When all of this comes out, when I confront him about what Ryder told me and what I’ve been noticing myself, I’m going to need more than five minutes alone with him. I’m not even sure a few hours would be enough time.
I’m about to hear for the first time if this works the way everyone else seems to think, and all I can think about as he looks me in the eyes, telling me he loves me and how much he wants to get me alone so he can kiss me, is what else he’s been keeping from me.
Is him taking the amphetamines to perform better on the field the only thing he’s been hiding or is there more? Has he turned into his mother and I’ve just been so caught up in the way I feel about him that I didn’t notice it? Sure, he admitted the truth about his knee to me, but only after I overhead Ryder at the bar and he had no other choice.
Dillon went away to Toronto and I trusted him more when he was hundreds of miles away than I do when he’s sitting here beside me with his eyes locked so lovingly on my face.
When did everything turn so wrong? Was it all screwed up before our first time, or is it really only over the last few weeks that it seems like my entire world is caving in and the boyfriend I know, the one I love so uncontrollably is changing back into the guy I met last year?
This would be so much easier if I could just spit these questions out of my head right now. Lay it all out on the table and make him answer me. Tell me everything even if I wouldn’t like hearing it, but between the happy look on my mom’s face and the hopeful one in his, I’m stuck letting it all just fester.
My focus on this, it’s gotten so bad that I can see my doctor speaking, even make out what he’s saying, but don’t piece it all together until I hear the first sound.
It’s muffled, hazy even, but there’s no denying that it’s a sound of some kind. Looking between the doctor, my mom and Dillon, I try to put together what it is I might have just heard. None of their lips are moving, so it couldn’t have been them talking, but if not that, then what?
My heart rate picks up as I hear it again, and this time, there’s no denying that I heard it to anyone in the room because my eyes lift, the sound a little bit clearer, maybe because of the loudness of it.
My mom’s lips move first and even though I can easily make out what she’s saying, I come to terms with the sound of it as it comes through the device.
I can hear her.
Shifting my eyes from her lips, over to where my doctor stands, his body bent over the computer screen in front of him, I watch in wonder as he speaks and even though it’s the same almost muffled sound that I heard when they made the noise and then my mom spoke, there’s no doubt that I’m hearing him speak.
Something about base levels and decibels. All things I read about when I was given the information about this, but none of which I focused on because I was more worried about making it through the surgery unscathed.
I really wish I’d paid attention because I’d really like to know what they’re doing and why now, he sounds even clearer than he did before.
“What does base line mean?”
It’s a stupid question but it gets him to turn his attention to me the second it falls out. Not only that but I can feel the grip from Dillon’s hand around mine even tighter then before and my mom’s smile so big it’s transforming her entire face.
I’ve seen her look a ton of different ways and I know her smile anywhere, but there is definitely something different about this one. I’ve never seen anything like it. She’s so bright and animated right now that I think she’s been taken over by the sun.
“You heard him say that?” Dillon asks, and even though it’s primarily his lips I’m still reading, there’s a blast of shock that hits me straight in the chest the second I realize that it’s not just that anymore. I heard him say that too. The question is choppy, words are missing, but I nod my head quickly because yeah, I did hear him.
“Oh my God.”
“Cadence,” Doctor Williams says as he kneels down beside my chair. “I’ve altered the original makeup of the implant so that you are able to make out sounds more clearly than you did when I first tested it by creating noise, but I want to try something else if you’re willing.”
Of course I’m willing. Is he kidding me? Not only did I just hear my mom say oh my god but I also heard Dillon too, though it deviated from fuzzy to a little bit clearer. I’m willing to try just about anything he wants if this continues.
I can’t believe this.
This is actually happening to me right now.
“Dillon,” I whisper and when he turns and I catch the smile there—the one that’s only for me—I sigh. “Pinch me?”
“What?” he laughs. “Why?”
“I need to know if this is real.”
Oh it’s very real, but I still need to be pinched. I need to know that I’m awake and not dreaming this. I need to know if the sound I hear now is the one matching those perfectly kissable lips that I love so much. I need to know if the laugh I heard, is him laughing and not just my mind playing tricks on me.
He does as I ask and he pinches, but it’s light enough that it doesn’t hurt, and there’s also no denying that I felt it.
This is very real. It’s not a dream.
I can hear.
“What did you want to test?” I ask, turning back to Doctor Williams and watching again as he heads back over to the computer and taps on a few keys. It doesn’t take long before I realize what it is he wants to try.
Exactly what the next sound is going to be.
Music.
He’s playing music and I can hear it. Sure, it’s not the same way I imagine other people hear it, but there’s no mistaking the beat, a dull thump, almost as if he’s playing electronic music.
“Can I make a request?” I ask and he nods. “Would it be too much trouble to play music I actually like?”
