by Diana Palmer
"Watch where you're going, please, Ben. I don't want to have an accident on my way home," Jessica said haughtily.
He turned his attention to the road. He would go to Paris, he decided. He had some money saved. Cole wouldn't let him near the ranch, not even to see his dying mother. He groaned inwardly. Marion was dying, and he'd almost caused her to have a heart attack by taking these predators home to feed on her pride, at a party she'd risked her health to give him. He seemed to have fouled up everything he touched. Exile wasn't a bad idea. Nobody would miss him, he thought miserably. If he could find himself, maybe he could get his life back together.
He glanced at Jessica and was shocked to realize that all he'd ever felt for her was physical excitement. They'd been using him. Lacy had seen it at once. Why hadn't he?
He could have screamed out loud. He'd made a fine mess of things. He wondered how he was ever going to make amends.
Chapter Fifteen
You have to tell me the truth," Marion told Cole, having followed him out to the front porch. "I have to know what's caused her to be like this."
He looked down at her with quiet anguish. "I can't."
Marion's eyes began to water. "Oh, Cole. Is it so terrible?"
"Yes." He glanced away from her, toward the stable where Turk had gone, and then back to his mother. She kept staring at him until, finally, he said, with great reluctance, "Mother, the doctors don't know how long it will take for her to recover. If she does," he added softly.
Marion caught her breath and clutched her chest.
"Oh, God!" he groaned. "Mother, I'm sorry." He picked her up and carried her back inside. "Mother, I'm sorry. I should never have told you!"
"Feels as if.. .a horse is sitting on my chest. Isn't that funny?" She could hardly breathe. "It's I who am sorry—to be adding.. .to your burden "Tears bled from her eyes.
"Don't be absurd. If anyone has the right to be upset, it's you. God knows, the past day has brought enough worry to fell any sane person." He lay her down and went to fetch her pills while Lacy was called to stay with her.
But the pill didn't work. Two pills didn't work. Lacy got up, and telephoned the hospital, and spoke to Marion's doctor.
"We have to take you to town, Mother," Lacy said gently. "Now, don't cry," she pleaded. "We can't leave you in pain like this. Cole, will you bring the car around?"
"Certainly."
He went to get the car, taking one precious minute to find Turk, who was leaning against the barn wall, his eyes unseeing in a face the color of rice paper.
Cole jerked the older man around by his heavy denim jacket and shook him, almost dislodging the black Stetson perched on the thick blond hair. "Come out of it. I need you," he said shortly. "I think Mother's having a heart attack. We're taking her to the hospital. Go and sit with Katy until I get back."
Turk's eyes were agonized. "She's gone,"he said hoarsely. "She's a dead body breathing. My fault. All my fault. I could have stopped her with a single word.. .and I was too selfish to say it!"
Cole shook him again. "This isn't the time," he said sharply. "Come on."
He drew the other man out the door and propelled him toward the house. Turk went, his mind barely working.
Cole and Lacy loaded Marion into the car and shot off toward town.
Faye had come from the house to see what was going on. "Can I do anything?" she asked Turk, frowning at his wan expression.
"No. No, thanks. I'm going to sit with Katy. Just.. .do what you were doing, Faye."
"Sure."
She left, casting a doubtful look over her shoulder as he disappeared into the house.
Katy was in exactly the same position he'd last seen her, her eyes open and unseeing, her breathing very soft and quiet.
He sat down on the bed beside her and a big, callused hand went to her thin face, caressing it with shaky tenderness.
"What did he do to you?" he asked unsteadily, his heart in agony over the way she was. "I let you go, and look at you. I should have stopped you, Katy. I should have listened to my heart and not my head."
She didn't seem to hear him. Not a muscle of her body moved.
But he couldn't be quiet. He'd kept his silence too long already. He leaned closer, propping himself over her so that he could see her close up, so that his face filled her unseeing eyes.
"Listen," he whispered, "you can't do this to yourself. Marlone wasn't worth it. He was a crazy little maniac, and we both know that you only married him because of me. You never loved him. Don't destroy yourself over him."
