by Aceves, Gigi
“Sweaty Balls?”
“No, your balls are sweaty. Get that straight. What I’m eating is called Schweddy Balls, and it’s absolutely divine. No, you can’t have a bite.”
“Just when I thought I was making headway, I’m slammed with this. I can never catch a damn break.”
“That’s okay. We know guys are slow on the up take.” Rolling her eyes, she continues, “You know when God blessed humans with brain power, I think boys in general were sleeping since all the brains landed on the wrong head.”
Tami is never insecure, but I guess with everything going on, she has every right to feel that way. I should’ve told her about Lorraine, and I get that. However, that’s water under the damn bridge, and if she needs me to build a bridge for her, that’s what I’ll do. The problem is women always . . . always make things difficult.
“It’s starting to come back, huh?” Putting her spoon down, which I’m sure causes her great distress she continues, “Like I said, Tami is one very insecure woman, right now. Her relationship is in the shitter while everyone around her is having babies. That alone will do a number on someone’s psyche.”
“I get it. But . . . she never assumes. Not when it comes to us. We talk things out.”
“Well, I say there’s always a first time for everything, besides if it’s really true you ‘talk things out’ sorry to remind you buddy, you failed to tell her about your first baby mama.” She rolls her eyes at me out of frustration. “Do you have a brain? What I’m saying is, your secret, plus you saying all those hurtful things about her being pregnant messed with her inner peace. You know, her Zen state. That girl has been one of the strongest women I’ve known, but even the strong ones have a moment of weakness. You should know this. Talk to her. See how that goes.”
“Now, we’re talking about Zen state? I need Cody.”
“Huh. Good luck with that one. The best he could come up with is ‘men are from Mars and women are from Venus.’ Just call her. You look as though you’re losing your mind.”
Scuffing her off, I retort, “Losing my mind is the least of my worries. I’m too intent on not losing my heart.”
“Have you lost yours?”
“The day she let me go.”
“So, what now?”
“All I know is I’m ready to do this. I want to try it with her, and only her. I want her to wipe away my fears while I wipe away her doubts about my commitment.” Blowing out a breath I continue, “There’s a lot of things I need that only she can give, Roxy. No one else, just her. We both lost someone special, my hurts are the same as hers, and just because I’ve experience the loss twice doesn’t make her pain any less. I need to get over my own fears to move on. I get that now.”
“Are you doing it for her or for yourself? There’s a difference, Brian. A huge one.”
It doesn’t take me long to answer. “I’m doing this for us. For us.”
Cocking her head my way seemingly satisfied with my answer she says, “What are you waiting for? Talk to her.”
“I’m calling her. First, I need to get the feel of the battle field.”
“Wuss!” She stops and looks at the empty box in front of her.
“If you stop talking, I’ll get you another one.”
She smiles my way, pretending to hold a key, locking her mouth shut, and throwing it away. Then, and only then, do I dial Tami’s number.
“Can we talk? Remember the time apart? It’s supposed to bring healing, correct? I achieved that, so again, what’s the issue here?”
“There’s no problem. The issue lies with me, solely on me,” she answers softly.
“How so?”
So much running around in circles is frustrating the shit out of me. I feel like a damn hamster.
“I guess, I need a partner who wants to try it with me.”
I’m shocked, but I shouldn’t be since assumptions have hijacked her brain, and Neil keeps saying stupid shit to her isn’t helping at all.
“Am I not the partner for you?”
“Am I to you?”
I’m shocked, again. I pull the phone away from my ear and literally looked at it for a couple of seconds. I’m honest to God having mental whiplash, and I’m not easily confused.
