by Maisey Yates
He had been her first lover, and the fact that that was the case in large part because of the grief that she had suffered was not lost on him.
Because maybe she was right about that too. If life had gone her way, perhaps she would have thrown herself into dance. Maybe she would have developed a taste for kale and she would have dated men like Asher. Would have had sex in high school, maybe after the prom. Because her life would have looked a lot more normal. If she wasn’t tied to the ranch. If she wasn’t still here just doing the chores, as he feared she might be.
He had come here to give her something. To take care of her until she was ready to run the ranch herself. And then he was going to leave. She was right. That had been his plan. From the very beginning, somewhere in the back of his mind, he had always known that he wouldn’t stay here in Copper Ridge. Not at the Laughing Irish. Maybe he’d bury himself in physical labor in the middle of the woods in Alaska. Who the hell knew?
But part of him had always known that he would leave before he was asked to go. That he would remove himself from these people, from this family, without waiting for it to run its course.
But she needed him. He knew that too. Knew it in the pit of his gut. And he could be there for her. She had said that he was worth it, and he wasn’t entirely sure he would ever agree. But what he did know, sure as hell, was that she needed him in a way he hadn’t initially realized.
But that was for tomorrow. Tonight he was simply going to indulge himself. Tonight he was going to let himself have her in the way that he needed.
He stripped his clothes off so he could hold her against him, skin to skin, and then he moved down her body, blazing a trail of kisses and licks right down the center, past her belly button, to that tender skin just beneath, and then he feasted between her thighs. Tasting her, delving deep until she screamed. Until her pleasure coated his tongue, and he felt like he might drown in it. In her.
He got some protection and applied it quickly, pressing his cock against her entrance, sinking into her slowly, reveling in her tightness. In her heat.
And when he was seated entirely inside of her, he made eye contact with her, and he felt it all the way down to his soul.
This wasn’t just sex. It wasn’t sex like he’d had it before. She could see him. And he knew her. He had thought she was basically a child when he had first come here. Had acted as though being young and inexperienced meant she didn’t know as much as he did. But he was wrong. He was the one who didn’t know.
Didn’t know what the hell he was doing here. With her. In her.
Pleasure washed through him, but it was more than that. It had teeth. It grabbed him by the throat and clamped down tight. Made it impossible for him to breathe. Made it so that he could barely think. All he could do was feel. Her soft skin, that tight clasp of her body around his. The need that was building inside of him turning into something that surpassed need and moved right into necessity. If he didn’t have her, if he couldn’t stay here, he might actually die.
He was a man who had stared death down. Had it come close enough that he could taste it. Like metal and terror. But this was different. It was a kind of sweet ache that started in his chest and wrapped its icy fingers around his rib cage, tugged like it was pulling it apart.
And when he came, just as she did, her fingernails digging into his shoulders, her internal muscles squeezing him tight, it wasn’t just an orgasm. Not even close. It had as little to do with pleasure as getting shot did. No, this was a baptism. Baptism and holy fire that he knew was going to leave him altered. Leave him scarred.
And maybe it would save him. Maybe she could.
But something had to change. He had to change.
And as he lay there in the bed with her afterward, holding her against his chest, he knew exactly what it had to be.
He wasn’t the one who had to leave. It was her.
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
WHEN CLARA AWOKE the next morning, her nose was itchy. Her eyes fluttered open and the pale morning light made her squint. And then she realized why her nose was itchy. Her head was resting on Alex’s broad body, her hand tangled in his chest hair. And apparently, that same chest hair was tickling her nose.
Her heart swelled, so big she thought it might break through her own chest. She knew she wasn’t supposed to want this forever. But something about this moment felt like it could easily last that long and she wouldn’t mind. Just being here with him. In this still time before her feet had to hit the ground. Before she had to head to Grassroots, before he had to head to the Laughing Irish. When it was just him. Just her. In this house.
She snuggled deeper against him. He was what she would remember here. Now this was what she would remember. And it wouldn’t take away those other memories. No, nothing would. Just as she had told him yesterday, that was her foundation. But this wasn’t insignificant. It was part of her now. Part of who she was becoming. And she was definitely in the process of becoming.
Becoming the woman she wanted to be. The woman she was choosing to be. Though, right now she thought she could happily stay this woman, lying up against Alex’s chest forever. Too bad that wasn’t a very high-paying gig. She could be his human body pillow. She let her hand drift down to his abs, those hard, ridged muscles that sent a little thrill through her every time she saw them. Every time she touched them. Then she let her hand slide down farther and found him hard, ready as he always was in the morning. So maybe she didn’t want a job solely as his body pillow.
She wondered if Alex had the budget for a high-class courtesan.
“You awake?” His voice was husky from disuse and that sent a little thrill through her, as well.
She loved this.
She had a feeling she was perilously close to loving him.
