Hole Hearted (A Songbird Novel)

by Melissa Pearl

  “Can I put it on for you?”

  I met his gaze. It was so open and sweet. If I said no, he wouldn’t make me feel bad, I could sense it. Which was enough for me to bob my head and pass it to him.

  Spinning around, I clenched my fists and focused on my breathing while his fingers brushed the back of my neck.

  “There you go,” he whispered.

  I touched the pendants, giving him a genuine smile. It felt warm and addictive.

  He winked and settled himself by the tree. “Right. Felix’s turn.”

  Reaching around the back, he pulled out a tube and a square. Felix unwrapped the square first, nearly jumping out of his skin when he saw the CD. “Chaos! I love these guys.” He opened the cover and his eyes popped wide. “It’s signed! To me!”

  “Uh-huh.” Troy grinned, nudging the tube closer to Felix.

  He let out a delighted laugh and ripped into the second gift. “No way!” He unfurled the large poster of a band I didn’t recognize.

  Four guys and one girl—five signatures.

  “How did you get this?”

  Jovi barked at Felix’s loud enthusiasm.

  Troy patted the dog’s head and grinned. “I know a guy.” Felix’s eyes narrowed, which made Troy laugh. “Jimmy’s my brother.”

  Felix gaped. “Jimmy!” He pointed at the guy with the sexy smirk and hot blue eyes. “This Jimmy.”

  “Yeah.” Troy nodded.

  “You’re related to him?”

  Troy laughed. “Yep. Known the guy my whole life.”

  I smiled. Felix was flipping out, so I had to ask. “Who is Chaos?”

  Felix gasped and whipped his head to look at me. “You haven’t heard of Chaos?”

  I shook my head, then shrugged. “Oh come on, you’re more shocked by that than the fact Troy’s related to a famous guy?”

  Troy chuckled. “They’ve been a bit of sensation lately. New band, top-ranking album. It’s been a whirlwind.”

  “I can’t believe it.” Felix shook his head, still in awe.

  Troy chuckled. “I’ll see if they’ve got any gigs coming up. Maybe I can get us some tickets.”

  And that was it. Felix was completely won over by the towering counselor. I thought he was about to leap into his arms and hug him.

  My chest restricted at the idea, a longing I didn’t understand threading through me. Troy and Felix were oblivious to my gaze as they chatted about the band, walking to the stereo together and putting on the new CD.

  It was a great view—peaceful, comforting, inspiring.

  It felt so foreign yet alluring. I wasn’t sure how to feel. I tended to shy away from new things—they made me too vulnerable and exposed—but there was something very sweet about the scene before me…something I must have craved deep down, in places I hadn’t accessed for years. I rubbed my stomach, unsure if I wanted to go there. Dabbling with the long-buried could unearth things I didn’t want to face, dark demons that I liked to pretend didn’t exist in my life.

  But as I sat on that couch watching the boy I’d taken into my home interacting with a man who’d been forced into my life, I couldn’t help the fleeting voice that told me I might not have a choice. My life was changing whether I wanted it to or not. I just hoped I had the strength to cope with it.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Troy

  I stood on the curb waving goodbye to Cassie and Felix until her little car disappeared around the corner. My lips were smiling, but my heart hurt as I watched them leave. Poor Cassie had no idea what she was doing and she knew it. She was fearful, hesitant, so afraid of doing something wrong. For someone so uptight and in control, she must have been going through hell.

  Felix was a great kid. He liked old school rock ’n’ roll. That in itself was enough to love him, but then he pulled out a laugh and played with Jovi. I shook my head with a grin as I jogged back up the stairs. Jovi started barking the second he sniffed out my approach. His stumpy tail went to town as I walked in the door and crouched to pet him.

  “You have a good day, bud?”

  He barked. I laughed and scratched his ears before standing up to gaze at my lonely apartment.

  “Wind of Change” by Scorpion was playing, the song having an eerie effect on me.