A shudder ran over her thin body, and he caught his breath. She'd heard him! She must have heard him.
"Katy," he said softly. His big thumb smoothed over her mouth, gently disturbing its dry contours. "Look at me, sweetheart."
The endearment came quite naturally. He was hardly aware that he'd said it. But Katy's eyelids flickered and she stirred.
"That's it," he whispered. He looked into her eyes and saw, slowly, the first evidence of awareness in them.
She blinked. It all started to come back, and she moaned in anguish. "No!"
His thumb pressed down hard, stopping the words. "I'm here," he said. "I'm right here. Nothing and nobody is going to hurt you as long as there's one breath in my body. Do you hear me, little one?"
She swallowed. Her eyes were wide, terrified. "He—he was there," she managed hoarsely. "Watching." Her eyes closed. Tears washed down her cheeks. "Danny.. .all that blood." She began to sob. "Don't touch me. I'm dirty, dirty! I'm a tramp, like Danny said when he beat me. He said I was no virgin, I deserved everything I got!"
Turk shook with rage. He scooped her up in his arms and all but crushed her in his anguish. "You're not a tramp," he said into her ear, blaming himself all over again. He'd taken her virginity. Had Danny made her pay for that, as well? "You're not dirty."
"I slept.. .with Wardell," she choked, feeling his body tense suddenly. "Danny told me to go out with him, threatened me if I didn't keep Wardell sweet for him. Danny beat me, hurt me. But Blake Wardell loved me, so much. So much! I was drunk. He wanted me, and it was so sweet to be loved, to forget what Danny
had done to me... " She shivered as if with a fever. Turk held her,
his eyes unseeing as he struggled with jealous rage at what she was confessing. It was somehow so much worse that she'd slept with the mobster as well as Danny Marlone.
"Wardell took me to bed and afterward, Danny was there; he'd.. .watched us! Blake was furious! He went after him. Danny went for his pistol. There were shots..." She shuddered helplessly with memory. "Danny's dead. Danny was laying there in his own blood, and his eyes were open, staring at me!" She gasped for air. "I want to die! Let me die; I can't live with it!" She fought his arms, her eyes unseeing again, but with blind destruction this time.
This was something else Turk knew about. He'd had to stop Cole from destroying himself in France when he'd learned how terrible his injuries were. Katy would try it. He knew without being told that she'd have to be watched every minute from now on, until she could deal with what had happened. With her upbringing, the horror would be worse. But it didn't shock or disgust Turk, who knew her so well. Not even the knowledge that Danny had forced her into another man's arms. He'd deal with his jealousy somehow. If only he could be sure that Katy hadn't fallen in love with Wardell. God knew it could have happened. Danny had been cruel to her;Wardell had loved her. Katy hadn't had much kindness from men, starting with himself. He'd hurt her. Danny had hurt her. How could he blame her for turning toward the first man who showed her a little compassion?
"I won't let you hurt yourself," he said firmly, subduing her. "Lie still."
The tears came, horrible sobs that shook her body, paled her cheeks, finally made her weak with their violence.
"I'm sure Cole.. .knows," she choked. "They must have told him. He'll be so ashamed of me. Everybody will know. The scandal..."
He turned her face back to his and made her look at him. "Nobody is g
oing to throw you to the wolves. Stop it."
She bit her lower lip, averting her eyes. "I thought it was all so stupid, all the rules and straitlaced behavior and high principles. But now I understand why there are rules. They're all that keep us from becoming animals." She closed her eye on a tiny whimper. "Turk, there's been so much terror. I just want.. .to sleep."
She was drained. On some level she'd probably been aware of everything that had happened. She hadn't wanted to come back, but Turk had brought her out of it. She accepted the fact that he could call her back from the grave. He was sorry for her, but he wouldn't want her now that he knew it all. She'd destroyed herself in his eyes forever. But what did it matter? He'd never wanted her, really.
"You won't tell Mother what I told you?" she pleaded suddenly.
"Of course not."
She blinked, looking around in confusion. "Where is Mother?" "Having a checkup."Turk said, hedging. "Is she all right?" she asked worriedly.
