“I’m sorry, Coach. I know you and Mark were close.”
“It’s got nothing to do with how close we were, which considering what he was doing behind my back obviously wasn’t as close as I thought.”
“So what does it gotta do with?”
“Where we go from here. What Mark being gone means for this team.”
This doesn’t make sense to me. He’s not a stupid guy, he can obviously see that I’m wearing the brace and my leg still isn’t one hundred percent, so talking to me about what happens with the team is confusing as hell. It’s got nothing to do with me.
“Not following.”
“Word around the water cooler is, you’ve been changing out your courses, pushing more in the direction of sports medicine now that you’re back. Any truth to that?”
“Yeah. Someone told me I needed to have a fall back option. Figured with everything that happened, now was the time to get on with that. I still don’t know what any of that has to do with this though.”
“I’m gonna level with you, Murphy. Losing Mark is a hit that this team doesn’t need right now. It’s a loss, both personal and otherwise, but I do think there’s a way we can make it right.”
“Okay. How?”
“I’ve talked with the big wigs and if you agree, they’re willing to let me take you on as an assistant coach, while you’re working toward your degree. Not only that, but with as hard a worker as you are, both on and off the damn field, if you don’t mind having a heavier work load, I’d like to look into using you as a trainer too.”
Nah, I can’t be hearing this right. I’ve still gotta be back in bed with Cadence and dreaming. There is no way that I’m sitting here right now having my coach offer me a job. Giving me not one, but two positions that would keep me in the sport when a few weeks ago, I was trying to figure out how to live life without it.
Unbelievable.
“You wanna run that by me again? I don’t think I heard you right. Are you offering me a job?”
“That’s exactly what I’m doing. Now I just gotta know if you’re gonna accept it, so I can get the paperwork train running.”
“There’s gotta be a ton of people more qualified than me to do what you’re asking. Why bother going with me when you can get one of them?”
“Well son, the answer to that is simple. They don’t have the love of the game the way you do. They might have their fancy little diplomas and paper written proof that they’re qualified, but at the end of the day when they go home, they don’t think about the next game or practice the way true lovers of the sport do. And if this team is gonna succeed, that’s the type of person I need.”
“You need a guy with a fucked up knee that got hooked on amphetamines?”
Admitting that I was addicted to the pills isn’t as hard now as it was at first. I can easily see what was going on with me, something that because of taking so many so often, I was blinded to before. The hazy cloud I was living under for weeks, it’s now clear.
I was addicted; an addict, and after talking with Cadence’s therapist Pam, I realize that I’m always going to be one. The way my mother was and judging from the way I’ve seen her around town, still is, should have been the eye opener it was supposed to be and kept me away from the shit completely. But it didn’t and it wasn’t and now that I know I’ve got an addictive personality, I’ve got to be even more guarded when it comes to the situations I find myself in.
Things that could trigger me.
Like football. An addiction that almost cost me everything.
“When you put it like that, no. I don’t need that guy. I need the guy he was before he let himself be seduced by the junk. Your mind, the way you view this sport, it’s that guy that I want and need to be my right hand man. The only thing left to know now is, do you want it?”
This isn’t just some random pity offering. I can tell by the look on his face that he means every word he’s saying. The impression I made on him goes even deeper than just coach to quarterback. He considers me an equal. Even though my reckless actions cost him, he still wants to work with me.
I’m amazed. Blown away.
This is not what I expected when I walked in to meet with him today. A lecture, sure. With the things I did and the way I acted, I deserve that, but a job offering? No way.
“I wanna do it, but since you’re being so straight with me, can I do the same with you?”
“Wouldn’t want it any other way, son. What’s on your mind?”
“This decision, it doesn’t just involve me.”
“You gotta talk to the little woman about it first, do ya?”
If anyone else was standing here and saying it like that, I wouldn’t have wasted any time before taking their head clean off. Referring to Cadence that way, there’s nothing right about it, but this isn’t just anybody. It’s my coach and there’s a look in his eyes that tells me that he gets it.
“Yeah. Since taking a job with you is gonna affect my time with her, my life with her if things work out the way I want them to, but it’s not just that.”
“What else you got?”
“I’m still dealing with things, coming to terms with the shit I did, to my body and the people I care about. The mess of shit that’s been in my head since I was a kid. I need to know that if at some point, I need to walk away from this; the job, you and the team, you’re gonna be alright with that.”
“This about the junk you were taking?”
“Yeah.”
“You do whatever you need to do, when you need to do it. The job remains yours for as long as you want it. Go home, talk to your girl, settle it that way and when you’re ready, let me know one way or the other.”
“Thanks, Coach.”
“And Murphy?” He calls out as soon as I make my way over to the door.
“Yeah?”
“It’s good to have you back.”
Cadence
It’s strange being here without him.