  It was weird. I’d never really thought of my place as lonely before, but with Felix and Cassie gone, it suddenly felt too empty and quiet.

  I frowned, a little perplexed, and headed into the kitchen. Cassie had insisted on helping me clean up. I tried to refuse her, but she just walked into the kitchen and got busy. I was going to stop her, but then I noticed the expression on her face. It was almost relief, like being able to tidy my kitchen and make it sparkle was something useful she could do. It would make up for Felix barely glancing at her gift. She sat on that couch looking so dejected. I tried to make a big deal of the voucher she gave me. I mean, it was a great gift, but hardly exciting.

  Instead of fighting her on the cleaning thing, I pitched in. So while Felix and Jovi rocked out to Chaos, then Bon Jovi, then Def Leppard, Cassie and I made my kitchen sparkle.

  Cleaning had never been so satisfying.

  I ran my finger across the pristine countertop and for a fleeting moment wondered what it’d be like to have someone to do the dishes with every night. Someone to cook for, take care of…share my life with.

  I’d had girlfriends before, but all of the relationships had been short-lived and never close to the move-in-together stage. I always blamed the busyness of work, because I didn’t want to admit…

  My phone started ringing. I checked the number and hesitated before pasting on a smile and answering.

  “Hey, Mom. Merry Christmas.”

  “You too, sweetheart. How are you?”

  “Yeah, good.” I found it ironic that she cared. Since all the hard stuff was over and I’d moved across the country, she’d become far more attentive. “How’s Tom?” I veered the subject to her favorite one—her new boyfriend.

  “Very well.” She sounded like she was smiling. “We’ve just had a lovely Christmas meal with his children and grandbabies.”

  “Nice.” I nodded. I did that a lot when I was speaking to my mother.

  “Have you spoken to Jimmy yet?”

  “Yeah, I called him this morning. He took Nessa back to Mississippi to spend Christmas with her family. She was a little nervous, but Ralphie and Veronica went too, so at least she’s got some support around her. Hopefully they’ll have a good time.”

  “You still keeping tabs on your brother? He’s doing okay, right? Looking after himself?”

  I rolled my eyes. We’d been having the same conversation since I was six. Can you watch Jimmy for me? Can you make sure he’s fed, watered, cared for? Because I’m too busy running a business and trying to pretend that your father abandoning us and turning into a man whore isn’t killing me.

  I hid my thoughts behind a voice that I hoped was bright enough. “Jimmy’s doing great now, Mom. He’s with Ness and she brings out the best in him. The band is doing awesome. They’re working on their second album and planning another tour for the summer. You know, you could always call and ask him yourself.”

  “I know.” She sighed. “But we’ve never been that close. He always sided with your father and I just couldn’t…”

  “It’s never too late to change that, Mom. He’s only a phone call away.”

  She scoffed. “You can talk. When was the last time you spoke to your father?”

  I clenched my jaw, unable to reply.

  After a long, tense beat she sighed again. “I’m sorry. I have no right to say that to you. If I don’t have the guts to call Jimmy, then you shouldn’t have to call your father.”

  “Jimmy’s really changed, Mom. He hardly speaks to Dad now. He doesn’t party anymore or sleep around. He’s with Ness and that’s it.”

  “I should call him.”

  “Yes, you should call him.”

  Her snicker was soft and afraid. “I follow him
online, you know. Watch his YouTube clips and turn up his songs whenever they come on the radio.”

  “He’d probably love to hear that from you,” I responded quietly.

  Jimmy never talked about Mom, but I couldn’t help wondering if he thought about her. They hadn’t grown apart after a big fight or bust-up. It’d just slowly happened over time. As Jimmy hit the partying scene and turned into Dad, Mom shied away, subtly digging this chasm between them that they never knew existed until the gap was too big to cross.

  “You’ve always been a voice of reason, kid.” Mom was smiling again. I could hear it in her voice. “Even when you were young, you were always the sensible one. You’d come in and calm the storm, find a way forward. You’re something special, you know that? I don’t know any problem you can’t solve.”

