But when another painter came to examine the situation, he told my dad that painting alone wouldn’t be sufficient to solve the problem. The reason the cracks were showing up, he explained, was because the foundation underneath our house was shifting. And no matter how much paint we splashed up there to cover them, they would keep coming back. The cracks were merely symptoms of a more serious condition.
The only way to rectify this problem was to address the foundation.
All of this talk about being a blessing to others by disciplining ourselves to listen and by preparing thoughtful, careful responses has gotten me thinking about how difficult a resolution this will be for many of us. I could probably venture to say . . . most of us.
Or even more accurately . . . me.
Controlling my own tongue is a quest I’m sure will require all the maturity every year of my life will bring. That’s because so far along this journey, I’ve already discovered that the “cracks” I make with my mouth are actually symptoms of a much deeper, much more intimate issue, something much more difficult to address. It’s down below the surface. Closer to the ground than my mouth is.
For out of the abundance (overflow) of the heart his mouth speaks. (Luke 6:45 AMP)
Turns out, my mouth is only a barometer that divulges whether I’m immersed in humility and surrendered in obedience to the Lord, or I’m housing a malnourished spirit that stubbornly refuses to yield to the wisdom of God’s own Word.
It’s a foundational issue.
So taking inventory of your tongue’s track record is an instructive way to uncover what’s hidden within. Let’s try it.
• Symptom: Are you always quick to offer an opinion, inserting your assessments into conversations at every conceivable opportunity? Diagnosis: This could reveal a haughty tinge in your heart, which causes you to feel the need to impress and be at the center of attention.
• Symptom: Are you constantly critical and demeaning in your spoken sentiments? Diagnosis: These are often code words for insecurity and a lack of certainty in your inherent value, as well as a heart infested with anger and judgmental attitudes.
• Symptom: Do you frequently find yourself quarreling with your spouse or being divisive among others? Diagnosis: You’re lacking a spirit of peace and unity deep inside, a true desire for your relationships to be strengthened and reflect the grace of Christ.
• Symptom: Does gossip continue to come easily for you, so that even the steeliest self-restraint is unable to stop you? Diagnosis: You find others’ problems and difficulties entertaining and don’t think of them as people needing your support, prayer, and companionship.
• Symptom: Do your words often reveal a doubtful, skeptical outlook? Diagnosis: You’re low in the faith and belief department, not operating from a deep trust in God’s ability and His wise handling of the details and timing of your life.
The words of our lips are like cracks in the wall, revealing what’s going on at the foundation. For truly, “out of the abundance (overflow) of the heart his mouth speaks.”
Jesus’ use of the word heart in this verse signifies the inner being of an individual, the place where our thoughts, attitudes, and beliefs are cemented. The heart is a reservoir, a holding tank for every attitude and belief we’ve either placed there or allowed to hang out there. It is a storehouse containing the essence of who we are and—because of its direct link to our ongoing habits and actions—the picture of who we’re becoming.
And just as surging floodwaters will burst through a dam, just as sizzling popcorn kernels will erupt on the cooking stove, the contents of our hearts will inevitably push and press against the sides, unable to stay contained, needing more room to expand, and eventually spilling out in our words and conversation. Can’t help it. No stopping it.
When I’m in the car with my boys, for example, they immediately spot every single McDonalds we pass, and they always make a point of letting me know they see it. Even when those golden arches are quite a distance away, my kids seem to have some sort of radar that clues them in to an approaching fast-food opportunity. Why? Because that’s what they love.
And what goes for hamburgers and french fries goes for anything else we set our hearts on. Those hidden loves, desires, and tendencies blow their cover in our conversations.
The Bible refers to these occupants of our hearts as “treasure.”
The good man out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth what is good; and the evil man out of the evil treasure brings forth what is evil. (Luke 6:45 NASB)
This word for “treasure” in the original language is the same one used to describe what was inside the chest the wise men in Matthew 2 carried. The reason they were able to pull such fine gifts from it to present to Jesus was because those were the treasures they had placed there. Likewise, the kinds of treasure—whether good or bad—that flow from our hearts into our conversation, our reactions, our initiatives, and our expressions will determine whether we come bearing harm or blessing.
So I ask you . . .
What are you putting inside?
What treasures are you storing?
If you don’t know, just listen to yourself, because your words and tone and topics of conversation will tell you. This is why it’s so imperative that you heed this remarkable piece of biblical advice:
Watch over your heart with all diligence, for from it flow the springs of life. (Proverbs 4:23 NASB)
You must be the guardian of your own heart, ensuring that you do not allow it to become polluted by anything that will hinder your mission of being conformed into the likeness of Christ. The more you soak in His Word and His truth, the more you can expect to have a deep reservoir filled with all the treasures needed to temper your conversations with wisdom, kindness, and humility.
