by Moore, Mary
So he remained by her side and prayed to a God he knew only from a distance. He asked for the chance to make all of this up to her, knowing he did not deserve it. He would convince her to marry him, and they would have a partnership that even Lord and Lady Hampton would envy. Please, God! he prayed.
It was the worst time of his life and yet the most enlightening. As he thought about all that had come before, he realized it was what had brought him to this moment! Had he met Nicole as a younger man, before his marriage, would he have been interested in her intelligence and humor? Of course not! He would have appreciated her beauty, made her his flirt for a while and then he would have moved on to his next conquest.
Could that be the secret? Was everything that happened in life actually controlled by this all-powerful God? Did each episode in life give you the opportunity, the choice, to make you the person you will become? He did not know. He could have chosen not to marry Vivian, but then he would never have been brought to this exact moment. Apparently the choices he made did play a major part. He should have been gaining wisdom from each of his experiences, but he chose to respond with a hardened heart and the attitude that life owed him much. Then Nicole entered his life. Only now did he see that she had responded to the hardships in her life with unselfishness and a loving heart.
He sat holding her hand in the dark, and the words poured forth from his own heart asking forgiveness and promising different responses from now on. He would do it whether Nicole accepted him or not. But was it too little, too late for God to consider his prayers for Nicole? No! He would spend his life learning from her, if God, the one he now recognized as being the true God, gave him the chance.
But Devlin was not the only one who was loath to leave Nicole alone. Lady Beaumont was constantly present, and Devlin could not hear enough about Nicole’s childhood. They vowed they would include her in their conversations whether Nicole acknowledged them or not.
In addition, Toby came to the sickroom like clockwork and usually carried Lady Augusta with him. Thus they joined in a vigilant effort at willing consciousness back into Nicole.
One day when they were all gathered together, Toby spoke his mind. “My lord, me and the doctor was talking a while ago and ’e said ’e saw a case once where a lady like Miss Nicky finally come out of ’er stupor by ’earing familiar voices and ’aving familiar things about her. ’E says we’re still doing all the right things now, you know, reading to ’er and all, but I was thinking maybe I could ride and get Miss Chelsea. Surely Lady Nick would recognize that bundle of mischief.”
Lady Beaumont was the first to respond. “Toby, that sounds like such a good idea, but I do not know what to do.” Her expression went from joy to nagging fear in the blink of an eye. “What do you think, Lord Devlin? Might it be too much activity for her? And there are already so many of us imposing on you and Lady Augusta. Oh, I wish I knew what to do,” she cried, as bottled-up emotions flowed freely. “I cannot bear the thought of losing her again.”
“Now, none of this talk of losing anybody, Beatrice,” Lady Augusta chided. “I think Toby’s idea to get Nicole’s sister is a sound one, and would at least allow us to do something for Nicole besides boring her to tears.” Devlin appreciated her practicality and gruffness; it became a balm to the flammable situation. “But you are a better judge, dear. Would seeing Lady Nicole in such a state be harmful to her sister? From what Jared has mentioned, your youngest daughter sounds a resilient child, but you know best.”
Lady Beaumont was not the least hesitant in her response. “No, Lady Augusta, Chelsea would not be overwhelmed. She will be sad and a little scared, I think, but she was quite the impetus behind Nicole’s first recovery.”
After five days, neither of the physicians remained hopeful as to Nicole’s recovery. She was not getting enough nourishment, and there had been no reaction to the presence of Chelsea.
Chelsea had been horrified when she’d heard about the accident, and had cried quietly for hours after her first visit with Nicole. She then began a brave assault on Nicky’s mind. She took over Lord Devlin’s role of communicator when he had to leave her.
Lady Beaumont and Lady Augusta tried to keep their spirits up, especially when Chelsea was about. The pall that settled over the house, however, made it seem as if death had already claimed Nicole.
Late one night, Devlin awoke with a start. His head had fallen forward in sleep, and his stiff muscles screamed to move about. The candle in Nicole’s room had long gone out, leaving only the light of a very dim moon. But it was still high in the sky, and looking out the window he suspected it was only a little after midnight.
He went over to the fluttering curtain billowing into the room, deciding to close the window against any chill Nicole might feel. He stayed there awhile, fear overwhelming him. Lowering himself to the window seat he put his head in his hands, the welling tears a contrast to his physical strength.
He spoke softly, but aloud. “God, I do not know how to pray yet. I do not know how to put it into words that arouse Your compassion and induce You to respond. I do not even know if that is how it works.” He stilled and remembered the vicar, only this morning, talking to God as a friend, no prosy sermons, only feelings from his heart. That he could do.
“God, I know I cannot offer my life in exchange for hers, at least not physically. But I offer my life to You for whatever purposes You have for me. I think Nicole would laugh at me, trying to make a deal with You.” He felt useless and inadequate. Could God possibly be listening to this? He determined to trust that He was.
“I no longer ask that You return Nicole for myself. I do not deserve her. But, God, I ask now on her behalf. She has been through so much, and yet she enriches everyone she comes into contact with, even amidst the trials. She is much more valuable to You here, God. Please allow her to flourish again. And if that means—” tears rolled freely down his face “—life without her, so be it. Please just bring her back to us.” He mumbled a quick “Amen,” then sat listening to the silence.
