Hole Hearted (A Songbird Novel)

by Melissa Pearl

  Flicking the strap over her shoulder, she took a seat beside me.

  I still hadn’t said anything. I could feel her gaze on me as I stared at my guitar, running my fingers up and down the strings.

  “I’m Summer, by the way…and you’re Felix, right?”

  I nodded. “Yeah, we’re in a few classes together.”

  “I know.”

  I glanced up in time to see another smirk. It wasn’t a put-down though. She actually looked happy to be sitting next to me. My guess was that a smirk for her was like a normal smile for most people. She just seemed like that kind of chick, oozing this mysterious, cool vibe that didn’t really fit at Strantham Academy.

  “Nice guitar.” She raised her chin at the instrument resting on my lap.

  “Yeah, it’s a…” I ran my hand over the shiny red finish, wondering if I should tell her it belonged to a famous rock star. Would she even believe me?

  Nah. I chickened out. I really didn’t need another excuse for anyone at this stinking rich school to hassle me.

  I cleared my throat and settled for, “It’s a hand-me-down.”

  She grinned. “They’re the best. Pre-loved. Nothing wrong with that.” She tapped her bass guitar. “This was my dad’s. He used to be in a band when he was in college. He’s a fat businessman now, but I like that he used to be cool.”

  I laughed and it caught me off guard. Biting my lips together, I bobbed my head, trying to play it cool. She snickered and lightly punched my arm.

  “Chill out, dude. I think this school sucks too. Bunch of rich, stick-up-their-ass kids who think they’re better than everyone else? Gimme a break. Why’d you think I signed up for lunchtime guitar lessons? Anything for a breather, right?”

  I went still and just looked at her for a second. I didn’t know how to respond because I felt like I was looking at my new best friend, which was weird because one, she was a girl, and two…I’d never had a best friend before.

  The door swung open and fast footsteps hurried into the room. “Sorry I’m late.”

  Summer and I spun together to check out Mr. Maddison. He was wiping his hands on a napkin. He then swiped it across his mouth and down his beard before throwing it in the trash and snatching up a third stool. He placed it down opposite us then quickly skimmed his eyes over our faces and instruments.

  “Okay, good. Sorry we have to do these lessons together, but my schedule’s pretty full and it’s the only way I can fit you both in.”

  “I’m cool with it.” Summer shrugged.

  I grinned. “Me too.”

  “Great.” Mr. Maddison clapped his hands together, giving them a rub. “Okay, let’s see what you guys can do.”

  We spent the next ten minutes chatting about what we already knew, and then he pulled out two chord books that we were to take home and learn.

  “Memorize finger positions until it’s as natural as breathing. If you want to be brilliant guitarists, you have to practice your butts off.” He grinned, his wide teeth looking extra white framed by his dark beard.

  I opened the book, laying it on the stand so Summer and I could see the chords. The teacher spent a few minutes focusing on her while I messed around with fingering, finding the G chord first then shifting into D. It was easier to follow the little pictures than I thought it would be, and by the end of the session, I’d managed to strum three chords and change between them.

  Mr. Maddison tapped the stand with a little laugh. “I think you’re a natural, kid.” He took the book and flicked through the pages. “I want you to work through pages five to eight this week. The songs look simple, but don’t worry about that. Learning an instrument is like building a house. You get the basics right, that’s your foundation, then you just keep adding more and more layers. We’ll have you playing rock ’n’ roll in no time.”

  I was smiling so wide my face hurt. “Sounds good.”

  He chuckled. “Okay, you two, the bell’s due to go in about five, so just stay here and mess around until it rings.”

  Summer and I glanced at each other as he stepped out of the room. Then the door clicked shut and we both started laughing. I didn’t know why. I guess we were just high on the music, because as soon as he left we started practicing what we’d learned, grinning at each other when we played a chord together and actually sounded good.

  At this rate, I’d be playing like a pro in no time. I’d never been more motivated by anything in my life. I was determined to be as good as Jimmy. Because one day, I wanted to be in a band just like Chaos, and maybe I was sitting next to someone who could join me.

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  Cassie

  Felix had been practicing non-stop since Troy gave him that guitar. After six weeks of shutting himself away every afternoon and playing when I went out for my morning run, he was getting really good. He was passionate and therefore progressing at an accelerated rate. His guitar teacher emailed to tell me he was a natural.

