by Joan Jonker
‘Holy suffering ducks!’ Nellie raised her eyes to the ceiling. ‘Two ruddy biscuits, and yer expect me to brush yer floor!’
‘You made the crumbs, sunshine, not me,’ Molly told her. ‘And it’ll teach yer to be more careful in future.’
‘Ay, you just listen to me, girl. I know me eticit as much as you do, and if yer were a proper lady what did the job proper, yer’d give yer visitors a plate for the crumbs to drop on.’
‘But the crumbs didn’t drop, yer spat them out ’cos yer were talking with yer mouth full. And anyone with etiquette would know that’s not done in the best of circles.’
‘Bloody hell! I get two flaming biscuits which were begrudged to me in the first place, and then I get a lecture in eticit. I’m sorry I had the ruddy things, ’cos I’ve got indigestion now.’
‘That’s because yer gobbled them down instead of eating them slowly.’ Molly chuckled. ‘Still, seeing as yer’ve got indigestion, I won’t ask yer to brush the floor. We’ll have another cup of tea, then we’ll put our coats on and walk up to Jill’s. I said we’d call this morning, remember, and she’s having a list ready of the shopping she wants us to get for her.’
‘So we’ve called a truce, have we, girl?’
‘There has to be a war to do that, sunshine, but, yeah, yer could say we’ve called a truce. Like we’ve done every day for the last twenty-odd years. We’ve never once let a disagreement carry over until the next day. And that’s how it should be with mates. Same as with a husband, yer should never go to sleep without making it up.’
Nellie nodded, but she had other things on her mind. ‘When yer get down to pouring the tea out, girl, d’yer think yer could put a spoonful of sugar in, instead of counting each grain? Yer see, the last cup was too strong.’ Then a smile spread across her face. ‘Yer know I’ve got to have the last word, girl, or I wouldn’t sleep a wink tonight.’
Chapter Four
As soon as Molly and Nellie walked into Lizzie Corkhill’s house, Lizzie jumped from her rocking chair. ‘Here yer are, Nellie, save yer sitting on the couch.’
Nellie’s face glowed so bright, it was as though someone had switched the light on. ‘Oh, that’s very thoughtful of yer, Lizzie. I really appreciate yer kindness.’ If she hadn’t been eight inches shorter than Molly she would have looked down her nose at her. But as it was, she decided a haughty look would serve as well. ‘Isn’t that nice of Lizzie, girl, to think about me comfort? There’s not many so thoughtful.’
‘Any more sarcasm, sunshine, and I’ll drag yer back to my house and make yer brush up the crumbs yer’ve covered me floor with.’
‘What’s Auntie Nellie been up to now, Mam?’ Jill asked as she swayed from side to side with the baby in her arms. ‘How did she come to put crumbs on yer floor?’
Lizzie sat on one of the dining chairs, a smile on her face before she even had anything to smile about. But these two friends had been to her house hundreds of times over the years, keeping an eye on her when Corker was sailing the seven seas, and never once had they failed to make her laugh. In fact sometimes she laughed so much she got a pain in her side. ‘Come on, Molly, what’s she been up to?’
‘Seeing as she’s sitting in the chair of honour, I’ll let her tell yer herself. She won’t tell the full truth, mind yer, but it’ll be near enough.’ Molly jerked her head, wondering what Nellie would come up with. It certainly wouldn’t be a true account, but it was guaranteed to be funny. ‘Come on, Nellie, tell them what yer did, and make it good, seeing as Lizzie gave up her chair for yer.’
‘Why don’t you tell them, girl, while I have a nurse of the baby.’ Nellie rocked the chair with some speed, causing Lizzie to wonder whether she’d done the right thing. Her chair wasn’t used to rocking an eighteen-stone woman. ‘Ay, Jill,’ Nellie said to her daughter-in-law, ‘she’d soon go to sleep getting rocked on this. I could even rock meself to sleep.’
‘The baby is fast asleep, Auntie Nellie, and I was just going to lay her down in her cot when yer knocked,’ Jill said. ‘So I’ll take her up now before yer start telling us what tricks yer’ve been up to. Not a word until I come down.’
‘Have yer written the shopping list out, sunshine?’ Molly called after her. ‘Or d’yer want me to do it?’
‘She’s done it, sweetheart,’ Lizzie told her. ‘It’s on the sideboard, all nicely written out. She’s a good writer, is Jill, very neat, and better at spelling than I am.’
