Since that first day last fall, she’s been the one constant in my fucking world. Every dance we had that final year, she was with me. Graduation, when my mom couldn’t be fucked showing up and my dad was behind bars, she was there sitting in the crowd in the prettiest fucking sundress I think I’ve ever laid eyes on. She was even standing by my side when I had to go to court.
I told her the truth last year. I was living in a world with no sound and now that she’s with me, all I can hear is her. And I’m determined now that I’m home, to make sure she never spends another day doubting that.
It’s time to fall in love with Cadence all over again.
Cadence
I’m the worst girlfriend in existence, I’m sure of it.
We left the doctor’s office and I could see the change in Dillon. He was a whole lot happier when he left then he had been when he walked in, and the reason for that was obvious. He’d bought in to everything the doctor said to us and had hope.
The right thing to do would have been to let him have that hope because the way it lit him up was amazing to watch, but I couldn’t do it. Not when I knew the truth.
I might be a prime candidate for this and it could very well change my life forever if it works, but there was still the unspoken reality that it could completely backfire and I’d be stuck this way forever.
It’s not only his hopes I’m worried about crushing, but my own too.
Three times I’ve been in this exact position and something always pushes me away. Fear of the unknown, fear of something happening during surgery, coming out different then when I went in. It all bundles itself together until I feel like I’m choking and the only thing that stops it is me saying no and walking away from the first real chance at hearing that I’ve had since I was born.
What makes it even worse is that Dillon isn’t the only one who has hope in this. Since he dropped me off and had dinner with us, being there with me when I finally broke down and told my mom where I spent the last few hours, it’s clear she’s got hope too. It makes all of this even harder to take.
I want this. I want to be able to hear, not only for Dillon—even though he is a big part of it—but for me, my parents and countless other people too. I want to see all of the positive things my doctor mentioned, but no matter how hard I try, I can’t do that and the more time I spend with him, it’s clear that it’s not only the implants that are bothering me.
Everything else is too.
Dillon’s assurances in the car should have been enough for me, but they’re not. We haven’t had the easiest road to a relationship, so despite knowing how he feels about me, I’m still doubting him and where this is going.
When he’s going to realize what he’s gotten himself into and bail out.
“You’re doing it again.”
“Doing what?”
“Frowning.” he says as he runs his finger across my jaw and over my chin, his body relaxed, but his facial expression obviously affected. “Are you still stressed about what the doctor told us?”
“No.” I reply, solidifying my answer with a shake of my head. It’s not exactly a lie because I don’t feel stressed. I am worried though and that’s where it feels like I’m keeping something from him because it’s my chance to admit it and I don’t.
“Okay, so if you’re not thinking about that, then there’s got to be something else going on in that pretty little head of yours that you’re not telling me. The only one allowed to frown that much is me. I’m not sure how I feel about you stealing my thunder.”
He does this a lot. Senses my moods even before I have expressions to match and coming up with ways to break the stranglehold they have on me. He likes to say that I’m the one that calls him on his bullshit and never lets him get away with anything, but he has no idea just how often he does the same for me.
He might do it more.
It’s one of the reasons it’s so easy to love him.
“Why did you agree to only seeing me once a month when you were in Toronto?”
“You know why. We talked about this.”
“Did you do it just to placate me?”
“No.” he answers almost the second I’ve finished my question. “What is this really about?”
“It’s nothing.”
“I don’t believe that. You never say anything unless there’s a meaning behind it. You never waste your breath.”
It wasn’t all that long ago that I wouldn’t let anyone hear me speak because I didn’t like the way most people reacted. I had the same issue with him when I first met him, so the way he talks about me not wasting my breath, he’s right because the only thing I used my breath for was to breathe.
“When I got the scholarship to play in Toronto, you never once fought me on it even though I was kind of hoping you would. I wanted to see you fight for me to stay here because it would have meant you wanted me around. Needed me around. When you were completely okay with me going, I started really thinking about why that was and it made sense. So yes,” he pauses, tapping his chin. “I agreed to your terms, but only because things between us were so fucking great that I didn’t want to stick around and find a way to screw it up.”
“You wouldn’t have screwed things up.”
“Yes, baby, I would have. What we had that night at the ravine was fucking magic. For some reason we managed to keep that up for months after. We were with each other practically every damn second and it felt amazing, which meant that eventually something would have happened. I would have done or said something and made it implode.”
“You really believe that?”
“You don’t? Come on. We didn’t see eye to eye on something that looking back, I can totally see clearly now, and I ran off to get my ass kicked. I’m still a work in progress here. I wasn’t willing to break us just because I missed the hell out of you.”
“If I asked you to come home more, would you have?”
“In a heartbeat. No question.”
This a side of Dillon that for a really long time the rest of the world never got to see, but that after a couple of days with him so many months ago, was crystal clear to me.