  I’d never felt pride like it.

  The guitar playing had also put him in a good mood, which put me in a good mood. Since singing him into my arms that day, we’d gone from strength to strength. Life at home had become easier. Music filled the house. Felix started to actually eat the food I cooked him. He didn’t kick up too much of a fuss when I asked him to do the dishes, and so far the disorder in my structured life wasn’t throwing me off balance. Although most days I still didn’t feel good enough and the task of raising Felix was so monumental, I felt like we would somehow get through. We could do this.

  After years of letting Crystal down, I was finally redeeming myself, looking after her son the way I should have looked after her.

  I was determined not to fail my sister…but more than that, I was determined not to fail Felix, because he was growing on me big time, especially that sweet smile.

  I grinned back at him as I pulled the car into the drop-off bay outside Strantham Academy.

  “You all set?”

  “Yep.” He reached back for his school bag, hugging it to his chest and pausing to look at me.

  “Everything all right?”

  He nodded. “I, um…forgot to tell you.”

  My mind immediately jumped into caution mode. I hated that about myself, but I hopefully hid any kind of alarm behind my smile. “What’s that?” My voice was too tight, too twitchy.

  Dammit. Why couldn’t I be more like Crystal? She was the mother Felix really deserved.

  “I started reading Percy Jackson last night.”

  I gasped, my eyes rounding wide. “You did?”

  I couldn’t describe the feeling blooming in my chest. He was reading one of my favorite books. It meant so much to me.

  “Yeah, it’s really good.”

  “You think so? You like it?” My smile was huge and dominating, but I couldn’t help it. His enthusiasm over my Christmas gift had been nonexistent, so the fact he started reading it…that meant more than some kid just reading a book because he felt like it. He was reading Percy Jackson for me, and I wanted to wrap him in my arms and tell him…

  I pressed my lips together but couldn’t hold back my smile. “I’m so glad.”

  “I thought you’d like that.” He chuckled and gently nudged my shoulder. “Aw, Aunt Cass. You’re such a geek.”

  “I know.” I giggled, shaking my head and smoothing back my hair. “Thanks for not minding that about me.”

  He shook his head. “You’re all right, you know?”

  I bobbed my head but didn’t actually believe him. Patting his arm, I grinned. “So are you.”

  He snickered and reached for the handle then, stopped and turned back to face me again. He looked hesitant. Biting the inside of his cheek, he studied my face, letting a smile loose and totally blindsiding me with one simple question.

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  Felix

  “Guess what?” As soon as I said the words, my heart started pounding. I’d never played this game with anyone other than my mom. It felt weird s
aying it to Aunt Cass, but for the first time since moving in with her, I actually felt it. Like seriously.

  “What?” Her smile was tentative, unsure like it always was.

  I licked my bottom lip, then grinned. “I love you.”

  Her smile fell away, her lips parting. Her skin kind of drained of color and her knuckles went white as she gripped the steering wheel and looked out the window. She stared straight ahead, blinking like crazy. I couldn’t help a grin as I watched her. She really was weird.

  “It’s a game… Mom used to play with me all the time.”

  She whipped back to look at me. “Your…your mom said ‘I love you’?”

  “Every day.” I grinned, warmed by the memory until a weird kind of shyness took me over. Maybe I shouldn’t have said anything. Aunt Cass was looking at me with this pale surprise that I didn’t understand. Of course Mom told me she loved me. What mother wouldn’t?

  I cleared my throat and clicked the door open. “Anyway, thanks again for arranging the guitar and the lessons, and just…being cool. I know I said I didn’t want to live with you, but…I kind of like it. Thanks for taking me in.”

  Her mouth opened and closed then pulled into a smile. “Of course. You’ve become my favorite person. Made it very easy on me. You know I’d do anything for you, right?”

  “Yeah.” I nodded. “I do now. Thanks, Aunt Cass.”

  She cleared her throat, her head bobbing kind of fast and jerky. “You know, I…” Her voice seemed to stop working, like whatever she wanted to tell me refused to pop out of her mouth. In the end she sighed and mumbled, “Have a good day at school.”

  “Have a good day at work.” I shut the door and grabbed my guitar from the back before walking into school. It was getting easier each day. The assholes stayed out of my way as long as I didn’t make eye contact. Easy.