The opalescence of the moon shining through the window naturally turned his thoughts to another night when he had gone to get fresh air on a secluded balcony and had been enchanted by the woman who lay so still behind him now.
How sorely he wanted to be on the terrace with her again. He imagined them teasing and flirting in the way he had come to need from her. He wanted to be married to her and to sit in the moonlight with their eyes closed, identifying smells around them. He wanted to be kissing her; he could not let go of the dream.
The decision came as quickly as a flash of lightning during a summer thunderstorm. It was a sudden revelation disrupting his longings. He would take her out to his grandmother’s terrace this night and enjoy his musings, holding her, talking to her. No one would know, and he thought God would forgive him this selfish act.
He went to the bed and lifted her, the coverlet still around her. Her head seemed to naturally rest on his shoulder, and he tucked the blankets about her sides and legs for warmth. He carried her down the main staircase back to his grandmother’s sewing room. He went directly through it to the terrace that overlooked his grandmother’s favorite view.
He slowly lowered himself into one of the many chairs his grandmother had randomly placed to enjoy her beautifully manicured lawns. But he had no interest in the landscape; he turned the chair so they would be facing the moon. He settled her in his lap and made sure she was covered completely, then sighed as he rested his cheek on the top of her head.
He talked to her as he had on that night weeks ago when they’d first met. He teased her about letting him “blow a cloud,” and knew if they were married she would tell him what a nasty habit it was. He reminded her of their misunderstanding that night, that he had assumed she had followed him out onto the terrace to trap him into marriage! His eyes welled with tears as he recalled the anger that had flashed in her eyes for just a moment. They were eyes that he wanted to look into and read the feelings there. He wanted to
“show” her what she could not see.
He could pretend no longer. He shut his eyes in quiet agony. Theirs was a once-in-a-lifetime relationship. When she awoke, he would not doubt God’s love for her, he would try to woo her back and prove he could be worthy of her love. He buried his face in her hair and continued to hold her in the moonlight.
“Mmm, that feels good,” was the whisper he conjured in his head.
Now he was not only remembering their time together, he was imagining the responses he anticipated from her. He must get her back inside before he lost his mind altogether.
As he tightened his grip, preparing to rise with her, she spoke, sending an overpowering shock through his very soul.
“Can we please stay out here a little longer? The air feels so fresh, and it is so warm inside. Please let me stay.”
Devlin was afraid for the second time in his life. He was afraid to move. He was afraid to breathe. Nicole was definitely speaking to him, but he did not know if her words were lucid or demented. Had the blow caused damage they had not even considered?
“Nicole,” he said softly, trying to hold her still as she struggled to submerge further into his embrace. Fighting to keep excitement and relief out of his voice, he said, “Are you sure you are warm enough?”
Nicole stiffened a little as he waited for her response.
“Jared?”
“Yes, sweetheart, I am here. You have had an accident, and we have been very worried about you.”
“I know. It was a fire.” She shook her head, trying to remove a week of cobwebs brought on by her concussion. “But I did not know you then, did I?”
He felt the sound of panic in her voice. He sensed her trying to understand the confusion, and he wanted to keep her calm.
“No, my sweet, shh,” he said, keeping his head firmly resting on hers. “Not the fire. I think I better get you inside and we can talk about it.” What was going on? Was he delusional? Would she come out of a coma in one quick second? He must get her inside and wake Dr. Morrison.
“Can we talk here? I have been dreaming, I think. We shared another evening like this, did we not? Yes, it was at a ball…oh dear, I cannot recall where…and you did not know I was blind and we talked ever so comfortably. I should not tell you, but it was the most special night of my life.”
Devlin’s mind was racing. Obviously hers was, too, and the fear of her senses being damaged quickly faded. Was this the familiar thing the doctors had said might affect her? Of course not! It was an answer to his prayer, pure and simple! God had given him a miracle!
“Nicole, we can stay out here a little longer, but you must remember that you have been sick. You cannot catch cold.” Repositioning her slightly, he continued, “And you must not talk overmuch. In fact, you will listen to me very carefully. I command it.”
She giggled, and he was encouraged. But it did not last long. He grew indecisive. He was not a doctor. He did not know if he should clear up her confusion, but could think of nothing else to do. He spoke against her hair again. “Do you remember the day at the bridge, Nicole? The day Toby had to rescue us?”
Again he felt her stiffen as she tried to focus her thoughts. He could imagine her frustration at the fog that must surely be in evidence after a week of dreaming. “Jared, I think I remember.” She was agitated. “You were under the bridge and we had ropes tied about us, and there was lightning. Your hand was hurt. And Toby, is he safe?”
She must be back to normal if she was worrying about everyone else! But her concern made him uneasy.
“Shh, love, everything is fine. Do not try to speak yet. Just relax, lean against me and listen.” He began speaking in a very soft, calm voice and explained the past week to her. She was shocked to hear she had been unconscious so long, and upset that she had caused so much trouble. He explained how Dr. Morrison had urged them to let her hear their voices, and how Dr. Bishop had wanted them to get many familiar items around her to jog her memory. Devlin told her Chelsea had been with her for the past few days.