“Tami, you’re it for me. I want you to stew and simmer on my own ten point truth about us. If you still have doubts, ask me directly without assuming shit. One, I want to try again with you. This time I want to feel every movement, hear every moan, and touch every part of you knowing we’re creating life. Two, I only ever want to try with you, no one else. Three, Lorraine is my past. She will never be my present or my future, that throne is owned only by you, Tami. Four, I’m ready when you are. All you need to say is when. Five, clear the doubts and whatever shit is growing in your brain. Six, if I’ve disappointed you in anyway, please forgive me. I’m letting go of my own fears, and believe me, when I say it’s not easy. I’m still scared shitless, but I’d rather be scared with you. We’re a team, alright? Seven, you’re my world. Eight, I’m doing this separation shit since it’s what you want, so please, use it for what it’s designed to be. Nine, quit listening to Neil. And last but certainly not the least, when you’re ready for me to touch you again, I’m going to fuck your body just as hard as you’ve fucked with my brain.”
I don’t wait for her answer, I don’t ask her any questions, I just hang up once I’m through talking. I can’t believe she’s put us both into this emotional mind fuck without talking to me.
“Nice. Way to establish whose the one carrying the balls,” Roxy says snickering at me.
“She’s trying to ninja fuck my brain.”
“Trust me when I tell you, that wasn’t ninja fucking your brain. She’s just throwing a few jabs here and there.” She moves from behind me and starts rubbing her palms together. She’s smiling at me in her all too cute Roxy way; you can’t help but smile along with her. “Now, before you forget, can you run to the store and get me some more of them oh so good Schweddy Balls.”
TAMI
“Just pick, already! We’re down to two, Neil. If you don’t choose in the next ten seconds, you’re dead meat.”
“Tami, pl——ease. You’re talking to Cat Woman here. I have nine lives.”
“Cat Woman is a girl, Neil.”
He actually strikes a pose. “But, I have more sass in my ass.”
“Enough, let’s go through the models again.”
We were flipping head shot after head shot for over an hour, and finally, we pick the right candidates. Neil is excited because of the size of their junk while I’m excited because of my clothing line.
“So, have you had anymore weak moments? It’s been a few weeks since the last one. Have you been finger banged lately?”
I playfully push him. “Why are you so interested in my love life?”
He rolls his eyes at me. “I’m living vicariously through you, remember?” Sighing, he continues, “Seriously, are you ready? You know how guys are. One second they’re sure of everything, and then when it actually happens, they get cold feet.”
“I just have to trust him, Neil.” I take my glasses off and lean back on my chair. “If he tells me he’s ready, then he is.”
“But girlfriend, he can say that without being sure. I’m not putting doubt in your mind, but he has been in that mode of thinking for a while now. I understand a come to Jesus moment can happen anytime, but that quickly?”
“We’ve always been honest with each other.”
He snaps his fingers at me. “Are you forgetting already that he failed to tell you about his secret? He kept it from you, Tami. I just don’t want to see you hurt or blindsided again.”
“He’s the only one who can truly be sure of his readiness, but at least, he’s willing to try. Now, I don’t think we’re going to try right away. Gosh, we still need to fix our relationship, to bring it back to where we were before. We’re just beginning to heal from you know . . . our loss. I don’t think we’re ready to jump in bed
and have a go at it. As in, trying to get pregnant.”
He stands and laughs, “Says the girl who got finger banged.”
“I told you it was a moment of weakness,” I answer with less conviction than I said it the last time.
“I think we’ve established Brian is your weakness. For the record, I understand and commiserate with the weakness part; it’s the look of pain on your face I can’t stand.”
Without looking at my assistant who is fast becoming one of my best friends, I continue slapping my fingers against the keyboard, sending an e-mail to God knows who, trying to forget the pain from weeks ago.
“It may be that he’s my weakness. But, he’s my weakness that also gives me strength.”
Furrowing his brows he says, “Err, what the hell do you mean, woman? Don’t talk in riddles if you want to have a meaningful conversation with yours truly.”
I lean back and steeple my fingers as I look him in the eyes. “Losing Brian could and can bring me to my knees; but because of that fear and the love I have for him, it gives me the strength to allow him to grow by letting him go. As hard as that was, I’m paving the way for him to realize what we’re worth together, and how much we both don’t make sense when we’re apart. It’s in losing that winning can be achieved.”
“Ah, I see you’re in Gunny mode. It’s so weird how you talk like him, sometimes. You’re a she-man. But kidding aside, I hope everything turns out okay.”
