by Aceves, Gigi
My mother only uses my middle name when she’s upset with me, and clearly she is. I should have known not to get between my mother and a child, but sometimes severe loss can cause one to act irrationally. At the moment, I think my parents want to mask the pain of Dominic’s death by taking on a child. Once the cold morning air hits my skin, my mom’s cold stare hits my eyes; I cave for a second.
“I never thought your heart could turn to stone. Perhaps, I’m wrong. Nick doesn’t have anyone, Brian. His mother got hit by a car on her way home. She didn’t have anybody . . . there’s no one she trusts to take care of her son. Am I too old, sure I am; but . . .”
“You are old, Mother!” I stop, blowing out a breath I’ve been holding since I woke up this morning. “I know you want to help him because that’s just you, and quite frankly, there’s nothing wrong with my heart. I’m not being mean or cold hearted. The cold truth is you and Dad are too old to take this responsibility head on. There are other capable, much younger couples who can take him in.”
She smiles sadly at me while making me feel as though I’m two feet tall. A look she has perfected over the years, which to be honest, she hasn’t used on me since I graduated boot camp.
“If Dominic were alive and God took you away from him without warning, I . . . I would take him in without thinking because I love him. I know losing a parent is too much for a child to handle, and I know that’s what you would want me to do. Love is love, Brian. There’s no limit on it, no age that says you can’t love anymore, no time that says ‘it stops here.’ Love lives inside of us because we give it freely. Once it’s taken away, it hurts just look at your wife. She’s drowning in her own hurts, afraid to accept the reality. Just maybe, in her heart, if she hangs on to that hurt, that little memory of her holding her son will make her feel him again. It’s a scary thought to lose that connection. Can you imagine a child feeling that loss?”
Her words hit me like a cannonball. I sit down on the top step leading to her garden to let her words truly sink into my heart. I know Tami is hurting, so am I; but probably for different reasons. She’s hurting because it’s hard to let go, while I’m questioning myself how easily I was able to let go. I guess it was easy for me because I accepted our fate—Dominic’s fate with a broken heart, but an open mind. I finally learned to open my arms, to accept what I can’t change, and to learn to live through it with hope that someday—someday, He’ll bless me yet again.
Little feet rest against mine planted firmly on the wooden plank when I gaze down and see Nick looking at me. He’s thinking while his eyes are stripping me of the tight defense I have wrapped around my heart. His gray eyes disarm me.
“You’re sad too? Can we be sad together?” His small yet brave voice asks while I try to clear my throat to say something—anything.
“I guess,” I dejectedly say, frustrated he wants to talk to me instead of my parents.
Nick scoots a little closer and leans forward with his elbows on his knees, copying me. I look down at him as he looks up at me, both of us sizing each other up. I squint my eyes, and he does the same thing. I run my hand through my hair and seconds later he copies me.
“I’m sad because my mommy went to Heaven.”
I don’t want to share anything with this boy, but for some odd reason, something is pushing me to. I’m resisting, but the need is so potent my mouth moves and so does my heart.
“My son did, too.” Oddly enough, once the words leave my mouth, there’s pain tugging on my heart, but no tears this time. I don’t know if it’s because I’m sharing the pain with a six year old, but the innocence and level of understanding he has shown about his own loss is very contagious.
He scrunches his brow in deep thought, licks his pink lips, and looks up into the sky. Then, he stands, walks down one step, and faces me. We look into each other’s eyes, his determined gray ones versus my defensive green ones. No one blinks, but deep inside I want to look away—to surrender because his heart is stronger than mine. I miss my son so much, I ache every day.
“Do you think they can find each other?” He cocks his head then goes on, “I want my mommy to find him so they can be together.” He stops and grabs my face with his cold little hands. “And, then we can be together.”
I couldn’t really answer, not that the answer is no, but this child instantly disarmed and confused me. It’s something I can’t explain . . . a feeling, maybe a craving to be with him . . . to take care of him. To listen—to hold him. . . . something. But, what he said next . . . what he showed me next slayed me.
