by E. S. Carter
“Let’s go faster, Daddy,” Ivy demands as we walk through the park gates. “I want to feed the ducks first and then show Arfurr how high I can go on the swings. ‘Cos Uncle Iz told me if I go any higher I’ll turn into a butterfly and grow wings.”
I look down in wonder at my resilient little girl. There isn’t a day goes by that she doesn’t ask about her mother and there isn’t a time when she does that it doesn’t shatter my heart.
“Is this better?” I ask her, picking up our pace and going from a relaxed stroll to a power walk. She chuckles with glee and all but runs to keep up.
“Yes, Daddy,” she giggles. “You’re almost as fast as me, but not as fast as Uncle Iz.”
Before she’s finished his name, he’s broken into a sprint, picking her up on his way past and hauling her under his arm like a sack of potatoes. Ivy shrieks and laughs so hard she’s fit to burst, and they rush through the park with Arthur and me coming up slow behind them.
“We won, we won!” she exclaims giddily when I finally catch up to them at the edge of the lake. Ivy’s little hand is already rummaging through her bag and pulling out chunks of bread for everyone.
“Yes, you did, Princess Ivy,” I concede with a smile. The muscles in my face are still relatively unused to working this way, and the grin feels foreign on my lips.
I chance a glance at Isaac. We haven’t spoken a word directly to each other since he offered to stay, and watching him gaze adoringly at my little girl only solidifies my decision that it’s time for him to return to his life before ours swallows him up forever.
Once all the bread is gone - Arthur’s in his mouth, and all ours given to the ravenous ducks - Ivy is quick to direct us to the play area.
“C’mon, Uncle Iz. Push me on the swings again,” she begs enthusiastically.
“Give Uncle Iz a rest for ten minutes, Princess Ivy. If you go and play on the slide for a little while, he’ll come and find you when it’s time for the swings, okay?”
I don’t want to have this conversation with my brother, but I don’t want to hide and put it off either.
When it seems she’s about to protest, Isaac gives her a reassuring wave and nod of agreement, and Ivy looks between us thoughtfully before turning to run towards the slide.
“Take your time,” I call out at the same time Iz shouts, “Not too fast Ivy-Leaves, and remember to only go down on your bottom.”
She waves us off over her shoulder, and we both laugh out a sigh. This small girl has two grown men wrapped around her little finger.
“She’s going to break hearts when she’s older,” Isaac muses more to himself than to me, to which I reply, mostly in jest, “There will be no boyfriends or girlfriends other than the platonic kind until she’s over twenty-five.”
“Good luck with that,” he chuckles, adding, “she’s got Fox blood in her, let’s hope she’s more like her Daddy than her uncles or you’ll be in a whole world of pain, bro.”
I shake my head at his words but don’t fight the smile that wants to creep at the corner of my mouth. It’s the first time since Laura’s death that I’ve just sat and relaxed with anyone.
For months, I’ve locked myself away from those I love. I’ve squandered the first part of my son’s life, and I’m still not bonding with my little boy, but I’m trying. I swear to God I’m trying.
Silence falls over us, and only the small gurgles from Arthur in his buggy pull our attention away from watching Ivy on the slide.
I suck in a deep breath, close my eyes for a few seconds to bolster my nerves and loosen my tongue, then as I watch my little boy chew eagerly on his fist, I finally open up to the man that has been by my side during the darkest period of my life.
“Do you remember watching Aladdin with Liam when we were kids. He always wanted to put on Disney film on Sunday mornings and we all thought we were too old for them, but watched them anyway?”
The question seems random, but if he thinks I’m losing my marbles, he doesn’t show it. Instead, he laughs lightly and replies, “Yeah, we all used to try and mimic Robin Williams as The Genie. I think Jake was the one who pulled it off the best. It figures that he’d become the world’s most wanted actor.”
I smile, allowing myself to be proud of my successful older brother’s achievements. It took Jake years to get his big break, but he never gave up, and now Hollywood begs to have him in their movies.