After Dillon got out of the hospital, we seemed to fall into a routine. Even though we didn’t spend every waking moment together, we were together most of time, whether it was me helping him get around the apartment or going to appointments with Pam together. What should have eventually grated on our nerves didn’t seem to. It just became a comfortable routine and one that up until he went to see his coach earlier, I was happy about.
Not knowing what the man might want, and being in the apartment alone, waiting for him to get back in order to tell me, it’s shaking that comfortable routine up and it’s leaving me feel oddly empty.
Dillon’s come so far since that day on the field. He’s taken all the determination and drive he had while playing football and put it into attending meetings because of his addiction and visits to a physical therapist as he attempts to work on getting his knee back in shape. Add that in with the appointments he’s had both with me and alone with Pam and it all adds up to something great.
It wasn’t an easy road. There were a lot of bad days before we started getting to the more stable and happy ones. He fought Ryder tooth and nail in the beginning the same as he did with me because just like I suspected when it happened, he was falling apart after realizing his dream of playing in the CFL was gone.
We’d gotten past the worst of it though and now that he seemed to be in a much better place, the last thing I need is for him to have it all crash and burn because his coach said or did something that set him back.
The fresh start he wants him for himself and for us, I’ll do whatever it takes to make happen. He deserves that and so do I. We’ve been through enough.
“Honey, I’m home!”
Even after having the implants for well over a month, I’m still getting used to way everyone sounds and how some voices and sounds differ from others, but the one sound I’ve definitely allowed myself to grow accustomed to is his. Getting to hear what I can also now see is happiness all over his features as his cheekbones are lifted and he’s smiling so brightly, there’s
nothing in the world that compares. It makes me glad that months ago when I made the decision to go through with the surgery, I didn’t back down.
Even if the sound isn’t exactly the same as the way others hear and experience him, it’s still the most beautiful one in the world to me because it’s mine.
Closing the distance between us, he makes his way across the living room until he’s scooping me up into his arms and swinging me around, his happiness infectious but not enough to completely dispel the worry inside me over him putting too much weight on his leg.
Something he must realize as soon as he places me back down on the floor because he leans in and brushes his lips against my forehead gently.
“It’s okay, it didn’t hurt. I swear.”
Not entirely sure I believe him, but not wanting to press him with as happy as he seems, I focus instead on how lit up he looks. After battling the depression, at times wondering if either one of us was strong enough to beat the way it affected us, it’s a nice change of pace to see him smiling again.
“You seem happy.”
“Maybe that’s because I am happy, Ginger.”
“You wanna tell me why, Fred?” I ask, easily playing into his little name game and as always giving back as good as I’m given.
“What would you think about going out with the Assistant Coach of the Panthers?”
“Is this a trick question? Because I already have a boyfriend. I’m not looking for another one.”
He laughs and it doesn’t take long before I’m joining in with him. It feels good to laugh again. It’s like in the moment, the past couple of months haven’t happened and we’re right back where we were when he got back from Toronto.
Except it did happen and we’re better because of it. Dillon and me.
“Nice one smartass.”
“Thanks, I try.” I smirk and he kisses me quickly before stepping back and letting his expression turn serious again.
“Okay, so what Coach wanted to talk to me about, it’s pretty huge.”
“Well considering he’s pretty huge, I guess that makes sense.” I quip and he just grins.
“He wants me to work with the team as an assistant coach and also fill in for Mark.”
I tense at the sound of the old trainer’s name and he doesn’t miss it. Ever since he told me how everything happened, I’ve wanted to find that guy and make him pay for what he helped Dillon do. He deserves more then to just lose his job. He should be in jail right alongside Bruce.
“So he offered you a job?”
“Two if you’re keeping score.”
“And what did you say?”
“That I wanted to talk to you about it first, because baby, we’re not doing this if you don’t want to.”
We’re not doing this.
He didn’t say he wasn’t doing it. He said we’re not doing it. Bringing to life what I told him in the hospital even more. Dillon really is trying to change again and this time, I get the feeling it’s going to stick. He’s no longer looking at things the way he used to, believing that he didn’t have anyone he could really count on. Instead he’s realizing it.
“So what do you think?”
“Do you want to do it?”
“Yeah. I mean I would still get to be a part of the team and you know how I am about that. How I feel about football.”
I do know how he feels. He’s so intense about it that he was willing to risk everything in order to keep doing it. If there’s one thing I understand about him more than anything else, it’s his feelings toward the sport that I still can’t figure out.
“Plus,” He starts again. “Not playing anymore but still helping the team get where I think they deserve to be means I can focus on classes and other, more interesting pursuits.”
The way his lips lift mischievously tells me just what the other more interesting pursuit is going to be.
Me.
“It’s gonna mean putting in a lot of time with the team, and travelling, but considering the way I was before, it’s gonna be a lot less than I was doing.”