“One can only hope.” I reach for my coffee and take a sip as I give Neil a wink.
He looks pensively at me. “What if he asks you to marry him? Oh, girl, what are you gonna do?”
That thought has never entered my mind, only because I’ve been focused on fixing us. How can he possibly think of proposing when we aren’t even on speaking terms?
“I don’t know, Neil. I guess, I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it.”
“Well, what if the bridge is wobbly and missing a few planks? What then?”
Looking put out, I answer, “I’ll Wonder Woman myself over to the other side. How’s that?”
Clapping as he tells me, “Nice; make sure you’re wearing your red Victoria Secret thong underwear.”
Just then, Roxy walks in with a huge bag of In-N-Out burgers.
I smile at her, showing my appreciation. “Thank you for coming! Please, help me calm Neil down. He’s having a . . .”
Roxy waves the bags, hands me the drinks, then rolls her eyes as if saying she’s used to Neil’s drama queen moments. Hopefully, Roxy won’t add to them, because I can only deal with one brat for the rest of the day.
Roxy wipes her mouth before speaking, “Neil, you’re just a drama queen.”
“Damn proud of it. We’re twinsies, you and me. We think alike, and like the same type of men, especially that hot stuff that knocked your booty up.”
“I’m pregnant, and my brain’s kinda muddled, so I’ll let your confession about my hubby slide.”
As soon as the word ‘pregnant’ leaves Roxy’s mouth, I instantly feel the same tightening of my chest, much like when the doctor told me I’d lost our baby. The grimace on my face causes Roxy and Neil to reach out for my hands. They’re wearing the same look of concern they normally do when I remember. I.Always.Remember.
“I’m okay.” I swing my gaze to Roxy, knowing guilt is eating her up right now. “Don’t feel bad about what you said. I want you to be happy around me. I want you to be free to talk about how you feel, what you feel without fearing I’m gonna lose it. I’ve told you this before, Rox, don’t change because of me. I’m happy you’re pregnant, just as you’re sad that I’m not. I want to learn from you, to maybe see what I should expect if and when I do get pregnant, again. At the same time, I want you to see that even after losing a child, life goes on, at least for me.”
Roxy being pregnant equals a very emotional Roxy. “Why did it have to happen to you? Of all people, why you?” She dabs her eyes with a napkin and rants some more. “I mean, there are others who get pregnant just by a guy looking at them, and they never even want to be pregnant. So, I don’t understand why God would do this.” She whispers the last part as though she’s ashamed she thought of God in that manner.
“I don’t know the whys, Rox. All I know is Heaven gained another angel because of my loss. It’s the only way for me to cope, you know? Maybe someday I’ll be able to hold our baby, maybe she’s dancing in Heaven waiting for us, or he’s praying for healing, I don’t know. It’s easier to imagine the how-I-wish, instead of focusing on the what-could-have-beens in life.”
I smile at her to make her feel better. Slowly, but surely, my heart is healing; and hope is quickly settling in my heart as it used to. As my dad always says, there’s always a rainbow after a thunderstorm, peace after a whirlwind of chaos, and life after death.
BRIAN
AFTER SPENDING LONG HOURS AT work and missing Tami like crazy, I silently tiptoe my way through the hallway straight to our room. I find her curled up, wearing one of my shirts while hugging one of my pillows. A smile breaks onto my face, knowing she misses me just as much as I miss her.
Since our ‘break up,’ I hate sleeping at Cody’s; and since I won’t gamble sleeping with her, my next best option is to sleep on the couch. Hopefully, she won’t catch me and kick my ass out . . . again. After tossing and turning for a couple of hours I give up the fight to sleep. I go directly to the kitchen straight to where her Keurig sits and start her coffee. While waiting, I open her junk drawer for a piece of paper and a pen. If I can’t sleep, I’ll write my angel a letter. I’ll tell her a story of how I picture our story to end. I want her to hope with me, to want with me, to wish with me, but more than anything, I want her to just be with me.