“Do you remember what your three wishes were?”
Every time we watched the film, we’d discuss at length how dumb Aladdin was and what we’d use our wishes for if we were him.
I turn my head from Ivy and glance at him briefly, his head tips up towards the sky in concentration, a smile for a long-forgotten and happier memory creeping across his face.
“Yeah,” he answers through a grin. “Mine were first to convince Dad to pay for the photography course that was taken by that milfy teacher, Mrs Scott. Secondly, to get Mrs Scott to smile at me and fall head over heels in love, and lastly,” he looks over at me with a slight blush crawling over his cheeks and continues, “For Mrs Scott to take me home with her and introduce me to her super-hot husband, Mr Scott.”
I can’t help it. I snort, and a laugh breaks free.
“How bloody old were you for those to be your wishes?”
He shrugs and looks down at Arthur, before leaning forward to wipe some drool from the baby’s mouth with a bib.
“I don’t know, thirteen maybe. Old enough to know I wanted to experience both Mr and Mrs.”
I shake my head at him, my smile still stretching my lips and he returns it. Only his smile is bigger than mine, and I’m not sure if it’s because of the story he’s shared or the fact that this is the easiest it’s been between us in what feels like forever. If I closed my eyes, I could almost forget…
Liar.
We both feel the moment that the small spark of warmth between us cools, allowing tendrils of frigidity to replace the light-hearted memories.
“I can’t remember what I wished for back then. Can you believe that? The bloke who remembers everything can’t recall a single childhood wish.”
I turn away from Isaac, my gaze returning to Ivy who has found a friend, and I watch as they take turns to push each other on the small roundabout.
I could allow this moment to die without fully ensuring that he understands why it’s time for him to go back to his life and take up the amazing job offer Jake has given him. But it’s time to be a man and face things head on.
“I’d only need one wish now. No need to be gluttonous and beg for three,” I confess, the words slipping from my lips and drifting away into nothingness on the breeze.
“One wish would ensure that I’d get to wake up every day with her soft breaths caressing my neck. I’d feel the warmth of her lips on my cheek and the indulgent touch of her fingers on my skin. That one wish would have her heart beating within mine, and I’d forever be a happy man. I’d be rich and wealthy beyond my wildest dreams knowing that I would never have that feeling with anyone other than her.”
I look down at Arthur still happy in his buggy, and I ache for him. I hurt for the love he will never know and the woman he will never get to love in return.
“But wishes don’t come true, Iz. That’s a childhood fallacy we eagerly cultivate to encourage dreams. Life comes with a bigger price tag than juvenile wishes, and love comes at the ultimate cost. It’s not free. It’s the most expensive of all emotions because you pay its price with your heart and there are no refunds or returns. Once you love someone, you will always love them. There is no on or off button. Just because they leave, they don’t take that love with them. It stays as a reminder of what you’ve lost, and you wake up every day and pay that price.”
He’s silent. There is no response to offer when he knows everything I just said is the truth. My truth. Not his.
“It’s not your price to pay, Iz,” I continue after a while. “It’s mine. So please, do this for me, and for Ivy, and for Arthur.
Go make your wishes come true.”
I turn my head to look at him once more, and our eyes lock. His are filled with more emotions than I can identify, but I see the exact moment he makes his decision, and it feels like a weight off my already crushed chest.
“Okay, Josh. You win. I’ll take the job, but you have to promise that if you need me, you’ll tell me, because you’re asking me to walk away from you guys and that’s hard to do.”
I stare at him for a long moment before giving him a single nod.
“Loving Ivy and Arthur isn’t a cost to me. It’s a gift. So please don’t think you owe me anything, Josh. I’ve been here willingly, and I’ll come back willingly. Just don’t shut me out, because I’ve become attached to the little munchkins and I need my fix.” He smiles while bending to remove Arthur from his buggy.
“C’mon, Arty,” he says while setting him on his hip. “Let’s go and play with your big sister.”