  I was so humbled by her words I couldn’t find my voice for a moment. “Thanks, Mom,” I finally croaked.

  “Merry Christmas, sweetheart.”

  “Merry Christmas.”

  And then she was gone, and I was back in my apartment with Jovi, my music…and no one else.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Cassie

  Christmas Day hadn’t been as scary as I thought. It surprised me. I usually spent Christmas holed up in my bungalow watching movies and eating junk food. The day had been a special treasure, even if the guys didn’t love my gifts. At least I was able to clean Troy’s kitchen for him.

  For the past two days, Felix had hung out in his room, blasting the Chaos album. I had to admit, the music had grown pretty quickly on me, and I found myself quietly singing along as I dusted the living room.

  I still wasn’t sure how to connect with my nephew. We lived in the same house but not together. The only time I saw him was when he emerged to use the bathroom or get something to eat. He seemed nervous in the kitchen, probably because I always walked in to see what he was doing. I asked him what foods he liked and tried to fill the cupboards with what I could, although I’d put more fruits and vegetables on his list than he wanted. I also refused to buy the sugar-loaded cereal he liked.

  He’d frowned but not said anything.

  Pursing my lips, I ran my cloth along the bookshelves, wondering if we were ever going to have a real conversation. The boy that emerged in Troy’s apartment had been a delight. I wanted that kid. Did we need to get a dog? Was that the answer?

  My forehead wrinkled. I wasn’t opposed to a pet, I supposed. But…how much mess would a dog make?

  The doorbell rang, distracting me from the problem. Peeking through the curtain, I made sure it wasn’t a salesperson before unlocking the bolts.

  It was Crystal’s lawyer.

  My stomach jittered as I tried to smile and greet him.

  “Sorry to bother you, Miss Grayson. I feel awful about this, but I forgot to pass these on to you.”

  He held out two presents, wrapped and tied with bows.

  “What are these?” I took them from his hands.

  “Crystal arranged it all before she passed, and I was supposed to give them to you on Christmas Eve. With the busy rush of getting ready for my own family, it completely slipped my mind. Please forgive me.”

  “Of course,” I murmured, staring at Crystal’s handwriting on the white envelope.

  The first gift was for Felix, and the one beneath that was for me.

  I was so surprised to see my name, I barely managed to say goodbye to the lawyer before closing the door.

  Rushing to Felix’s room, I knocked loud enough for my knuckles to hurt and opened the door. He saw me coming and turned down the music. Sitting on the edge of the bed, he spotted the gift in my hand and gave me a quizzical frown.

  “It’s from your mom. The lawyer just dropped it off.”

  Felix’s face went white, but then he pressed his lips together and stood, taking the present like it was the Holy Grail.

  He set the card aside with an air of reverence, then took his time unwrapping the gift. He obviously didn’t want to rip the paper. Inside was a black hoodie. Felix lifted it up and grinned. On the back, a white stylized electric guitar dominated. He spun it around and I caught a glimpse of the front. It said: Keep Calm and Play Guitar. Instead of the royal crown at the top, two guitars crossed over each other. It was pretty cool.

  Felix pulled the sweater on, then made the rock ’n’ roll symbol.

  I smiled at his sweet face, but my lips began to wobble as he reached for the envelope. The parcel in my hand crinkled as I gripped my present and watched him brush his finger over his mother’s writing. The expression on his face made my heart crack.

  Ripping it open, he pulled out a card. A letter dropped out. He picked it up and read the card first, his face washing with lonely agony. I wanted to run to him and wrap my arm around his skinny shoulders, but I couldn’t make myself move.

  “Can I have some privacy, please?” he murmured.

  I wanted to tell him that I could be there for him, but my throat was too clogged with emotion to speak. Instead, I backed away like a lame coward. Closing the door, I leaned my head against the wood and had to resist the urge to cry.

  Why couldn’t I be normal?

  Felix needed a mother. Someone who wasn’t afraid of hugs and emotion. Someone who wasn’t so broken on the inside that the only way to hold herself together was by keeping every aspect of her life in full control.

