by Carian Cole
I nod and drink more water.
I will not think about proposing to an eighteen-year-old girl.
"What? Is it all stupid?" She asks.
"God, no."
"Then why aren't you saying anything?"
"You just sorta amaze me sometimes, that's all. I love how your mind works." I put my water bottle on the rock next to me again.
"So you like my ideas?"
"No, I love your ideas. So will my mom."
She beams. "Really? I was going to talk to her next week."
"Seriously, she'll love all of it, Kenz. I'll even split the cost of the printer with you, how's that sound? It's a wicked cool idea for us to do that to help people. The faster the posters go up, the better chance they have of finding the dog."
She nods with excitement. "I like being able to do something that makes a difference, ya know? It makes me feel important and like I'm doing something that actually matters. I don't want to be the rich rock stars kid that does nothing. I want to help."
"Yeah. It's kind of an addicting feeling."
"It really is. And what about me working at the shop? Do you still want me to when Gretchen leaves?"
Yes, I want you with me every moment of every day of every year.
"I do but I have to admit, I think working at the Inn is way more glamorous and will give you more of a future. Why would you want to work in a dirty bike shop answering phones and doing mundane shit all day?"
"Because then I can be close to you. And it's your family's business. It's not just a random job to me. It means just as much to me as the Inn."
I nod slowly and listen to the rush of the water that's barely drowning out the screams in my own head. She's doing everything she can to be part of my life, and I can either let her or I can put a stop to it. I can end this all now and watch her run back to Maine. I know she'll be okay. She'll forget about me eventually and will meet someone her own age, and I'll move on and find someone who isn't her and we'll both be fine. Things will go back to how they were before.
Right. Keep telling yourself that and maybe you'll believe it.
"Let's think about it," I finally say. "I want you to do what's best for you, and not do things just so you can be near me. No matter what you choose, we'll still see each other. Maine is a nice, easy ride. I can visit you whenever we want to spend time together. You don't have to get involved in all my stuff just to see me."
"I know that, but I want to be involved in your 'stuff'. And not just to see you. It's more than that. I wouldn't get involved with the shelter and work at your shop just to stalk you, Tor. I'm not that crazy."
Chuckling at her stalker comment, I grab her hand and thread our fingers together. "I know you're not. I just want what's best for you. That's all."
"I want what's best for you, too. I want you to be happy."
That statement throws me. "You don't think I'm happy?"
She tilts her head and quirks the corner of her mouth as she thinks about that. "Honestly? Not really. I don't think you are. I watch you a lot, like at the bonfires, and I hardly ever see you smile. You've always kinda have this dark broodiness about you."
"Dark broodiness?" I repeat, slightly offended. "Get outta here. You've been reading too many of your grandmother’s romance books."
She smacks my shoulder playfully. "Don't make fun of me. I'm being serious."
"Then don't call me dark and broody. Fuck. At least give me some better words."
"Hmmm..." she studies my face, seriously trying to come up with words to describe me. "Okay, I'm gonna go with tortured and romantic." She says triumphantly.
"Wow..." I look away from her, not really wanting her to see that she's so right that it hurts.
"What? You don't like those words either?"
"I think you're pretty spot on. As usual." I keep my eyes on a butterfly fluttering around by the waterfall. It reminds me of her, so beautiful and free, innocently playing so close to something that could suck her right into its depths and consume her.
"How would you describe me?" Shyness laces her voice, which is not something I hear in her often.
Taking a deep breath, I turn to face her. "There's a million words I could use to describe you, Angel. We could be here for days. Weeks, even."
She giggles. "Just pick two like I did."
Damn. If I pick the wrong words I could hurt her feelings and I don't want to ruin the good day we're having. She watches my face with hopeful anticipation as I search my brain for exactly the right words.
"Okay. I have three."
"I get a bonus word?" She asks.
"Yes, because you're that special. So, I'm gonna go with enchanting, adorable, and loving."
She breaks out into a huge smile. "Enchanting! I love that! I sound like a magical fairy!"
"Something like that."
Leaning closer to me, she kisses my shoulder, her mouth so close that I can smell the strawberry gloss on her lips and I want to taste it so bad my mouth is practically watering. She wore same stuff the day I kissed her on the couch. The taste stayed on my lips for hours afterward, tantalizing me long after she stormed out and slammed the door in my face. I ache to push her down on this rock and kiss her again right now but I'm fighting that hard. I wanted today to be a day of us spending time together alone and just enjoying each other without any sexual or emotional turmoil.
I was stupid to think that could happen, though, because I can't be within twenty feet of her now without wanting to kiss every inch of what I glimpsed in her pictures. Or wanting to just stare into her eyes for hours on end and tell her how much I love her.
Now she's looking out at the river in front of us with a faraway daze in her eye. A few strands of her golden hair have come out of her braid from the ride and are blowing lightly across her cheek. She looks beautiful.
"It's so pretty and peaceful here," she says dreamily. "Don't you wish we could live here, up in the mountains in a little log cabin with the sound of the water around us?"
"Yeah. I do."