Noticing that her coffee is done, I make it the way she likes and walk back to our room, placing it on the nightstand next to her along with my little note. My fingers are itching to touch her again, while my lips are aching to kiss hers. It’s been too long. Way too long. She stirs, and I take that as my cue to leave.
I walk back to Cody’s side of the house to find him making breakfast for Roxy. I pat his back, shaking my head not believing that my once carefree friend slowly, but surely, turned into a pussified Martha Stewart.
“I see you’ve been thoroughly pussified. Can you make some for me, too?”
He points the spatula at me as he smirks. “You know, your time will come, boy toy. What are you doing here, anyway? I thought after seeing no action for a while you’d be all up on her shit.”
“You know I can’t do that.”
Scrunching his brows at me, he says, “Why not? Own that shit.”
“I’ll take her out to lunch today. You know, romance the shit out of her and get on her good side. I want her to remember the good times.”
Throwing his hands up in the air, he says, “Dude, just go there and tell her how it is. I don’t know what you’re waiting for. I mean, it’s not like you guys never did the . . .” Cody thrusts a couple of times, thankfully not in front of me. “ . . . boom chaka laka.”
“I’m trying, man.” I wave him off and ask, “Why are you up so early, anyway? Can’t get any or what?”
“Ha! If you must know, I told Ms. Nympho my dick is off limits.” He turns around frowning at me. “Quit laughing! I’m telling you, I don’t know what’s up with her, but. . . .”
Roxy appears out of nowhere and goes directly to Cody, hugging him from behind. “Hmmm, why’d you leave?” She mumbles.
Cody turns around to hug her and laughs. “Love, no means no!”
Burrowing her face into his chest, she mumbles, “I want some . . .”
“See what I mean?” Cody says, as he points to his wife.
“Wow, I never thought you’d ever say no to any type of sexual activity.”
As he continues to rub Roxy’s back, he answers, “Not when it’s overused!” Kissing Roxy on her head, Cody leans back and looks at his wife. “Love, you want breakfast in bed or right here. And, I mean
breakfast that you can swallow.”
“I can swallow!” Roxy perkily answers, which makes me shake my head.
“Damn! I set myself up for that one. I mean, something that will give nourishment to my baby.”
While I sit here listening and watching them tease each other, I can’t help but feel a slight knot in my stomach wishing I were with Tami, right now. I don’t know how much longer I can hold off, but it’s gonna happen soon; otherwise, my dick will forget how to function.
Cody chuckling in the background gets my attention. I swing my gaze and raise my brow at him. “What the hell are you laughing about?”
Covering his mouth, he says, “You! I don’t think you’re one hundred percent in. It’s more like you’re one hundred percent out! Out of practice! Dude, you have blue balls while I have a blistered dick!” He slams the table with his hand and laughs uncontrollably.
“Whatever, and you’re one hundred percent used and abused. Blistered dick, yeah, because you’ve been complaining, non-stop I might add, about your dick being sore and shit.”
Cody’s eyes grew like saucers after what I said. Roxy’s loud gasp is soon followed by tears and a few incoherent mumbles. Roxy pushes her chair back and is about ready to leave when Cody stops her.
“Love, I was just joking when I said that. You know shit comes out of my mouth from time to time. You know I have diarrhea of the mouth. Do we have any Imodium?”
Cody reaches for her, but she flinches away. Then she turns to leave after bringing down the gauntlet on my friend. “Don’t touch me. You better start mourning your dick’s death. From now until forever, it won’t serve a damn purpose since I’m gonna be using my Lelo!”
“You owe me big time. I’m just putting it out there,” Cody says, scowling at me.
“I’m sorry. Roxy’s never been that sensitive, so I thought. . . .”
He interrupts me as he looks at me in bewilderment. “She’s pregnant! Every woman who has ever been pregnant is sensitive as shit. Forget about the women are from outer space concept, because this is a whole different ball game. She cries at the drop of a hat. She sees a commercial, she cries. She watches a movie, she cries. I give her the wrong ice cream flavor, she freaking cries. We go shopping for baby stuff, she cries.”
