“Well, it isn’t any of your business. It’s my life to run, not yours.” Even though I had been fighting a confrontation, the pent-up frustration that had been building for some time by my mother’s constant finagling was reaching a boiling point. More than anything, though, I hated that she refused to take me seriously. She hadn’t yet begun to see me as an adult. I was her ever-present daughter and that would always be my role for her so for the sake of her feelings, I vented my anger toward Greg.
“Greg needs to butt out. The only reason he’s acting so concerned is because he hates Jaden. He’s jealous and I can’t believe after all we’ve been through, he’s resorted to this.”
“I can understand why he’s upset. Look at what the two of you used to have,” she said with a smile. “What happened to that?”
“We moved away, remember?”
“That can't be the only thing causing you two to drift apart.”
“There are other reasons but they're none of your business, Mom. You don’t need to know every detail of my life.”
“I’ll respect your privacy but now with Jaden out of the picture, you two can finally get together.” I scoffed, finding her incredible in her belief or disbelief I should say.
“Jaden is not out of the picture, Mother. My feelings for him haven’t changed.” A group of elderly women looked over at me, aghast that I would raise my voice to my mother. “You can lock me up and remove him from my life but the love I feel for him isn’t going to stop.” She moved quickly and startled me as her hand grasped my arm on the table.
“You will drop this Jaden nonsense!” I held her stare, my eyes growing with anger. “If this doesn’t stop, your father and I will have to take more drastic measures.”
“What else could you possibly do?” I asked while freeing my arm. “You've already taken away my simple freedoms and now you want to take away my dreams too?”
“You will never speak to him again,” she commanded, munching on a few fries. My eyes started to tear as I realized the scope of my punishment and I remembered Jaden’s words from a few minutes before. In that moment, I could see how much truth was in his assertion—I did care about other’s feelings more than my own and I was beginning to despise that side of myself.
I looked away when the waitress stopped by to refill our water. My mother thanked her and she went on her way to some new customers who had just been seated.
“I don't understand why you hate him so much. You liked him when you first met him.”
“He’s a bad seed honey. He’s a criminal, a murderer even. Do you even know who he is?” Her face showed tension which deepened the crow's feet around her eyes.
“Yes, I know who he is. Where did you get your facts?”
“From every person I've talked to in town. Apparently, he's a hot button issue.”
“You can't believe everything people tell you. I think you taught me that.” She heaved a sigh. “They don't know him the way I do. Besides, Jaden told me what really happened.”
“Oh really? How can you be so naïve as to believe his lies? He’s got you brainwashed, sweetheart.” I could hear the lull in conversations nearby as the patrons waited for my reply. I had a strong urge to stick my tongue out but I refused to act in such a childish manner. “Your toying around with this boy is all over town. How do you think it makes our family look when your father’s in public office? People are even talking about you in the grocery store.”
“Well I don’t care what people think. I don’t go around judging them for their lives.” My voice was seething with fury. “What are they saying that is so upsetting?”
“That you and Jaden go gallivanting around at all hours of the night. You drink and do drugs. I also heard that you were at that carnival last weekend, which you lied to me about.” I nodded because I wasn’t going to deny it now. “Well, did you know a woman died there?”
“Yes, I saw it.” Her eyes widened in anguish.
“So, you’re okay with Jaden killing her?” I narrowed my eyes. “Don’t try to deny it. Everyone is saying he's a suspect.”
“Well, this is the first I’ve heard of it. The ride was old and I'm surprised the whole thing didn't break down. Besides, I was around Jaden the entire time and he never came close to that woman. This theory of yours that you've spun in your head is preposterous.” She wiped away the sweat droplets from her forehead in an effort to cool herself off.
“I’m tired of the lying. I will have no more of it! Do you understand me Wilhelmina?” She looked over at me once more, making sure I knew how serious she was.
“All right. I’m going outside to have a cigarette.” She stayed quiet and I hurried out of the restaurant while she finished her meal.
Halfway through my cigarette, an elderly woman came walking toward me with thick dark sunglasses shielding her eyes. The stink of her floral perfume was enough to make me want to avoid her but I didn’t want to be rude. She sat down next to me on the bench and waited for the public bus to arrive and I inched over to the edge. I suddenly realized who she was. The same woman who approached us at the carnival, who had performed a hex on my boyfriend.
“It’s a beautiful day, isn’t it?” her scratchy voice asked. I nodded and kept silent, puffing away on my cigarette. “It’s shameful for such a lovely girl like you to be so sad on such a beautiful day.”
“I guess.” I could feel that she sought my attention even though I was in no mood to exchange words with anyone but she kept rambling.
“You must forgive the people in town. They’ve forgotten how to be around strangers.”
“Can I ask you something?” I glanced over, trying not to stare too long at her wrinkled, pale skin that had aged drastically in her span of years.
“Why sure you can,” she replied.
“I know we don’t know each other but what do you think of Jaden Laenzar? Everyone has nothing but bad things to say about him. Is there any truth to the rumors?” She smiled and showed sympathy for my struggle, which was surprising from a stranger.
