Hole Hearted (A Songbird Novel)

by Melissa Pearl

  I’d been seriously pissed off. That woman made my mom cry.

  Gripping the Sweet Valley High book, I glared at my aunt and then turned to Mom. I was about to say, “Should I ask her to leave?” but Mom’s face was practically shining. Her eyes were bright with hope, her lips pulling into a grateful smile.

  “I’ll do it,” Aunt Cassie whispered.

  Mom let out a shaky laugh, her body quivering. “Thank you.” Tears lined her lashes as she reached for her sister’s hand. “Thank you.”

  My eyebrows dipped low as I watched the exchange. Aunt Cassie was hesitant to take Mom’s hand but finally slipped her fingers in for a very brief squeeze. Mom started crying and smiling.

  “Thank you.” She said it again before turning to me. “Felix, I’d like you to meet your aunt Cass.”

  “Hi,” I mumbled.

  “Hello.” She raised her hand in this awkward wave. She looked like such a geek with her shirt buttoned all the way up. Her cable-knit sweater was a drab beige. She looked like a librarian from the 1950s. I bet she never wore her hair down. Before chemo stole Mom’s hair, she used to wear it down all the time or had it up in these cool braids. She was a cool mom, always looked stylin’. I was happy to hang with her in public.

  Aunt Cass looked like she didn’t belong in public.

  Taking my hand, Mom gave it a little shake and softly dropped a bomb in my lap. “Aunt Cass is going to look after you…when I’m gone.”

  I flinched away from the news.

  “It’s gonna be okay, baby. She’s a really kind person and she’ll take care of you. Everything’s set.”

  I pulled my hand out of Mom’s grasp and glared at the woman across the bed. Her smile was weak and forced. She looked about as happy with the news as I did.

  “You’ll be safe with her,” Mom whispered, bright hope flaring in her eyes.

  I didn’t know what that meant or what she was trying to tell me. Aunt Cassie was blinking, chewing on her lower lip, and looked about ready to pass out. Her white skin was pale, the way Mom’s sometimes went when she’d gaze out the window at nothing.

  Mom gave me another reassuring smile, and all I could do was swallow my disbelief.

  *****

  Aunt Cassie came back the next day, along with Gerry the lawyer. Troy was already there when they arrived.

  I liked Troy. He’d been to check on me at school and visited Mom once before. He made her smile, and for a second I wished she had married a guy like him. Then I’d have someone cool to take care of me instead of my weird aunt.

  She shook Troy’s hand but I could tell she didn’t want to. Her cheeks were kind of pink and she wouldn’t look him in the eye when he introduced himself. It was kind of funny seeing them stand next to each other. Her in a knee-length polka-dot dress that looked like it’d survived the seventies, no makeup, hair in that standard low ponytail. Troy towered beside her in this cool brown leather jacket, faded and worn. His jeans were dark and he had these big boots on. He could pass as a model with his sharp features and blue eyes, but he didn’t ooze an arrogant vibe or anything. He was just a good-looking guy who was nice. I bet he didn’t have any problems with the ladies.

  That’s the kind of guy I wanted to be when I was older.

  Troy kept his eye on me while the adults signed stuff, making decisions about my life that I had no say in. His smile was sympathetic and it started to get to me. I turned away from him and kept my eyes on Mom instead.

  She seemed more and more relieved as each sheet of paper was scribbled on and filed away. Aunt Cassie seemed more and more nervous.

  I stayed silent the whole time. I didn’t want to upset Mom. I wasn’t ready to answer Aunt Cassie’s lame questions like “Where do you go to school?” “What’s your favorite subject?”

  She didn’t care. She just didn’t know what else to say.

  Man, she was uptight. Everything about her was tense and closed off. Her facial expressions were always minimal, her answers soft and emotionless.

  Dread seeped into me, making it hard to breathe. Mom couldn’t leave me with this woman. I’d rather go into the system. I could luck out with a cool family that listened to music and knew how to smile.

  As soon as she left, I was going to say something to my mother, beg her to reconsider.

