Dean: ‘It’s a front for drugs, I’m telling you. They hide them in the wrapper or inside the bun. I asked for chips from there one time and the geezer wouldn’t even serve me. He said try McDonald’s instead.’
Me: ‘Did he have a gold tooth?’
Dean: ‘No, but he was smoking a fag. If you smoked a fag inside a real chip van the council’d shut you down. Health and safety, innit. It’s definitely dodgy.’
All the rogues hang around Chips n Tings at night, smoking and listening to music proper loud from inside their cars. You wouldn’t drive all the way to a chip van if the chop was rank. I wouldn’t even walk there even if the hunger idey kill me. I kept proper still so the binoculars wouldn’t shake. I stayed low so we didn’t give away our location. We were there donkey hours. My behind started to ache like crazy but I couldn’t be the first one to move. I even started to like the pain, it meant I was a real detective.
Dean: ‘Anything?’
Me: ‘Not yet. Unknown white male came, bought a burger, went again. No signs of guilt.’
Dean: ‘Keep ’em peeled.’
Me: ‘Right you are, Guv. That’s an affirmative on keeping ’em peeled.’
Signs of guilt include:
Ants in your pant
Talking too fast
Always looking around you like you’ve lost something
Smoking too much
Crying too much
Scratching
Biting your fingers
Spitting
Sudden bouts of violence
Uncontrolled gas (farting a lot)
Religious hysteria
Dean learned them all from TV. People can show some of those things and still be innocent, like ants in their pant because they need to greet the chief. We were only interested in people who showed three or more at the same time. Three is the magic number.
Dean: ‘What about him? He’s smoking and I think I just saw him bite his nails. Zoom in.’
I zoomed in.
Me: ‘That’s OK, it’s only Terry Takeaway. He always smokes like that.’
Dean: ‘Can you vouch for him though? I think he’s a dodgy bastard. Keep looking.’
Me: ‘He’s only showing two signs and both the two of them are normal for him. He only stopped to get a light for his fag. I think he’s safe.’
Dean: ‘You sure about that?’
Me: ‘I’m sure. He’s my friend.’
That’s when Terry Takeaway saw me. Asbo must have seen me first because he started pulling on his lead and when Terry Takeaway followed him he looked right up at our location. He made a cup out of his hands to make his voice go even bigger.
Terry Takeaway: ‘Alright, Harri!’
Terry Takeaway loves making you jump like that. He thinks it’s very funny.
Dean: ‘F— it, that’s our cover blown. Mission aborted. Bollocks.’
Me: ‘Sorry, Sarge, my mistake.’
Dean: ‘Forget it. Next time I’m on the binoculars, yeah?’
Me: ‘OK.’
Next time I’m going to wear a disguise so civilians don’t spot me. You can buy fake nose and glasses from the market, they’re only a quid. Civilians is every other person who isn’t a criminal or a cop.
Me: ‘He might not even still be here. If I killed somebody I’d just run away so the police don’t catch me.’
Dean: ‘They’ll be watching the airports though. No, he’ll probably just lie low till the police stop looking. Some other kid’ll get killed soon and they’ll have to concentrate on him. Then our killer can just come out of hiding and carry on like nothing happened.’
Me: ‘That sucks.’
Dean: ‘I know. But that’s why we need the evidence, innit. We need to get our arses in gear, start collecting DNA. Blood, spit, shit even. Bogeys. Anything that came from a person that you can take away without ’em knowing. As long as you keep it in the fridge it won’t go bad. All we need is some bags or something to put the samples in.’
Me: ‘Hang on.’
I got a blackcurrant Chewit from my pocket. I put the Chewit in my mouth, then I got the best bogey I could find and put it in the empty wrapper. It was a perfect fit. There was plenty of room to fold it over so the bogey would stay nice and fresh.
Me: ‘Perfect!’
I chucked the bogey bomb at Dean. He dodged it just in time. I gave him a Chewit and he did the same thing. He got a big bogey and wrapped it up in a bomb and chucked it at me. It would even work for shit if it was just a small piece. I don’t know how to get human shit without the person it belongs to finding out. I don’t even want to know! The Chief will have to pay us extra for that!
