by Dahlia Adler
He certainly didn’t need to tell me twice. I grabbed the Jell-O and plastic spoon from the tray and dug in. “The secret,” I informed him, as I took a bite of the first jiggly spoonful, “is that neither of us is remotely envious of the other’s life. You couldn’t pay me ten times Van’s salary to have to smile for strangers’ cameras or sign a zillion autographs a day, let alone have to look perfect all the time and get chased by paparazzi. And don’t get me started on how nice she has to be to everyone all the time, even when people are being jerks.” As for Van, let’s just say she had zero regrets when she left school. Hayden High was the last place she’d ever wanna be.
“So you really have no interest in stardom?”
“Really. None,” I said firmly. I’d spent enough time both in public and on set with Van to know that I did not want her life. I liked both my privacy and my alone time, thank you very much, not to mention that I was utterly incapable of waking up in time to put on a full face of makeup before I had to start my day. “The occasional event I attend with her is plenty. Which reminds me that there will definitely be some sort of red-carpet thing coming up.” I groaned. “Fantastic.”
“Is that your way of hinting at money for a new dress?”
I grinned. “It wasn’t, but I wouldn’t say no if you’re offering.”
He laughed, but it was weaker this time and I could tell he was growing sleepy. “Sounds like a job for the emergency credit card,” he mumbled, adjusting his pillow.
He was passed out in moments, but I stuck around anyway, figuring it was as peaceful a place as any to do my homework. Despite frequent interruptions from nurses and my dad randomly waking up to have three-minute conversations before falling asleep again, I didn’t realize how long I’d been there until my ringing cell phone jolted me from my textbook and I saw that darkness had settled outside. I glanced at the screen; it was my mom, undoubtedly concerned about my whereabouts, especially since I’d biked today instead of driving. Whoops.
“I’m at the hospital with Dad,” I greeted her without preamble. “Not lying in a ditch somewhere, I promise. I just lost track of time.”
“Do you want me to come pick you up?”
Hmm, no lecture about not having called? Interesting. “A ride would be great, thank you.”
Twenty minutes later, I was affixing my bike to the rack of my mom’s SUV before climbing into the passenger seat. “Thanks for picking me up,” I said as I buckled my seatbelt. Only then did I see that Lucy was in the backseat. “Hey, Luce.”
“Jason Creeley tried to kiss me today,” she greeted me, making a disgusted expression.
“Jason Creeley has excellent taste,” I informed her. “But next time he tries coming at you without your consent, you should really go ahead and kick him in the—”
“Ally!”
“I was going to say ‘shin,’” I lied. “Anyway, I have some fun news that will clear the gross image of Jason Creeley’s lips right out of your head.” I filled them in on Van’s exciting day.
“No way!” Lucy’s face lit up. “That’s supposed to be the best new show ever. I can’t believe I know a TV star! I can’t wait to tell everyone at school!”
“I think you should probably wait for the casting news to be officially released,” I told her gently. “I know that being the envy of the fifth grade is super-important, but hold off on the major revelations until I get the all-clear from Van, ’kay?”
“’Kay,” she mumbled. “When’s she coming over? I’ll ask her myself.”
“I have a feeling it’s gonna be a while, squirt, but I’ll send her your love.”
“How’s your dad doing?” Mom asked. “I stopped in during my lunch break, but I had parent-teacher conferences after school. Was he awake when you left?”
“Tossing and turning, but definitely not coherent.” I watched the lights of Hayden Heights, the L.A. neighborhood I’ve lived in all my life, whiz by as we drove. I was about to ask why she hadn’t just come in when she’d picked me up, but then I remembered that she and my dad were still iffy on whether or not it was a good idea for Lucy to see him in the hospital. “I just hate leaving him alone, even when he’s asleep.”
“I do too,” said Mom, “but it’s just impossible to be everywhere at once. Besides, your dad has Steve’s entire DVD collection.”
“As if even half of the Edelmans’ collection would fit into a hospital room.”