“I’ve known Jaden Laenzar since he was a small boy, very handsome.” I nodded in agreement. “He always had tremendous spirit and determination. I never expected him to grow so spiteful like all the others but he has gone through such a sea of upsets that he’s lost his way. I had such hope that he would overcome his family and their legacy of unpleasant things but I know that my hope was all an illusion.”
“So, do you agree with the others that Jaden is a murderer?”
“I try not to because I can still see that spirited boy inside of him. He’s kept this town pretty quiet for the last ten years but now that murders are happening again, I can only assume that he has any involvement. You see, he has the ability to turn water into wine yet he continues to use his influence for harm and this creates doubt with his public.”
“His public?” Last time I checked, he wasn’t the mayor.
“He is as much of a leader here as any president is to his nation, my dear.” My mind flashed to Jaden standing at a podium, being sworn in with a patriotic pin and matching tie. My attention quickly returned because I hated politicians and didn’t want to picture him that way.
“He is quite troubled with the role he is to play but I have belief in the good of him for there is good in us all.”
“Well if you can see the good in him, how is it that no one else can?”
“Their beliefs restrict them from seeing anything else. You see, my child, the old phrase is seeing is believing but it is quite the contrary. In Shadow Heights, believing in something always produces the seeing.” I nodded, even though I didn’t quite understand. I was hoping she would continue with her story but the hum of the city bus coming to a stop distracted her, the steam spouting out. I offered to help her to her feet and she gladly accepted.
“Is there anything else you can tell me?” I begged.
“All I can tell you, my child, is that life is as it should be and there is a reason for everything. In time, you will s
ee that there are no mistakes and the wheel of life is spinning without your control. Coincidences do not exist here, Wilhelmina. You would be wise to remember that.” I was shocked that she knew my name because I had never introduced myself. “Good luck to you.”
“Thanks,” I said with awkward vocals. “Nice meeting you,” I shouted over the bus as the door closed.
While I watched the bus drive on, I felt like I had just been given advice from a mysterious gypsy woman with vast wisdom and knowledge for those who wish to seek it. Had she even been real or was it another illusion of this town?
“Mina,” my mother shouted at the front of the restaurant. “Are you ready?”
I sighed heavily and threw my cigarette into the sand pit ashtray nearby. I followed a few steps behind her to the car and I could feel a knot in the pit of my stomach tightening. I knew what it was—more guilt—and it was beginning to overburden me.
My mind and the outside world were telling me to break things off, to move away, and forget about loving Jaden; but my heart was telling me something completely different. My normal reaction would be to push him away but I didn’t have the strength with him. When a desire within you is so great, isn’t it foolish not to follow that inspiration with all of your being, no matter what the cost? Or is it too selfish to even stipulate such a plan?
Chapter Thirty Four
My economics class went by at a snail’s pace that Thursday and my mind kept drifting to what I would say to him. I felt that I wanted to clear the air to give myself peace of mind because I was finally ready to give Jaden my ever-dying trust but part of me was still conflicted by the very notion of giving it so freely to such a secretive person.
By the time I moseyed into the hallway after class, I had been expecting his arms to shelter me with warmth the moment I made that first step, but I got a very different scenario. My eyes scanned the flooded hall but he was nowhere to be scene, not one whiff of his intoxication or tingle of his stare. I leaned against a wall in hopes that he would come running toward me but he never showed. I glanced at my phone and hadn’t received a call from him. Where was he?
I was running low on time so I decided to go outside and partake in a still legal habit. A short time later, a door burst open to the right of me and stomping footsteps followed. A tingle formed at the side of my head and I snubbed my cigarette out in the ashtray. Of course, he showed up at the last minute.
“Where were you?” I asked, disappointed by his tardiness.
“I'm sorry. I wasn't going to come today,” he said with wheezing pants. I furrowed my brow. “I know things have been better for you since we've been apart and I told myself to stay away. But I couldn't do it, I'm weak, I had to see you.”
“I've been waiting twenty minutes for you,” I said without looking over, even though his blue eyes were tempting me.
“I apologize.” He took my hand in his and held it to his lips. “I will make it up to you.”
“How? We're not going to see each other for five whole days,” I complained and this seemed to confuse him. “There's no school on Monday because of the holiday.”
He moved closer to my face. “I can't be apart from you for that long. It's absolute torture.” He breathed against my neck, his lips lightly grazing my skin but I denied the urge to indulge him and stepped away in an effort to keep distance. “What’s going on?”
“We need to talk.” He slipped his hands into his pockets.
“All right but you’re already indulging to me that it’s something bad.” My eyes dashed to his and seeing the power they held over me, I knew I would never be able to hold my strength so I chose to stare at a family of trees a few yards away.
“I want us to come clean with each other.” He nodded and gave me the floor. “I know there are things you’re still hiding from me and I don’t want there to be anymore secrets between us.” He groaned internally but I was still able to catch it.
“I thought we were past this Mina.”
