by Aceves, Gigi
The lump in my throat has grown in size and fighting to speak is difficult, but I have to say something before I lose it completely.
“Thank you, Dad.”
He nods a couple of times, taking a deep breath in and blowing it out slowly. He has his eyes closed, but his words resonate in my heart like a cymbal.
“No . . . Thank.You, Son.”
Before I know it, we’ve arrived, and Tami’s excitement sparks my own.
“Are you ready to take Dominic home?” She asks excitedly.
“Ready as I’ll ever be.” I run my thumb on her soft skin as I say, “He made it, angel. We made it.”
With tears threatening to fall and lips quivering, my beautiful wife wipes away any lingering fear in me. “It’s finally done.”
The ache in me finally disappears as her lips meet mine. It’s a slow, passionate kiss with each stroke brushing away our heartache, each swipe restores our strength, and each glide fires a need that’s been denied the past three months. I give her lips a few more pecks, not wanting to get carried away. Once again, my needs . . . our needs have to take the backseat because Dominic’s needs come first—always. We don’t see it as a burden, in fact, anything concerning Dominic is something we delight in. Simply because he’s our world.
Looking at each other we both say, “Let’s go get our son.”
After signing all the discharge papers, being shown how to use the apnea monitor, double and triple checking home care instructions, we’re ready to go. Finally. Dominic is snug and secure on his car seat with a warm blanket covering him. He’s sporting a little blue beanie that says ‘daddy’s little man.’
As I triple check the seat belt latch, I hear a little whimper and turn to face my son. When his eyes lock with mine, my heart is overwhelmed with so much happiness and peace. It’s a reprieve only Dominic can give.
I whisper, “I love you, Dominic. Thank you for fighting the fight.”
He lets out a sigh as if to say. . . . it’s done.
This is our family’s day—Dominic’s day. It’s a milestone he has achieved with a lot of help from nurses and doctors, a whole lot of prayer, and one huge determined heart—Dominic’s heart. He’s the reason why we’re still standing. His feeble body scared both Tami and me, but it didn’t deter Dominic’s spirit. There were a few close calls before we got to this point. A few that my heart almost couldn’t take, that has brought me to my knees, but time and time again, Dominic’s determination proved me wrong. I thought I knew everything there was to know about how to fight, but Dominic taught me how to fight in silence.
He taught me to believe.
More importantly, he showed me how to move.
TAMI
Nursing Dominic is my newest favorite thing. If I could sing as beautifully as Cody, I’d probably serenade my son twenty-four seven, but since I can’t carry a tune, I’m just content looking at him as he peacefully nurses.
“It’s the most amazing feeling, isn’t it?”
Smiling, I answer without gazing away from my son’s angelic face, “Trish, it sure is. I . . .” I stop for a second before my emotions gets the better of me. “ . . . I thought I’d never get this chance, you know? The chance to hold him, feel him breathe, breathe him in. It makes the pain, the sacrifice, and sleepless nights all worthwhile.”
Just then the most important females in my life walk into my room, and nothing can stop the tears of appreciation that start dripping from my eyes. Without them and the amazing men in our lives, I don’t know what I’d have done—I don’t know what we’d have done. Remembering the sacrifices they’ve made humbles me, but above all, their words of hope given during times of need are a blessing I’ll forever treasure.
“Sweetheart, take a break and eat. I’ll stay with Dominic.”
“Mom, I just got here,” I answer without looking at her.
Hugging me from behind, she says, “You’ve been here since seven this morning, and it’s close to one o’clock. You need to eat. Brian has been blowing up my phone to remind you to eat.”
“I don’t want to leave him all alone.”
She kisses my head then says, “Ever since Dominic was born, he has never been alone, Tami. There’s always someone with him . . . standing and watching over him.”
“Roxy, do you remember when you were watching Dominic?”
Roxy walks toward me to help burp Dominic. “How could I forget that? I almost died! I think the nurses wanted to throw me into the psych ward once I started spewing those words!”
