Me: ‘It wasn’t me it wasn’t me it wasn’t me!’ (I just said it inside my head.)
I was going to crash into the railings. I put my coat down. The sun came smashing into my eyes. I was outside. I turned around.
Mr Frimpong was on the floor. His legs were bent in a funny shape. I’d never seen him in that shape before, he looked like a bug dying in the sun. It felt too crazy. His shopping was everywhere, his malt was all smashed. Dizzy was kicking his bread all over. His bread was all squashed. He jumped on it.
Killa kicked his eggs and they all went flying. I could see Mr Frimpong’s face, he was all red-eyes and scared. I pretended like I knew what he was thinking: he was thinking where’s God when you need him. I was thinking it as well. He was trying to slap the boys away but his arms wouldn’t reach. He was trying to get up but his legs wouldn’t work. It was too hutious. Then X-Fire came. He had his scarf over his face. He searched Mr Frimpong’s pockets and got his wallet. It felt like the craziest thing you’ve ever seen. He didn’t even ask.
X-Fire: ‘Give it up you old bastard or I’ll stick you.’
I wanted to shit. I turned around and ran as fast as I could. I didn’t look back anymore. I just had to get away.
It was my last chance. If you fail two missions you’ll never get in. All you had to do was stay until the end. You just never knew the end would be so
X-Fire: ‘Where the f— you going!?’
I pretended I was deaf. I just ran. I ran past the playground and the green and all the houses and I didn’t stop until the tunnel. All my breath was gone. My belly felt like knives. I looked for my alligator tooth, it was still there in my pocket. I don’t know why the blood never came.
I wish I was bigger.
It was those magpies again, they got in my way. Stupid creatures, they think I’m one of them, that I don’t have anything better to do than squabble over scraps. I just wanted to get your attention, Harri, get you out of another mess. I’m trying to help you while I still can, I’m trying my best but there’s only so much I can do from here. It’s down to you, you have to keep your eyes open, watch for the cracks in the pavement. We gave you the map, it’s inside you. The lines all point to the same place in the end, all you have to do is follow them. Home will always find you if you walk true and taller than those weeds. You can be a tree, you can be as big as you want to be.
Some mammas kill their baby before it’s even born. They changed their mind and they don’t want it anymore. Maybe they found out the baby was going to be bad when it grows up. It’s easier to just stop it before the bad things get done. They just flush it down the toilet like a fish. It happened to Daniel Bevan. His mamma had a baby she didn’t want anymore so she flushed it.
Me: ‘I hope they wake up when they get to the sea.’
Daniel Bevan: ‘No, they just stay dead. They just end up in the sewer and the rats eat them. I don’t want a sister anyway, they’re annoying.’
Daniel Bevan might die soon. He can’t even run at all. Do you know what’s an inhaler? It’s a little can of special air. Daniel Bevan has one, he needs it to breathe because he has asthma. He has to breathe the air from the can because the air outside is too dirty for him. That’s why he can’t run. If his special air ever ran out he’d die.
He let me try his inhaler. It felt very cold. It tasted funny. It was brutal. I wanted it to make my voice go like a robot but it didn’t work this time. If Daniel Bevan dies before me I can have his ruler. We even shook hands on it. It’s bo-styles, it’s even got its own calculator built in.
Daniel Bevan: ‘What if you die before me? What can I have that was yours?’
Me: ‘All my books. I’ve got loads. I’ve got one on reptiles and one on creatures of the deep, and one on medieval. There’s about twenty altogether.’
Daniel Bevan: ‘Alright then. Deal.’
He can’t go back on it now. If you shake hands you’re not allowed to break it.
The best time was when Papa let me drive the pickup. We were coming back from the bamboo farm. I sat on his legs and did the steering. Papa just did the gears and pedals.
Every time he changes the gear we pretend it’s the pickup doing a big fart.
Papa: ‘Excuse me?’
Me: ‘What did you have for breakfast?’
You still had to concentrate proper hard. It was very nervous. The steering wheel felt proper heavy. You just had to keep your eyes on the road in front of you.
Papa: ‘Take time. Just keep it straight. Don’t think about the other cars. I’ve got us. Just keep going straight.’
