by Carian Cole
I carefully lift the watch from its white satin pillow and turn it in my hand, the light catching the sparkling diamonds. The glittering gems always fascinated me when I was younger; I used to call them tiny stars.
"Dad...are you sure?" I ask with uncertainty. I'm not sure I should accept this when Mom isn't here to give it to me herself. I can't bear the thought of doing anything that would upset her, or taking something that meant so much to her.
He nods, his eyes dark pools of emotion. Love. Sadness. Pride.
"I'm positive, Kenzi. She always planned to give it to you on your eighteenth birthday. She wanted you to have it."
"Will you put it on for me?" I ask, handing it to him. My eyes are misty as he takes it from me and gingerly clasps it around my wrist. It's delicate and beautiful and a hundred memories of my mom wearing it flip through my mind.
"I promise I'll take care of it just like mom did." I say, wiping at my eyes with my napkin.
"I know you will, baby. She knew that, too."
I try to re-imagine this night if my mom was still here, and not trapped in a wakeless sleep. Her hair would be long and loose, and she'd have on a flowy blouse and cut off jean shorts, one of her favorite casual go-to outfits. She'd sit close to Dad and they'd hold hands and smile while they watched me opening my presents. I'd feel their love radiating from them like I always could, and I'd get that happy warm fuzzy feeling inside just being part of their little bubble. My mom would jump up in excitement after I opened the watch, and she'd put it on my wrist and kiss my cheeks and go on and on about all the things she had planned for us to do together. Mom was always so excited about me growing up and being her best friend.
"I heard you had lunch with Sailor while you were out in Maine." Dad suddenly says with a hint of rare displeasure.
"Yeah, he has family nearby. Kind of a small world. We had lunch and then drove around talking. I'm designing a tattoo for him."
He pushes his hair off his face and fixes a thoughtful expression at me. My father has shifted into thinking mode, which may or may not go well for me.
"Are you two dating, then?"
"I saw him once, Dad. Geez."
"Once is a start."
I quirk my eyebrows up at him. "We're not dating. It was purely on a friendship level. He's really sweet, though, and he was very polite. He didn't even kiss me or ogle at me or do any sort of thing that would make you want to kick his ass. Okay?"
"Good." My father says.
"I'm eighteen now, Dad. You can't get nervous every time a guy pays attention to me."
"I can't help it. And I like Sailor, he's a good kid. But I think he's too old for you. He's travelled, he's in a new band, probably has lots of experience..."
My stomach contracts with nerves as my father continues to go on about the perils of dating a young musician, and I can barely pay attention to what he's saying. Sailor is in his early twenties. A far cry from Toren's thirty-two years. If my dad thinks Sailor is too old for me to be dating, he'll go totally loco if he finds out I have feelings for Tor that go way beyond friendship.
After the texting with Tor a few weeks ago, my dreamer mind had fabricated a scenario where Tor and I are happily dating and my father, all our friends, and family accepted us as a couple. This conversation is a major bitchslap back into the reality that the chances of that ever happening are nearly impossible, no matter how much we might be wishing for it.
"Hot damn," Chloe says. "I'd love to be the cheese in that sandwich." Rayne and I follow her gaze across my back yard to where Tor is talking with Sailor and Finn. We're sitting in chairs by the pool, catching up since I just got back from Maine. There's more people at the bonfire tonight since my father announced it was also to celebrate my birthday, which I really didn't want as I don't like being any sort of nucleus of attention.
"Seriously." Rayne agrees. "I don't know who's hotter. But it's basically a club sandwich since there's three of them. Let's do marry/fuck/kiss and figure it out."
"Ooh I love that!" Chloe squeals. "I'll go first." She narrows her eyes at the guys as her brain works them over. "I'd marry Sailor, fuck the hell out of Tor, and kiss Finn. And if Tanner was here, he'd be my alternate fuck. I can't get enough of him."