With tears still wetting my face, I sadly but fondly, remember how Roxy stood strong for Dominic and me.
Machines start beeping while Roxy stands beside me holding my hand and anchoring her arm on my shoulders as Nancy, the head nurse, tells us to move. I stand there speechless while my emotions are taking over me. Fear—fear rattles my heart . . . and destroys the little bit of hope that’s burning inside me. When is too much—too much?
Roxy sensing my despair wakes me up the only way she knows how . . . Roxy style.
She turns me to face her. “You’ve got to get a hold of yourself, T. Talk to him! Don’t let fear win. It.can’t.win. You gotta go all in!”
I can feel my mouth moving as I pray for God to grant me yet another miracle. The on call doctor and nurses are working at such a fast pace, I can’t keep up with what they’re saying or what they’re doing. All I know is my son is fighting hard while I’m drifting away in a tumultuous sea of fear. I cannot move—I can’t.
Out of the blue, I hear Roxy’s voice . . . so loud . . . so full of strength it revives me . . . it revives my fight—it revives my soul.
“Dominic, focus on my voice; this is Aunt Roxy. Breathe for your mama, kid. She’s right here looking at you. Keep the fire going, buddy, for your daddy.” Miraculously, one machine stops beeping, and Roxy’s hold on me gets even tighter, her voice gets stronger. “That’s right, Dominic; you’re doing great. There’s still a lot of things we want you to see . . . things we want you to experience. Don’t give up. Push forward, Dominic. Just don’t follow the damn light, follow my voice!” Roxy nudges me then says, “You want to hear Mommy’s voice, don’t ya? She’s just so in love with you, she’s speechless.”
I clear my throat, and with a shaky voice, I talk to my son. “I love you, Dominic.”
That’s all I say. The doctor and nurses stop moving as they look at me with smiles on their faces, and tears of gratitude cover mine.
“Well, what about the time Trish was there with you. Do you remember that?” Roxy asks as she starts massaging Dominic’s back with the palm of her hand.
Trish cringes as if she’s in pain, just remembering it. “How could I forget that day? I wanted to run and hug my own kids after witnessing it.”
“Brian spent the night?”
“Yeah. They have a room designated for parents. We’re both spending the night, tonight. I told Brian I couldn’t sleep by myself at home while he’s here.”
The beeping of the machines start again, which seems to be a regular occurrence in the NICU, but even still, my heart always jumps the moment I hear them. My hold on Dominic tightens as I hear the on-call doctor bark orders, and I’m afraid for the mother who’s waiting helplessly on the side.
“Oh, God.” Trish’s loud gasp alarms me even more.
Then, the wailing starts followed by whispers of sympathy from nurses and doctors. The mother’s cries continue, while my own tears of sadness for her and fear for my own child threatens to fall again. This could be me tomorrow . . . tonight. This could happen to Dominic. The thought alone paralyzes me.
“Tami . . .” Trish’s voice forces me to look at her while trying to control my emotions. “Don’t . . . don’t go there. You have to tell yourself this is not going to happen to Dominic.” Trish kneels next to me as I rock Dominic, holding him a little closer to my chest. Needing to protect him—wanting to protect him.
I start talking to my son, whispering softly, lulling him to sleep w
hile seeing his chest rise and fall brings a little bit of comfort. Is it a false sense of security? I don’t know. I know I want to believe—I need to believe.
“Dominic, I know you can hear me. I’m sorry Mama is scared. I’m scared for you. I’m scared for Daddy. God, please help my son. Let me see his eyes open. Let me see his first smile, his first step, his first words; I want to see all his firsts, just not his last breath. Please, don’t make me see it. Make his heart beat stronger for me, for Brian.”
Trish sniffles as she tries to speak. “He’ll give it all to you. I know you believe it. I also know during times like this it’s hard, but you just have to pull it from somewhere . . . especially during times like this.”