"Of course she's all right," he said, lying glibly. "They threw a big engagement party for Ben last night. She's overtired."
"That and me, too," she groaned. She lay back defeatedly. " And she's dying," she added dully. "It looks like I'm going to lose everything. I guess I deserve it, too."
"Don't talk like that," he said curtly.
Her eyes closed, locking out his cold stare. "Who's Ben marrying?" she asked after a minute.
"Nobody now. Lacy turned his snobbish city fiancee every way but loose. Ben sent word this morning that he's off to France for a while. I didn't have time to tell anybody."
"Poor Ben."
"Poor Marion," he corrected. "Ben's venomous fiancee was making a hash of things, insulting everything from the furniture to poor Faye."
"Faye Cameron?" she murmured.
"She's.. .in the family way," he said finally.
Katy's eyes opened. "Whose baby is it?" Ben s.
"Worse and worse," she said miserably. "Poor Faye. He probably thinks she isn't good enough for him, the snob."
"Cole and Lacy stood by her. She'll manage just fine without Ben." He scowled, his face worried. "Katy.. .are you.. .all right?"
Her gaze lifted to meet his and she flinched. "What do you mean?"
A big, heavy hand moved gently to her flat stomach and rested there, his eyes asking a question that his lips couldn't form. She averted her eyes.
His hand grew heavier, warm. "Katy,"he said quietly, "I want to know if you could be.. .in the family way, by me."
Her eyes closed. She couldn't tell him. She couldn't...
"Please," he whispered, his face drawn. He turned her face back, forced her to look at him. "Katy..."
She swallowed down her anguish. She hadn't wanted him to know, but she couldn't lie anymore. She'd kept it inside too long. "Danny knocked me down a flight of stairs the first time he beat me." She had to force the words out of her throat, and she couldn't look at him as she added, "I lost the baby I was carrying."
He groaned harshly and got to his feet. He went to lean his hands on the windowsill, staring out through the distorted glass at the horizon. He'd made her pregnant. She'd lost the baby and gone through hell, all because he couldn't let her go untouched. She'd been a virgin, a sweet, innocent girl, and his mind could hardly deal with what he'd cost her. If he'd kept his head, she'd never have had to leave with Marlone in the first place. Damn Marlone! He'd beaten her, made her lose the baby. He cursed silently, his face rigid with grief and murderous rage. Damn Marlone! If ever a man deserved a bullet...
"It's all right, you know," she said dully. "It would just have been another complication. It was my fault, anyway—the way I ran after you and practically threw myself at you that last day. I never blamed you. I only got what was coming to me for being so easy and rebellious."
"I can't believe I'm hearing this," he said brokenly. "I took your chastity, tossed you into the clutches of that murderous maniac, got you involved in murder.. .gave you a baby. And you don't blame me?" He turned, his face hard with new lines, his eyes totally without emotion. "Well, I do, Katy. I blame myself for being blind and selfish and too yellow to go to Cole and tell him he had no right to dictate to me about you. He told me to keep my distance, and I did—out of loyalty to him. But he was wrong. Dead wrong. If it hadn't been for the strain of keeping totally away from you for so long, I wouldn't have been so eaten up with desire that I'd lose control and force myself on you like that."
"You didn't.. .force me," she protested, blushing.
"Hell, yes, I did," he said. "You were just a girl, but I knew what could happen. I compromised you."
She turned her face sideways on the pillow with a tiny sigh. "It takes two to commit a sin, Jude," she said, unconsciously using his real name. "I thought giving in to you might make you care. But it didn't. You can't make people love you."
"Katy..." He moved closer to the bed, searching for the right words.
She looked up. reading his expression. "You love me?" she asked with a soft, cynical laugh. "Don't do that to me," she said defeatedly, closing her eyes on the shock in his face. "I don't need your pity, Turk. You needn't pretend you care now... when we both know you didn't before. Just let it be. I don't think I ever want a man to touch me again as long as I live, anyway. Just the thought of it makes me sick."