I almost choke on my soda at her words about Tor. He's mine. I fight the urge to jump out of my chair and claw her eyes out.
Rayne sits up straighter as she takes her turn analyzing the trio of men. "I'm going to have to marry Tor, fuck Finn, and kiss Sailor. And since we're adding alternates, I'd totally marry Tristan. That boy is so sexy and adorable. I could just eat him up." They turn to me. "Okay, Kenz. Your turn."
Of course now that it's my turn, Tor is walking over towards us with his sexy swagger, drink in hand, his muscular chest stretching the thin white t-shirt he's wearing.
"Why do you ladies look like you're up to no good?" He asks with a grin when he reaches us.
Chloe bats her eyelashes at him. "We're doing marry/fuck/kiss with you, Sailor and Finn with your brothers as alternates."
Tor lets out a chuckle. "Is that right?"
"Yeah, but Kenzi hasn't picked yet," Chloe adds. "You should know, I didn't pick you to kiss or marry, Tor. So you do the math. But Rayne picked you to marry."
Tor does a mock bow to Rayne. "Thank you, Rayne, for not treating me like a piece of meat. And Chloe, I don't think you could handle this." He winks at her and takes a sip of his soda.
"I'm up for the challenge," Chloe teases back, and I can feel myself burning up with jealousy over her blatant flirting. I don't want her or anyone else handling him.
"Well?" Chloe urges, poking my arm. "You didn't pick, Kenzi. You're the birthday girl, so you can have two alternates."
"I think I'll pass." I answer, glancing up at Tor. "I'm going to go get something to eat."
Rising, I walk across the yard to the deck to make myself a salad. I know Chloe is just playing around but it really struck a little green nerve in me. The mere thought of Toren having sex with another woman or marrying someone makes my heart hurt.
My phone vibrates in my pocket so I pull it out while I'm standing next to the table of assorted salads.
Tor: I want to know your answers
I look up and do a quick scan of the yard to find him sitting by himself next to a Tiki torch, his eyes on me. My heart beats skip under his gaze.
Me: You're my pick for everything.
Tor: You would be mine, too.
Me: I think Chloe has a thing for you :/
Tor: Who's Chloe?
I smile at my phone and then sneak a peek back at him. He flashes me a devious smile and waves.
Shaking my head, I take my plate over to the gazebo, where my dad is singing and Sailor is playing guitar. My dad's younger brother, Mikah, is playing percussion on small conga drums behind them, which I love the sound of. I sit in a nearby lawn chair and eat my salad as I listen to their unplugged version of an old love song.
"I used to be a musician too, ya know. If that's what you're into." He suddenly whispers in my ear, dragging the nearest empty chair over next to mine.
"Once a musician, always a musician," I retort. "It's in your blood. And I'm not into musicians. I'm into someone who can make me feel."
He plucks a cucumber slice out of my salad and chews it slowly. "Feel what, exactly?"
I shrug. "Everything. I want to experience everything and feel everything."
"Everything is a dangerous path, Angel."
"Not if it's with the right person."
He holds my eyes for a few moments before breaking contact. "You actually look older to me now. I'm not sure if it's because I haven't seen you in two months or if you changed while you were gone. But you look older to me."
"Maybe it's because you allowed yourself to think about what you would do to me, as you put it."
"Jesus, Kenzi," he whispers. "Don't bring that up here. We're surrounded by your family."
"No one can hear us over the music. There's not even a
"I don't care. Just don't talk about it here."
Sighing, I turn my full attention to the band, my father’s voice like smooth velvet even sitting here in his back yard with no mic. I let my eyes shift over to Sailor, who smiles at me when he catches my eye.
And Tor sees it, too.
He leans closer to me, almost knocking his lawn chair over onto me. "What's up with you and him?"
"Nothing, why?"
"He just smiled his little pretty boy smile at you."
I laugh. "Really, Tor? You're all growly over a smile? I just had to witness Chloe practically getting on her knees in front of you. How do you think that felt for me?"