“I . . . I don’t know how you were able to do it when Jake was in the hospital. I don’t know which is easier to accept, a sick adult or a child. To me, it hurts all the same. It’s so hard to see someone you love like this. It breaks my heart every time I see Dominic, but every time I see him, my heart is happy, too. I don’t know what to feel . . . how to feel.”
Taking a deep breath as she grips my arm. “Nothing about this is easy. It’s awful . . . it’s hard. It drains you emotionally, but don’t let it beat you down.”
“I’m afraid to lose Dominic, Trish. I don’t want to lose him.”
“I know, Tami. Just. . . .” She stops to wipe her tears. “ . . . just enjoy each minute, every second, because you know how many countless hours you’ve waited for this moment.”
Just then Dominic takes in a deep breath. I take it as a confirmation that today . . . today is a good day. Today, my Dominic is okay.
As we remember the sad times each of us has shared with Dominic, it still seems surreal for me. I pinch myself on more than one occasion, to be reminded that indeed my son is home. A confession I’ve been wanting to say out loud forces my mouth to move because of the women that are surrounding me right now.
“The last few months have been very trying for Brian and me, but I’d like to thank each and every one of you . . .” I say as I look intently at each one of them, wanting them to feel the gratitude I feel so deeply. “ . . . for being there for me. At times, I feel I’ve failed Dominic, Brian, and myself for being so weak that all I ever do is cry. I tried so hard to be strong. I . . . I guess I can be strong when someone else’s life is imploding, and that thought has been eating at me.”
I reach out for Dominic, and Roxy gives him up without any fuss. He has been a source of strength for me without a doubt. His tiny body doesn’t do his heart justice. My son’s heart is his strength, and he gives it to me with a force so strong it jolts my heart to move—again.
“Sweetheart, I’ve been down that same road, felt the same pain, and just like you, I was glad there were people around me ready to lift me up. You can’t always be strong, and there’s nothing wrong with the manner in which you fought the fight. You can fight kneeling down, standing up, sitting down, crouched down so low you’re kissing the ground, as long as in your heart you’re not giving up.”
Brian’s mom kisses my forehead and lets her lips linger there for a second longer, just like her son until a tear drops on my hand resting on Dominic’s chest. I know silently like her grandson, she fought this fight kneeling down, but never quitting.
“Thank you, Mama C.”
We fondly call Brian’s mom, Carolina, Mama C. I treat her like a second mother—she feels like a second mother to me, more so because we share the same fears, or rather she understands mine.
She lifts my chin and says, “There’s nothing to thank me for. You’ve healed my son’s heart, and now you’ve given me a grandson whose heart has healed both of yours, including Lorenzo’s and mine. I’d like to think there’s a little bit of something in Dominic that belongs to the first one you both lost. I hope you’d think that way too, because it helps heal the loss. You won’t ever forget, but when you remember, it’s not a void that hurts anymore; rather it’s a void that has been filled with everything about Dominic.”
I offer her a smile, and seconds later the rest of the women I hold dear gather around for a group hug, but gentle enough not to wake up Dominic. Everyone’s sniffling by the time the boys barge in.
“What did I say? You guys owe me twenty bucks each. I’m telling you when our women are together, it’s either they’re crying, talking smack, or planning our demise.”
“Oh-uh . . . I don’t like that look, Cody. You guys need to go home. Roxy take your crazy husband out of here,” I demand before he starts.
On cue, Dominic starts to fuss while Corey’s screams can be heard a mile away, and Jillian’s ear splitting shrieks calling for Jake might crack all the glass in the house. Without wasting time, Brian comes straight to me and gently takes Dominic. He follows Jake and Cody who both run out to go check on Jillian and Corey, leaving Trish, Roxy, and me with our mouths wide open.
“I’ve never seen those guys clear a room that quickly. Who knew all it took was crying babies?”
Just then, Jake pokes his head through the door and says, “We need to go, babe. The boys are getting fussy, and it’s my girls’ story time in thirty minutes. So, you gotta hussle, babe.”
