by Carian Cole
"Like rabbits?" she asks in horror.
"Maybe..."
She looks like she's going to start to cry. "He better not be eating rabbits, Tor. Or we're gonna leave his ass out there."
"Rabbits are fast, I doubt he could catch one," I lie. "Maybe he's a vegetarian."
Giggling, she turns up the radio. "You're such a nut sometimes."
It takes us about fifteen minutes to get to the dirt road that takes us half way to the river, then we have to park the truck and walk the rest of the way. I grab the small cooler filled with fresh meat from the backseat and she grabs her backpack and we hike about a quarter mile to the first cage. We put on disposable gloves to remove the old meat and put it in a trash bag and then refill the cage. I check the hidden night vision camera to make sure it's still working while she takes a small box wrapped in brown paper out of her backpack and puts it on top of the cage.
"A book. I think he'll like it." She says when she notices me watching her. Nodding, I reach out and grab her hand while we climb over a fallen tree to get to the next cage. Kenzi likes to leave gifts for Ty for when he checks the cages. She leaves him books, CDs, little statues. I've seen him on the recorded feeds when he finds them. He holds whatever it is in his hands for a long time, just staring at it, sometimes gliding his fingers over it, before he shoves it in his coat pocket. I don't have to show her what I see on camera for her to know he appreciates it, because she doesn't care about that part. She just wants to give. Even though she hasn't seen him in a very long time, it means a lot to me that she's never forgotten him.
My two best friends gave me my third best friend. Kenzi is the greatest parts of her parents combined. She's got Asher's philosophical I-want-to-fix-everyone outlook and Ember's happy, free, no bullshit spirit.
Lately I've been wondering how she sees me. Now that she's older, I'm sure I don't come off as the hero who wipes tears and brings home bunnies like when she was little, and I kinda miss that. It was a cool feeling to have this little person view me as the one that made everything better for them.
After we check the second cage we make our way up the trail a ways to sit on a big rock next to the river, where we watch the water for a few minutes before she pulls a penny out of her pocket and grins at me before tossing it into the water. This has become a little tradition with us - making wishes.
"What did you wish for?" I ask her.
"Direction."
I narrow my eyes at her in confusion. "Direction? For what?"
"My future."
My fingers twirl my own penny between my thumb and forefinger. I can't throw mine until we talk about hers. That's the rule.
"I'm not sure what I should be doing, Tor."
"That's simple, Angelcake. Do whatever you want to do."
"But it's not that simple. I don't think I want to go to college."
"So don't. Your parents have never cared if you went to college or not. That's not important to them, they just want you to be happy."
She chews her lip. "I know. Dad says I can do whatever will make me happiest and give me peace of mind as he calls it."
"He means that, Kenz. Within reason, of course. You can't go off and be a stripper."
She smiles weakly, still stuck in her serious mode.
She touches her pink work boot to my black one. "I like the little bit of modeling I've done, but I really don't want that to be what I do with my life. And I really do love to write, like my grandmother. But again, I don't know if I could do that day in and day out for the rest of my life. And I love my calligraphy, but not many people will pay for handwritten wedding invitations and stuff like that anymore."
"You could do some modeling, and some writing and your calligraphy. You don't have to just do one thing. You can do lots of things. You can figure it out as you go, ya know. You don't have to make a plan right now. That's a lot to decide at your age."
"I know. I just feel like I want a goal, something to shoot for. Otherwise I feel lost."
"That makes sense."
She pushes her hair out of her face. "Can I tell you what I really want?"
"Of course."
She hesitates before she answers, her eyes cast down. "I want to get married, and have a family. I want to have a cute little house—not something big like Dad's house. Something small and cozy, with a porch so I can watch the kids play in the yard with the dog."
"A dog, too?" I tease.
