“Now don’t interrupt me,” she said. “I just want to say one thing. When you’ve been through a lot, it’s easy to look back on the past and have regrets. What’s harder is to look forward, at the future. But that’s what we have to do. Just keep on moving forward. That’s what you have to do, Clara. Otherwise, you will get trapped, and none of us want that for you.”
I wondered suddenly if Shay had already told her about my connection with Atik. It was certainly possible. Probable, even. If that was the case, then her message to me was clear as crystal—but right now, that wasn’t something I wanted to think about just yet. I nodded to her.
“I’ll think about your words, Maggie. But right now, I just need to rest.”
She sighed. “Just make sure you do think about that,” she said pointedly, reaching out to pat my arm. Then we just sat there for a while, and I let my thoughts course through my mind again and again, trying and failing not to be too overwhelmed.
Chapter 8
I had so many things to think about in the days that followed that it was difficult just to keep my thoughts straight. I didn’t even know how to try. I was fortunate in that my friends knew better than to try to pressure me about Atik. Because of that, I spent most of my time simply wandering, attempting to figure out exactly what it was that I wanted, or if I wanted anything at all.
I had considered the fact that one day I might find a mate among the Kamani, but it had always seemed like some distant thing. It had never really felt like something that might happen to me. Now that it had, my mind roiled in confusion. I kept picturing Atik, and when I did, strange feelings came over me—feelings that I had never experienced in all the long years that I had been alive, back on Earth and in all the time that I had been on this world. But did I like the fact that simply meeting this Kamani could change me in this way? I didn’t know.
For the first time in a long while, I thought about my life back on Earth, and what had prompted me to so gladly go along with the Ak-hal when they had given me the choice to come with them. Remembering that I had been on the cusp of being forced to marry a man I didn’t love, I shivered with displeasure. The memory of that was still so clear in my mind, even though it had happened so long ago. And yet, I had thought that I could love Kypher—I had somehow allowed myself to be taken in by his beauty. What was different about Atik? I barely knew him, but somehow, I was drawn to him. Something told me that this was different, but what was it? Was I just fooling myself? Or was this really something special?
I shook my head. This was too confusing. I knew that the Kamani were nothing like the Ak-hal—in my time spent among them, that much was obvious. But could that difference really mean that I could fall in love so easily with Atik?
“Clara?” An unfamiliar voice called out to me. I paused where I stood and turned, looking around me. It took a moment to find the person who had called out. Finally, I spotted Nuna, Atik’s sister, coming toward me from the bottom of the rise that I stood on. Anxiety rose in my chest—I wasn’t prepared to speak to her, not right now—but I told myself I wouldn’t run away. I had acted the coward too much lately.
Wow, she’s beautiful, I thought as she came up to me. Which wasn’t surprising, given that she wasn’t just a Kamani, but Atik’s sister. People always compared me to a doll, but she—she was a goddess, like something out of legend.
“Clara,” she said again in softly lilting tones, smiling at me as she approached. “I am glad I found you.”
“Hello, Nuna.” I smiled back, feeling uncomfortable but trying my best to be friendly—after all, it wasn’t her fault that I was caught up in a whorl of emotions about what was going on between Atik and myself.
“You are as beautiful as I remember you,” she said suddenly, catching me off guard. “My brother has found a good mate.”
Of all the things she could have said, I hadn’t expected that. I froze, unable to do anything but simply stare; any words I could have spoken caught up in my throat. Nuna cocked her head at me, as if a little confused by my reaction—or lack thereof. But finally, I exhaled, shaking my head quickly.
“It’s… ah. Thank you. I guess,” I managed.
“Are you all right?” she asked.
“I am, yes.” What I didn’t say was that I still didn’t know whether I wanted to be her brother’s mate. I couldn’t tell her that when she looked at me so expectantly, with the bond of sisterhood written all over her. She smiled at me again, then reached out and took me by the hand, giving it a gentle squeeze.
“Atik has searched a long time for a woman to call his own, Clara. He has wanted a partner to stand by his side. It makes me happy that you are here—that you have come into his life.”
Again, I felt my heart grow heavy. I couldn’t say what I wanted to say. I couldn’t tell her that I didn’t know whether I could stand by Atik’s side the way she—the way he—wanted me to. And worse, now I felt like I would be disappointing, hurting, more than just Atik because of my inability to love. It was obvious how much Nuna wanted this for her brother. She stood here with so much hope for this union between Atik and myself, and I had nothing to offer.
Searching my mind for something to say in response, I came up with nothing. All I could do was continue to smile. I felt like the doll that people said I was—an empty shell of a thing. But something in my silence seemed to finally indicate to Nuna that something was wrong. She gave me an intent look, her hand still on mine.
“What troubles you?” she asked. There was concern in her voice, but also a note of determination, as if she would get me to tell her the problem regardless of how I felt. I was reminded suddenly of why Shay called the Kamani ‘Barbearians’—they may be kind and peaceful people, but they certainly weren’t known for their tact.
“It’s nothing,” I said quickly, as I certainly wasn’t prepared to discuss the problem with her of all people, but she wouldn’t let it go that easily.