‘She takes after her mam,’ Nellie said, her head nodding knowingly. ‘In fact being good at spelling runs in the family. I think Molly used to feed them on a dictionary instead of a plate of sausage and chips.’ She gave Molly a sly look. ‘In fact, Lizzie, I’ve had a lesson in English this morning, and one in eticit.’
Lizzie looked puzzled. ‘A lesson in English, yer said, and what was the other one, Nellie? Yer’ve stumped me there.’
Just then Jill came downstairs. ‘I told yer not to say anything until I came down! Now, what have I missed?’
‘Yer haven’t missed much, sweetheart. Nellie was just telling me yer mam had given her a lesson in English this morning, and another lesson, but I didn’t catch what it was.’
Nellie tutted. ‘Eticit, Lizzie, eticit! Anyone would think yer’d never heard the word before.’
Jill shrugged her shoulders and pulled a face. ‘I’ve never heard the word before, Auntie Nellie, so I must be as thick as two short planks. Tell us what it means.’
‘It means not talking with yer mouth full, girl, and spitting crumbs on the floor. But it also means that the person what gave yer two custard creams without a plate to catch the crumbs on didn’t know the meaning of it either. And then I wouldn’t have had a brush stuck in me hand and been ordered to brush the crumbs up.’ Then Nellie had what she thought was the best idea she’d ever come up with. ‘I could act the scene for yer, Lizzie, word for word and action for action. Would yer like that?’
Lizzie’s eyes sparkled as she leaned her elbows on the table and cupped her chin with her hands. ‘Oh, that would be great, Nellie. I love it when yer do yer acting bit.’
‘Well, to do it proper, Lizzie, yer’d have to put three custard creams on a plate for me. Then I could do me own part, and Molly’s.’
Molly gasped. ‘You hard-faced article! I don’t know how yer’ve got the nerve, Nellie McDonough, asking for tea and biscuits when yer’ve had some not fifteen minutes ago.’
Nellie’s face was the picture of innocence as she spread out her chubby hands. ‘I was only trying to give Lizzie and Jill a laugh, girl, or is there a law against it?’
‘I’d willingly give yer biscuits to have a laugh, Nellie,’ Lizzie told her, ‘but I haven’t got any custard creams, only arrowroot.’
Nellie shook her head slowly, giving her chins the option of swaying or taking it easy. ‘No good, Lizzie, I’m afraid. Yer see, yer don’t get many crumbs from arrowroot biscuits, so I wouldn’t be able to spit them all over yer floor. I appreciate the offer, though, girl, and under any other circumstances I’d be glad of arrowroot biscuits. But my mate begrudged me the two custard creams so much, I ended up with indigestion.’
Molly was sitting on the couch, her legs crossed, and a half smile on her face. ‘Go on, sunshine, yer might as well tell them the rest.’
‘All right, girl, I’m coming to it, don’t rush me.’ Nellie wouldn’t know what a look of disdain was, but that’s the look she was trying for. ‘It’s your fault I’ve got indigestion, but yer don’t feel a bit sorry for me.’
‘If yer going to tell them the tale, tell them the truth. Yer pinched a custard cream out of me hand and gobbled it down, and that’s how yer got indigestion.’
Nellie’s nostrils flared. ‘Ay, girl, who’s telling this bleeding tale, you or me? Will yer kindly let me get on with it, please.’ Then, as sweet as pie, she smiled at Lizzie and Jill, whose heads were going from one to the other as though they were watching a tennis match. ‘Anyway, me and me mate called a truce. Because I had indi
gestion, Molly said I needn’t brush the floor. And she gave me another cup of tea. And,’ here Nellie paused for effect, ‘yer’ll never guess what she did. She put a spoonful of sugar in me tea without counting the grains. Now that’s true friendship for yer.’
It wasn’t so much what Nellie said, it was the way she said it. She could do so many contortions with her face you would think it was made of rubber. And the more she moved her head, the more her chins danced. She was a treat for Lizzie and Jill, for between her and Molly, they were left with plenty to talk and laugh about.
‘Yer make a good team, you two,’ Lizzie said. ‘If yer ever fell out, not that I think there’s even the remotest possibility of that, then yer’d both be lost.’
Jill nodded. ‘Steve always says that Laurel would be no good without Hardy, and Nellie would be no good without Molly. And he’s right.’
