by Maisey Yates
But he had left her. And he felt like he deserved some kind of additional medal of valor.
Of course, all of the actions from the night before basically nullified that.
He had taken her virginity only yesterday morning, and by 2:00 a.m. he’d had her at least five times. There had been absolutely no concession given to the fact that she was inexperienced and might be sore, not that she’d been anything less than enthusiastic even once. No. Still, he hadn’t even thought of that. Not until he had woken two hours after the last time and begun the drive back to the Laughing Irish.
Now the full reality of the situation was beginning to settle over him. And he had a feeling his brothers would be more than happy to drive it home. They would not be kind.
Not even Finn, who had been in favor of this. He couldn’t be. Alex had played the part of horny jackass. What the hell were older brothers for if not to try and keep you on some kind of straight and narrow?
Though, he imagined that might require his brothers to know the way to the straight and narrow. And frankly, he wasn’t sure any of them did.
He walked up the steps and into the house, into the kitchen, where the three of them paused in their coffee drinking and turned to look at him.
“Good morning,” he said, his voice sounding like gravel. “Where the ever-loving hell is the coffee?”
“Drank it all,” Cain said, lifting his mug to his lips. “Didn’t expect you.”
“Sorry,” Liam added, not looking anything of the kind.
“What the hell am I supposed to do?” Alex asked.
“Make your own damn coffee, princess,” Finn responded, taking a long, slow sip of his own and taunting Alex with the vision of someone else getting caffeinated.
“Too damn early,” Alex muttered, walking over to the coffeemaker.
“Well, I guess you should be a little more responsible with your time management,” Liam said, his voice maddeningly calm. As far as Alex knew, Liam Donnelly didn’t know the meaning of the word responsible. His older brother was a hellion, and had been from the time they were adolescents. Getting a lecture on respectability from him was just hilarious.
“Got your full eight hours, did you?” Alex asked.
“Maybe even ten,” Liam responded, his lips quirking upward into a smile.
He had probably slept in a bed too. Though, he certainly had not had sex five times yesterday. But Alex couldn’t even feel smug about that. And, had he hooked up with just any woman, he would have been. He would have rubbed it in his brothers’ faces.
But this was Clara. And he couldn’t do that. He felt...well, he didn’t regret it. But he did feel guilty. And that was a damn complex emotion. Particularly for a man who disliked complex emotion, or emotion of any sort. He preferred for all of his feelings to come from two places. His stomach and his dick. Anything more than that was unnecessary.
And yet, here he was, scowling around the kitchen, looking for the coffee.
“So where were you?” Cain asked.
“You have a teenage daughter, Cain. It isn’t me.”
“Oh, I know. But if you’re going to engage in a grand performance, coming home when you know all of us are going to be in the kitchen, then I’m going to assume you want to be called to the carpet. Or the stone floor, as it were.”
Dammit. He wasn’t even wrong.
“I was out,” he said, reverting to sullen teenager then and there, and basically making a mockery of what he’d just said to Cain.
“Obviously. Probably had sex. And it must be sex you’re ashamed of.”
Finn shot him a knowing look. “You did it, then?”
“Please. That’s what the kids call it, Finn,” Liam said. “If Alex was out fucking, I expect him to say it like a man.”
“Watch your mouth,” Alex said, shooting his brother his most deadly glare.
Liam’s eyebrows shot up. “Oh. Well, I didn’t realize you had a special lady.”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” Alex said, “and you need to watch your mouth.”
Cain assessed Alex for a moment, and then his jaw went slack. “No, Alex,” he said. “You didn’t... Not with that girl.”
“She’s a woman,” Alex shot back.
“A woman who is barely five years older than my daughter,” Cain said.
“And if I had a daughter, that might be a problem,” Alex said. “But I don’t. And I’m a hell of a lot younger than you, old man.”
“Still,” Cain said. “You’re supposed to be taking care of her, not banging her.”
“Are you going to help me out here?” He directed that question at Finn. “You’re the one who advised that I go for it.”
“Right. And did you actually take my advice? Are you telling me that you legitimately thought through the entire thing and acted based on what I said?”
No. Obviously he couldn’t say that, since there had been very little in the way of thought from the moment he had kissed Clara yesterday morning to him standing here in Finn’s kitchen today.
“She’s a grown woman,” he said to Cain. “And she made it perfectly clear that she wanted it. I respect her.”
“Neat trick,” Cain said. “Turning it into being about respect.”
“That was Finn’s fault too,” he said, feeling defensive.
Finn shrugged. “Since when do you listen to me?”
“Bunch of assholes.” He didn’t normally get angry. Didn’t normally let much of anything ruffle him. But his body was still on fire from a night with Clara, and his conscience was burning too. His brothers were cutting far too close to his own concerns, and he just didn’t need it. Not when he felt bad enough, and was running on almost no sleep.
He stood in the center of the kitchen, not really sure where anything was.
“Did you need help making the coffee?” Cain asked.
“That would be good,” he said, deciding to take his brother’s sarcasm as a serious offer as he moved over to the kitchen table and sitting down. “I didn’t sleep.”