It did. That was no joke. The night before had been traumatic. She'd gone against all her principles to sleep with Wardell, partly out of fear of Danny, pity and desire for Wardell, alcoholic overindulgence, and the need to close her eyes and let herself be loved. The shock of finding Danny watching it all, and the subsequent violent way he'd died, had snapped something inside her. The thought of sex made her stomach churn.
"It's early days yet,"Turk said after a minute, although his eyes were hooded. "You can't expect to get over something like this overnight."
"I suppose not." She put her hands over her eyes. "Poor Mama," she whispered. "So much scandal. Ben, and now me..."
"Your mother is human,"Turk replied. "Cole spared her most of it. She only knows that Danny is dead. No more. Cole told nobody, not even me, what really happened."
She wiped her wet eyes and turned her face into the pillow. The disgrace would be total when the newspapers came out. Inevitably somebody from here would read about it. Everyone would know!
"Katy, don't," he said huskily. It hurt him to watch her like this. And the baby; if he thought about that for long, he'd go out of his mind!
"I've ruined my life," she whispered. "And my family's honor. I've destroyed everything."
"You're more a victim than anyone else," he said, pausing by the bed to look down at her. He winced as he remembered what she'd said about being beaten.
"Am I?" she said coldly. "I lived with a man who broke every law there was, committed adultery, drank like a lush. I've lived among mobsters, and I even know people who've committed murder. I'm not a very nice person."
He leaned over her, smoothing her dishevelled hair. "You're just Katy," he said softly.
Her eyes met his. "I'm nothing at all. I don't want your sympathy. I don't want anything from you."
His hand stilled. "That will change," he said, withdrawing his hand.
"No, it won't," she replied. "I've been bad. Now I have to atone for it."
"You're in shock," he said, refusing to listen to her. "You'll get over this. It will take a little time, that's all. How about something to eat?"
"Food would nauseate me," she replied. She closed her eyes again. "I only want some sleep. Please leave me alone."
"Only if you swear on the Bible that you won't do anything stupid."
She stared at him. "Like jumping out the window?"
He nodded. "That. Or anything else that's self-destructive." His eyes narrowed threateningly. "You might consider that your mother can't take much more right now."
"I know that," she agreed. She closed her eyes. "I won't put any more on her than I already have," she said wearily.
"Good girl." He m
oved to the doorway. "I won't be far away. Sing out if you need anything."
"With Cole gone, don't you have work to do?"
"He said to watch you."
"I see."
"No, you don't," he said through his teeth, infuriated by her tone, her stubborn refusal to believe he cared about her. "I'll be close by. Try to sleep."
"Sure." She folded her hands on her flat stomach and closed her eyes on tears she didn't want him to see. His baby had lain there, under her heart, and Danny had killed it when he knocked her down the stairs. He hadn't known she was pregnant until she lost the baby, and even then he'd thought it was his. He hadn't been particularly concerned. If it hadn't been for Wardell, she'd probably have died after the miscarriage. Afterward, she'd all but mourned herself to death. She'd started drinking then, out of anguish. Wardell's tenderness and sympathy had surprised her. It shouldn't have, she knew. He loved her. What a terrible irony. Wardell loved her. She loved Turk. And Turk loved.. .his dead wife, she supposed. Whatever his feelings, she didn't want the pity he was offering, or his pretended caring. All she wanted was sleep.
Turk sat quietly in the living room with his thoughts until Cole and Lacy came home. They were alone, looking grim.
"They kept her in the hospital," Cole told his friend. "Thank God she's not too bad, though. She may be able to come home by the end of the week if she improves. We'll have her home before Christmas, at least." He didn't add what they all knew; that Thanksgiving had been little more than a dinner, with no real celebration because of all the family turmoil. The family was coming apart at the seams.
"Good."
Turk looked odd. White and a little shaky. "Are you all right?" Cole asked him, concerned.
"Katy came around while you were gone," he replied dully.
"She's conscious?" Cole burst out, and Lacy's eyes grew wet with helpless tears. "Thank God!"
"Thank God," Lacy echoed, pressing into Cole's arms. "Let's go and talk to her!"
"She's asleep,"Turk said, stopping them. "Give her time to rest. She'll be all right once she comes out of the depression."