‘There’s a big difference between Laurel and Hardy, and me and Nellie,’ Molly said. ‘They get paid damn good money for acting daft, whereas we act daft because it comes natural.’
‘Oh, you and Nellie get paid in appreciation, sweetheart,’ Lizzie said. ‘Yer’ve brightened my life all these years, for there’s many a time I’ve gone to bed thinking about yer shenanigans and fallen asleep with a smile on me face.’
‘I think ye’re both wonderful.’ Jill’s pretty face was aglow. How lucky she was with her mother and her mother-in-law. ‘I wouldn’t change yer for the world. I love the bones of yer.’
‘Ah, ay, girl, every time someone says that, yer mam comes off best ’cos she’s got more bones than me. Why can’t yer say yer love our bones and flesh, then I wouldn’t feel left out.’
‘If yer think of it that way, sunshine,’ Molly said, ‘I could moan and say that seeing as there is more of you than there is me, then you get more love.’
Nellie beamed. ‘I never would have thought of it that way, girl. But then, I’m not as clever as you. More loved, but not as clever.’
‘Well, seeing as yer’ve worked that out to your advantage and are feeling happy with yerself, sunshine, I think it’s time we were on our way to the shops. So if yer hand me the list, Jill, we’ll make a move.’
‘I’ll give yer five shillings, Mam,’ Jill said, reaching for the list off the sideboard. ‘That should cover it, but if not I’ll give yer the difference when yer come back.’
Molly ran her eyes down the list then put it in her pocket. ‘We may be an hour or more, sunshine, ’cos we’ve got our own shopping to do. And a lot depends upon how many people we meet that Nellie stops to talk to.’
Nellie got on her high horse. ‘You speak to them as well, girl, so don’t be putting all the blame on me.’
‘Yes, I do speak to them, sunshine, because if I just stood there listening to you going on and on, they’d think I was gormless. But if I was on me own, I’d just wish them the time of day and keep walking. Unless it was one of me mates, when of course I’d stop and have a natter with them.’
Nellie leaned forward, her eyes like slits. ‘What mates? I’m yer mate. Yer haven’t got any other mates.’
‘Don’t be acting the goat, Nellie, of course I’ve got mates. What about Mary Watson, and Beryl Mowbray? They’re not best mates, like you and me, but they are friends.’ Molly leaned over the table and kissed Lizzie. ‘I’ll see yer later, sunshine. Jill can throw us out.’
‘Before yer go, Molly, save me fretting about it all day, what does eticit mean?’
Molly chuckled. ‘It’s etiquette, Lizzie, but my mate can’t get her tongue round that so she altered it to suit herself.’
‘Come on, Mam, I’ll go to the door with yer. I’m not chasing yer, but I’m hoping to get some ironing done before the baby wakes. I haven’t got much, but I want it done and put away, then it’s off me mind.’
Nellie let Molly and Jill go ahead of her, so she could whisper to Lizzie, ‘Jill and Doreen both take after their mother. Too bleedin’ fussy.’
Tony grinned when Molly and Nellie passed the shop window. ‘Here’s yer mates, Ellen. Come and serve them while I see to Mrs Whitworth.’
Ellen came through from the store room just as her neighbours walked through the shop door. ‘Morning, ladies. Ye’re a bit late today, aren’t yer?’
‘We went up to see what shopping Jill wanted, and yer know what it’s like once yer sit down, yer start gabbing and the time flies over.’ Molly jerked her head towards Nellie. ‘Not that I do much talking. I leave it to me mate.’
‘Only when it suits yer, girl, only when it suits yer. Most of the time yer can talk the hind legs off a donkey. Sometimes yer go on and on, forgetting to stop, and I can feel meself breathing for yer.’
Tony said goodbye to his customer and came down the counter. ‘Shall I serve one of yer, and Ellen the other?’
‘I want three-quarters of steak and kidney twice, Tony,’ Molly said. ‘Wrap them separate for us, ’cos one’s for Jill. I don’t know about me mate. What are you having for dinner, Nellie?’
‘Same as you, girl, of course. Don’t I always?’
‘I’ll see to them, Tony,’ Ellen offered. ‘You have a break.’
‘What, and miss me usual laugh! Not on your life, Ellen. I’d be down in the dumps without me daily dose of Nellie and Molly. What treat have yer got in store for us today, ladies?’