Laughter fills the room and it’s loud. All four people in the room, even my silent speech therapist are laughing and the feeling that slammed into me when I heard Dillon speak for the first time, realized it was him that I was hearing even though I’m sure he doesn’t sound quite as grainy as it came out, it’s there again.
It’s happiness, excitement and wonder all mixed together, creating the one thing that a few weeks ago I never believed in.
A miracle.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Dillon
I’ve never been the type to find an electronic device sexy, but the way Cadence looks when we leave the room and I’ve gotten the okay from Sarah to take her back to my place, I swear to god it’s the sexiest damn thing I’ve ever seen.
The one part of her that now that we’re here and she’s kissing me, pushing her body into mine as we make our way down the hall toward my room, that I never want to take off of her because now that it’s there, it’s going to heighten this experience with her even more.
I’m going to make love to my girlfriend and she’s going to hear every sound. Hear me. The sounds I know she’s put together and imagined in her head as many times as I have, but this time able to finally put real sound to, instead of just what she thinks it would sound like.
The way this feels, it’s like I’m under an extreme amount of pressure to perform. Like I’m trying out for the team for the first time and I’ve got to give them everything I’ve got in order to make a lasting first impression. It’s the two of us making love again for the first time even though it actually happened months ago.
It’s a nervousness deep in the pit of my stomach that won’t go away no matter how much I swallow it down. I need to make this moment perfect. Every word, every moan, every damn sound I make from this moment on, I’ve got to make them count because I know she’s going to be able to hear them all.
Hear me when I love her.
Finally getting the jacket free of my arm, I toss it to the floor, pressing my lips back on hers the second I’ve got it off and she wastes no time gripping the ends of my shirt in an attempt to get that off me quickly, aga
in breaking our connection for the briefest of moments so that she can have me clear with nothing standing in our way.
I want to slow this down. Savor this moment. I want to burn it into my brain with a branding iron because just like it was the first time I had this girl underneath me and on top of me, able to feel her in a way that I waited a year to have, it’s going to be ten times more powerful now.
“I love you.” She says, her voice low like usual, but huskier somehow, the heat of the moment obviously as intense for her as it is for me.
“Not nearly as much as I love you, Caddy. It doesn’t even compare.”
She’s not the only one with the heavier tone to her voice. God, this girl. No matter how many times we’ve been in this same situation over the last few weeks, it never ceases to amaze me how easily she takes my breath away. One touch, three simple words and she leaves me completely undone.
Undoing the buttons on her shirt, I don’t dare take my eyes off her face. Her body is beautiful to me, but right now, seeing the desire in her eyes, my own feelings reflected back at me, it’s the only thing I want to see. The way the smile grows the more buttons that release and the way her top lip curls before kissing me again as I unfasten the last button and slide it over her shoulders to the floor.
Our hands, they’re moving with a mind of their own, hers secured around my jeans and mine running over her body, sliding my fingers under the thin straps of her bra as I bring it down over her arms, reaching around her back and breaking her breasts free.
Just the light graze against my skin as she pops the button of my pants drives me crazy. It really is like our first time all over again, the slow burn that just kissing her creates growing with each passing second until I’m threatened to be burned alive by the flames.
Breaking our kiss, she lays her hand on my chest and pushes until she’s gotten what she wants and my body is falling back against the bed. This is another side of her that the first time had taken me completely off guard, but one I’ve come to appreciate almost as much as I do the other parts of her.
When Caddy lets herself go in a moment like this with me, she doesn’t let herself lose control. She takes the control away and just like every other time we’ve been this way, I let her.
Thinking about anything but the way her lips feel on my skin, or the way she sounds when she’s as lost in the moment as I am, is impossible. Even now, in a moment where I want to relish every single thought and feeling I experience with her, I can’t because her lips grazing my bare skin drives not only the temperature of the room up, but my internal body one as well and the only word I can get out in between breathless moans is her name.
“Caddy…”
“Say it again, Dillon.”
I know what she’s after and after a year of hearing each other because of the unique way our hearts connect, I’m not going to waste any time giving it to her.
This moment is different than all the others because now she’s going to hear me loud and clear. Not only through the device attached to her ear transmitting my declarations to her, but in her heart where it matters most.
“You, this, us. It’s everything, Caddy. You’re everything. I love you.”
She sighs softly, burying her face into the side of my neck and just the simple action is enough to shatter me. It doesn’t matter now what we went through before this moment or what we’re going to deal with tomorrow when a new days begins. All that matters is the here and now with her.
Where everything isn’t conflicted or painful or up in the air.
“I love you more, Dill and now it’s my turn to show you how much.”
Cadence
It’s time. I’ve got to do it now.
No more holding back, no more searching for a better time. It’s got to be now or I know it will never come. What I should have said yesterday after Ryder’s visit and again in the car this morning. It’s all got to come out now, even if doing it after what we just shared is the worst timing ever.
“Dill?”