"Of course. And I want to cook dinner and have a husband that comes home every night and sits at the table with me and the kids, and snuggles on the couch with me. I want that to be my future, Tor. I don't want a 'job'," she puts her hands up and makes the quote sign. "I want to spend all my time loving my family. And I'd really like to keep volunteering at the pet shelter with your mom. That makes my heart happy." She peeks up at me, trying to gauge what I'm thinking. "Is all of that dumb? Is it too fifties to want to get married and have kids?"
I laugh, but mostly to hide how she's got me choked up. She just described exactly what Ember told me she wanted a few years ago one night when we were up late talking while Asher was asleep. She didn't want the band life for either of them anymore. She wanted them both to be home, with Kenzi, and not on the road all the time being separated so much. She even wanted another baby, but mostly she just wanted them all to be happy and together.
Swallowing hard, I lean a little closer to her. "I don't think it's dumb at all, Angel. In fact, I think your mom is watching over you, helping you choose your direction." I wait for her to pull away and shut me out, because that's what she always does when we talk about Ember in the present tense. Kenzi can handle talking about her mother in the past, but not in the present or the future. This time she surprises me, her head snapping up, her eyes wide to meet mine.
"Really? You think she would want me to have that?"
"I definitely do."
Her eyes glisten with tears as she smiles. "That makes me feel better. Chloe thinks it's stupid and nobody wants to be a wife and mother anymore. At least not as their main goal in life."
"Do me a favor. Stop listening to Chloe and listen to your heart."
She throws her arms around me and hugs me. "You always make me feel better," she whispers into my neck. "No matter what, you say the right thing every time."
When she doesn't let go, I put my arm around her and hug her back.
"I try," I say softly, my fingers touching the ends of her silky hair. I've touched her hair many times, even brushed it and braided it when she was small, but I don't remember it feeling so soft.
Her breath is warm against the side of my throat, and for a moment I think I feel her lips against me. "You always smell so good. I don't want to let go," she says wistfully.
I hold her tighter, because lately she says all the right things, too. There's no way she could know that the innocent little comments she makes sometimes are everything I need to hear, but I hang on to the words anyway. Fuck it if they don't mean what I need them to mean, or don't come from the right person.
Four seconds. That's what I give myself. And then I slowly pull away.
"Your turn," she says, reminding me to throw my penny into the river and make my wish.
"It's getting dark, we should go." I move to jump off the rock but she grabs my arm.
"No, you have to make your wish first. Then we'll go."
Shaking my head, I toss my penny into the river. "Happy now? Let's go."
I jump off the rock and hold my hand out to her as she climbs down, then I grab the cooler and her backpack and throw it over my shoulder.
She brushes off the back of her jeans. "What did you wish for?"
"The same thing you did."
"Direction?" she repeats as we walk down the trail. "What do you need direction for? You have the business and the rescue. You have your house and your bikes. Your life is together."
"It's not as together as you think. Maybe I wanted what you want."
"A wife and kids? You?" She says
it like it's the most shocking thing she's ever heard.
"Yeah. Why is that so hard to believe?"
She looks down at the trail as we walk. "I don't know. Not hard to believe, really. But if you had those things, you wouldn't have been around as much. I can't even imagine that. I guess I always thought we were your family," she stumbles on a rock and grabs onto my hand. "I never knew you wanted more."
I squeeze her hand in mine. "Surprise. I did. I do."
"Well, then you should get it. Your wishes should come true, too. Not just mine."
"Yeah, maybe someday." I sigh and look around the woods. I'm not sure that's ever going to happen for me.
"So how come you never married Sydni? Or got more seriously involved with any of the other girls you've dated?"
"I have a hard time committing."
Her face flashes a look of distaste. "You mean you're a cheater? That's awful."
"No, I'm not a cheater, Kenz. I'm just waiting for the one that makes me feel like forever wouldn't be long enough."
"And you've never felt like that? Not even with Sydni?" She swats a bug out of her face. "Maybe that feeling just doesn't exist."