Squinting his eyes this time and moving his lips to the side, weighing things out as he reaches for something in his pocket—the picture. A picture he looks at with so much love and awe I can’t wait for him to show it to me, though I already know what I might see.
“Can you help me find my angel?” He takes a deep breath and excitedly continues. “My mommy said she’s the nicest person on Earth besides Nonna. She’s so pretty, I want her to be mine.” He stops again, looks sideways, covers his mouth to whisper, “Shh, don’t tell anyone; my mommy said I’m too young to have a girlfriend.”
“You’re calling my mama your grandma?”
“Yup. She told me like forever ago,” Nick says as he rolls his eyes at me appearing slighted.
“Can I see the picture, now?”
Nick pulls the picture to his chest and says, “But, you can’t like her. Promise?”
“Why? Because you want her as your girlfriend? You should listen to your mommy, buddy.”
“Gross! I don’t want her as my girlfriend. She’s my angel. Mine.” He smiles, then squints his eyes at me. “Promise?”
“Scouts honor, buddy.”
As soon as I see the picture, I smile for the first time since my son died because the three by five card I’m holding captures a smiling Tami. How I miss that smile—the smile that lights up my world. I look up to find Dominic with the same plastered grin on his face, apparently Tami is lighting up his world, too.
“She’s my angel,” Nick confidently says.
Just like that, I know deep inside me that Heaven has given me a gift. Silently I say, she’s my angel too . . . has been and forever will be my angel while my eyes never leave the little boy that has somehow melted the pain coating my heart.
TAMI
“YOU WANT TO MEET NICK, T?”
I shake my head no because it means I have to get dressed and leave my sanctuary. It’s only been two months, but who’s counting? I enjoy the world I’ve created inside my new house.
“Jake is having an impromptu pool party. Jaelin wants you to make your famous chocolate cupcakes.”
“I don’t feel like doing anything, Brian.”
An exasperated sigh leaves his mouth. “You haven’t left this house since we moved in! Trish and Roxy have been calling, asking you to spend time with them. Time and time again you brush them off. I’m close to calling Neil, myself. Until when, T? Until when?”
I scoff at him, “Didn’t you say you weren’t going to ask me when?”
He stops and scoffs at me this time, “You’re right. I’m sorry, I forgot. I shouldn’t have asked. I just want to fix us, but I don’t know how. I want to help you forget, but I know . . . you need to work through the pain on your own. I’m not going to let you go, because we’re in this together. Either we sink or swim, and while you’re in sinking mode, I’ll keep us afloat.”
“Oh, so since I let you go, now you’re throwing it at my face?” I yell out.
Slowly, he nods, not hiding the sadness that coats his face. “I guess I am. Just because it worked for me, it doesn’t mean it’ll do the same for you. You like to talk things out, Tami. But now . . . now all you’re doing is hiding. And, what kills me is you’re hiding from me, too. I suppose, I did that to you.” Scoffing at me he adds, “I guess, we’re even now, huh? When you feel you can’t do it alone, I’m . . . I’m right here.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Me too.”
He walks off, and I drift away into my own little world looking outside where life continues to go on. But for now, I’m fine drifting since it lulls me into my comatose state. Our king size bed is next to a bay window that overlooks the entire backyard where I can see the pool, the garden nook with a wishing well next to a tree that has star shaped lights.
My peaceful scenery is now disturbed by my family milling about in the backyard. Pots clanging in the kitchen, and people talking disrupt the quietness of my world. How dare my husband bring the party here? I expect people to drop in and coax me to go out, or Cody make fish faces on the window, but none of that happens. They leave me alone.
I watch a live show of my family interacting with each other. Trish playing with the quads, Roxy rocking Corey while the boys are putting together what looks like a foosball table. My parents are talking to Brian’s, and I finally see the little boy Brian talks about. He’s following him like a shadow—constantly watching his every move and copying his every gesture.