“Well so did I but I can’t ignore what everyone has been telling me this week.” He took a step forward to test me but I never flinched. “Ever since that woman’s death, I’ve heard nothing but vile things about you.” His throat tightened as he fought the urge to unleash his brutality upon my petite form. “I don’t want to believe them but there’s too much evidence to just forget that this happened. I saw how angry you were after she spoke to me.”
“You’re going to make me behave this way, aren’t you?” he questioned, taking a step forward but I was unwavering with my guard, being unsure of exactly what he meant. “The fact that you distrust me so presumably enrages me beyond expression. I thought for the first time that I had someone on my side but it turns out, you’re just like all the others.”
“I’m not like the others,” I defended with haste. “But I still deserve the truth.”
“You want the truth?” He soared over me like a giant to an insect and I swallowed hard, feeling trepidation. “I had nothing to do with that repugnant hag’s death.” His tone was hard, his teeth clenched with force. “I hate that you could even question me.”
“Well the way you just referred to her is indication enough to question you.” He pulled at his long hair, shoving it away from his face. “I just want to know how they can see you so differently from the way I do. What am I missing Jaden? How do even you instill that kind of panic in people? They’re like a crazed mob and now they’re coming after me.”
His anger seemed to drop like rain into a pool. “Has anyone hurt you?”
“No,” I assured him, “but after the way they’ve been treating me in public, I have to doubt your innocence in all of this. Even my own mother won’t let up. Every day, it’s a constant battle just to have a civilized conversation with her. All of a sudden she hates you and can’t rest until you’re out of my life. I don’t understand it because she liked you so much in the beginning. She’s convinced herself that you’re a criminal or something worse.” My brown eyes slowly rose to meet his and I saw how my words had disgraced him. His stature quickly changed, gearing up for a proper war of words.
“Since I’ve allowed you to throw these nonsensical assessments at me, I feel it only fair that I return the favor.” His boldness of voice had me withdrawing my dominant stance. “Why is your mother under the impression that I was the one who attacked you?”
“She automatically assumed.” He appeared embittered.
“She didn’t believe you when you told her?”
“Well, I didn’t exactly tell her. In fact...I didn’t say anything at all.” I felt embarrassed by my thoughtlessness. His jaw tightened, his teeth clenched together.
“How could you not say anything? No wonder they want us apart. I figured you’d at least stick up for me.” His expression was solid like rock and there was no breaking it.
“Jaden, I did. How would you tell her that her husband did it?”
“I wish for once that you would tell the truth and stand up to your parents. If you truly loved me, you wouldn’t be questioning me at all.” While he writhed in irritation, I could see the energy blocking up inside of him like a tea kettle waiting to scream.
“I’m sorry,” I replied in hopes to calm him but it had no effect whatsoever. His brawny body began to shake with little waves and I didn’t dare go any closer.
“You need to walk away.” My eyes widened. “Do it before I upset you because if you stay here looking at me like that, I will utter things that I will never forgive myself for.”
“Jaden—” I cried out but he wouldn’t allow me to voice another opinion.
“You’ve broken me in ways that I can never repair. If you want to listen to the thoughts of others, maybe its best that we end things now so just walk away.” I took a step in the opposite direction and his strained voice yelled after me. “You’ve shamed me!”
I quickened my pace and fought back the tears streaming out of my eyes but the pain of his silhouette was enough to strangle me. I tried to contai
n myself as I approached my ride, afraid to expose my high emotions but I felt like crawling into a ball and dying. After taking a few breaths and wiping away my cheeks, I composed myself by swallowing my emotions and putting on a happy face. Isn’t that how we’re all supposed to act around each other?
“You're ten minutes late,” my mom announced when I slipped inside. “Would you like to tell me what caused the delay?” I glanced over at her without staggering so she wouldn’t catch me in a lie.
“My class assignment took a little longer than I thought. We had to finish it before leaving and I was stuck on this one problem.”
“Oh.” She seemed pleased and let it lie. I was lucky that she didn’t say much else because one more second and my faltering voice would’ve exposed the real suffering I was feeling inside.
When we got home, I spent the rest of the night in my room wallowing in my sorrows, ignoring my studies, and checking into an old English romance that managed to whisk me away for a few hours. But as soon as my mind drifted back, he was there—another boulder to add to my shoulders. I wondered where all of my guilt came from. Was Jaden right?
While I thought in great length about my actions in the past, I guess I did pay more attention to the feelings of others rather than myself but I hated being selfish. I never wanted to see anyone in pain; although, I had successfully managed to deliver a truckload of misery to Jaden without batting an eye. I felt out-of-sync with myself like I was no longer there. Part of me was dying and there was nothing I could do to prevent it. It was time to let go of my past and move forward according to my own rules, whether or not it infringed upon the hopes and dreams my loved ones or society had held for me. Change is impossible to fight, no matter how hard you battle against it, and a tornado was getting ready to rip through the structure of my life.
The next day came and went like a flash but not without hours of my groveling overwhelmed me. I hated my seclusion and my inability to reach Jaden to explain how sorry I was but maybe he was right in judging me so severely, and I deserved the pain I was feeling.
Shadow Heights Page 34