  But when Gerry and Troy left, Aunt Cassie stayed.

  The minutes ticked by. Mom made me read more Sweet Valley High. Aunt Cassie listened, her lips twitching with the odd smile. Mom would glance at her and murmur, “Do you remember this part?”

  Aunt Cassie would nod but say nothing.

  I finished the book and set it down. Mom’s eyes were closed. She looked tired and pale. Leaning over her, I kissed her forehead and gently brushed the curls away. I missed her long hair, but the curls were cool too. She’d even been beautiful bald.

  Her eyelids fluttered and she stared up at me, her smile soft and affectionate. “Do you remember everything I told you, baby?”

  I nodded and grinned. “Yeah, Mom.”

  “We’re the lucky ones.” Her voice was so weak and croaky. It was hard for me to hear. I leaned in closer as her lips parted to say more, but all I felt was a soft breath in my ear…and then nothing.

  My smile faltered and I moved my face a little closer.

  Still nothing.

  “Mom?” I shot back, gaping at her, expecting her eyes to pop open. “Mom!”

  Aunt Cassie stumbled out of her chair and rushed to the bedside. Hovering her fingers over Mom’s lips, she stared at her sister…and then her expression crumpled. She shook her head and looked at me.

  “No,” I snapped. Grabbing Mom’s shoulders, I gave them a little shake. “Mom, wake up. Mom!” I shook a little harder until Mom’s head started to wobble on the pillow. It drooped to the side and Aunt Cassie touched my hand, a brief brush of her fingers, warning me to stop.

  “Mom,” I whispered again, my voice broken and hollow…just like my insides.

  A cold numbness took over my body. Icy fingers of realization cut off my senses until I was standing by Mom’s bed, a lifeless statue. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t do anything but stare at my mother’s beautiful face and wish her back to life.

  Chapter Eight

  Troy

  My feet were heavy as I walked up the path to Cassie Grayson’s place. I’d only met her twice and I couldn’t believe my first home visit was straight after a funeral. It sucked on so many levels, but I had to check out the place. Even though Crystal had signed for Cassie to be Felix’s guardian, it was still my role to ensure she’d do a good job with her nephew.

  I was hoping to make a real connection with Felix before his mom died, so that I could be someone safe to turn to. But I hadn’t really had the time and now I was just another stranger, someone else he had to deal with while he mourned the loss of his everything.

  The funeral service was two days ago. It had been a small affair with fewer than thirty people in attendance. Felix stood by his aunt, acting like a morose statue. He didn’t cry once. Cassie shed a few tears, but they were silent, her lips fighting to stay in line as she held herself together.

  It was painful to watch them standing at the front of the church, both so lost and scared.

  I tried to speak to them after the service, but neither was up for it.

  With a heavy sigh, I stepped onto the wooden porch and knocked on the screen door.

  The house was a neat little bungalow—olive green with dark red trim. The window frames and door were painted the same red as the trim, and everything about the house looked meticulous and well-kept.

  I knocked and waited, listening for the sounds of footsteps. They were quiet and unhurried as they approached the door. The net curtain shifted behind the glass panel, and I caught a pair of cautious eyes.

  I smiled. Cassie’s face disappeared and then came the clicking of three locks. The door opened, and she greeted me in her soft way.

  “Hello, Mr. Baker.”
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  “Please, call me Troy.”

  She nodded and stepped aside, allowing me entry.

  “So, how’s everyone doing?”

  Smoothing a hand over her hair, she ran it down her ponytail, then closed the door behind me. “It’s a challenging time. He hasn’t cried once. Is that bad?”

  I shrugged and gave her another smile, trying to reassure her. “People express grief in different ways. It’s a journey, and his path might be different than yours.”

  “I haven’t cried much either,” she murmured.

  “Well, maybe your paths will be similar, then.” I winked and smiled again.

  Her lips twitched but then fell back into a tight line. “I’ll let Felix know you’re here.”

  “Thanks for letting me pop by to visit. I just wanted to quickly scan his new environment and talk to him about how we can make him feel at home here.”