"I think it exists. I just think sometimes fate fucks it all up for us."
"Like what happened to my parents?"
"Exactly. Your parents had everything. And fate fucked them hard. I don't know what's worse - never finding the one, or finding them and then fuckin' losing them."
Her teeth work her bottom lip as she thinks that over. "I think losing them is worse than never knowing them at all."
"You might be right. Anyway, after a few months of dating, women start to want more. They start gawking at rings in the mall, talking about kids, moving their shit into my closet. And then I back off 'cause I don't want to lead them on, ya know? I don't want them to think something's there that might not be. But I don't want to lose them, either. I just never felt like I was ready to take the dive into more than just dating. Then when they sense that, they get all fuckin' pissed off, call me an asshole, and it's all downhill from there, Angelcake."
She sighs and doesn't speak for a few moments as we walk along the trail "You paint a grim picture, Tor. But I think your forever girl is out there. You just have to find her."
"Thanks for the vote of confidence."
"Remember when I was little I used to tell everyone I was going to marry you?"
"Yup. It's the first thing you told every girlfriend I had."
Her hand covers her mouth as she laughs, her cheeks turning pink. "Oh shit. I'm sorry, Tor. I was a pain in the ass, huh?"
I wink at her affectionately. "Kinda. At least you don't do that now."
"Maybe next time you bring a girl over I'll do it just to make you laugh and see the look on her face," she teases.
I don't say anything, because a part of me wants her to do just that. It was nice to have a girl stake a claim on me and be all prepared to go to battle for my heart. Even if she was only five.
3
Kenzi
Kenzi ~ age four
Toren ~ age nineteen
I put on one of my old Elvis CDs to listen to while I boil water for ravioli. It's one of the few things she'll eat now since she's going through a weird picky eating phase.
"When are mommy and daddy coming back home?" She tugs on the leg of my jeans and stares up at me.
"Tomorrow."
She points to the stereo. "Is this my Daddy singing?"
"No, Angel. It's Elvis. Do you like it?"
"Uh huh. Will you dance me?"
I smile down at her. I did her pigtails lopsided again, but I think it adds to her cuteness. "You wanna dance?"
She raises her arms up to me and I take her hands in mine. "Okay...step on," I tell her, and she puts her tiny feet on top of mine, and we dance around the kitchen with her giggling wildly.
"We're dancin’!" she squeals.
Kenzi
Almost my entire family has congregated at our house to see me all dressed up to go to my senior prom. My father, my grandparents, my great-grandmother, Rayne, Sydni, and Toren are all here to gawk at me. I'm so embarrassed with all the attention that I want to fall through the floor. They make Jason and I pose all over the house for pictures, and Jason has actually gained a few points for being so tolerant of the whole embarrassing ordeal.
"Okay, we really have to go, or the limo is going to leave," I finally say when I can't stand it anymore. "We still have to pick up Chloe and her date."
"The driver will wait," my father says, pulling me in for a hug as we walk toward the foyer to make our exit. "You look beautiful. Have a good time. And no drinking. Or drugs."
"Dad. Please."
Behind my dad, Tor is glaring at Jason with his you better not mess with our girl or I'll kill you face and I make a warning expression back at him to stop.
"We're going!" I announce, grabbing my bag. "I love you guys."
Taking Jason's hand, we make for the door and practically run to the limo waiting in the driveway.
"My God. I'm so sorry," I say when we get inside and the driver closes the door behind us.
"It's alright. Your family is cool."
"Yeah. A little overbearing sometimes, though."
"Be glad my parents are out of town or they'd want to be doing the same thing."
We stop to pick up Chloe and her boyfriend, Brendan, who's also good friends with Jason and she squeals when she sees me, gushing over how beautiful we both look.