Every time I hit a bump in the road I got scared for if we were going to crash. I just kept proper quiet. I had to prove to Papa that I could steer good so next time he’d let me drive the whole way there and back. I only went wobbly one time. I nearly hit a grasscutter. Papa wanted me to go back and hit him but I couldn’t turn the wheel around fast enough.
Papa: ‘Next one you see, steer for his eyes. Then your mother can make some soup.’
Mamma doesn’t know I drove the pickup on the road. If she knew it she’d kill me. It’s only a secret for me and Papa. After that, every time we were in the pickup and we saw a grasscutter me and Papa laughed like crazy. Mamma and Lydia never even knew what we were laughing for. Asweh, it was the funniest thing you’ve ever seen.
I put my coat down the rubbish pipe. I waited until it was dark and snuck out proper quiet. I pretended like I was making a sacrifice. The coat was a virgin and I was giving her to the volcano god.
You have to dispose of the evidence or the police will trace you.
I threw my Mustang down as well. I didn’t even want it anymore. It was only fair, they smashed Mr Frimpong’s eggs. I was there, I saw the whole thing. The devil’s too strong around here. Where I used to live, the devil only tempted me one time, when he told me to steal all the ice blocks from the Victory Chop Bar so we could have a water fight. I only listened to him until Osei chased us, then we gave them all back. The devil is stronger here because the buildings are too high. There’s too many towers and they get in the way of the sky so God can’t see so far. Asweh, it’s very vexing!
I think the scars that go like
are better. From today onward going, I’ll make all my scars like that. The ones that go
aren’t even a scar yet. The stitches are still in. Connor Green explained it. It can’t be a scar until the stitches are taken out. If the stitches are still in it’s just a cut. It’s very clear. I don’t know why I didn’t think of it before.
Do you know what’s a superhero? They’re special people who protect you. They have magic powers. They use them to fight the bad men. They’re very great. They’re a bit like Ananse except they never trick you, they only use their powers for good things.
Some superheroes are from another planet. Some of them were made in a factory. Some of them were born normal but they had an accident that gave them their powers. It’s usually because of the radiation.
There’s about a hundred superheroes in the whole world. Altaf knows all of them. He draws their picture. They’re even better than his cars. Altaf can tell you all about any superhero. It’s his favourite subject. Spiderman is a superhero. That’s how he can stick like a spider.
Altaf: ‘It’s because he got bitten by a radioactive spider.’
Me: ‘Cool!’
Every superhero has a favourite power. Some of them can fly and some of them can run proper fast. Some of them are bulletproof or have rays. They all have names that tell you what’s their favourite power, like Spiderman because he can stick like a spider and Storm because she can make a storm and Wolverine because he fights like a wolverine (it’s a kind of wolf with extra long claws for slicing).
We were talking about our own superheroes. What if we could make our own. Altaf has already thought of one, he showed me the picture. It even looked like a real superhero.
Altaf: ‘He’s called Snake Man. He changes into a snake and spits poison at the enemy.
’
Me: ‘He’s bo-styles! Did you think of him yourself?’
Altaf: ‘It’s only the first drawing. I’m going to make his tongue better and give him a nemesis.’
Everybody calls Altaf gay because he’s so quiet and he has girl’s lips. He doesn’t paint them, they’re just very pink by accident. Sometimes they just call him Gay Lips. I pretended like his lips were his superpower, like if the enemy looks at them too long they go frozen into statues.
I can make a fart like a woodpecker. Asweh, it’s true. The first time it happened was an accident. I was just walking along and I did one fart, but then it turned into lots of little farts all chasing it. Even Mamma loved it, she couldn’t stop herself.
Mamma: ‘You must have a woodpecker in your pant!’
Asweh, that’s exactly what it sounded like! After that I tried to make every fart like a woodpecker. Sometimes it works better than other times. It’s not a superpower, just a skill.
X-Fire made the gun sign at me. He was on the cafeteria steps when I went past. He made a gun with his finger and pointed it right at my head. I didn’t know what to do. It felt very crazy. He looked like he was going to kill me and nobody could even stop him.
X-Fire: ‘Pop!’