The car fell quiet, and I glanced at the rearview mirror to see if Lucy had fallen asleep. She hadn’t; she was staring glumly out her window, her chin balanced in her palm.
“Everything okay, Luce?”
I was instantly sorry for saying it; I realized what she was about to say an instant before she even said the words. “I want to visit Dad.”
I glanced at my mom. “Maybe I’ll take you later this week,” I hedged as we pulled into the driveway. I was suddenly very, very tired. “I’m gonna head up to bed. Thanks again for the ride, Mom.” I gave her a kiss on the cheek and hopped out of the car.
It was still pretty early, but I didn’t feel like talking to anyone, I’d finished my homework at the hospital, and I didn’t have the energy for yet another practice Advanced Placement exam. Instead, I went to the bathroom, turned on the shower, and stripped off my clothes. As the white-tiled room filled with steam, I proceeded to examine every micro-inch of my body, from in between my toes to whatever scalp I could manage to view before the mirror fogged over. Once I was temporarily convinced that no new or growing moles graced my skin, I stepped into the spray and let the hot water rinse me clean.
* * * * *
There was one more person I knew would be interested in Van’s news, and when I told Nate the next morning, his grin could’ve lit the entire football field.
“So now do you think she’ll go out with me?” he promptly asked.
“Not following your logic there, Donovan,” I said as we walked down the hall toward my physics lab. “More famous plus hot costar does not equal, ‘Hey, now I’ll grab a slice with high school boy.’ Not that Van’s a snob,” I added quickly. “Just curious about your making this particular leap. Besides, why Vanessa? You could easily get a girlfriend at Hayden if you wanted one.” In fact, I had at least one friend who was quite interested, but when I’d mentioned Dana Mitchell to Nate, he’d dismissed the idea of dating her without a second thought.
“Maybe that’s why I don’t want one,” Nate said matter-of-factly.
I rolled my eyes. “She texted me last night to ask me to go shopping with her after school. You’re welcome to join, as long as you’ve got an opinion on asymmetrical hemlines.”
“On what now?”
“I’m guessing that’s a pass.”
He sighed. “Women. Later, Duncan.” He turned and walked off to his own class with a 180-degree flip of his hand over his head as some sort of dismissive wave.
As I walked up to my desk in lab, I couldn’t help feeling a little bad that I hadn’t even pretended Nate had a shot. I pulled out my phone and texted Vanessa.
Hey, what are you doing this weekend?
“Hey, Ally.”
I looked up. Speak of the devil—Dana Mitchell and her favorite tagalong, Lenore Akers, were headed my way. I wasn’t really in the mood for either Dana’s inevitable gossip or Leni’s automatic agreement with everything Dana said, but with Van off in Hollywoodland, they were what passed for my good friends at Hayden. “Hey, guys. Cute skirt, Len.”
Leni opened her mouth to respond, but as usual, Dana quickly steamrolled her. “Are you still going to insist there’s nothing going on between you and Nate Donovan? The two of you are together like every day.”
“There is definitely nothing going on with me and Nate,” I assured Dana. “He just has a little crush on Van, and he’s trying to get me to hook it up. Don’t worry,” I added quickly, “it’s never going to happen.”
Dana sighed dramatically. “Of course. How am I supposed to compete with a little Hollywood princess?”
&nbs
p; “Dane—”
“Maybe next time he asks you about Vanessa, you could tell him to drop the fairy tale and pay attention to the reality in front of him,” Dana suggested, trying and failing to keep her voice casual.
“I’ll be sure to,” I said, although I didn’t think I’d have any more success on a second attempt.
“What are you doing after school?” Leni asked.
“Going shopping with Van.” I glanced at the door as our teacher entered the room. “Hey, Bowinger’s here.”
They started to shuffle off to their shared desk, and I knew they were waiting for an invitation to join me and Van, but they weren’t going to get it. I likely didn’t have much BFF time left, and I wasn’t about to give any up.
* * * * *
“What do you think of this one?” Van asked, emerging from the dressing room wearing a one shoulder dress with a crossover hemline in a blinding shade of purple satin.