I'm not a dress girl at all. I feel completely awkward, and honestly not very beautiful wearing this purple dress and insanely high heels that Chloe and Rayne talked me into when we went dress shopping a few weeks ago. I really want to go home and throw on an old faded t-shirt and ripped jeans and curl up on the couch with a book or maybe watch a movie and binge on chocolate and ice cream.
We had a plan to go to the prom, then go to Hampton Beach for the night and spend the day on the beach tomorrow, as most of our graduating class is doing. One of Jason's friends is supposed to drive us back home tomorrow night. We have two rooms booked; one for Chloe and I and one for the guys. But earlier today, Chloe threw a surprise change at me and made it clear that she and Brendan are taking one room for themselves so they can go at it all night like rabbits. This obviously leaves me alone in a room with Jason, which I'm trying to get myself mentally prepared for because I'm not sure if I'm ready. All day I wanted to call Jason and tell him I was sick and bail out of the prom completely, but I knew that would be unfair to him and then Chloe would get all crazy mad at me. Now it seems like everyone is looking forward to the prom and the beach and a nighttime rendezvous with their date. Except me.
I've never been alone in a bedroom with a guy before, let alone a hotel room, which is basically just code for sex room. Even though we've fooled around a few times over the past few weeks, I still don't feel like I want to rip Jason's clothes off, or have him rip mine off. I've tried to get in the mood with him and turn my brain off and my body on, but so far my body hasn't gotten on board with his groping and nipple manhandling. To me it all feels like a really deranged doctor is giving me an examination, and I can tell he's getting impatient with me stopping him every time he tries to go further. I'm not sure if him not dumping me by now is due to him actually liking me, or because now I've become a conquest for him.
The ballroom of the hotel has been turned into a magical dance floor surrounded by tables each with seating for six. We find our table, and just as I'm wishing I was a better dancer, Jason and Brendan are approached by a friend of theirs who flashes a bag of weed and a flask, and they disappear with him.
Chloe shrugs. "Don't worry; they'll be back."
Dinner comes and goes. Then dessert, and the guys still haven't come back. Our class president starts to announce the winners for things like most likely to succeed, best couple, prom king and queen, and I'm surprised when I hear that I was voted female with the prettiest eyes.
"Way to go, honey," Chloe ch
eers.
"Thanks," I look around the room, wondering if the guys are ever coming back. "This kinda sucks. We haven't even danced. You and I could have just come together. What did we need the guys for if they were going to ditch us anyway?"
"I'll dance with you."
I shake my head at her and laugh. "My feet hurt way too much to dance now. These shoes are awful."
"Guys hate the prom, Kenz. They just come to party. The real fun is after the prom." She takes a few sips of her red punch. "Are you going to be okay tonight?"
Letting out an aggravated sigh, I slip my shoes off under the table before answering her. "You could have told me this was your plan, Chloe. I really didn't want to be trapped with him alone in a hotel room."
"God. You make it sound like it's terrible. Why can't you just enjoy yourself? Just let it happen and get it over with. I figured this was the best way to do it, like pushing you into the deep end of the pool."
"I didn't want my first time to be with some guy who's drunk and high."
She rolls her eyes. "I'm pretty sure it's like that for ninety percent of the population, Kenzi. You've been reading too many books. Trust me, your first time is not going to be some epic earth-shattering experience. Drink a little first, or smoke a joint. It'll be easier if you're loosened up." She giggles at her own words. "Loose in several ways!" she laughs.
I shake my head and look away from her to watch a couple whose names I can't remember dance in the center of the dim dance floor. She's smiling up at him, and him down at her, their arms wrapped tightly around each other. They look happy and in love. That's what I want.
"I think I'll pass on being loose," I say.
When my parents used to bring me on tour with them, I was around drunk and stoned people all the time, and those memories have snuffed out any interest for me to ever drink or do drugs, for any reason. I like to be in control of how I'm acting and the decisions I'm making.
Another half hour goes by before the guys finally show up, their eyes bloodshot, both of them laughing at nothing remotely funny.
