They won’t last forever.’’
Leah nodded. ‘‘I know you’re right. I need to look forward to my future with Jayce instead of looking back at the sorrows of the past.’’
‘‘Exactly.’’ He shifted his position and suppressed a yawn. ‘‘Look, I’ve been thinking about that as well. I want you and Jayce to take the house. I’ll build a small place close by. It’d be nice if you’d still cook for me from time to time.’’ He gave her a rather pathetic look that suggested pleading.
Leah smiled. ‘‘You know I will, but we could surely work out something so that you don’t have to go building a house in the dead of winter.’’
‘‘Maybe I’ll stay with someone until spring.’’
‘‘You can stay with us,’’ Leah countered. ‘‘We can set up a room for you in the store. There’s plenty of room in there. So long as we learn to respect each other’s privacy, I don’t think there will be any problems.’’
‘‘Well, maybe until spring,’’ Jacob said, nodding. ‘‘You should know, though, I’ve actually thought about returning to Ketch-ikan.’’ ‘‘Why?’’ Leah was genuinely surprised by this statement.
‘‘Adrik asked me to consider it. He says there’s going to be a lot of new job opportunities. The government is going to pick up that plan to build a railroad to Fairbanks. They’ve already gotten started and have asked Adrik to come in and help them.’’
‘‘Help them do what?’’
‘‘Hunt for the workers, mainly. I think he’ll also help with the natives.’’
‘‘But he’s Tlingit and Russian,’’ Leah replied. ‘‘The railroad will go into Athabascan country.’’
‘‘I know, but Adrik said he has friends there and feels he can offer help as an interpreter. He suggested I come and take care of the homestead in Ketchikan or even come work with him.’’
Leah considered this for a moment. ‘‘It’s hard to imagine you leaving Last Chance.’’
‘‘Well, I haven’t completely decided. Captain Latimore still wants our help with the Arctic exploration. I wouldn’t mind giving that a chance either. I know Jayce is still very interested. We talked about it on the trail.’’
‘‘I guess I hadn’t thought about either of you leaving.’’
‘‘You were invited as well.’’
Leah shook her head and reached her hands out to the flames. ‘‘I’ve had enough excitement to last a lifetime. I don’t want any more.’’
For several minutes, Jacob said nothing. ‘‘What happened out there? With Chase?’’
Leah swallowed hard. The old feelings tried to creep in, and she closed her eyes. ‘‘Please don’t ask me.’’ Her voice was barely audible. ‘‘I can’t talk about it. Not now—maybe never.’’
Chapter Seventeen
Jayce managed to get Chase into the tent before the wind picked up and the temperature dropped. He carefully arranged his brother’s injured frame, then went to work melting snow for water.
The weather threatened more snow, and Jayce worried about finding his way back to the village at which they’d stopped. He’d seen no other sign of civilization and given Chase’s desperate state, this furthered his concern. For all he knew there could be a village just over the next hill, but then again, he might head off in the wrong direction and be hundreds of miles from any kind of help.
As Chase’s body began to thaw, he started to move and then to moan. Jayce moved to his side with a bit of melted water and one of his old shirts. He ripped the shirt into strips that he could use to dress Chase’s wounds. The only problem was that there were many cuts.
‘‘Chase, can you hear me?’’
His brother’s head moved, but he didn’t open his swollen eyes. Jayce took one of the strips and dipped it in the water. He touched the cloth to Chase’s bloodied lips, hoping to trickle a little of the clean water into his mouth.
‘‘Chase. It’s me, Jayce. I’m trying to help you, but you need to wake up.’’
With a tenderness he didn’t truly feel, Jayce lifted Chase’s head
ever so slightly. How could this man have gone so wrong in his life? How could he have forsaken the training and upbringing of good people to live a life of crime and murderous hate?
‘‘Chase, I’m going to give you a little water.’’ He squeezed the cloth onto his twin’s lips. Some of the water ran into his bloodied beard, but a little made it inside.
Lowering Chase back to the pallet, Jayce began to tend the wounds. All the while he talked to his brother.
‘‘I don’t know why it had to come to this. It seems such a senseless waste of a life. You were always clever and good with mastering skills when they were of interest to you.’’
Jayce felt certain the nasty rips in Chase’s face and upper body were made by a bear. Perhaps it had been Leah’s rogue bear or one of the Arctic polar bears wandering inland. If it was Leah’s bear, he would have been wounded and more dangerous. He would most likely attack without provocation. Chase would have only had a knife with which to defend himself. The fight would have definitely been unevenly matched, even if the bear was injured.
The water bloodied in the bowl rather quickly, and Jayce found himself in a dilemma. If he tossed it outside, it might attract the killer bear to join them. If not the bear, then perhaps wolves would be attracted to the scent. On the other hand, Jayce hadn’t brought a lot of supplies and utensils with him. The bowl was much needed and Chase required more care.
Jayce finally decided he had no choice. He braved the wind and cold to walk some twenty yards from the tent. He carried the bowl and lantern in one hand while balancing his rifle with the other. He wasn’t about to take a chance that the bear was still in the vicinity, just waiting.
The night was amazingly quiet. Only the wind offered any sound across the frozen tundra. The skies were heavy with clouds. No stars. No moon. Yet Jayce’s thoughts were focused solely on his situation: He was in an unfamiliar area of the territory and his brother was fighting to live. Neither of them were in a good position. Jayce still needed to figure a way back to civilization, and Chase . . . well, as best Jayce could tell, Chase was dying.
[Alaskan Quest 02] - Under the Northern Lights Page 15