  The music in Felix’s room suddenly escalated. I flinched away from the door. The volume scared me. A normal mother would have gone in there and told him to turn it down, but I had a sinking feeling that he needed to drown in drumbeats after reading his mother’s letter. So, I backed away and walked to my room.

  Sitting on the edge of my bed, I stared down at the present on my lap.

  Crystal disappeared from my life without warning. I’d arrived home from school and waited for her, like I did every day…but she never came home. Davis was livid, then heartbroken. He sat at the dining room table every night staring out the window…waiting for her to come back.

  As much as I cried over Crystal, I was weak with relief that the nighttime visits to our room had stopped.

  Until they started again.

  I shuddered and nearly threw the present on the floor. Did I really want to unwrap something from her? She’d left me without a word! Left me with the beast.

  Her weepy apology skittered through my mind. She’d honestly thought Davis wouldn’t try to touch me. She honestly believed he’d been in love with her, that he wouldn’t be able to move on.

  But he had.

  Or at least, he’d tried.

  The first time he ever punched me was when I refused to tell him I loved him. Even as the pain radiated through my body I wouldn’t give in.

  “Tell me you love me,” he’d roared in my face.

  “Never!” I’d spat back.

  He wouldn’t rape me if I didn’t say it, so he beat me instead.

  The pain was worth it. The thought of being violated by him terrified me, so I took the hits, refusing to give in to what he wanted.

  Days in the cellar—hunger, isolation. Then the bruises would heal and he’d try all over again.

  Mindy McCoy was the only one who knew the real truth, and she was too afraid to do anything about it. I could only imagine the threats he laid on her. She went along with it, turning her back on my bruises and tears.

  I missed weeks of school. My teacher thought I had glandular fever, then strep throat, then an awful stomach bug. I was the sickest kid in her class, and she never thought to question any one of Davis McCoy’s lies. His crocodile smile and smooth charm won her over every time.

  I’ve never been able to figure out why I didn’t say anything to her. Maybe I thought she wouldn’t believe me. Or maybe I was terrified that I’d be moved to a new home with a meaner beast, someone who didn’t need three little words in order to rape me.

  Squeezing my temples, I fought my stinging eyes. Crystal’s handwriting blurred on the envelope as I relived the fleeti
ng guilt that haunted me.

  She’d given in. She’d said what he’d wanted because she’d been a petrified thirteen-year-old.

  And I’d done nothing to save her.

  Swallowing, I tore the envelope open and read the card.

  Dear Cassie,

  There will never be the right words to express how sorry I am for leaving you. I was scared, overwhelmed, sick. Those are all excuses and none of them are good enough for what I did. I hope one day you can forgive me, but more important than that, I hope one day you can break free from the chains he wrapped around us.

  I want you to have a good life, sister. Not just because you’re raising Felix for me, but because I want you to be happy. Davis McCoy tried to destroy me. He nearly did, but I found a way through and I hope this diary will give you the strength to fight for a freedom you deserve.

  I love you, little sister…always and forever.

  Crystal

  xoxo

  I set the letter aside and unwrapped my gift. The wrapping paper dropped to the floor as I opened the cover and read:

  Crystal’s Diary

  The first page was dated a few months after she left me.

  I don’t know what to do. How to get all this stuff out of me. I’m crippled by guilt, fear, loathing.

  Someone told me to write it out of me. So that’s what I’m gonna try…

  I left my sister. I left her with an evil beast. But I can’t tell anyone because they might make me go back there. I can’t do it. I’m not strong enough.

  I should have stayed to fetch her. I should have risked getting caught in order to save her, but I have a baby now. This little thing growing inside me is my redemption. I don’t know why I believe that so strongly but I do.

  If Davis found out, he’d make me get rid of it.

  I can’t let that happen.

  And so I left.

  Hopefully he’ll ignore her. Because he’s in love with me…and she’s only ten.

  He won’t get into her bed.