Me: ‘What’s DNA?’
Dean: ‘It’s a bit like a fingerprint but on the inside. All the cells in your body have a tiny label on them that only belongs to you. It’s even on the shit cells and the spit cells, it’s on all of ’em. You can only read it with a microscope.’
Me: ‘What does it say?’
Dean: ‘It’s just a load of colours. But the order they go in’s different for everyone, like my DNA could be green blue red green, and yours could be green blue green red, all times a million. And the order they go in decides if you’ll be clever or fast and what colour eyes you’ll have and what crimes you’ll do. The DNA decides it all before you’re even born.’
It felt brutal. That must be why I’m fast, because God knew I wanted to be fast. He gave me all the skills I wanted before I even asked for them. Asweh, DNA is a great invention. I wish I could see my colours, then I could see what other skills I’m going to learn in the future. I hope one of them’s basketball. I got another bogey and looked at it through the wrong end of the binoculars but I couldn’t see anything, the colours are buried too far down.
It’s a shame the killer didn’t see his colours in time. Then he could have found the colour for when he chooked the dead boy and painted it over with something else. Poppy does it all the time. She finishes painting her nails, then decides she doesn’t like the colour after all, and starts all over again. Asweh, she should just stick to one colour or she’ll be painting her nails forever and there’ll be no time left over for loving me!
Lydia is in love with Samsung Galaxy. It’s a kind of mobile phone. It’s all she ever talks about. She thinks Auntie Sonia will buy her one for her birthday. I even heard her praying for it when she was in the bathroom. I waited for her to come out.
Me: ‘I’m telling. You’re not supposed to pray for a mobile phone!’
Lydia: ‘Don’t bring yourself! I can pray for what I like!’
Me: ‘Devil-lover!’
Lydia: ‘Bum-licker!’
Lydia won’t even get a Samsung Galaxy, it’s a hundred quid. If she gets a phone then I’ll ask for a Playstation. Otherwise it won’t be fair. Auntie Sonia loves us both the same.
I love listening to people talking on their mobile phone. You can hear them all over: walking along, waiting to pay in the supermarket, sitting in the playground. The best time is when you’re on the bus, then they can’t get away. You can hear everything. They talk about a hell of crazy things. I listen to them every time we go on the bus to the cancer shop (the driver sits behind bulletproof glass. It’s brutal. That way he’s safe from bullets and he won’t get bitten if any animals run amok).
One time I heard a man talking about cheese. He was telling the person on the other side of the phone that he got the cheese for them.
Man on the phone: ‘I got the cheese. I couldn’t get camembear, they didn’t have none. I had to get bree instead.’
Asweh, that’s what he said! It was too funny. Another time I heard a girl talking about when she got her belly button pierced. She was telling how it went poison from the belly-button ring.
Girl on the phone: ‘I know you’re s’posed to bathe it. I did bathe it. Saltwater, yeah. It still went manky. There was pus coming out of it. I just took it out in the end, I couldn’t be arsed with it. Can you get cancer in your belly button?’
I swear by
God, you hear some very crazy things! It’s very relaxing. Mamma says it’s just jibber-jabber but I love it. I think it’s very interesting. Just don’t let them see you listening or they’ll stop and then the fun is over.
Lydia: ‘I’ll only use it for emergencies. It’s for you really, so you can know where I am the whole time. It’s safer like that.’
Me: ‘Liar. She only wants it so she can talk rudeness to Miquita.’
Lydia: ‘How! No I don’t.’
Mamma: ‘What rudeness?’
Lydia: ‘Nothing!’
Me: ‘All about kissing boys.’
Mamma: ‘Which boys?’
Auntie Sonia: ‘Lydia has a boyfriend!’
Lydia: ‘No I don’t. He’s just bluffing.’
Me: ‘How did you hurt your nose?’
Auntie Sonia has a big bandage over her nose and her eye is all bruised a hell of different colours like a rainbow. She looks like she was in a war. I got ready to destroy whoever did it. I’d chook them with the toothy knife so it hurt extra bad.
Mamma: ‘Yes, how did you hurt it? Tell us.’