“It’s a little…extreme.”
“Hmm,” she said thoughtfully. “I’m not sure extreme is bad in this case, but okay. Hand me that black leather one.”
I did as she asked and then watched her recede into the dressing room. “Hey, Van?”
“Mmhmm?” She was clearly pulling the dress over her head, muffling her response.
“Any chance of your giving Nate a break and actually going out with him this week?”
Her sigh floated under the dressing room door. “Al, even if I was interested in Nate, I don’t have the time. Filming starts next week and I need to spend the weekend learning my lines and working on my tan. Plus I already have a little cast party to go to. A meetthe-costars thing. No plus-ones allowed, or I’d totally invite you.”
I laughed. “Thanks for thinking of me, Van, but considering what you’ve told me of Zoe Knight, I’m not sure I want to meet your costars ever.”
“Yeah, right.” She snorted. “Tell me you don’t want to meet Liam Holloway.”
“I don’t know a thing about Liam Holloway,” I countered.
“You’ve seen a picture. What else do you need to know?”
“Um, maybe that he’s not a self-centered walking six-pack?”
“Ouch, harsh much?” Van stepped out of the dressing room. “What do you think?”
“Tough but hot,” I responded, nodding with approval at her selection. “And I’m not being harsh. The guy gets work because he has a ridiculously good body and eyes bluer than anything found in nature. He’s asking to be pre-judged.”
“Come on, A. How would you like it if someone talked about me like that?”
“No one would,” I responded instantly. “You’ve proven you have talent in a variety of roles. Liam’s work mainly consists of Abercrombie ads and that embarrassingly bad movie you made me watch on your fifteenth birthday.”
“The movie was bad, but he was good,” said Van, examining herself in the mirror from all angles. “Anyway, it’ll be nice to spend some time with everyone outside of work. I just have to make sure I actually find time to learn my lines before we film.”
“Nate could help you practice,” I offered, inexplicably feeling the need to make one last-ditch effort.
“But that’s what I need you for,” Vanessa said cheerfully, slipping a chunky brass crucifix on over the strapless leather sheath. “You know you’re the only one who can make me focus.”
I shook my head at the crucifix and watched her try on a long strand of misshapen pearls instead. “My dad’s supposed to come home on Friday and he’ll be pretty out of it, so I need to help my mom get him settled back in, but I can come over on Sunday.”
“I have a better idea,” said Vanessa, slipping on a pair of lace open-toe booties and checking out the whole look. “How about I come over on Saturday, and that way I can visit your dad and you can help me out?”
“I should warn you—if you come over, Lucy’s gonna be all over you. She was practically foaming at the mouth when I told her you got the part.”
Van laughed. “That’s just fine with me. You know Lucy’s like the little sister I never had.”
“Or wanted,” I pointed out with a smile. Van had never made a secret of the fact that she was glad to be an only child. Hard to blame her, since she barely got any attention from her parents as it was.
“Regardless, it’ll be excellent practice for handling the tween mobs that are sure to be all over me once Daylight airs.”
“Ah, we’re just calling it Daylight now?”
“It’s my show; I can be on a first-name basis with it.”
“Fair enough. So, Saturday?”
“Saturday,” she confirmed. “And I am totally getting this outfit.”
I watched as she practically danced up to the counter to pay for it all, dropping her plastic like it was nothing. Not that I was jealous. Like I’d told my dad, jealousy didn’t factor into our friendship; it never had. And I wouldn’t let it start now.
She was still my best friend. She was still coming over and hanging out with my family. And just because she didn’t want to date Nate didn’t mean she was getting too big to hang out with “the little people” in her life.
I knew all this, and yet, as I followed her out of the store, a thousand bucks’ worth of new stuff in the shopping bag swinging from her fingertips, I’d never been more aware of our differences.
3
“I’M GOING TO MAKE YOU SORRY YOU were ever born.”