  She paused, resting her hand on the archway into the kitchen. I looked past her shoulder and spotted a pristine cooking space. Every surface gleamed. The counters were clear of clutter.

  “Not much of a cook, huh?” I pointed behind her.

  She frowned and glanced behind her. “No, I cook every day.”

  “Oh.” I gave her a sheepish grin. “I just… It’s so clean and tidy. Sorry, I shouldn’t assume.”

  “What’s wrong with clean and tidy?”

  “Nothing. I’ve just never seen such a… It’s practically sparkling.”

  She adjusted her shoulders, eyeing me up with those big brown eyes of hers, trying to judge if I was insulting her or not.

  I smiled, hoping to relax the straining tendon in her neck. “I wish I could keep my kitchen that nice.”

  “I like it clean. I need—” She smoothed a hand over her head again. “There’s nothing wrong with being neat and orderly.”

  “No, there’s not,” I assured her, bobbing my head to back up my words.

  She looked to the floor and shuffled off to get Felix.

  I puffed out my cheeks and expelled a quick breath, my eyes bulging a little. I didn’t get such a tense vibe from Felix’s mother, which meant the kid was going to struggle adjusting to a neat-freak house and a twitchy aunt who obviously had issues.

  Stepping into the living room, I glanced around the space. It was pretty spartan. There were no pictures on display, no evidence of family or friends. A small TV was nestled in the corner, opposite a two-seater couch and a comfy-looking armchair. Beside that were two massive bookshelves stacked with novels. I walked over to peruse the titles. They were all fantasies. Huge, fat spines held together pages of dragons and knights, witchcraft and magic spells.

  She obviously liked to escape reality, which told me her reality wasn’t always what she wanted it to be. Running my finger along one of the shelves, I noticed that each book was lined up perfectly.

  Yet another indicator that Cassie Grayson liked order…control.

  But she didn’t seem the dominant type, not with her quiet voice and shy demeanor, so that meant the control wasn’t driven by a need to be in charge. Maybe it was self-preservation?

  I flipped open my file and scanned the second page, looking for history on Felix’s mother. It didn’t say much, just that the girl ran away from foster care when she was fourteen. She went off-grid until Felix was born, and the two were put under the care of Arthur Winter. He was an older man and passed away four years earlier.

  Ran away from foster care.

  My forehead wrinkled as I toyed with a few scenarios. She must have been miserable if she’d run away…and she must have taken off without her sister; otherwise, it would have been stated in the file.

  Cassie cleared her throat, pulling me away from the myriad of questions exploding in my brain.

  I spun with a smile.

  “Hey, Felix.” I kept my voice bright but soft, hoping to coax a reaction out of him.

  It didn’t work. He remained blank-faced.

  “So…” I slapped the file closed. “I just wanted to pop by and see how you’re doing.”

  Felix shrugged. Cassie stood nervously behind him, about as confident as a kid lost in a department store.

  “Uh, Cassie, would it be all right if I had a glass of water?”

  “Sure.” Her head bobbed erratically and she scuttled off, obviously relieved to have something to do.

  As soon as she was out of earshot, Felix’s shoulders relaxed.

  “I’m guessing life is one big suck-fest right now.”

  “Yeah,” he mumbled, shoving his hands in his pockets.

  “I know it doesn’t feel like it right now, but things are going to get better and eventually, once the pain’s not so bad, you’ll be able to remember so many cool things about your mom.”

  Felix blinked and nodded. I paused, giving him time to say something, but he didn’t.

  “So, Principal Turrell asked me to check in with you today as well. He wanted you to know that there’s no rush to come back to school. Just take your time, and you can return when you’re ready.”

  “What about my work?” Cassie appeared, the glass of water trembling in her hand.

  I took it before she dropped it. “Thanks.”

  “Don’t worry,” Felix muttered. “I’m going back to school.”

  “Are you sure you’re ready for that?” I asked, slightly annoyed with Cassie for being so worried about her job. Felix needed her support, and I was sure her boss would understand her taking a few extra days.