He shot the gun. My belly went all cold and the woodpecker fart just fell out. It wasn’t as funny this time. I wanted somebody to come and jump in front of the bullet but then I remembered it wasn’t a real gun. It was still hutious though.
Dizzy: ‘Why’d you run out on us? We ain’t gonna forget that shit, man.’
X-Fire: ‘Keep your mouth shut, yeah Ghana? For serious.’
I wasn’t even going to say anything, I know the rules already. A finger gun means if you tell you die. It felt crazy to be enemies, it was just too big. I don’t even know how it happened. From today onward going I’m going to need eyes in the back of my head.
Terry Takeaway was kicking Asbo for donkey hours. He wouldn’t stop. It just felt crazy. Asbo found some meat in the bushes. It was a leg from something. Terry Takeaway kept kicking him and kicking him to let go but he wouldn’t let go. Asbo was crying but he wouldn’t stop. I wanted to do something. I wanted to kill Terry Takeaway but he was too big. I couldn’t do anything.
Then when we got closer it all started making sense. Terry Takeaway wasn’t kicking Asbo, it was Asbo who was biting Terry Takeaway! It was very funny. Asbo was trying to pull the meat from the bushes but he got Terry Takeaway’s foot instead. He wouldn’t let go. It probably had the smell of meat on it. He probably thought it was a piece of the cow.
Terry Takeaway: ‘Get off, get off! Asbo, leave it! Leave! Asbo!’
Terry Takeaway was wriggling and screaming but Asbo didn’t listen. You thought he’d bite his foot clean off.
Terry Takeaway: ‘Harri, help us out! Get a stick or something. Over there!’
Dean picked up a branch and wriggled it by Asbo’s face. He got it right near his mouth. It was quite hutious. Asbo’s teeth are like a shark. He got the branch so it was between Terry Takeaway’s foot and Asbo’s teeth, and then he had to let go. Terry Takeaway picked up the meat sharp-sharp and threw it back in the bushes. Asbo chased after it and Terry Takeaway got free. He was all red and sweating. He checked his feet to see if they were still on.
Terry Takeaway: ‘Cheers, geezer. He just saw it and went crazy. Silly dog.’
Asbo came out of the bushes with the meat in his mouth like his forever favourite prize. He was very happy, you could tell. He ran away before we could steal the meat from him. All you could think about was the dead man in the bushes. You hoped the meat wasn’t from him.
Me: ‘Have you ever killed anybody?’
Terry Takeaway: ‘Not lately. I hurt a few people’s feelings though. Why, what you getting at?’
Me: ‘Everybody around here wants to kill you. I don’t get it. Will the police catch him?’
Terry Takeaway: ‘Who?’
Dean: ‘The one who killed the dead boy.’
Terry Takeaway: ‘You’re joking, they couldn’t catch a cold.’
Me: ‘That’s what we thought. We’re going to catch him instead.’
Dean: ‘There’s a reward.’
Terry Takeaway: ‘Good luck with that.’
Dean: ‘They should get the sniffer dogs in, dogs can smell everything innit. Dogs can even smell fear.’
We were both thinking it, you could tell, only I was quicker. I said it first:
Me: ‘What if dogs could smell evil?’
Dean: ‘That’s what I was thinking.’
We did an experiment. Terry Takeaway helped us. He got Asbo on the lead so he wouldn’t run off, then he just lay down eating his meat. He was enjoying his meat so much that he didn’t notice what we were doing. I closed my eyes and filled my head up with killing thoughts, all blood and chooking and slicing and crushing and shooting and tearing and vampires. I pretended like I was the killer getting ready to go to work. I tried to squeeze all those bad feelings into a ball, as hard as it would go, then sharp-sharp I opened my eyes and threw the evil ball right at Asbo. I aimed for his nose. I did a little shout to make it stronger. It even worked, Asbo’s ears went up and he looked at me all scared for a minute. That meant the ball had hit him. Now he knew what evil smelled like. Then he went back to eating his meat.
Me: ‘Now if he ever smells a killer he’ll remember and he’ll make the same face.’
Terry Takeaway: ‘He makes that face when he farts as well though.’
Me: ‘But if he’s looking at a person when he does it you know it’s not farts, it’s evil. It means that person’s got killing thoughts. Then they’re a suspect. You can tie them up with Asbo’s lead until the police come.’