“Yes,” she said, her voice scratchy too.
“How did you sleep?”
“Pretty good.” She brushed her fingertips over his arousal. “Though, I thought about you all night. I dreamed about this.”
“Did you?”
“Yes. Alex, being with you... Alex, I...”
He jackknifed upward in bed, his feet planting hard on the floor. Then he stood up, pacing across the length of the room. She knew that he was upset. Still, she allowed herself to watch the fine muscles in his back that tapered down to his waist, to his tight ass. An ass she wanted very much to dig her fingernails into.
“Stop,” he said.
“What?”
But she knew what. She had been about to say something emotional, something that was stupid. And she knew it. And apparently so did he.
“Clara, I did a lot of thinking last night.”
“Did you? Then I think maybe I did something wrong. I know I’m new at this sex stuff, Alex, but I’m pretty sure that men aren’t supposed to be able to think during all that.”
He didn’t smile. He looked grim. “I didn’t sleep last night.”
“I’m sorry.”
“No, I needed to think. I needed to figure this out. Jason’s will said that I should stay until the ranch was established, and I’ve been thinking in those terms. Of getting you on your feet, and then leaving. But that was wrong.”
Her heart crawled up into her throat, her entire body tense, on high alert. “Was it?”
“I’m not the one who needs to leave.”
Clara felt like she’d been slapped in the face. “What do you mean by that?”
“You were right. I figured I would be the one to leave. And in the back of my mind, I was thinking I would probably leave Copper Ridge. That eventually my brothers wouldn’t want me around. But look, that’s all past stuff I should have quit thinking about a long time ago. Stuff that I carried over from my dad’s leaving. The idea that somebody might not want to deal with me? It doesn’t come from nowhere, but I can’t shirk my
responsibilities just because of that crap. Like I said, I’m a soldier. I’ve been through worse. I’ve seen way worse. There is no reason to walk away from a sure thing because I’m trying to preemptively keep myself from having those tough conversations.”
A corner of his mouth lifted up into a smile. “Anyway, like you said, it’s not the conversations you have to be afraid of. It’s the ones you never get to have. So I figure I need to stick around and have those. I’ve done a lot of leaving my whole life. Ever since I grew up, I decided to make it something I controlled. So I was the one who moved on. And you... Clara, you’re the one who’s done the staying. You gave up everything for this place. For this ranch. You never got to choose if it was what you wanted. It fell into your lap. And I was about to throw it right back on you too. But as long as I’m here, as long as I’m the one getting it started... You need to go. You need to go away for a while, and when you’re finished, you can come back and you can decide what you want to do with the ranch.”
“I don’t...” She felt dizzy. Breathless. There was just enough truth in what he was saying that it was difficult to roundly deny any of it. But at the same time, everything in her violently denied it. She didn’t want to leave. This place was her safety. All of her life, all of her experiences were bound up in it. And he wasn’t just talking about her leaving the ranch. He was talking about her leaving him.
“Alex,” she said, her words coming out scratchy. “I don’t want to leave.”
“You don’t know that. And you’ve never had the chance. You need to take it. I don’t know why it took this long for that to become clear to me. Maybe because, like I said, I’m just used to being the one who moves on. But Clara, you gave up everything for this place. And you shouldn’t have to give up any more.”
“What do you think I’m going to do, Alex? Do you think I’m going to go join a ballet company? Because that ship has kind of sailed.”
“That’s just it,” he said. “You can do whatever you want. Whatever you need to.”
She took a deep breath and squared her shoulders. “What if I want to stay here? What if I decide I want to be here with you?”
“Why would you want to do that?” he asked, the words ragged.
There was only one reason, really. Only one thing that could make her this crazy, this willing to risk her pride, her feelings, herself.
She wasn’t almost in love with him. She was just plain in love. It was scary. Because she knew what it meant to love someone and lose them.
But Alex was worth it. Worth everything.
“Obviously it would be because I love you,” she said, tilting her chin up, giving him her best defiant expression.
Something in Alex’s eyes caught fire, then just as quickly, it went flat and cold.
“You also love pasta from a can,” he said.
“Yes,” she said, “I do. And I’m not really sure what that has to do with anything.”
“You love pasta from a can because you had to make your own meals for half of your life. But if you went to New York, hell, if you went to Italy, you would try something else. You would try real pasta, and you would realize that there was something better out there. I’m not saying you don’t think you love it. I’m not even saying you don’t love it. I’m just saying you would probably be less impressed with it if you had the real deal.”
“What the hell makes you not the real deal?” she asked, feeling increasingly frustrated. “Alex, I was a virgin, not an idiot. And anyway, I have been out on a date with Asher. It’s not like I’ve never dated anybody else.”