When he cares about something or someone, there’s not much that can stand in the way of it. He’s vocal about it; truthful, laying everything he has on the line. For a long time my mom, other teachers, even his friends used to think he was heartless. But they were wrong because he has one of the biggest hearts I know and he loves fiercely with all of it.
He would have come home had I spoken up about it before he transferred back, and everything he told me in the car a few hours ago was the truth too.
Dillon doesn’t care that I can’t hear and that our methods of communication always come back to paper, texting or lip reading. He cares even less that I’m two years younger than him and in order to see me he’d have to willingly walk back into a high school every day. He knew all of that before he even fell for me, and despite the fear I have that he’ll somehow wake up and walk away, I know deep down that it’s never even crossed his mind.
He’s been with me every single day since that night at the ravine, and for him that’s everything.
“I love you, Rocky.”
He grins and his face takes on a shade of color that doesn’t happen nearly enough, and whatever tension was alive in the moment, it’s beginning to fade with my use of the nickname I gave him after the night at the ravine.
“I just want to go the distance with you, Adrian.” He jokes, laughing when he catches my smile. “I love you more, Caddy.”
Done with talking, more interested in laying my head on his shoulder and enjoy the comfortable silence that surrounds us, he seems to have the same idea as his arm comes out around me until he’s pulling me closer into him.
Bringing his arm all the way around until both hands are in my sights, I feel his chest begin to rumble, speaking words that from my vantage point I’ll never be able to see or hear, which only makes me focus even more on my need to go through wi
th the implant surgery.
“You own every piece of me, Cadence Taylor, and if you let me, I’ll spend the rest of my life proving to you that you’re the only thing left worth fighting for.”
It’s only when his hands start moving to match, the words coming effortlessly as he places his lips tenderly on the top of my head, that my heart and mind settle. He’s proving again why he’s the one I chose.
Dillon hears me and neither one of us has to make a sound.
Chapter Two
Dillon
It doesn’t matter where the fuck I go or what the hell I try to do with my life, it always lands me right back here.
The only difference this time around is I’m a little older and a hell of a lot less mind fucked. I still look at everything like I’m in the fight of my life, but it’s not a physical one. That part of my life is over and if I have any say, that’s how it’s gonna stay.
Too bad my mom didn’t get the memo.
You’d think with my dad getting arrested, she would get a clue and finally give up on her stupid belief that I’m misguided and Dad didn’t do the evil shit he’s been put in jail for. But anyone who thinks that clearly doesn’t know the same woman I do.
Even a year later, Bruce having gone on trial and multiple people testifying against him, landing him a life sentence for criminal mischief, she still believes the man can do no wrong. They’re not even married anymore and she’s still acting like the perfect little stepford wife.
Rebecca Murphy is a lost cause and I should know. Until I finally woke the fuck up, I was just like her. Worse. The lowest of the low. A weak piece of shit that was so brainwashed I actually believed bullying was the right thing to do.
Yeah, you heard me. I was the worst kind of asshole until a spitfire with brown hair and chocolate eyes gave me one hell of a reality check.
If I thought it would do any good, I’d actually have Cadence standing here with me now, because if she could get through my thick head she could get through anything; even my doped out mother.
After Belle’s accident, I spent some time with Caddy and her mom before making my way back here and every day since it’s been the same recycled shit between us.
My dad is innocent, I’m completely misguided and it’s all that “deaf girls” fault. She’s ruined me. Turned me into someone my mother doesn’t even recognize anymore.
She’s lost her fucking mind. She hasn’t known me since she chose the pills over being a parent. Cadence didn’t turn me into someone wrong. If anything she just woke me up and made me realize what’s right, and I’ve been doing everything I can ever since to make up for six years of garbage.
An uphill climb with my mother.
Rebecca’s pulling her shit now though because when I got home she asked me where I’d been and with nothing to hide, I told her the truth. I was with Cadence and just like before I left for Toronto, it was something she was going to have to get used to.
“You know how I feel about that girl, Dillon. If you continue to completely disregard what I’ve told you, I will have no choice but to cut you off.”
Another thing she’s been repeating for days. What she doesn’t get is that she controls nothing. When the court seized all of Bruce’s accounts, what they didn’t keep for evidentiary purpose all went to me.
I’m the one in control and there’s not a damn thing she can do about it.
“You need to wake the fuck up, Mom. I’m nineteen. Even if you had a leg to stand on with Dad’s money, you don’t have one with me. Your threats won’t work.”
I don’t want to take a god damned thing from that asshole, but if she’s really going to make good on her threat to kick me out, I’m going to have to suck it up and deal. There’s no way she’s throwing me out on my ass with nothing.
“This is not you talking. It’s that girl. All she does is put her nose into affairs that are none of her concern. She twists you against the people that love you.”
“Love.” I scoff. “Is that what you’re calling it these days?”
“Despite what you think, I do love you and I only have your best interests at heart.”