Terry Takeaway: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
We got a chance to test it straight away: X-Fire and Dizzy and Killa were coming across the green. I wasn’t even scared because Terry Takeaway was with us, he could destroy them. He used to be in the army before he got in his bottle. Me and Dean did a big jump to get Asbo’s attention so Terry Takeaway could get the meat off him. He threw it back in the bushes. Asbo couldn’t chase it this time because he was on the lead. He gave up looking for it when X-Fire bumped me. He’s always bumping me. This time I even wanted him to, it meant he was close enough for Asbo to get a good sniff of him.
X-Fire: ‘Get that dog away from me, man.’
Terry Takeaway: ‘Watch where you’re going then. What’s your problem?’
Asbo got straight to work. He sniffed them all like they were more meat. We kept watching for if he made his evil face. If his ears went up or his eyes went sad, we’d know we were onto something serious. They tried to walk around him but Terry Takeaway pulled the lead so Asbo stayed in front of them. He wasn’t finished yet. He jumped at Killa and made his eyes go all big. Asweh, it was too sweet! He was sniffing right in his nuts.
Killa: ‘I ain’t f—ing joking man, get him away!’
Killa got a screwdriver out of his pant. I saw it with my own two eyes.
Terry Takeaway: ‘What you gonna do with that, play with yourself?’
X-Fire: ‘Put it away, blud.’
Terry Takeaway: ‘You best listen to your mate. Run on home before your ice cream melts, yeah?’
They just split. Asbo’s ears were still up. I could even see the killing thoughts in the air, they were sticking to us like crazy moths after thunder. They wanted to kill us, you could tell. The test was a great success. It made more questions: if they wanted to kill everybody then what bit was meant for the dead boy? How could you tell one sin from another if they were all the same shape? Asweh, it’s very hard sometimes being a detective, your head just gets filled up with questions all day. I wished I’d tied them up when I had the chance but I wasn’t thinking straight.
We walked home with Terry Takeaway. Asbo ran in front of us. Sometimes he looked back to see if we were still coming. It was brutal.
Terry Takeaway: ‘Does your mum want a kettle? Brand new, eig
ht quid. It’s got a filter and everything. They’re twenty in the shops.’
Me: ‘I don’t think so. She doesn’t agree with stealing things.’
Terry Takeaway: ‘Good for her. Six quid? What about you, Copper Top?’
Dean: ‘No thanks.’
Terry Takeaway: ‘Suit yourself. Here Asbo, this way!’
If Asbo helps to catch the killer they’ll give him a share of the reward. I bet he’ll spend it on a big bone and a lifetime supply of belly scratches!
People who don’t follow God are called non-believers. They’re lost in the dark and they can’t feel anything, they’re just empty inside like a robot with the wires taken out. When something good happens they don’t even feel it and they don’t even know when they do something bad. Asweh, it must be very boring. A vampire is like that. A vampire has no soul or blood, that’s why he’s sad all the time.
Pastor Taylor: ‘It’s fear that makes them do such things. They’re afraid of the truth of the eternal Promise of Christ. We must pity them and pray for them. We must forgive them their weakness. They’re in God’s hands now.’
Mr Frimpong: ‘If I see them again I’ll bang their heads together. Hooligans.’
It was very funny when Mr Frimpong said hooligans. He didn’t mean it to sound so funny but it did. I had to bite my lips.
Church was proper quiet. Mr Frimpong didn’t even sing. It didn’t feel right. He wasn’t even trying. That’s what happens when you get knocked down, you stop trying so hard. Mr Frimpong showed us his knee, there was a big hole in it and poison all inside. He was very proud of it, you could tell.
Mr Frimpong: ‘Have a look at that. That dressing’s got silver in it, it’s for the infection. Nobody tried to stop them, not one person. Why now?’
In England nobody helps you if you fall over. They can’t tell if you’re serious or if it’s just a trick. It’s too hard to know what’s real. I even missed Mr Frimpong singing. It felt too crazy when it wasn’t there. It’s like when Agnes says goodbye to me, I can still feel her voice in my ear for a long time after. It even tickles. It’s lovely.
Pigeon English Page 10