“Yes, you went on a date with him, and it went badly. And you and I have chemistry. There is no denying that. But you were interested in him. And you thought that you could make something happen with him. Now you think that about me. And that’s normal. It’s what normal people do. They date somebody for a while, they think maybe there’s a future, and then they find out there isn’t. But you don’t just try it with one person.”
“Maybe I just love canned pasta,” she said. “Maybe I always will.”
“I don’t think that’s the case. And anyway, the one thing I know you can’t do is spend your life wondering. This place fell in your lap after tragedy. And you stayed here out of your sense of duty. And that’s impressive. You’re a good daughter. And a good sister. But you don’t owe your entire life to this ranch. If your father were alive, would you be here?”
She didn’t have to think about it to know the answer. “No.”
“You don’t have to be here now. And that doesn’t mean you will never want to be. But don’t you think you owe yourself the chance to find out?”
“What does that mean for us?”
He shook his head decisively. “There isn’t an us. It was only ever for a limited time.”
“Alex, I don’t even know where I would go. I don’t want to go anywhere else. I don’t want anyone else.” Panic clawed at her. Tore at her throat. “You can’t force me to leave.”
“We’re done either way,” he said.
His face was like iron, a muscle jumping in his jaw.
“We can’t be done. You’re still naked. I’m naked. We’re here together and we are naked.” She meant it in more than just a physical way. She meant it in every way.
Her throat felt sore, raw. From all the unshed tears of the past decade. Because if she had cried all the tears that her sadness demanded, she would have dried up completely into a husk. Would never have done anything else.
“I don’t want to be done,” she said. “Shouldn’t I get a say?”
“That’s my point! You need to have a say. And if you’re here with me, I’m just another weight tying you down. I am not going to be another de facto decision that is forced upon you by your circumstances. And this ranch doesn’t have to be one either. It took me all this time to realize this is probably what your brother wanted. To make sure that if you didn’t want this place, you didn’t have to have it.”
“Well, what about you? What about what you want?”
“I want to give you what you deserve,” he said, sounding ragged. “And who gives a damn about me?”
“I do. I give all the damns. I give every damn.”
“Clara,” he said slowly, and she knew she would be angry about what he said next. She just knew it. “I care about you. More than I ever have for anyone. So you have to let me do this.”
“When you say you care for me, is it because of Jason? Is it because I’m his sister?”
“No. It’s because you’re you. Because I know you. Because I know everything that you gave up to keep this place going. Because I know what all of this cost you. And you told me that when all of this was over you wanted to be able to find out who you were apart from your grief. And that’s a fine goal. But you can have more than that. You can find out who you would have been if none of it had ever happened. You’ll have the money from the military soon. It’s more than enough to live on. You can go wherever you want. And until then, you can take a loan from me.”
He was offering her freedom. But she felt like he was tying a weight around her chest. One that was forcing her head down below the water. It didn’t feel like freedom.
But there was a part of her, just big enough, that wondered if he was right. That wondered if she had to go and experience life. Or how would she ever know? It was the same part of her that had obsessed over Asher. The part that wanted to know what life might be like if only things had gone differently.
And here was Alex, handing it to her.
Her Alex. Who smiled so easily and hid such deep pain. Who had a wall up in front of him, even while he stood there naked.
And she knew then that no matter what, he would never trust her if she didn’t do this. That he would never believe she had chosen him.
And he would never ask her to choose him
either.
“Alex,” she said, his name broken on her lips. “I love you. And you are not a can of SpaghettiOs.”
“I don’t know what that means.”
“I don’t have to go try somebody else to know that.”
“I can’t be the person that you need. And you’ll see that. You will. You’ll get away from this place, away from me. And the whole world is going to open up.”
“Alex...”
“I care for you,” he said, cutting her off. “But I don’t love you.”
His words went straight through her heart. “Not even a little?”
“Part of me wishes like hell that I could. But it’s best that I don’t.”
She wanted to shout at him. Wanted to scream that he was a liar. But he was standing there saying it was over, and it felt way too much like death for her to keep the tears from falling. This abrupt, awful end that she hadn’t seen coming. That had hit after such a beautiful night together.
Yes, exactly like death. It didn’t make sense. And it couldn’t be stopped. So she just stood there, her fingertips going numb, a rock lodged in her throat that made an ache spread from there all the way down through her chest.
But she couldn’t argue with death. She could argue with Alex. And she damn sure would.
“Are you tired of putting up with me?” she asked. Remembering what he had said about his father, completely not above using it against him now. “Is that what this is?”
He whirled around, his green eyes fierce. “I am trying to do the right thing. I can keep you here, and I could have sex with you every night, hold you, make a profit off the bison, wake up the next morning and do it again. But I am trying to be something other than a failure. To be something other than a disappointment. Your brother threw himself in front of a hail of bullets to keep me alive and I owe him so much more than this.”