"As you saw, I didn't encourage her."
"Thank you. That would have gutted me."
"Where would Sailor fall in your marry/screw/kiss list?"
"That depends."
"On what?"
"On if you're one of the options."
"You're so naughty, Kenzi." He shakes his head and leans away.
"I refuse to consider Sailor in any way. Even for a game. You have my heart, and you know it. We can sit here and make a list of all the wrongs but it still won't change how I feel, Tor."
"Trust me, I know the feeling."
The song ends and Tor stands up. "I'm going to do something special, just for you." He says, and I watch with curiosity as he goes up to my dad, says a few words, then takes the guitar from Sailor, shooing him out of the gazebo like he's a puppy.
My father is all smiles as Tor drags a stool closer to him and then begins to play one of their oldest songs that my parents and Tor wrote together when they were teens.
To the best of my knowledge, Tor hasn't played in front of people since he left the band years ago. I'm pretty sure he doesn't play alone because the guitar case in his closet never looks like it's been moved. But the way he's playing the guitar so fluidly and perfectly right now is like he never stopped.
Sailor has taken the chair beside me that Tor just vacated, which I'm sure is only going to further agitate Tor's suspicion that Sailor might be interested in being more than friends, but I can't ask him not to sit with me.
"Whoa," Sailor says. "No one's heard Toren Grace play in years."
"I know," I say, not taking my eyes off the man who owns my heart and is now recapturing a dream he gave up, just to give me a glimpse of himself that I never got to see.
"He was one of my inspirations when I was younger. Storm is great too, they just have very different playing styles."
My dad’s brother Storm took Tor's place in the band after he had to leave when his father passed away, and Sailor is right - Storm is very talented and the fans love him. He slipped into the band with ease without causing a disruption to their songs. I'm still a little perplexed and slightly disappointed that everyone in my family has amazing musical talents except me.
The next song they play is the song that put them on the map and launched the band’s popularity. It's a ballad about losing your first love, and while I'm sure I've heard it at least a thousand times, this slimmed down acoustic version is raw and intimate, sending chills down my spine. I've always known Tor wrote this song, but before today I never wondered if there's personal inspiration behind it. Now, it's got me thinking. Other than Sydni, who has broken his heart? He didn't start dating Sydni until my mother introduced them, which was after this song was written. Was there someone else along the way he's never talked about? Or is it simply just a well-written, emotional song?
They play two more songs, and I'm practically hypnotized watching Tor play. I grew up watching musicians, quite a few were friends of my dad or other bands they toured with, but there is something erotic about watching a man you're attracted to play the guitar. The sensual words he typed in our text messages are on repeat in my mind as I watch his fingers move over the strings, wondering how they would feel touching me. That day he kissed me on the couch was the first and only time he ever put his hands on my body in any kind of sexual way, but the memory of the possessive way he pulled me onto him and the burn of his hand on the flesh of my lower back makes my insides quiver.
Later, my father and my grandmother bring out a huge cake blazing with candles and my dad sings a rocked out version of Happy Birthday to me like he does every year. A few people have left cards and gifts for me, but thankfully my father doesn't make me open them all in front of everyone like I'm five. I'd rather open them in private and then send hand-written thank you cards to everyone.
As it gets late our guests start to filter out, most of them coming to hug me and wish me happy birthday before they leave. I've been so caught up talking to everyone that I didn't get a chance to thank Toren for playing guitar for me. I walk around the back yard trying to find him, and finally walk around to the front to see if his truck or bike is still here, and my heart takes a nosedive when I see him standing by his truck with Sydni. I try to look away, but I can't. They're standing closer than friends would be, and her hands are on his chest, but not pushing him away. His arm is resting on the truck next to her head, as if he's going to lean down to kiss her. I so wish I could read lips because I can't hear what they're saying from where I stand hidden amongst the manicured bushes at the side of the house.