There is no way in hell she’s getting off with this line of bullshit. It had taken a little bit of time, but right before the trial, I learned that all of the times I came home broken and beaten down, she’d known what was going on. She did nothing to stop it and standing here listening to her spout garbage instead of the truth is a no go.
Rebecca is not going to make light of her role in this.
I might have gone along with it, willingly throwing myself to the wolves, but turning a blind eye while it was all going on was even worse.
“You’re delusional.”
“I would think by now you would realize that name calling gets you nowhere.”
“It’s not name calling when it’s the truth. How many pills did you take before I got up this morning, Mom? Three? Six?”
“I don’t see how what I do is any of your business.”
Finally, something we can agree on. If what she does with her life is none of my business then it’s pretty damn obvious that what I do with mine is none of hers. The only reason I even came home at all was because I stupidly thought that with me spending months away it might have changed her. Smartened her up even though I knew it was a long shot.
Now that I know I’m right, this is over.
“I’m done, Mom. I tried. I came home thinking that maybe things could be different, but that girl you hate so much was right. You haven’t changed and I don’t think you ever will. You like having your fucking head in the sand.”
“I suggest you adjust your tone.”
No denial. Nothing. She’s just concerned with the bite in my voice. The oozing of bitterness that’s directed solely at her.
Unbelievable.
It’s times like this that I’m jealous of Kayden. I’d give anything right now not to be having this conversation. To not have her here at all.
And that’s why I’m an asshole. Because when it comes to Rebecca, I no longer give a shit. There’s no feeling there at all. I’m completely numb to it. Until she acknowledges how fucked she is, she’s never gonna change and I can’t stick around waiting for a day that won’t ever come.
“You think you’re giving me a choice. Pick Caddy and lose everything or pick you. The thing is, there was never a choice here because it’s always going to be her.”
“That’s the lust talking. You have no idea what you’re saying.”
The smirk she gives me, it’s a mirror image of the one I spent six years wearing. I know it well, hell; I fucking perfected that smirk. Even knowing her son already has one foot out the door, determined to leave and never come back isn’t enough to smarten her up.
She can look as smug as she wants, but the life she’s accustomed to living in this house and having all of the shit she’s accumulated over the years, it can fall like a house of cards with one phone call and it’s about time she realizes that.
The only one allowed to be smug here is me and even though it’s an asshole thing to do, I’m gonna make her see it.
“You either accept the very real thing I have with Cadence or you can kiss this house and all of your stupid shoes, handbags and other useless crap goodbye. You want the son you know back, well here he is.”
“You’re bluffing.”
“Try me.” I seethe the minute I see her eyes roll. “All it would take is a phone call and a couple of signatures and you’d be the one kicked out on your ass.”
“You wouldn’t do that. Ever since the trial you’ve done nothing but push away all mention of the estate and the money your father had put away.”
She’s right. I want nothing to do with anything remotely attached to Bruce, but right now, the part of me that no longer gives a shit about anything is winning out because I’d dance with the devil if it made her hurt.
No, I can’t think like that. That’s something the old me would have done. I’m better than that now.
I can still make her hurt, but not by kicking her out on her ass.
This isn’t even about the money or the house anyway. It’s not even about her idle threat of kicking me out if I don’t do things the way she wants me to. This is all about her hatred for the way I am now, which she’s taking out on Caddy.
If I want to hurt her, I need to be the one leaving, not the one doing the kicking. If she cares as much as she claims to about the little boy she still sees me as in her head, then me walking away is going to be the thing that does the most damage.
I can’t believe I didn’t think about it sooner.
“You asked me to make a choice, telling me that what I have with Cadence is just lust and eventually I’ll grow out of it. Well, that’s not going to happen, so I think you’re right. I do need to leave.”
Just the way I expect, the minute her earlier threat is accepted, her tune changes and she’s all about making me believe she didn’t mean it. I’ve never hated narcotics so much in my life. She’s so up and down that not even a toddler can make sense of it and they’re notorious for being all over the place.
“I didn’t mean it, honey. You don’t have to leave.”
“Yeah, Mom, I do. I made a mistake coming back here when my transfer went through. I was doing the right thing before, not having any hope because the small bit I did have for you, well; you ruined it. You’re never going to change and I can’t stay here and watch you get even worse.”
“You don’t know what you’re saying.”
“I know exactly what I’m saying. It’s never been clearer. As long as you continue to choose the pills and the numbness over any kind of relationship with me, I can’t stay here. You’re on your own. I’m done.”
It hasn’t happened a whole lot over the last year, but that feeling I had last fall when I did right by Cadence for the first time, it’s there again now as I turn my back on my mother and start walking from the room.
The same way it was with me, it’s happening with my mom right now. I can’t make her want to be better and do the right thing by me and everyone else. She has to want that for herself. Leaving her right now, even though there’s a small tinge of regret pulsating through me the farther away I walk, it’s the right thing. If she’s not willing to wake up any other way, maybe losing me for good will do it.
Here & Now Page 2