So guard your heart, and do not allow it to become hardened (Proverbs 28:14), deceptive (Psalm 12:2), prideful (Proverbs 21:4), or unclean (Psalm 51:10). Seek rather to have a heart that is always sensitive to the prodding of God’s Spirit (Romans 8:5), single-mindedly devoted to Him (Psalm 86:11), drenched in humility (Proverbs 22:4), and pure before God (Matthew 5:8). “Do nothing out of rivalry or conceit, but in humility consider others as more important than yourselves. Everyone should look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others” (Philippians 2:3–4).
A woman whose heart is full of gratitude and humility, who is certain of God’s love for her, and who genuinely prizes the worth of those around her will release a steady stream of graciousness that will refresh others through her conversation. Others will desire the joy of her company because they know she seeks their welfare and esteems them more highly than herself. She will invite the opportunity to listen to others, then will humbly offer the wisdom that is rooted in her treasure box, filled with a wealth of good things.
So before you prayerfully consider and sign the next resolution, please understand that it’s not just about watching your mouth but watching your heart. Any lasting change you make in controlling your speech will have to start at the base, the foundation, down where the cracks are really formed.
Down where breakthroughs can really happen.
• As you prepare to make this resolution, picture the people in your life who most need to receive this gift from you, as well as the obstacles that often keep you from being able to give it. Before rushing ahead and signing your name, consider what changes you’ll need to make to become a person who is “quick to listen and slow to speak.” Do you need to turn off some technological devices, for example, so people feel prioritized and important? Be willing to make some of these practical and necessary adjustments so this resolution doesn’t just “sit on the shelf” of your life and not become a reality. Then, when you’re ready, prayerfully read the statement below and sign your name.
MY BLESSING
I will be a woman who is quick to listen and slow to speak. I will care about the concerns of others and esteem them more highly than myself.
______
____
MY FORGIVENESS
A resolution to release others from the prison of my hurt and anger
Internal Injuries
No sooner had I curled up on the sofa to watch one of my favorite hospital/medical TV dramas than the action immediately captured my attention. A devastating crash brought dozens of wounded to the emergency room, overwhelming the staff with the sheer number of those needing attention. Among the flurry of new patients were two women—best friends—who had both been involved in the accident and whose story line was setting up to be featured in the show.
Actually, one of the women appeared to be fine. But the other, strapped to a gurney, was obviously in grave danger. The attendants rushed to her aid, whisking her into triage, while several nurses offered the less injured woman a quick check of her vitals, just to be sure she was OK. Far more concerned about the health of her closest friend, she declined.
As the program continued, chronicling the various stories and traumas surrounding this event, the camera kept circling back to this frantically worried woman. She prayed by her friend’s bedside. She hailed the doctors’ and nurses’ attention, requesting pain medication and assistance for her ailing companion. She made cell phone calls to family members. She kept up a one-sided conversation with her semiconscious friend in an unselfish attempt to keep her company. Finally, when the stricken woman’s condition appeared to be stabilizing, her relieved friend relaxed a bit and began to entertain the medical staff with her effervescent, engaging personality and wit. Everything seemed to be turning out all right. Not only was her friend going to be fine; so was she.
Then all of a sudden, with absolutely no warning, she collapsed.
Just like that.
I sat forward in my seat, stunned, just like the fictional hospital staff. Highly trained individuals, who seconds before had been laughing at her jokes while caring for her injured friend, now gathered around this woman, quickly administering the help she so desperately needed.
But nothing they could do was of any value.
Within sixty seconds she was dead.
Gone.
A mandatory X-ray report revealed that she had apparently suffered internal wounds and bleeding in the accident. And throughout the day—though neither she nor any of the hospital staff had been aware of it—her life had been slowly ebbing away. For hours on end, she had been within an arm’s length of treatment and healing procedures, while secretly dying on the inside. Without realizing the extent of her own injuries, she had cared for another, not knowing she was fighting for her own life as well.
This graphically illustrates the internal trauma of unforgiveness. How easily it goes undetected, buried beneath the disguises of external smiles and laughter. We pour ourselves into activity and busyness to avoid having to think about it, medicating ourselves on others’ needs instead of tending to the surgery we need ourselves. We continually operate at surface level, masters at managing the externals, even though the churn of sickness and unrest is always at work underneath, wreaking havoc and decay to our very souls.
“Examine yourselves,” the apostle Paul declared—not just once but twice in the span of two books of the Bible (1 Corinthians 11:28; 2 Corinthians 13:5). Rather than always spending your time trying to fix others, look deeply and consider what could be festering inside your own heart—what the Bible calls a “root of bitterness” (Hebrews 12:15), growing in the soil of your heart and sprouting buds of resentment that affect every aspect of your life.
We’re embarking in the following pages on a journey into forgiveness. Maybe this is not an area of concern for you right now, so you’re tempted to skip to the next section. But I encourage you to hang in there with me because this resolution will most likely be beneficial to your life at some point in the future. However, if this theme settles squarely on a specific pain in your heart, then prepare yourself for what could be one of the most difficult yet worthwhile ventures of your whole life.