I’ve been watching him for the past few minutes, his eyes closed, features relaxed, completely at peace, the same as me after making love. The tiny smile playing on his lips that makes me wonder if he’s reliving every second of it the same way I’ve done before or if something else is causing him to smile that way.
Truthfully, he’s been smiling ever since my appointment earlier. Since I admitted I could hear what the doctor was saying all anyone has been doing is smiling and even though my mind is clouded and conflicted, it’s impossible not to be a part of that with them.
Hearing for the first time, no one prepares you for that. They can tell you what they hope will happen, how it might appear, but everyone is different, so how they experience it will be different too. For me, I could hear, but the pitch and the grainy sound, almost mechanical in nature means it’s not the way a person who doesn’t have my disability hears things, but still makes me happier than I think I’ve ever been.
The only thing that can remotely compare to it is the way it felt at the ravine with Dillon on prom night, but even that’s not the same.
“Yeah?”
God this is so surreal. I’m still staring at his lips the way I always have, but hearing the sound as they move, I feel like I’m floating. There is definitely nothing that can compare to this. I just wish I didn’t have to taint the way it feels by bringing up something he’s not going to be expecting.
“Can I ask you something?”
Opening his eyes slowly, they turn down until they stop the second they meet mine.
“You’re so beautiful.”
Not the response I was after, but definitely one my heart wants to feed into despite the trouble I’m about to start.
The trouble that wouldn’t even exist if he hadn’t put it in motion and hid it from you.
“I’m sorry. I know that’s not what you asked, but I couldn’t help myself.”
His grin, coupled with the slight blush across his cheeks threatens to break my resolve. It’s as if he knows what’s coming and is doing everything in his power to stop me, which I know is impossible because unless Dillon somehow got superpowers during our time apart earlier this fall, he’s not a mind reader.
He can’t possibly know what’s about to happen.
“Ask me anything, especially if it’s something to do with us repeating the last thirty minutes.”
Before I can protest, give in to the ways my mind is screaming at me, he kisses me again and for a split second, I forget all about what I want to ask, what he’s keeping from me and why it all matters as I just take in the way his lips feels when they’re pressed to mine. How electric it is and how truly alive it makes me feel.
“I’m doing it again. I’m sorry. What did you want to ask?” he starts again and I just sigh.
It’s time.
“That sounds serious, Caddy.” He remarks before sliding his body up on the bed and following him, I slide up to, but in the process separate myself from him. The way I react when we’re touching, if I’m gonna get through this then I need to do it completely separated, which the second my body disconnects from his, he notices as his face turns down in a frown and his eyes go sad.
“Now I’m really worried. What’s going on?”
“How long have you been doing drugs?”
Not the first question I wanted to ask and definitely not the way I wanted it to come out, my own voice reverberating back to me and instantly turning my stomach inside out.
So much for doing this the right way. Approaching it in a way that won’t make him get defensive and mean the way I know he can get if he’s pushed or backed into a corner.
“Umm, what?” he asks, his expression giving away nothing but confusion. “I’m not doing drugs.”
“Are you taking amphetamines?”
His body stiffens at my question and his face goes hard, the normal light peach I’m used to now turning pale. Wording it differently means he’s been caught and he knows it.
> “Where did you hear that?”
“Are you denying it?”
Eyes lowering again, expression still hard, lips that I love so much straighter then I’ve ever seen them, he’s answering me without words. I hate this. Accusing him, forcing his hand and making him tell me the truth. It’s not supposed to be like this with us.
I know the way Dillon is, the issues he has trusting and caring and how he’s still dealing with everything that both of his parents put him through. I know all of it, but I was the one person he wasn’t like that with. For the last year even when we were miles apart, there wasn’t anything he couldn’t and wouldn’t tell me. Sure, he might not have told me how bad it was for him, us being apart but that made sense to me. It wasn’t as important as something like this.
It’s the things like this he would never have kept from me and yet, that’s exactly what he did and despite how angry I want to be, I’m not. I’m just hurt because there has to be a reason it all changed. I just need to know what it is so I can figure out a way to fix it and change it back.
“It was Kane, right? Asshole found you and couldn’t resist telling you everything could he?”
“This has nothing to do with who told me, Dillon. I know now.”
You can cut the tension between us with a knife. His is feeding into mine and it’s putting me on edge, which if my body looks anything to him like his does to me, is not a good thing.
We went from complete bliss to a nightmare in a matter of seconds.
This would be an awesome time to wake up.
“I’m not mad.” I try and explain, hoping to take some of the edge off. “I just want to you talk to me, Tell me the truth.”
“The truth? Seems like you already have that. You already know what you believe, so why should I bother?”
This is not my boyfriend right now. It’s the guy that for whatever reason thought he wasn’t good enough and started taking something that’s changing him. I need to remember that, but it gets harder to do considering I can hear the edge to his tone now where I couldn’t before.
Here & Now Page 25