“Tell me.” She looked into my eyes, as if she could somehow root out the secrets my looking within them.
And then… “I can’t.” At first, I thought I was saying that I couldn’t speak to her, but then the words spilled out of me. “I can’t do it again. I thought that I was in love before, but I was wrong. I made a mistake, and it was the biggest mistake of my life. Even if the Kamani are nothing like the Ak-hal, what if I end up mated to someone I don’t love? What if this feeling is just temporary? I probably shouldn’t be talking to you about this. You’re his sister.”
I laughed hollowly, feeling foolish that she of all people was the one I had decided to divulge all these crazed thoughts to, but Nuna simply nodded at me, continuing to look into my eyes as she did so without breaking contact.
“I understand. You have been through so much. You are confused.”
“Confused and… scared,” I admitted, for the first time, even to myself. “This whole thing is terrifying.” I brushed my free hand through my hair and let out a tremendous sigh. “Do you have a mate, Nuna? Have you ever had a mate?”
She shook her head. “No. I have not found a mate yet,” she said.
“Then you don’t—you can’t—know how frightening it is. To give yourself over to someone. To even think about the possibility of giving your life to someone.”
Nuna frowned. “That is not the way with the Kamani, though,” she said. “Why do you think that Atik would want you to give your life to him? He does not want a slave. He wants a partner.”
Her words struck me. Hard. I hadn’t realized it, but perhaps my years with Kypher really had twisted the way that I thought about mates. It didn’t immediately change the way I felt, but a spark of something grew inside me in that moment. A spark of possibility.
I didn’t know what else to say to Nuna right then, but I needed time to think after that. “Thank you for speaking with me,” I told her.
“Thank you for being here,” she said. “And I hope you are soon over your confusion,” she added as she fina
lly walked away. I watched her for a while as she disappeared over the ice, and then finally decided to walk back to my own room in the compound where I could sit and think for a while.
What Nuna had said wouldn’t change everything for me automatically—it wouldn’t immediately make me ready to be Atik’s mate. However, what she had said did make me realize how my time as Kypher’s mate had warped my sense of what it meant to be a mate to someone. I really had come to equate the idea of being someone’s ‘mate’ with being someone’s ‘slave,’ and perhaps my hesitation was because I was afraid of going through that again. After all, that was what I had been fleeing from in the first place when I left Earth—and it was what I had fled right into when I had come into the grips of the Ak-hal.
However, a part of me still was afraid I couldn’t truly love Atik, and this was the part of me that still held back, despite the feelings that rose up whenever I thought about him. It was maddening. Deep down, I knew that I wanted to have that—that I wanted what Shay had, what Maggie had with her mate once long ago. It was the thing that I had dreamed of having with Kypher when I first met him, before his true character had been revealed to me.
And that was the problem, wasn’t it? I didn’t feel as if I could have that sort of love—that passion. Something would inevitably go wrong, just as it always did.
“I need to stop this,” I told myself all at once, as these thoughts circled back through my head for the thousandth time. I was driving myself crazy. What I needed to do was just… make a decision. Would I try to make things work with Atik or not?
Atik. Just the thought of him made a sensual warmth run through me. I thought of him—I pictured his body, his bronzed skin, and his taut muscles. But more importantly, I remembered the way he had spoken to me when he had helped me escape from the Ak-hal, how I had felt comforted in those moments when I had thought that all had been lost. I remembered that he had been just as driven to help rescue the other women as I had been, and that he hadn’t let me give up hope even when everything seemed hopeless. And as I sat in my room, thinking of him, I was overcome by his presence.
Looking up toward the entrance of my room, I saw him standing there, his golden eyes gleaming as he looked toward me. There was something gentle about his gaze, and yet there was also something fierce about him. I was reminded of the animal that resided inside his soul as he took a step toward me, and despite my reservations about our mating, not a single part of me felt the desire to protest as he came to sit beside me.
“Clara. I couldn’t wait any longer to come and see you.”
I bit my lip, thinking of him as he thought of me… imagining his anticipation. Again, I could sense that heat inside me, impossible to quell even if I told myself I needed to control my feelings.
“Atik…”
My words were cut off by the touch of his hand on mine. It was like he had sent a flash of lightning racing through me, right into my belly and taking my breath away. I was certain I had never felt this way before, and he had done this with just a simple touch.
“Oh…” I murmured, letting my eyes flit up to his face, and taking in the shape of it once more, amazed by his well-sculpted features—the golden crescent of his cheekbones and his full lips which, in that instant, I felt compelled to kiss despite my continued hesitation. And then compulsion turned into action. I moved forward as Atik leaned down toward me, and those lips closed down over mine.
For just a second, I let all my worries go and decided to live in the moment. I let myself simply give in to desire as I relished the taste of him as he slipped his tongue over mine in a pleasure-filled dance, the hand that had been over mine now making its way up and to my shoulder, then to the back of my head to tangle through my curls. He continued kissing me, long and hard, at one point biting my lip gently—teasing me—at that point of connection between us. I reached out and touched him without even thinking, my hands running up his arms and feeling their strength, holding on to him. For all the confusion that I had been through up to that point, I didn’t want this instant between us to end.