Anger starts to fester in my heart because it should have been my son—Dominic should be occupying my husband’s attention. Fresh tears starts to form in my eyes, but I will them away. I fan the flames of anger instead of allowing my tears to flow like a river. I gaze away from my husband and the boy to concentrate on the tree lights illuminating the festivities outside. I know my anger is misplaced, but anger is better than numbness. . . . right?
I close my eyes when I feel the door open. Talking isn’t on my agenda—not today. Feeling someone staring at me causes me to open my eyes which I probably shouldn’t have, because gray loving eyes meet mine. My eyes are expressionless while his are filled with questions I’m not interested in knowing.
“You want some red velvet cupcakes?”
I don’t answer, instead I continue to look at the boy who’s been keeping my husband company in our son’s absence and mine. Thinking that he’s never going to leave, I close my eyes hoping he’ll get the message, but instead he does the unexpected.
A soft little hand touches my forehead, creating goose bumps in its wake. “Sleep with the angels . . . my angel.”
Feelings that had abandoned me many weeks ago begin to churn deep in my soul. My heart starts to move again because of a single touch and simple words from a child I silently brushed off moments ago. By the time I open my eyes, he’s gone. I look outside needing to catch a glimpse of him when my eyes finally find him—next to Brian.
Quickly, I jump out of bed, change clothes, and timidly walk outside in search of that touch that made me feel, again. My mom approaches me first, pulling me toward the girls who are eyeing me cautiously. Do I blame them? Not at all, but I admire them for not treating me any differently.
“Hey, T. Nice to see you.”
Trish pulls me in for a bear hug followed by Roxy, Carolina, Anna, Laura, and Neil. I give the quads and Corey each a kiss, which instantly makes me wish Dominic were with us while my eyes prickle with unshed tears.
“I miss your gorgeousness, Mama Coug,” Neil whispers.
“I’ve missed you so much, T. Neil’s been a bitch to be around,” Roxy mumbles while sticking her tongue out at Neil.
The first authentic smile now decorates my face after what Roxy said. I’ve missed being around them, and while I still find it painful to accept Dominic’s passing, the wind and the sun kissing my skin gives me a pinch of hope. I glance Brian’s way, his eyes are already aimed at mine. He mouths ‘I love you’ and smiles with his eyes telling me he’s proud I finally had the nerve to come outside. My eyes moves a little lower landing on the little boy’s face, but instead of him looking back, he moves closer to Brian, hugging his leg as he looks up at him.
“You want something to eat? I can fix you a plate.”
I turn to face Carolina. “A little bit of everything, thank you.”
Jake hugs me from behind, his lips landing on top of my head. “Glad to see you smile, T.”
Another set of strong arms cover me. “I’ve missed your face. My wife has been without her conscience to guide her.” I smile as Cody tells me Roxy’s latest escapades with Neil.
“I knew you’d bounce back, kiddo.” Lorenzo somehow manages to wiggle his way around Jake and Cody to whisper in my ear.
All too familiar arms welcome me and my body surrenders to their touch. “You’ve made my day complete, sweetheart. You make my heart skip a beat.”
“Dad.” I return his hug while I let his words sink in and accept the confirmation of what my heart just felt moments ago.
We all gathered around the table while I wait patiently on my husband who’s still talking to the boy. I can’t remember his name for some reason. Brian crouches down to the boy’s level while he continues to gaze my way, then back to Brian, all the while trying to listen to what Brian’s telling him. Giving up, I engage in conversation with everyone, then I feel Brian’s hand holding mine. I smile his way, happy that he’s next to me when a little hand reaches for my other hand which awakens my heart.
“Daddy said I can hold your hand, too.” Nick squints his left eye as he looks at me.
Everyone stops talking while a soft gasp escapes Carolina’s lips. I swing my gaze to Brian with a confused look on my face, then my eyes wander around the table. My dad offers me a smile of encouragement while Trish gives me an understanding look, and Roxy pleads with her eyes for acceptance.
It’s too much. My emotions are overflowing. One second I’m feeling happy, the next I want those little hands to be Dominic’s, then all too quickly I feel I’ve betrayed my own son for enjoying this boy’s touch—for craving this boy’s touch. A touch not coming from him, but from someone else.