"It might even be better than the little house with the porch and the picket fence." She adds.
"They both sound great, Angel. And I have no doubt you'll have one or the other. Or maybe even both someday."
She turns to me. "It would only be great if you lived in them with me."
I try not to fall off the ledge we're sitting on. I hate that she has the ability to completely rock me with just words.
"You're only eighteen, Kenz. You've got lots of time to think about where you want to live and who you think you want to live with, trust me."
She lets out a short huff. "You're never going to think of me as an adult, are you?" She accuses, trying to pull her hand out of mine. I hold onto her, not letting her go.
"That's not true, Kenzi. I do see you as a beautiful, mature, sensual woman. But I also see the little girl I watched grow up, and sometimes it’s hard for me to not see her when I look at you. It's hard for me to let her go. You have to cut me a little slack and try to understand that."
She nods and chews her lip. "I'm sorry. I know this is harder for you than it is for me in a lot of ways. I guess I'm a little bit of a brat; I just want to be with you and forget everything else. So that probably is my immaturity showing."
"I wouldn't say it's immaturity. I mean, how can you help yourself when I'm so fuckin' insanely irresistible, right?" I joke, trying to lighten up the mood.
Her mouth falls open and she starts to laugh. "Look at you, all in love with yourself." She teases. "It's true though. There's definitely something about you, Tor. Every girl I know drools over you."
I lift our hands up and press my lips against her knuckles, holding her hand there. "I really only care what you think. They don't see me like this. Only you do."
Her hand starts to tremble with nervousness in mine, and I wonder if things ever went further with us if she would be a shaking bundle of nerves. I have to admit, a part of me likes that I make her so shaky. It makes me w
"Can I ask you something personal?" She asks.
"Sure." I kiss her hand again and wait for the shaking. One...two...shaking starts. My cock hardens like a rock in my jeans wondering where else she's quivering.
"You're not like this with anyone else? This sweet?"
"No. Not like I am with you. Not even close."
"I'm glad," she says. "I know I'm being a brat again, but I want that part of you all to myself."
"Well, you got it."
Her eyes settle on my mouth as it rests against her hand, and she licks her lips, wanting me to kiss her. I can feel it emanating from her like white heat.
I fight the temptation. "Just so you know...I'm not seeing anyone else. And I haven't been physical with anyone in a long time. I don't want you feeling like some side toy for me."
Her gaze shifts up to lock with mine as she absorbs my words, and I watch the way the color of them changes in the sunlight from light green to a deep forest green.
"Are we seeing each other?" She asks, her voice wavering.
"I think we're way beyond seeing each other in a lot of ways, Kenzi."
"What are we, then?" I can barely hear her over the sound of the water, and I almost wish I hadn't. I don't know the answer to that question, and that's what's been shredding up my insides for months.
"I'm trying to figure that out, love." I answer quietly.
That seems to satisfy her for now as she nods slowly and then looks back out at the water, but I feel like I have to say more.
"The thing is...I'm afraid of how much I want you. And need you. I want a lot, Kenzi. And with you, I think it's going to be way beyond anything I've ever felt before."
"Is that bad?"
"I honestly don't know. But I do know I'm looking for my last relationship, and you haven't even had a first yet."
"I already told you I want you to be my first and last everything, Tor," she says softly. "I meant it."
"I know that, and I want to believe it. You have no idea how much I want to."
She sighs, the tiny vein in her temple throbbing in frustration over my doubts, but I can't lie to her. I'm not at a stage in my life where I want to go through a fling or deal with indecision several months down the road.
"Did you bring our pennies?" She questions.
I grin and let go of her hand reluctantly to dig into my front pocket, taking out the two coins I brought with me. "Of course I did."
"Can we do something different this time?"
"Okay..."
She takes one of the pennies from me. "Let’s wish for the same thing at the same time. Then hopefully it will come true." Her eyes glimmer with hope just like they did when she was a little girl and would talk about exciting things that she couldn't wait to see or do. One of the things I've always loved most about her is her never-ending hope and positive outlook that she inherited from her father.
"I like that idea. What are we going to wish for?"
"To live happily ever after. Together."
A hard lump forms in my throat at the realization that there isn't anything in this universe - wishes or otherwise - that's going to allow that dream to come true. I'm most likely going to be the first guy to break her precious heart, even though that's the last thing I ever want to do. Maybe this was my role all along...to be the one to make her feel everything for the first time, both good and bad. Maybe I'm supposed to guide her through life and do my best to lessen all the blows for her. Maybe I'm her safety net.
"We're not a fairytale, Kenzi."
Her hand clenches around the penny defiantly. "We can be, Tor. You just have to believe in it enough."
"Real life doesn't work that way. I wish it did, believe me. I want that more than I've ever fuckin' wanted anything."
"Then just do it," she begs. "For me?"
Of course. I'd do anything for her. So I agree.
We tossed our two tarnished pennies into the water while we stood on the edge of the river, holding onto each other’s hands for dear life and wished (make that begged) to live happily ever after. Together.