  “I just want to get on with life. Moping around this place isn’t going to make me feel any better. I might as well be in school, distracting myself with learning stuff.”

  I narrowed my gaze at him. “Is that really what you want? According to your grades and the incident reports I’ve read, you’re not doing much learning. Sounds like fighting’s more your style.”

  “What?” Cassie’s eyebrows popped high.

  Felix rolled his eyes and started to leave the room.

  “Hey, buddy.” I called him back. “I wasn’t trying to offend you. I just want to have an honest conversation.”

  “You want honesty?” Felix spun, his brown eyes flashing. “I hate this place! I hate my school! I hate the assholes who go there! But I don’t have a choice! My mom’s dead and I should be grateful not to be in the system. For some reason that seemed to scare the crap out of her. So I’m doing what she wants. I’m gonna live here and I’m gonna go to school and I’m gonna tell myself I’m lucky.” His voice cracked. Clenching his jaw, he turned and fled back to his room.

  The door slammed shut.

  Cassie flinched and then worried her lip, blinking fast while she threaded her fingers together.

  “It’s okay,” I said. “He’s doing his best, and it’s better that he gets some of it out of his system. Bottling things up only makes it worse.” I went to pat her shoulder, but she shied away from my touch.

  She gave me a tight, closed-mouth smile, then dipped her head. So she didn’t like being touched. Interesting. I was guessing that Crystal and Cassie Grayson had an awful experience in foster care. I’d been doing this job for five years, and it didn’t take much to conjure up a bunch of ugly theories.

  I sealed my lips against the questions wanting to break free and instead thought of Felix.

  “Cassie, I get the sense you didn’t ask for this gig.”

  She shook her head.

  “Doing this for your sister is really amazing, but I know it’s a big ask.”

  “I don’t know what I’m doing.” She looked up at me, her expression full of fear.

  “You’ll figure it out along the way.” I smiled. “I can see how much you want to help Felix. Even though you’re feeling lost right now, the fact you agreed to this shows how much you care. These things take time. Don’t put pressure on yourself. Just take each day as it comes.”

  “He said he hates this place.” She sighed.

  “He just needs to get used to it.” I looked around. The house reeked of single-
womanhood. “Um, maybe you could give him a space that’s his own. You know, give him total ownership of his bedroom or something.”

  Her shoulders tensed. I wanted to spin her around and knead those muscles, whisper in her ear to relax, but I could already tell that would freak her out big time.

  I had to fight a smile. She was like a wound-up doll that had never been released.

  “Try to relax. I know it’s hard, but the more tense you are, the more tense he’ll be.”

  “I’m not tense.” She shook her head.

  I gave her a dubious smile.

  She dipped her head and relented with a small snicker. “I’m twenty-two. I’m not old enough to be a mother. Seriously, I don’t know what I’m doing!”

  “All he needs right now is someone to take care of him. Feed him, talk kindly to him, give him ownership of his room. Let’s start with those and we can build from there.” I dug into my pocket and pulled out my card. “If you need anything, night or day, just give me a call.”

  She gazed at the card I held out to her, pausing for a moment before reaching forward and taking it. She read my details then looked up with a skeptical frown. “Night or day? Is that really part of your job description?”

  I grinned. “My job is to help people deal with their pain and find a way forward. If I’m reading you right, I’m not the only one who wants that for Felix. But you look scared as hell right now, so please, call me if you need anything. We’ll find a way forward together, okay?”

  Her head bobbed again, a little more controlled this time. Slipping the card into her pocket, she walked me to the door and then gave me a tentative wave before I stepped off the porch and walked to my car.

  I couldn’t help a soft chuckle as I started the engine. Oh man, what I wouldn’t give to unlock whatever shackles were holding her tight and see what she looked like with her hair down and a carefree smile on her face.

  Turning out of the street, I drove away from the Grayson home and started praying. I didn’t know how it was going to happen, but I couldn’t help thinking that those two needed a miracle. And I wanted to be a part of that transformation.