I watch my brother walk away with my son in his arms, and my little girl running towards him, her new park friend long forgotten once Uncle Iz comes to play, and I’m grateful for Isaac’s choice.
The fact I’ve kept my full decision and plans for our future from him, niggles at the back of my head, but if he knew that I’ve decided to sell up and move away, he’d never take the job with Jake. And I need this. I need a fresh start where nothing reminds me of her.
Laura Smiles.
Because memories are not sweet right now, they’re just bitter, and for the sake of myself and my kids, we need a clean slate.
When I was younger, being one of five brothers was often tough, especially as I was the quiet ‘nerd’ of the bunch. When they talked sports or girls, I read books. When they stole alcohol and hid in the tree house to drink it, I was the one who bleached the wooden floor to clean off their vomit before our parents found out.
Now though, having four brothers, each one successful in their own right, can come in handy. Especially when planning a sharp exit from a life that is crippling you.
Nate, my eldest brother, is a self-made millionaire. He started off investing in club nights – promoting gigs and DJs around the city’s clubs - in his late teens, and then bought his first nightclub in his early twenties. The second club came quickly, and his success continued to skyrocket. Not content with making his name in the U.K. he began opening super clubs all over the world. The crowning glory of his multi-million-pound empire is on the party island of Ibiza. Nate doesn’t know it yet but his second home, where people go to get away from life and have fun, is going to be the first step for my escape.
I don’t want to party and live life to the max.
I don’t want to drown my sorrow in alcohol or drugs.
I don’t even want to bury my loss in other warm bodies.
I just want to leave here.
I want to pack as little as possible, take my kids and breathe in new air; air that isn’t tainted by the phantom scent of her.
“Thanks for staying with the kids for me, Mum,” I say as bend over to drop a quick kiss on the side of her head.
“Don’t thank me for having my grandchildren, Josh. It’s not a chore, it’s a delight,” she replies from her sprawled position on the sofa. Arthur is asleep across her chest, and Ivy is tucked in against her side watching some superhero film on the television that looks a little too action-packed for a four-year-old, especially when she whisper-shouts, “That’s it, sock it to him.”
My mother raises an eyebrow at me in a challenge and then gives Ivy an indulgent smile. Well, I guess if it’s passed her strict parental rules it can’t hurt for Ivy to watch The Hulk smashing up half downtown New York.
“It’s a PG-rated film. I FaceTimed Isaac to check. Stop worrying so much. I think I have plenty of experience, after all, I did raise five boys.”
“I guess I can’t argue with that,” I concede as I lean further over the back of the sofa to kiss Ivy on the top of her head.
“Goodbye, Daddy,” she waves dismissively, completely absorbed by the TV. My mother gives me a small smile as if to say, ‘Go now, shoo. What are you waiting for?’ and I step away from the sofa and out into the hall. My fingers have just made contact with the door handle when I hear the sweetest voice say, “Yes! Kick his ass!” Followed swiftly by my mother saying, “How about we watch some Peppa Pig? Hmm? I bet Peppa is having so much fun splashing in those muddy puddles.”
I stifle a laugh when Ivy replies, “Peppa is for little kids, and Arfurr is sleeping. I wanna watch Hulk crush this man’s car.”
Yeah, I think Isaac has a lot to answer for in this situation. I’m sure he’s the one who has been letting Ivy watch these comic book movies. Not that I have any right to judge because I’ve been so absent in her life, but my absence stops now, and hopefully Nate is the man that can help me.
Twenty minutes later, I pull up outside Acquiesce, Nate’s highest earning U.K. club and the place he works from when he’s in the country. I don’t envy his lifestyle. Both he and his girlfriend Liv are rarely in one place for long, although it seems to work well for them, and Liv has certainly tamed Nate’s playboy lifestyle. In fact, it’s a surprise he hasn’t put a ring on his girl. If one thing is certain about Nate, it’s that he likes to claim what’s his and make sure everyone knows.
As I approach the concealed security door at the side of the building, it opens before I have time to buzz myself in and out steps Liv. It’s the first time I’ve seen her since the funeral, and if the look of shock on her face is anything to go by, I am the last person she expected to see.