We roll our eyes, but not until Jake leaves. The girls and Neil say their goodbyes. I walked them out, not surprised to find only our parents and Brian rocking Dominic in the living room. As I walk into the house, our parents are walking out followed closely by my husband, and of course Dominic.
“You guys are leaving, too?”
With a sigh from both grandmas, we watch our fathers guide them to the car and wave as my dad pulls out of the driveway.
“Finally! Alone with my son . . .” Brian kisses Dominic then says, “And, alone with my wife.” He then kisses me on the forehead, lingering there for a bit while I wrap my arms around his waist.
He watches me lock up, and we walk straight to our room. We play with Dominic for a little while until his eyes starts to flutter. I nurse him, then Brian burps and changes him. All the while holding our son, not putting him down until he’s fast asleep. He puts the electrodes and the belt on his chest, making sure everything is secure before we lay down on the bed.
I snuggle closer to him with my head on his chest and his arms wrapped around me. I’m sure he feels the same way I do—content. The feeling of not wanting anything, because you have everything you’ve been wanting, for a very long time.
“Today is the best day of my life, angel. The best. I know you feel the same way.”
A pleasure filled sigh escapes my lips. “This moment tops everything good that has happened in my life . . . in our lives.”
Turning to face me as he lifts my chin with his thumb. “I love you, forever.”
“And, I love you with no end.”
“The story of us finally gets its happy ending. A young jaded man marries his forever love. A woman entirely made for him whose heart healed every scar, erased every doubt, and patched every hole in his heart. Then, someone from above blessed them with a son whose heart is so big, it made everyone around him move. Now, we can face the sunset with more hope and less fear for what lies ahead.” His eyes never leave mine as they shine so brightly. “I’m not done trying, sweetheart. I want to fill our home with kids . . . I want their laughter to fill our hearts, I want their dreams to power ours. I just want more because your love empowered mine.”
“And, your love strengthened me.”
“And, our son’s love completed us both.”
Smiling at my husband while we continue to gaze at each other, reminiscing the painful past and celebrating our season of joy. With tears in his eyes he says, “For me . . . for my heart and for our family, you’re everything my son and I will ever need. Ever.” He whispers against my lips, “His heart made us move. . . . until. . . .”
I finished it with, “Until it’s done.”
He starts kissing me as he moves his body over mine. His arms enclose my head. He kisses my forehead, my nose, then my lips where he gifts me with fou
r small pecks, and the third one holds a promise of what lies ahead. The fourth kiss is filled with passion, full of love and embodies how much he needs me . . . how much his love is anchored on me.
The passionate kiss turns into something more as it always does. Our connection physically will always be the vehicle to ‘our forever with no end,’ but it’s our hearts that will give it strength to survive life’s trials.
He moves with passion while I move with love until we both reach our peak where we explode together in the most magnificent of ways . . . the best yet, because we’re finally home.
Our Dominic is finally home.
THE END
2ND FORK IN THE ROAD: LEFT TURN
BRIAN
FIVE DAYS AFTER ADMISSION
SUDDENLY, MACHINES ARE BEEPING ALL at once, and Tami’s face crumples in pain as she reaches for my hand on her belly. My lips instantly rest on her forehead. All too soon I’m being shoved, pushed, then I hear Tami complaining of her chest hurting.
“Page Dr. Rosenthal, stat!”
Next thing I hear is our doctor being paged, and everyone except Cody, Jake, and me hover by the door hearing everything one nurse is saying to another.
“Her BP is up 160/110.”
Dr. Rosenthal appears out of nowhere and barks out orders, “Give me the reading. What’s the protein level this morning?” As she flips through the chart, she signals to the nurse closest to the door to get us out.
That’s when my heart stops beating. Everything around me seems to move in slow motion, and I find myself in the hallway with Cody on my right and Jake on my left both holding my arms. When the door opens a few minutes later, my wife is being wheeled out.