“Aaaand cut!” I dropped Van’s pages—sides, whatever—on my bed and stretched out my legs. We’d been reading the scene where she first meets Zoe’s character, Grace, for what must’ve been hours, and I’d listened to her read the lines as sweet, angry, sarcastic, fearful, and everything in between. “We have definitely earned a snack break.”
We scrambled off the bed and headed downstairs to the kitchen, but I paused on the stairs when I heard my dad’s voice float out of the dining room.
“Hey, he’s up,” said Vanessa. “Let’s go say hi.”
We slowed our pace, not wanting to make too much noise in case he had a residual headache from a week’s worth of poison being pumped into his body, but when his actual words became clear, I froze.
“How do you want me to do that, Pam?” he demanded of my mother, his voice rising. “‘Sorry, Al—I know you busted your butt to get accepted early to Columbia, but when we inevitably hit my insurance cap, we’re gonna have to use up your entire college fund on my medical bills’?”
I don’t know what happened first—the dizziness, the feeling of my stomach bottoming out, or the rush of heat through my body—but suddenly I felt on the verge of both collapse and throwing up. I didn’t even remember that Van was right behind me until she reached out and took my hand.
“Don’t,” I whispered fiercely, pulling back. I instantly felt bad for snapping, but I needed a minute to process what I’d just overheard and having Vanessa react simultaneously made it hard to focus.
Van simply nodded and trudged back upstairs. Meanwhile, I had no idea how to fix this. All I knew was that inside that room, my dad felt like shit for trying to save his own life, just because I had a stupid dream of going to a stupid college. Fresh off my acting practice with Van, I took a deep breath, wiped the tears that had been pricking at my eyes, and plastered a smile on my face.
“Would it help if you just did?” I asked, trying to adopt a joking tone and hoping that the shaking I heard in my voice was only in my own head.
Dad jumped up, and I could tell from his immediate recoil that he was still dizzy. “Oh, no, Ally—”
“Dad, please.” I walked over to give him a hug and gently push him back into his chair. “It’s okay. Really. There’s still plenty of time for me to apply elsewhere regular decision, and I’ve been thinking that it makes more sense for me to go somewhere local anyway.”
I don’t know how the lies flowed out of my mouth that easily, but as soon as they did, I realized that maybe they weren’t really lies…or at least, they shouldn’t have been. Well, okay, tha
t bit about having time to apply regular decision was—that ship had sailed weeks ago—but with my dad’s prognosis being six months and it now being February of my senior year, had I really failed to consider that I’d be going to college across the country just as my mother became a single parent to Lucy? How selfish was I that I’d never even considered giving up my Columbia dream until just this moment?
“Ally,” my mom said delicately, “this isn’t a decision to be made lightly. I’m sorry you overheard that, but we’re really just figuring things out right now.”
“I know, Mom.” I shifted from one foot to the other, trying to keep my composure. My mother—both my parents, really—just looked so…exhausted, both physically and mentally. I had a hard time even making real eye contact with my mother these days. Every time I looked at her, I saw a new layer of sadness and concern etched on her face, as if she’d just figured out yet another way her life was going to change for the horrible once the cancer took its course. Lord knew I’d seen it on my own face enough times. “I just don’t want to be an added source of stress. Whatever happens, I’ll be fine.”
My mom opened her mouth to say something, but then she closed it again. “Of course you will, sweetheart,” she said instead of whatever she’d originally wanted to. She stood up, kissed me on the forehead, and let herself out of the room, mumbling something about needing to help Lucy with her homework.
My dad gestured for me to take her seat. “Alexandra Mabel Duncan, listen to me,” he ordered, his voice taking on a determination I hadn’t heard since he’d informed us he was going to pursue aggressive treatment despite the low survival odds. “You are going to Columbia. It’s going to be a little trickier to make it happen now, but I will do everything in my power to make sure that we get you there.”
I opened my mouth to tell him again that it wasn’t necessary, but the words got stuck on their way out. Everything from my throat to my skin to my eyeballs felt prickly, and I could barely breathe, let alone speak. Because all I could think was that, even if he succeeded, he wouldn’t be around to see the fruits of his labor.