Then, I run.
BRIAN
I allow Tami to escape. I’m not upset, but I need her to accept this on her own, not with me breathing down her neck. I need her to love this boy like I do. I need her to feel how Nick made my heart feel again. The feeling that only a child can pull out of a parent.
I choose to stay—I choose to stay with Nick to explain the reason why his angel left.
“Nick, you have to give her time, okay?”
He nods like he normally does. I feel bad for giving him permission to hold Tami’s hand, or even let him call me daddy. Not because I didn’t like it, but because I should have told Tami first. Denying Nick the love he craves . . . my heart just couldn’t do it. I’m waiting for the right time to tell my wife about my plan of adopting Nick. It’s a decision I’m pursuing with everything in me, because in my heart, Nick is a gift, a gift I want—a gift I can’t deny.
“I can’t call you Daddy anymore?” His sad tone nicks at my hearts.
I pull him on my lap as I whisper, “No, I love to hear you say it, Nick. Are you upset at her?”
He shakes his head and sighs. “When is she gonna snap out of it?”
Everyone around the table laughs at his statement which he most likely heard from Neil. It has been Neil’s constant mantra the whole time Tami has been in her state of aloneness.
“Nick, let me talk to . . .”
He interrupts me and says, “My angel?”
The name he calls my wife is more proof that my plan to adopt Nick is orchestrated by someone from above. I just hope Tami would be on board as easily as I’ve convinced everyone else.
“Yes. Just remember, she was my angel first.”
Smiling he says, “Nu-uh!”
“Ask everyone here. I’ve known her a long time.”
“She was Mr. Oliver’s . . .” Nick stops with lips quivering as he looks at Jack who nods his head. “ . . . I mean she was grandpa’s angel, first.” He whispers loudly, making Jack smile the smile that says the boy is right in his assessment.
Agreeing to appease him, I say, “I guess so.”
I run my hand through his hair as I turn to find my missing wife, but before I push the sliding glass door open, I hear Jack give me yet another affirmation of how right this whole thing is.
“You’d like Bria
n to be your daddy, Nick?”
“Yes, Grandpa.”
“Why?”
“Because he loves my angel.”
“Outstanding.”
I turn around to see everyone laughing, and Neil giving Nick a high five while Jack swings his eyes to me, giving me his seal of approval—nodding the way only Jack has perfected. With a light heart and a clear head, I go searching for my wife who probably locked herself in the bathroom, sitting under the shower.
“Tami, I’m coming in.”
She doesn’t answer which is nothing new. I slide down against the opposite wall facing her as the hot water washes away whatever negative thoughts are running through her brain. We sit there staring at each other, talking without speaking, and understanding without explaining.
“Do you feel it, too?” I softly ask as I nudge her foot with mine.
“I don’t want to forget Dominic.”
“I won’t let you, sweetheart. We can talk about Dominic whenever you want.”
“I don’t want to replace him.” Her sad eyes leave mine as her lips tremble.
“Who says we are? Nick isn’t a replacement, T. Why would you even think that? I love Dominic more than my own life, but my connection with Nick, I can’t deny it. I don’t want to deny it. He captured my heart from the minute he sat next to me telling me how you’re his angel. Is it too soon to decide on adoption? I don’t think so. I’m ready, T.”
“I feel the pull, too, so why do I feel guilty. Why?”
“Because you’re thinking Nick is a replacement. Nick is Nick . . . and Dominic is Dominic. Dominic is our son . . . he came from you and me. He grew inside you, and he died in your arms. We both love our Dominic. Will that love fade? No, because I won’t fade and neither will you. Now, Nick didn’t come from us. He didn’t grow inside you, but he aches to be loved by us—by you. He wants to be held by your arms and mine. Will you learn to love him? Yes, because you are you. The woman I married is capable of loving anyone.”
“I’m afraid.”
“Of what?”
“Of hurting again. What if he doesn’t like me? What if he can’t love me? What if I can’t love him?”