Nicole interrupted his explanation in a slow, deep voice. “But Jared, it was this, was it not? You brought me to the terrace, that was the most familiar to both of us. How did you know?”
“I did not know, love. I, too, was longing for that very special night we met, and I desperately wished for you to be well. I wanted to share that experience with you again. I could not face coming out here alone, so I brought you with me.” He swallowed hard, fighting back all of the emotions he was feeling. “And I prayed, Nicole.” He tried to hold back the tears by teasing her. “I doubt God has ever heard a more pitiable prayer. Indeed, it would likely not even qualify as such,” he choked up again, “but He heard them, all of our prayers. He gave us this miracle, sweetheart.”
Devlin could feel the silent crying against his chest. It broke the dam he had been holding back, and tears streamed down his own face. “I am sorry, Nicole. I must get you inside. You probably feel terrible, and here I ramble on.” He felt her shake her head vehemently.
“No, Jared. You cannot know how much all you have said means to me.” She sighed and took a deep breath. “Sometimes, in my dreams, I pictured us together like this. We were sharing our prayers as well as our time.” She tensed a little. “I do not know if you have forgiven me, but I have missed you dreadfully, my friend.” She was a little confused, but she knew what was in her heart.
It made his heart break into a million pieces. She had missed his friendship, but only his friendship. But that was all he had ever offered her: friendship. She did not know the depth of love he had come to feel for her. But he had not stipulated terms when he had prayed for her, so he would be thankful, though it would kill him to pretend happiness. How could he be with her and not hold her?
“Nicole, I need to get you out of this night air, but there are so many things I need to say. I owe you so many apologies…” She tried to interrupt him, tried again to lift her head, but her head hit his chin. They both mumbled “ouch” at the same time.
“No, you had your say at my house that night. It was the night I should have been apologizing to you. But now it is my turn. I treated you abominably, and I cannot think of it without abhorrence. I accused you of the most awful things, but I was so hurt that you felt you could not tell me about your…eyes.
“So many times after you left Town, I thought about how happily I would have been your ‘Toby’ when we were out. Then I knew the truth. I wanted more than your friendship. And because I thought you did not trust me enough to tell me about your sight, I made it easy on myself and walked away.”
Devlin could hear her quiet sobs, and he pulled her closer. But that did not stop them.
“But sweetheart, it was not easy. I could no longer contemplate a life without you. My grandmother had once offered to help me smooth our differences. When I thought you never wished to see me again and when I realized I could never fix things on my own, I decided to take her up on her offer.” He paused and became a little less frenzied. “I knew that you and she would love each other,” he added with a quiet pleasure.
He became agitated again the next instant. “When I walked into the breakfast parlor, I was unprepared to see you. I foolishly scared you out into the storm, and it almost killed you. Please forgive me for everything, Nicole, and give me a chance to prove my love to you.”
Devlin finally moved his head so she could raise her eyes to his. He had to see what effect his words had on her. He wanted to somehow find a way to communicate the emotions he was feeling for her, without sight. He decided if he could win her heart, it might prove to be the most pleasurable experience in the world. To learn to kiss her with just the right sentiment, he wanted her to understand, would bring him endless joy. Indeed, he hoped it would take the rest of their lifetimes to get it just right!
He carefully lifted her face to his with his finger under her chin. Her eyes were wide and vivid, so different from her usual downcast pose.
He was amazed at the love he saw the
re. Tears welled in them. No wonder she had preferred downcast eyes; they clearly revealed her innermost soul. He leaned down ever so slightly to whisper against her lips, “Nicole, please marry me. Pray teach me the love and courage you show so naturally. I promise I will love you with all my being.” He sat up straighter, nervous now at her prolonged silence. He did not wish to break the mood, but his insecurity made him tease her. “I promise we shall find something else for Toby to do.”
Still he waited for her response. By now, any response would do. Slowly he watched a lone tear trickle from the corner of her eye.
He pulled away slightly, and she lowered her face. “Nicole?” he asked.
“Jared, I… You…” Her tears flowed freely now.
“What it is, love? No more secrets, you may tell me anything.”
She was trying to master her emotions. “Jared, I cannot marry you.”
He went rigid with fear at what she would next say.
“You will never know how much it means to me that you asked, especially after the way I treated you. But you know I will never marry. You have known that from the beginning. I will always be thankful that we were reunited through this. I will always be thankful you have found faith in something other than yourself. And I will always accept whatever form of friendship you are willing to offer me. Jared, you must know how much I…care about you, but we cannot marry.”
He felt like the wind had been knocked out of him.
“I fear I am a little tired now, Jared. Can you take me back inside?” For the first time since her accident her senses failed her. She could detect none of his emotions.
“No.”
“No? Jared, it has become a little chilly, I…”
“No,” he said again while pulling her tightly against him. “Nicole, please do not consign us both to mere friendship. Please, Nicole. Having never known love, real love, I made a stupid vow that cost me nothing. I had already experienced a marriage, you see, and I vowed I would not do so again. I…”