“Yeah. And you’re kind of grumpy for a man who didn’t sleep for the reasons you didn’t sleep,” Liam pointed out.
“And you don’t think I know it’s messed up? You’re right. I came in here so you three would yell at me.”
“That’s very interesting, Alex,” Liam said. “What in your childhood made you feel the need to do that?”
“Screw you.”
“You seem like you have a lot of anger,” Liam replied, unfazed.
“You seem like you have a lot of jackass.”
“Why don’t you bring her over for dinner?” Finn asked mildly. “I bet Lane would like to meet her.”
“It’s not that kind of thing,” Alex said. “And before you get in my face, she knows that.”
“I meant,” Finn continued, “because Lane would like to talk to her about carrying her honey in her store. She really liked the sample you brought back. And she’s always looking for new products for the mercantile. And, not only that, but for her subscription box too. She said something about how honey would ship well? I don’t know. But I trust her expertise on the subject. She could really help kick-start that part of Clara’s business.”
“It is too damn early in the morning, Finn,” Alex said. “I need coffee. I can’t think.”
“Well, you don’t have to. Why don’t you have her over?”
“And have you all sitting around leering at us?”
“Come on,” Cain said. “We’re not going to do that. Lane and Alison might. I can make no guarantees there.”
“Do not tell Violet.”
“Why would I tell my teenage daughter who her uncle is sleeping with? I question why I know who you’re sleeping with.”
“I don’t put much
past you, considering you’re catching up on all that big-brother garbage.”
Cain smiled. “It’s true, I am. Being raised an only child, knowing that my younger brothers were out there, not benefiting from any kind of torment from me to help build their character, well, things like that are probably the reason you’re taking advantage of this nice young lady.”
“Screw. You.”
“No time for that,” Cain said, picking up his cowboy hat from the table. “Have to go milk cows.”
“You’re legitimately the worst.”
“No,” Cain said, “that’s not fair. I’m illegitimately the worst. You and Liam are the only legitimate ones.”
“Could you not spread that around?” Liam said. “It will damage my cred.”
“Sorry you don’t get to be a bastard,” Cain said cheerfully. “But you do make up for it by being a bastard.”
“True.”
Alex wasn’t sure how he felt about the change in his relationship with Clara. Wasn’t sure how he felt about his brothers knowing about it. Or being here and working the ranch with them at all. He wasn’t sure quite what he had wanted. To be told to stop, maybe. So that he could see just how strongly he felt about it. So that he could spend some time justifying what he was doing out loud.
But heckling aside, they were just...accepting. Of him. Of what he was doing. It was weird. It was weird to be in this kind of situation. Weird to have this kind of closeness.
To have these roots, which were starting to grow so deep.
He even felt closer to Liam, closer than they’d been growing up. You would think they’d have a strong brotherly bond already. And they did. It wasn’t that they didn’t. But there were strange gaps in that relationship that Alex couldn’t quite figure out. Strange pockets of resentment that he felt Liam had toward him. Or maybe it wasn’t resentment. Maybe it was just the fact that Liam didn’t know how to forge connections with people any better than Alex did.
At the end of the day, they might have grown up in the environment that most closely resembled a regular old sitcom family. But it wasn’t. They had been raised in the twisted, toxic version of Leave It to Beaver that had damaged both of their perceptions of family. And he didn’t have to have a heart-to-heart with Liam to know that.
And Clara had been left with nothing. And he had crashed into her life, and maybe even given her something. Right now she felt like he had.
But he wondered how long she’d feel that way.
Though, the damage was done. He’d had sex with her—there was no going back and he didn’t actually want to.
Which meant he had to double down on what he was here to do. Take care of her, take care of the ranch. Leave her better off than when he came.
And then what, asshole? You’re going to run into her all over town? Act like nothing happened?
He looked around the room at his brothers. At this family they were making.
He’d never been good at roots. Never been good at permanent.
Because in his experience that only ended one way.
Maybe he should listen to that. Maybe there was a reason for it.
“All right, you worthless sons of bitches,” Cain said, standing up. “Are we cowboys, or are we cowboys?”
“Ranchers,” Liam said.
“Dairy farmers,” Finn added.
“I’m a cowboy,” Cain responded. “Now let’s get to work.”
Alex watched as his brothers walked outside. Cain was right. They were cowboys. But Alex was also a soldier. And he had a mission. After he took care of business around the Laughing Irish, he was going to get to work in a serious way on Clara’s ranch. It had been left in his control, and dammit, he had to take control.
* * *
CLARA WAS THOROUGHLY distracted at work the next day. But she didn’t know how anyone was supposed to concentrate when memories of a very naked, very sexy Alex kept flashing through their mind. Memories of the things they had done. Of everything she had let him do, begged him to do. She was like a stranger to herself.
“Are you okay?” Sabrina asked.
Clara made some kind of dreamy sound and she was sure her smile was along similar lines.
Sabrina’s eyes narrowed. “You could be less smug.”