I didn't realize when we first sat down that this is the exact place where her own parents’ fairytale ended, or I never would have brought their daughter here. I would have kept walking further up the mountain if I had realized it sooner.
23
Tor
Kenzi ~ age fourteen
Tor ~ age twenty-nine
"Kenzi Valentine?" I look up from the test I'm taking at the woman standing at the door of my classroom saying my name. I recognize her as working in the principal’s office.
"Can you come with me?" She asks when we make eye contact.
"Um...okay." The other kids in my class watch me as I shove my book in my backpack and grab my bag, some of them whispering as I make my way through the desks to the door. My teacher takes my test from me as I near her desk.
"Don't worry about the test, Kenzi. You can make it up."
"Is something wrong?" I ask the woman as soon as I get out into the hall. "Did I do something?"
"No, nothing like that. Your aunt and uncle are here."
My aunt and uncle?
As we walk down the empty hall towards the office, Uncle Toren and Aunt Sydni come into view, waiting for me in the front lobby. I can tell immediately by their somber faces that something is very wrong.
"Kenzi..." Aunt Sydni says, taking a few steps forward. "There's been an accident. Your grandmother asked us to come get you."
My breath hitches in my throat and my blood goes cold as my mind flips through the rolodex of everyone I love...MommyDaddyGramGreatGramPopChloeTalonStormRayneLukasMikahKatherineVandal.
"Wh-What do you mean?" I ask, searching both of their faces.
Uncle Tor pulls me into his arms and hugs me tightly, his breathing ragged. He's got grease on his clothes, hands, and a smudge on his face, meaning he came right from work without any time to change or wash. And Aunt Sydni's wearing sweatpants and no makeup like she just got out of bed. It's clear they came here to get me in a rush.
"What happened?" I ask, my face still buried in Tor's chest. "Who is it?"
"It's your mom," He pulls me away to look into my eyes, his hands moving to my shoulders, squeezing them gently. "I'm sorry, Angel. It's not good. We're going to take you to the hospital. Everyone is there."
His eyes are bloodshot and puffy, and so are Aunt Sydni's, meaning they were both crying before they got here. Now they're wearing fake, weak smiles, trying not to worry me, but I can tell something awful has happened.
As Aunt Sydni signs the form to take me out of school, I cling to Uncle Tor, my body shaking uncontrollably. I want to ask what happened but I can't get my mouth to work.
"Is she dead?" I finally force in a hoarse whisper.
"No, sweetheart. But I can't lie to you...it's bad," His strong arms go around me again. "I promise I'll stay with you. We'll get through this together. Everything will be okay."
Tor
During the ride back home, her hand slips under the front of my shirt and rests against the skin right above the waistband of my jeans, every so often feathering up towards my chest or across my rib cage, slowly exploring me. I should tell her no groping when we're riding but I'm enjoying her touch way too much to make her stop. On the easy, straight roads I reach back and run my hand down the outside of her leg, her thighs squeezing tighter around me as she presses her body closer to mine.
We pull over at an ice cream stand so she can use the restroom, and then sit at a picnic table to enjoy ice cream cones in the shade. We watch a couple with triplets who look to be about five years old attempt to eat theirs, but end up mostly wearing them. We can't stop ourselves from laughing and the mother laughs with us. "Wait ‘til you two have your own," she says jokingly.
Christ. They think we're a couple. Maybe the age difference between us isn't as visibly obvious as I thought it was.
"Do you still want kids, Tor?" Kenzi asks. When I turn away from the messy little kids to answer her, her tongue is swirling around the vanilla ice cream, her lips all creamy, and my brain short circuits watching her. I'd do anything to have her lips and her tongue on my cock just like that. Or anywhere on my body.
"Earth to Tor?" she says, giggling, nudging my leg with her boot.
"Huh?" I drag my eyes away from her mouth. "Kids?"
"Yeah."
"Someday, yeah."
"You'd make a great dad."
"Think so?"
"Definitely. Look how good you were with me all the time when I was little."
No. I can't think about that. Thinking about that makes me feel sick and twisted. I can't think about shoving my cock into her mouth one minute and then remember rocking her to sleep when she was a baby the next. Standing, I throw the rest of my cone in a garbage can buzzing with flies. What the fuck am I doing with her? Why am I playing with fire and tempting us both with something we can't have? I wonder if I should see a therapist about this mess I've got myself into, to help me figure out if what I'm doing is completely fucked up or if it's actually acceptable if we both want it. And we're both consenting adults now. And we love each other.
But she's still my best friend’s daughter. Regardless of all those other things, that fact will never, ever change.
She wants to see the dog and the kitten, so I bring her back to my place instead of straight to her house after our ride. I didn't tell her about the kitten; I surprised her by letting her come over to clean when she got back from Maine, and the kitten was sleeping on the couch when she got there. She called me at the shop all crazy excited after she saw her and I told her about how I found the kitten in a box on the side of the road. Originally, I thought the kitten was a boy, but it's actually a girl. Needless to say, Kenzi fell immediately in love with the kitten just like she did with the dog.
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