“And how do you feel about that? Doing less than you were doing before?”
“Great.” He admits and I raise my eyes skeptically. I’m not sure I buy that he’s going to be happy about doing less when he’s so used to being counted on to do more.
“You sure about that?”
“Yes, Caddy. I’m absolutely sure about that. I’m fine with not being the center of attention on the field anymore.”
“What about everywhere else?”
“The only person I care about being the center of attention for is you, pretty girl. No one or nothing but you. So…do you think this is something we can do?”
There it is again, the use of the word we instead of me or I. He really does look at us like we’re a singular unit instead of two separate parts. If we weren’t in the middle of a serious discussion, I’m pretty sure I’d allow myself to melt over that realization with how much it affects me.
“Okay, Murphy. If you think we can handle this, let’s do it.”
Epilogue
Six Months Later
Dillon
“Okay, I’m here. Where’s the fire?” Ryder asks as he comes through the front door, swiping his hands through his hair as he tries to catch his breath.
“No fire, I just needed to talk to you about something.”
“You wanted to talk to me about something? Are you kidding me?”
“Nope, not kidding.”
“Dill, you know what normal people do when they wanna talk? Pick up a phone and call. They don’t send out a 911 text. Dude, what the hell?”
Everything’s changed in the six months since I went under the knife, but not just for me and Cadence. It’s changed for Ryder too and judging by the scowl on his face, it’s obvious I called him away from something I would have kicked someone’s ass over had it been done to me.
I cock blocked him. Took away his ability to get laid and as annoyed as I would be if that happened to me, I can’t help laughing about it now, which just deepens the look of loathing on his face.
If I don’t spit out the reason I called him home soon, he’s definitely gonna beat my ass and something tells me after the hell we’ve all been through, it’s gonna be long lasting. Ryder doesn’t mess around when you screw with something he wants or cares about.
“You know this arrangement we’ve got has been working for me, right?”
“Yeah, works for me too, otherwise we wouldn’t be doing it. What are you getting at?”
“What if I said I wanted to change things up a bit?”
Sliding out of his jacket and tossing it across the back of the sofa, he makes his way into the living room and throws his body down onto it, settling in for what I’m about to say next.
“Change things how?”
“I want to ask Cadence to move in with me.”
“You what?”
“I want her to live here, with me—us, whatever. I just don’t want to do it without talking to you first.”
“Where’s this coming from? Did something change with you two?”
“No, but I’ve been giving it a lot of thought and after everything that went down before, I think this is the right move for us. I’m tired of being apart from her.”
“And what does her mom think about this?”
I’m glad he’s asked me that because before texting him, I’d gone to see Sarah about it. After explaining all of my reasons for wanting to do this, I was surprised when she said that if Cadence wanted it, then she was alright with it.
After making so many mistakes with her daughter, taking her for granted, lying and hiding things from her, the last thing I expected was for Sarah to be so agreeable. If anything, I went into the talk expecting a fight.
“She’s cool with it as long as it’s what Cadence wants. With her eighteenth birthday coming up, I get the feeling Sarah’s already been gearing herself up for something like this. Even if she wasn’t going to live wi
th me, she’d still want to go away to college.”
“So you just wanna move your girl in here with us?”
“Yeah, if you’re cool with it.”
“Have you talked to Caddy about it yet?”
“No, that’s my next stop. She actually texted me a few minutes ago and asked me to meet her at the ravine, so I’m gonna drop it on her there, but I’m not gonna do it if you’re not cool with it.”
Running his hand over his face and then up through his hair, he exhales, and I gear myself up for his response, which judging from the way he’s reacting isn’t going to be good.
“I suppose there’s no time like the present to bring this up. I’m moving out.”
“You’re what?”
“It’s time. Like you said, you’re tired of being apart from your girl and I’m getting the feeling that I’m the same. So yeah, give me a month to find a place and you two can have the place to yourselves.”
“Are you sure? Bringing this up wasn’t supposed to be you thinking you had to leave.”
“I know. It’s not about that. We had a good run, Murphy, but we’re heading off in different directions, with these people we can’t seem to imagine life without, so I think it’s done.”
“We’re done?”
“Yeah baby, I’m sorry, but I’m breaking up with you.” Ryder responds with a shit eating grin and I slap the back of his head.
“You’re seriously okay with this?”
“Dill, just stop questioning it and go meet your girl. We’ll figure out all of the important shit later. I’m okay with this, just do me a favor would you?”
“Depends on the favor. You breaking up with me has kind of left me raw.”
In a totally childish move, proving again why we’re such good friends, he sticks his tongue out and laughs.
“Don’t screw it up, because I happen to think your girlfriend is pretty fucking awesome and I’ll have no problem beating the hell out of you for her.”
Here & Now Page 29