“Less smug about what?” Olivia crossed the room, popping into the conversation at just the wrong moment. Clara and Sabrina just exchanged a glance, and Olivia immediately looked crestfallen. Clara wasn’t used to being the one on the inside. Was used to being the one that felt like she was standing on the perimeter of the friendship or on the outer edges of a joke. The way that she and Sabrina were interacting was clearly making Olivia feel that way.
And Clara didn’t like that at all.
“A guy,” Clara said, stumbling over her words. “A guy that I...like.”
Olivia brightened, clearly pleased to be brought into the loop. “Oh! That’s nice.”
“I guess so. I didn’t really... I didn’t expect for things to happen with him. But he’s...”
“He’s sexy,” Sabrina finished.
“Yes,” Clara said, shooting her an evil glare. “He is sexy.”
“Do you love him?” Olivia asked, clearly interested now.
“No,” Clara said, her answer rushed.
Olivia didn’t seem to know how to respond to that. “But why would you date someone you didn’t want to marry?”
“That’s how you fall in love with somebody,” Sabrina said, her tone sage.
“Well, obviously. But I just meant...where do you see it going?”
“Nowhere,” Clara answered honestly.
“That’s what I don’t get. Just dating to date. And just...sleeping with someone to sleep with them.”
“Because he’s hot,” Sabrina said, speaking very slowly. “Did you not hear that part?”
“I did,” Olivia offered. “I guess that kind of thing just seems...dangerous to me. You could get hurt.”
Clara’s face felt warm, and her throat felt like it had been rubbed with a particularly spicy pepper. Because she didn’t want to get hurt. She felt like she knew exactly what was happening with her and Alex, but Olivia looked so concerned, voicing Clara’s own deep fears, and it made it feel too possible. That she might forget it was temporary. That he wasn’t staying.
“Well I don’t just... I know that... I’m not expecting anything from him,” she stammered out.
“Okay,” Olivia said, clearly skeptical. “I couldn’t stand something that open-ended.”
Sabrina gave Olivia a sideways glance. “Aren’t all relationships open-ended to a degree? I mean, you really never know what will happen.”
Olivia looked slightly stricken by that. “Not Bennett and me. I mean, we’re going to get married. And he’s a good man. When he makes that commitment he’ll keep it. And that’s what I want. I want everything in my future to be secure and set. Well, and I want a little farmhouse. And a golden retriever.”
“That’s very specific. I guess I just wanted a guy to love me,” Sabrina said. And it forced Clara to wonder about Liam again.
“I just want to not be alone for a while,” Clara said. “I’ve been alone. In that house. For so long. And Alex...being with him makes me feel not so alone.”
Olivia looked subdued by that. “I’m sorry,” she said. “I didn’t mean to sound judgmental. I just...worry. I have a sister who really went off the rails and I feel like having a plan for my life... I just want to make choices and stick with them. So I know where I’m going.” She cleared her throat. “But I want to be supportive. I’m not used to having friends. But I want to. And I realize some of it is my fault. If you’ve felt alone all this time, Clara, and I never noticed, I never did anything about it... I’m sorry.”
“Me too,” Sabrina said.
“You don’t have to apologize. If there’s one thing I know about basically being the specter of death, it’s that people don’t really know how to interact with you. I know it’s not personal.”
“I don’t see you as the specter of death,” Olivia said, looking incredulous. “I’m just kind of a selfish bitch. Completely wrapped up in my own stuff. It’s easy for me to get obsessive about my life. And about everything with... Well, wanting an engagement ring.”
“You’re in love,” Clara said, “I think love makes people obsessive.”
“Yeah,” Olivia said, chewing on her lip. “I suppose it does.”
“I’m not even in love,” Sabrina said. “I’ve just been dealing with all the changes happening with Damien and Lindy’s divorce. It’s hard to accept that your big brother is a gigantic asshole.”
Clara cringed. “I guess it is.” She took a deep breath, wanting—needing—to mention Jason all of a sudden. “My brother is a hero,” she said softly. “Alex told me that. Jason died saving him. He saw his friend in danger and he stepped in front of a bullet for him.”
And for the first time, grief wasn’t what led with that thought. When she made that declaration, she just felt proud.
“That’s amazing,” Olivia said softly.
“It is. And I wish... I wish he were here. But there are a lot of people who are here because of him. And that’s kind of, well, it’s kind of big. Certainly bigger than anything I’ve ever done.”
“My brother has never sacrificed anything,” Sabrina said, her tone bitter. “In fact, to serve his own needs, he basically detonated a bomb in the middle of our lives.”
“I am sorry about that. But Lindy seems like she’s doing an amazing job keeping the winery afloat.”
“If she wasn’t, she would never let any of us know,” Sabrina said. “She was my sister-in-law for ten years. I know her pretty well. But I also know how hard it is to know her. She wants to put on a smile, keep her hair and makeup in perfect order and tell you everything is fine. She doesn’t like help. She doesn’t like to need help.”
Clara frowned. “I don’t suppose any of us like to need help. We’ve all been going through things and not talking about it.”