Obviously the span of a few thousand words is hardly adequate even to approach the subject, much less wrap our full arms around it. But for a few moments at least, let’s take a look inward, you and me. Instead of working so hard to keep the focus and spotlight on everyone else—both those who’ve hurt us as well as those who make us feel better and forget about it all—let’s be willing to drag out these grudges we’re holding and harboring, these heavy containers of unforgiveness that never stop leaching poisons into our system.
Let’s “examine” ourselves. Because if we do, we could be on our way to healing.
We could live.
Really live.
• If you don’t feel like forgiveness is something you have an issue with, list some practical ways you can continue to see to it “that no root of bitterness springs up, causing trouble” (Hebrews 12:15).
• Are you more prone to care for others than to examine and tend to your own spiritual needs? If so, how does this manifest itself in your life?
• Prayerfully consider: Who, if anyone, are the people you harbor unforgiveness toward? How have you seen this affect your life?
• Grab your Bible and choose one passage to read and study on forgiveness:
Mark 11:25–26—making reconciled relationships a regular part of our praying
Matthew 6:14–15—how our forgiveness of others relates to God’s forgiveness of us
Hebrews 12:14—the blessing that flows from pursuing peace with everyone
• On bitterness:
Ephesians 4:31—the only good thing to do with it is to get rid of it
Hebrews 12:15—what bitterness can do if it’s not pulled up by the roots
Proverbs 14:10—all we can ever expect from hanging on to it
All Clear
I enjoy looking at book covers. In fact, since the arrival of my children and the subsequent departure of most of my reading time, I now find enjoyment in just walking through the bookstore, scouring the shelves for artwork that captures my attention.
One in particular has become a memorable favorite of mine. It actually came in the mail one afternoon, sent from a friend who’d authored the book and wanted me to have one of the first copies. The moment I pulled it from the brown paper envelope, I was captivated.
The book is called Choosing Forgiveness, written by Nancy Leigh DeMoss. And my penchant for good covers really connected with her simple yet expressive design. Directly above the title is a portion of a computer keyboard—just a small grouping of common keys. You can make out the blurred images of commands on each one. Right in the middle, however, highlighted a bit more than the rest, is one particular key. Clear, bold, and vibrant. A very specific button.
The delete button.
Oh, I see. Not too hard to make the parallel. “Choosing forgiveness” is a lot like pressing the delete key on our computers, backspacing over the accidents and unacceptable actions that have been written on the pages of our lives. Forgiveness means making the decision to move forward and create our next chapters without having to incorporate the spoiled residue of the last ones. Pressing the delete key is a choice—a conclusive, one-time decision followed by an ongoing series of smaller yet equally important daily decisions to continue deleting, releasing the desire to hang on to what was done.
Even right this moment, as I sit here writing to you with my laptop centered on my legs, my fingers tapping the raised keys in front of me, how grateful I am for this little delete button just a short stretch away from my right pinky. If I happen to make a mistake (which is all too often the case) but I ignore the need to delete it, the remainder of that paragraph will be tied to the slipup. The entirety of my work will be marred by the glaring error I’ve left in place. By not completing the deliberate task of clearing it from the screen, I won’t really be able to express what I’d meant my words to say. Not deleting it allows an incorrect occurrence to keep hanging around and causing trouble.
So I urge you to just pocket this little analogy.
The delete key.
And you know it’s the right thing to do, even if it’s the last thing you feel like doing.
But as hard as it can be to erase the harm that someone else has incorrectly typed into your life, some of the most difficult deleting you’ll ever be called on to make is clearing the record of wrongs you’ve inflicted on yourself. Even if you can legitimately forgive others, you can’t always seem to forgive yourself.
I was recently with a group of college-age women at a conference hosted by The Impact Movement, a ministry designed to reach out to African-American students on university campuses. During a girls-only session, I opened up the floor for questions and told the young women to feel free to ask anything they’d like. A shy young woman, her head hung down in personal disgust, stood from her seat and asked a question as simple as it was powerful: “How do you forgive yourself?”
All the other girls in the room turned their gaze from her to me, leaning in and listening intently, totally relating to where her question was coming from, and dying for someone to give them an answer.
Are you dying for somebody to give you one?
Maybe you chose an abortion years ago. Maybe you caused an accident. Maybe you stirred up some unintentional chaos. Maybe you missed an opportunity that has cost you more money, heartache, and regret than you even want to think about. Maybe you’ve done any number of things that have made living harmoniously with certain others a nearly impossible task. You’re reminded of it all the time. And you can’t seem to forgive yourself, just as this girl couldn’t. Her past mistakes were almost visibly swathed around her shoulders, bearing down with the force of dead weight only a past mistake can pack.
The Resolution for Women Page 11