Auntie Sonia: ‘It was my own stupid fault. I was reaching for my suitcase on top of the wardrobe, I was looking for a dress. It slid off and hit me right on the nose. Broke it like that. I saw stars.’
Lydia: ‘Silly thing!’
Mamma: ‘You should be more careful.’
Auntie Sonia: ‘I know.’
Auntie Sonia went proper quiet when Julius came back from greeting the chief. He made her sit on his lap like a baby. He was holding her arm like he was a handcuff, like for if she ran away. His hand can fit around her whole arm, that’s how big it is. He thought we were still talking about Agnes (she has a fever but she won’t die, God won’t let it happen if we all promise to be good).
Julius: ‘If she needs medicine, I can get the good stuff for her. None of those past-the-expire-date hand-me-downs. I have a friend in Legon, I can make a call for you.’
Mamma: ‘We’re fine. You’ve done enough for us already, thank you.’
Julius: ‘Julius only wants to make people happy, eh?’
He did a big messy laugh and pulled Auntie Sonia’s too-tights. Auntie Sonia nearly fell off the chair. You could see the line of her pant under her too-tights. It was quite disgusting.
Mamma: ‘I’ve got to get to work. Come in the kitchen and I’ll give you that tea bread.’
Me: ‘I didn’t know we had tea bread. Can I have some?’
Mamma: ‘It’s the last piece. I’ll make some more tomorrow.’
I heard Mamma’s secret drawer get opened and shut again. You can tell it’s the secret drawer from the squeak. There’s no tea bread in there, only a hell of money and Dairy Milk chocolate. I know because I looked this morning. I didn’t take any.
Me: ‘I observed no crumbs on the suspect’s mouth when he came back from location: kitchen. My detective’s nose smelled a rat.’ (I only said it inside my head.)
Julius always splits in a hurry, he makes a big wind behind him. Auntie Sonia has to run after him like a dog. The Julius wind made her face go stiff like the fart wind from the tube. It smells like kill-me-quick and the Persuader.
Mamma: ‘Don’t forget the lift’s broken. Take care down those stairs, you don’t want another accident.’
Auntie Sonia: ‘Don’t worry about me, I’m fine. What colour phone do you want?’
Mamma: ‘No, Sonia. There’s no need for that.’
Lydia: ‘A red one.’
Auntie Sonia: ‘I’ll see what I can do.’
Lydia: ‘Thank you!’
Me: ‘Be careful of the puddles! People ease themself on the stairs.’
Lydia: ‘Harri spits on them.’
Mamma: ‘What’s that now?’
Me: ‘No I don’t! Mamma, I swear by God!’
Julius: ‘Come on, let’s go!’
Julius was at the end of the corridor. He let the door swing back and just kept going. It nearly hit Auntie Sonia in the face. Asweh, two broken noses in one day would be a world record for unlucky! I couldn’t get a fingerprint from the glass Julius used, the fumes from his kill-me-quick must have melted it. I smelled some close up one time and it burned the skin off my eyes. I was blind for one hour.
If Connor Green calls Poppy slack again I’ll stick a compass in his leg. Connor Green said he saw Poppy’s boobs. He said he’s seen the boobs of every girl in Year 7.
Connor Green: ‘It was when they had swimming. They let me in the changing room when the teacher weren’t there and they all showed me. Fannies as well. It weren’t even my idea, they just wanted to do it. You can ask them.’
Me: ‘I will ask them.’
Connor Green: ‘They won’t admit it. They don’t want you to know how slack they are.’
Connor Green’s just a liar. He’s never seen Poppy’s boobs. He’s only saying that because he wants to be her boyfriend. When he saw the message Poppy made for me his eyes went all dark. That’s how I knew. He wanted the message to be for him, you could tell.
P.M.+H.O.
I.D.S.T.
It means me and Poppy belong together. That’s what the top letters stand for: P.M. is for Poppy Morgan and H.O. is for Harrison Opoku. When you put + between them it means those two people go together like a sum. That’s what Poppy told me.
Poppy: ‘I.D.S.T. stands for If Destroyed Still True. That means if somebody rubs them out, they still count. Nobody can destroy it, it lasts forever.’