“Hey,” I offer uncertainly, as she stands immobile in the open doorway.
“Josh,” she says in obvious shock before a full smile burns brightly across her face. “It’s so good to see you. It’s been too long, we’ve missed you.”
The door closes noisily behind her as she flings herself into my arms for a tight hug. “Nate is going to be so pleased to see you. He’s called and visited so many times, and we’ve worried about you, Josh.” Her hands press into me, and her head finds the curve of my shoulder as she pours all her concern, worry and genuine empathy into the simple action of holding onto me. I want to absorb her touch and take comfort from it, but I’m unable. The act of being so close to another person is almost unbearable, and she must feel the stiffness in my muscles as she pulls away quicker than she intended, her face falling slightly but not enough to mask the sympathy in her eyes.
“It really is good to see you, Josh. How are Ivy and Arthur? I bet they’ve both gotten so big.”
I smile to hide the cringe that still ripples over my body, both from her touch and from her words. I’ve kept my kids from her and the rest of my family. Arthur didn’t just lose his first months with me; he lost them with his extended family too.
Thank heavens for Iz who wouldn’t let me push him away.
“They’re both doing great,” I offer weakly, not knowing what else to say.
All of us used to be close. We often spent time together as couples. Nate and Liv, Jake and Emma, Liam and Cari, Me and…
“I’m free any day next week. Maybe Nate and I could call over and take them both out for a few hours?” she asks, a hint of nerves only adding a genuine excitement to her eagerness.
I smile at her. It’s awkward and feels more like a grimace, but I soften it with, “I’m sure they’d both love that. Why don’t you come over on Monday or Tuesday?”
She blinks quickly, and I can see her swallow down the knot of emotion that’s building in her throat. Her eyes are wide and overly bright, a sheen of relief and hope shining clearly behind each quick sweep of her lids as she attempts to hold back happy tears.
“Monday,” she replies softly. “I’ll make sure that Nate keeps the whole day free and we’ll be over first thing Monday.”
“Great,” I reply with a small nod, refusing to let any of my well-hidden feelings escape. “Talking of Nate,” I add quickly to steer the conversation away from the dangerous ground it’s appro
aching. “Is he free? I’ve got a favour to ask him.”
“He’s always got time for you, Josh,” she states honestly, and I stare at the ground to avoid looking into her face. Shame washes over me, quickly turning into the need to run. These people are my family and yet here I stand talking to my brother’s girlfriend as if she’s a stranger. Not even a year has passed, and yet I feel like an interloper. Like someone has placed me inside the body of a man I once knew a long time ago, but they can’t see I’m not him. I’m a body snatcher and a fake. I’m not the Josh from before, and I won’t ever be him again because I was one-half of a whole. Now I’m one-half of nothing.
“Let me open up, and you can go straight in and see him,” she continues when she realises that I have nothing to say in return. “I was just popping out to grab something for lunch. I’ll give you both some space to catch up. Tell Nate I’ll see him at home later,” she says, her tone light as she enters the code to unlock the door and slides a key card through the lock. The door opens with a soft hiss and Liv props her foot against it to ensure it stays open but turns her body to face me.
“Whatever it is that you need, he’ll help you. You know that right?” She looks directly at me, her eyes searching mine.
“I know, that’s why I’m here.” I take a deep breath, exhale slowly and admit, “It’s time for Arty, Ivy and me to move forward and I’m hoping Nate can help us.”
She drops her handbag in the gap between the door and the wall, ensuring it doesn’t seal shut and then moves forward a step to pull me into another hug, one I try my hardest not to flinch away from, wanting more than anything to accept her kindness.
“He will, we both will,” she promises before placing a brief kiss on my cheek and releasing me.
“Thanks, Liv,” I reply, maintaining eye contact and letting her see that I mean it, even though I owe her more than thanks. I owe her and Nate and everyone else an apology, but I’m not capable of that yet.