I jump when he suddenly slams his fist against the truck, and she pulls her hands away from him.
They're fighting.
I turn to walk away and trip over part of the stone landscape. When I look back, he's looking right at me. Our eyes lock and flash for a brief moment before I tear mine away.
Crap.
I beeline into the house, embarrassed at being caught spying on him. Could I be any more immature? Trying to avoid the guests in our kitchen, I go down the other hallway and run right into Tor who must have come in through the front door. Grabbing my arm, he quickly and discretely steers me into the laundry room and closes the door behind us.
I stare up at him, trying to catch my breath from walking too fast. Or maybe from being so close to him in this small space.
"What were you doing out there?" He asks. "Eavesdropping? That's not like you, Kenz."
I shake my head and try to find my voice. "No. I was looking for you so I could say goodnight and thank you for playing the songs for me. I haven't seen you play since I was a little girl. I guess I just wasn't expecting to see you with Sydni. I'm sorry."
"Don't apologize."
Backing up a few inches, he glances down at my legs. "You skinned your knee." He grabs a paper towel from a shelf next to the washing machine, runs some cold water on it from the sink, and kneels down in front of me.
He gently dabs at my knee with the paper towel, then tosses it into the trash. I wait for him to stand, but he remains kneeling in front of me, his hand on the spot behind my knee. Tor has fixed many booboos for me over the years, and maybe he's thinking of all those times, like I am right now. We've reached that odd moment again where the lines of who we are to each other have been blurred.
More like obliterated.
I reach out and move my fingers through his long hair, my nails grazing along his scalp, and he places a soft kiss right above my skinned knee before he finally stands, grabbing my waist and lifting me effortlessly up on top of the clothes dryer, moving to stand between my thighs. Without breaking eye contact he reaches behind him and locks the door.
"Nothing is going on with Sydni. She just likes to push my buttons and piss me off." His hands are on my waist as he talks, and I have no idea what to do with my own. Right now they're white knuckling the edge of the dryer.
"You don't have to explain, Tor."
"Yeah, I do. I don't want you thinking she and I are back together. Things are just getting really complicated."
"Does she think you're getting back together?"
"I don't know what goes on in her crazy brain but we are definitely not together. A few weeks ago we talked and she asked for another chance."
"What would that be then, the hundredth chance?" I ask, unable to hide my sarcasm, which is attempting to cover up my fear of her getting him back.
"Something like that. But that was before you and I...talked." He says nervously, his eyes shifting down between us and then back up to my face.
"So you're not going to give her another chance?"
"No." He shakes his head. "I can't even consider that when all I can think about is you, now can I?"
Finally, he's saying the words I've been waiting so long to hear.
"I can't stop thinking about you, either." I say, my voice shaking in tune with my trembling insides.
"I want to show you something. That's why I pulled you in here. It's kinda your birthday present."
I'm confused as he slowly lifts his shirt up, until my eyes land on his chest, right above his heart, where there's a new tattoo of the scribbled heart drawing I made for him when I was a little girl, with the words 'i love you the most' beneath it. My breath catches as I stare at it.
"When did you get that?"
"A few weeks ago."
He moves even closer and my heart tries to break free from my chest to jump into his as he leans in to whisper in my ear.
"Do you still mean it?"
"Yes. I always will." I say breathlessly.
He leans back to look into my eyes as he pulls his shirt back down. "Good. Because it's there forever now."
"I'll mean it forever. I promise."
On impulse, I lean forward and touch my lips to his for a stolen kiss, and he inhales sharply in surprise.
"'That's what I want. So fuckin' bad." He whispers with a raspy voice as he leans his forehead against mine. "Kiss me again. Then I have to get out of here."
His hands tighten around my waist in encouragement as he waits for me, and my insecurity kicks in, knowing he's waiting for it, wanting it, and not pushing me away. I don't want to disappoint him by kissing like an eighteen-year-old virgin.
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