‘You can get to the back of the queue, Tony,’ Molly told him. ‘I want to know how Corker and his friend got on last night. Did yer tell him off, Ellen?’
Ellen pulled a face. ‘I could hardly tell him off in front of a stranger. But I could cheerfully have strangled him for bringing a friend home without telling me. I looked a sight in the old dress I wear for work. But yer know what Corker is. He doesn’t stand on ceremony, doesn’t care how yer look. His dinner was in the oven, a bit dry by that time, but he ate it while I made his friend egg on toast. Then while they were busy eating and going over old times, I ran up and changed into a decent dress and combed me hair. Phoebe was out, but the other three were in and I’ve never known them so quiet as they listened to the men talking about the times they’d had during the war when they sailed in convoy. They talked about things I’d never heard before, about ships in their convoys being blown up, and how many near misses they’d had. It was very interesting, and Derek is a really nice bloke. But yer’ll find that out for yerself, Molly, ’cos Corker’s asked Derek down on Saturday to go for a pint, and they’ll be calling for Jack, and George.’
Tony left them to serve a customer and Ellen felt guilty. ‘I’ll serve you now, and tell yer a bit more afterwards, if we don’t have a rush of customers.’
But there was a steady stream of shoppers and they had no more time to talk. ‘Here’s yer three lots of steak and kidney, ladies, and that’ll be two bob each.’ Tony put the parcels on the counter and grinned at Nellie. ‘Yer’ve ruined me day being so quiet, Nellie. I’ll have nothing to tell the wife when I get home.’
‘It’s not my fault, lad, it’s me mate. When she starts talking there’s no stopping her. I just couldn’t get a word in edgeways.’
‘Well, that makes a change, sunshine. It’s usually you doing all the talking.’ Molly passed two silver coins over. ‘That’s four bob, for me and Jill.’ She put the meat in her basket. ‘Come on, Nellie, pay up and look happy.’
‘You pay him, girl, and I’ll pay yer when we get home. I’ve come out without me purse.’
‘Oh, not that old trick again, Nellie. Yer can’t expect me to fall for that. Get yer purse out and pay the man.’
‘I’ve just told yer, girl, I forgot it! It’s on me sideboard, I can see it in me mind. Anyone would think I was trying to diddle yer, the way yer talk. I’ll pay yer as soon as we get home, and yer can charge me a penny interest on it.’
‘What about the greengrocer’s, Nellie? And we’re going to Hanley’s for bread. Do you expect me to pay in those shops, as well? Ye’re a flaming smasher, yer are. How d’yer know I’ve got enough money on me to pay for everything?’
> ‘Don’t worry about it, Molly,’ Tony said, even though he had a sneaking suspicion Nellie was pulling her mate’s leg. ‘She can pay me tomorrow.’
‘Oh, no, lad, I wouldn’t keep yer waiting for yer money, it wouldn’t be fair. But I am beholden to yer for offering.’ Nellie straightened up to look the pillar of respectability. ‘My mate will help me out until we get home. She might say she won’t, she always does, but she’ll cough up in the end.’
Molly sighed as she opened her purse and rooted for another two shilling piece. ‘I hope ye’re not going back to pulling this trick every day, sunshine, like yer used to. I’ll pay for yer today, but don’t come back for more tomorrow.’
‘Oh, I won’t, girl.’ Nellie made a cross as near to her heart as she could get. ‘Look, I’ll cross me heart and hope to die, if this day I tell a lie.’
Molly took a deep breath and let it out slowly. ‘I feel sorry for you, Nellie McDonough, ’cos when the day of judgement arrives yer’ll be asked to account for all these lies.’ She put her basket in the crook of her arm and jerked her head. ‘Come on, let’s get the rest of the shopping in. That’s if I’ve got enough money on me to pay for it.’ She walked towards the door, ‘See yer tomorrow, Tony. Ta-ra, Ellen. Come on, Nellie, get yer skates on.’
‘Yes, miss, right away, miss.’ Molly could hear the butcher and Ellen laughing, but her mind was busy on the shopping list and she didn’t turn. If she had, she’d have seen Nellie with a thumb in each ear, her tongue sticking out and her eyes crossed.
Outside the shop, Nellie stood with an angelic look on her face. ‘Where are we going to first, girl?’
‘Jill needs a couple of nappies for the baby, so we’ll go to the wool shop first for them, then the greengrocer’s, and then Hanley’s.’