Poppy wrote it on her desk. It was in English. Do you know what’s Tippex? It’s a special paint for crossing out your mistakes. It’s white to be the same colour as the paper. If you make a mistake, you just paint over it with Tippex and start again. Then nobody has to see the mistake you made. It’s very clever. I wish it worked with everything and not just writing.
Poppy: ‘Now you write it. It’s got to be as big as mine.’
Me: ‘What if Mrs Bonner sees?’
Poppy: ‘She won’t. I’ll cover it with my folder.’
Poppy held her folder in front while I wrote my message. You can’t breathe the Tippex in because it’s the same poison as in the marker pen. The brush is proper small. It’s good for writing because you can get it quite neat. The only best thing is, when it’s dry you can’t rub it out. I wanted the whole world to see. I only had to keep it a secret until the Tippex was dry.
My hand was a bit wobbly because I had to go fast. It still looked bo-styles.
H.O.+P.M.
I.D.S.T.
My message was the same as hers except I put H.O. before P.M. I put my letters first because the message was from me. Everything else was the same. I covered it with my pencil case until the end of the lesson. I read it again before I left class. It felt brutal seeing it there. It felt important. Even Poppy thought so, she loved it, you could tell. She was smiling from ear to ear. Now everybody who sits at my desk will know me and Poppy belong to each other. You can’t even take it back. It’s the same as being married. It’s better than that because you don’t even have to sex them.
When you get married, everybody in your family, your mamma and papa and her mamma and papa, they all wait outside the sexing room. The husband and wife go in there and do it. They can only come out when they’ve done it. After they’ve done it, it means they’re married in the eyes of God and it can never be broken. Then you have a big feast. But if a fish comes out of the girl’s toto it means she’s already done it with another boy. Then she’s broken and you don’t have to marry her, you can just send her back to her family. It’s good news if the girl’s ugly, but not so lucky if she was beautiful and you really wanted to keep her!
Connor Green: ‘I seen this video once of a woman shagging a dog. I think it was an Alsatian. Is shagging a dog a sin in your country?’
Me: ‘Shagging any animal’s a sin, it could be a dog or a chicken or a worm, it doesn’t matter. God will take your eyes for that.’
Connor Green: ‘What about shagging a kid? That�
��s the worst ever, it’s got to be. What happens if you shag a kid, what will God do to you then?’
Me: ‘Then he’ll kill you in the worst ever way. Like all your skin will fall off and your brain will boil. Your eyes will go pop and your guts will fall out through your bumhole.’
Dean: ‘Nasty!’
The never-normal girl is always scared like a little rabbit because her grandpa sexes her. That’s what Dean said. She lives with her grandpa. He sexes her all day. That’s why she walks funny. That’s why she’s quiet like a rabbit.
Me: ‘Why doesn’t she tell her mamma?’
Dean: ‘Her mum’s dead. It’s just her and her granddad.’
Me: ‘Why doesn’t she tell the police then?’
Dean: ‘If she told them they’d take her granddad away and then she’d have nowhere to live.’
Then I felt sorry for the never-normal girl. I wanted to say she could live with me except then everybody would think I loved her.
Connor Green: ‘There’s some people who just shag a hole in the wall. They make a hole in the wall and put their dick through it. It’s usually in a toilet.’
Asweh, I didn’t even believe it! It felt too crazy. They pretend the hole is a lady. Sometimes there’s a lady on the other side of the wall. When she sees the man’s bulla coming through the hole she kisses it.
Me: ‘So what’s the wall for?’
Connor Green: ‘So they can’t see each other.’
Me: ‘Why, are they ugly?’
Connor Green: ‘Usually.’
Me: ‘Then why even sex them? Why not just sex the wall?’
Dean: ‘Because they don’t want people to think they’re a pervert.’
Poppy would never even show Connor Green her boob. She thinks he’s a spaz. Girls don’t even like you if you’re a spaz, they only like you if you’re sexy. Asweh, Connor Green has never seen a boob, I’ll bet you a million pounds.
People do ease themself on the stairs, you can smell it from a million miles away. You have to be careful not to go in the puddles. If you jump in a normal puddle you’re only a retard but if you jump in a piss puddle it means you’re made of piss.
Pigeon English Page 13