But it did. At long last, he finally pulled away from me, and when our eyes met, I felt transported back into my own reality. Shaken, I took a deep, steadying breath.
“Atik…”
“You say you don’t know if you will choose me. But I want you, Clara. I need you.”
Nuna must have talked to him. I suppose I knew that would happen, and yet, I had spoken to her anyway. Maybe that was a clue about how I really felt, I mused. Or maybe I was just caught up in the sensations that were going through me, with him sitting right there and staring at me with those golden eyes. It was difficult to think reasonably when Atik was so close. It was difficult to think, period.
“I know what you want,” I managed after a long few seconds. “But I’ve been through a lot. Give me time.”
“I will give you time,” he said. “But you must know we were meant to find each other. I will not give up on you.”
He leaned forward again and kissed me once more before finally standing and leaving me alone in my room to think about what he had said. I will not give up on you. If Kypher had said it, I would have been frightened. It would have seemed like a threat. But from Atik, it was different. It was a promise, and it resonated with me. I felt comforted by it somehow. I was still nervous, and I still didn’t know what the future would bring. But I did know that Atik would be waiting for me if I decided that it—he—was something that I wanted. Atik was a Kamani, a Barbearian, and he didn’t make promises lightly.
I could count on him to be there for me if I decided that I was ready to open myself up to the possibility of love. The only thing that I needed to figure out was if I would ever be ready for that.
Chapter 9
I was worried after Atik’s promise that he couldn’t leave me alone. But in the days that followed our kiss, I ended up worrying more that I didn’t see him, no matter where I went around the Kamani compound. I told myself that I wasn’t looking for him—that it didn’t matter whether I saw him or not—even though a part of me was very aware that I did have a desire to see him again. And of course, it was far beyond me to ask anybody who might know where he might be, so I did my best to get on with the chores that I had always done.
Maggie accepted my presence back by her side without a word, though I could tell she still had things she wanted to say. For now, though, it seemed that she would leave those things be—perhaps until I asked for her advice, or until a little more time had passed.
But while the matter of my love life was up in the air, for the time being, everybody was still fixated on what needed to be done about the women still being held captive back at the Ak-hal base. Nobody had forgotten them, or that every minute counted where their lives were concerned. In fact, when I thought of them, I felt ashamed that I had been so fixated on my personal life when their lives were at stake. Had I really become so selfish?
And yet, I still worried about what could possibly be done to free them. Everything that Kypher had said had led me to believe that the Ak-hal had some sort of trap laying in wait for the Kamani if they came after the women at their base, and yet, it wasn’t as if they could just do nothing, especially when there were executions planned for those women who had admitted to being Kamani mates. I trembled as I thought about Jessica, so radiant and kind, and so undeserving of the treatment that she was certainly receiving right now… that was, if she was even still alive…
I banished the thought from my mind. She had to be alive. Ak-hal executions were grand displays full of pomp and ceremony, and it took time to plan them. Because of me, the last one had been disrupted, so surely it would be at least a little while before the next.
“What’s on your mind now, Clara?”
I practically jumped out of my skin, having been caught in the middle of all these thoughts. Maggie looked at me intently, and I realized that I had drifted off in the middle of cooking beside her.
; “Oh.” I looked over, supposing I might as well tell her. “Well… it’s about the women who were captured. I’m just so worried about them. And I guess I feel a bit guilty. That I got away and they didn’t.”
“It doesn’t do you any good to feel guilty,” she said. “Though I know what you’re going through.” She smiled wistfully, and I wondered then what it must have been like for her in those years after she escaped the Ak-hal, knowing that I—and others like me—was still imprisoned among them.
“I suppose I just wonder… did I deserve freedom?”
“That’s the most foolish thing I’ve ever heard, Clara.”
“What? Why?”
“Just think back to all the things you’ve done. You stayed strong for all the years that you were held captive. You kept your own mind when you could have lost it. You helped Shay escape by giving her a weapon to use against her captor. And Atik has already told everybody about what you did for him when he was going to be executed. You stood up against an army of Ak-hal to save someone who didn’t deserve to be killed. If there is anybody who deserves freedom, Clara, it’s you.”
I was shaken by what Maggie said. I had never realized that anybody could think about me that way, with so much respect—especially someone like her, who I respected so much in turn.
“And don’t think that Atik doesn’t know all these things about you,” she added quickly, “and that he doesn’t feel the same way because of them.”
Now I was caught off guard.
“Atik?”
“He’s been talking to people. Wanting to know as much as he can about you, since you’re still too shy to spend much time with him yourself. And you can be sure that Shay gave him an earful when he asked her for stories.”
Feeling the heat rising to my face, I wondered just what Shay had told him about me. After all, there were plenty of things she could have said, given our history together. I decided not to think too much about it, otherwise I might actually faint on the spot. It would be a very bad time for me to suddenly revert back into a Victorian lady after having run from that life so very long ago.
Assassin's Bride (SciFi Alien Romance) (Celestial Mates Book 9) Page 26