  Summer and I were hanging out every day in the music suite. Mr. Maddison let us use one of the small practice rooms, and we jammed together every chance we got. I was happy. Like actually happy.

  I reached the main entrance and glanced over my shoulder. Aunt Cass was still sitting there gazing out the windshield, like she was frozen or something. She looked kind of lost and hopeless. A horn beeped behind her and she jolted, glancing back before accelerating away from the curb like she was in a police chase.

  She really was weird sometimes.

  Maybe I shouldn’t have told her I loved her, but I kind of did. The longer I lived with her, the more I thought maybe we could make this work. She was an uptight freak, but there was definitely some sunshine in there. When she smiled without thinking, she looked just like Mom. I didn’t know why she stayed so closed off to everything or what she was so afraid of. I hoped she could figure it out. Because my mom was the most beautiful person ever…and maybe Aunt Cass could be too.

  An image of my mother dancing in our tiny living room came to me, flooding my mind and making me hum “Let The Sunshine In.” She used to love that song. Her face would practically glow when she sang it, swaying around the room like a hippie from the sixties.

  I smiled. I guessed Aunt Cass wasn’t the only weirdo in the family. My smile turned into a soft laugh as I strolled to the music room to drop off my guitar.

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  Troy

  I pushed my office door open and headed straight for the blinds. The day was beautiful and I wanted to let in as much sunlight as possible. Pulling them up, I secured the tie then dumped my bag at the foot of my desk. My calendar was pretty full for the day, but my first appointment didn’t start until nine thirty, which meant I had about forty minutes to catch up on emails.

  I was definitely behind. I’d been finding it harder to focus on work lately. My mind kept on getting overrun with Cassie. I made excuses to pop by her place to “check on Felix.” My plan worked. I’d been invited over for a few meals, and every time I hung out there, it felt like the most natural thing in the world. I’d subtly probed Cassie about her running and knew her favorite routes. It was kind of stalker-ish, but I’d ended up getting lucky and bumping into her a couple of times and we’d jog together, poor Jovi struggling to keep up. He’d collapse the second we arrived home.

  It was weird. I’d never felt like this about a girl before, especially one who was so cautious and closed off. I mean, I could tell she liked hanging out with me. Her smile was a little more open and she seemed to laugh more easily, but was that because of Felix or me? I guessed the reason didn’t really matter. Cassie was unfurling like a bloom in spring. It was beautiful and making it impossible not to feel something more than friendly affection.

  I still needed to try to break through her barrier. If I could just get her talking, make her feel safe enough to open up and get out some of the things that plagued her, I knew I could help set her free. And I wasn’t giving up until I had. Even though Felix was getting close to signing off—his grades were up, he was happy at school, we were making progress in his counseling sessions—I wasn’t ready to let them go. I wanted to be firmly in the friend—and possibly more—zone before I had to allocate his case time to another kid who needed me more.

  Raking a hand through my hair, I thumped into my seat and started up my computer.

  The screen had only just come to life when there was an urgent knocking on my door.

  I jumped up, immediately switching into problem-solving mode before even opening the door.

  My heart lurched into my throat when I spotted Cassie. Her face was pale, her eyes rimmed red, and the second we made eye contact, she burst into tears. I ushered her in and quickly shut the door. Guiding her to the couch, I grabbed the box of tissues and set them in front of her before taking the adjacent seat and leaning in to listen.

  She’d loosened up a little on the whole touching thing, and I could get away with a shoulder squeeze and elbow pat, but in that moment, it seemed wise to give her some space. I’d never seen her cry this big, and I had a feeling that something massive was breaking free. Some ugly truth from her past was going to come out in my office.

  As much as I hated seeing her upset, I couldn’t help hoping this was the cathartic moment she needed. I braced myself and waited for her to open up.

  She pulled in a shuddering breath, swiping at her tears and snatching a tissue out of the box. “I’m not good enough.” She hiccupped and dabbed at her cheeks. “Felix deserves so much more than I can give him.”

  “Okay.” I threaded my fingers together, resisting the urge to lurch forward and wrap her in a hug. “What’s triggering this? Did you and Felix have a fight this morning?”

  “No.” She flicked her hands up, then covered her face.

  I gave her another minute to whimper and whine. It was killing me. I wanted to hold her, make it all go away, but I just had to sit there, because she needed to do this.

  A couple more quivering breaths punched out of her before she found the control to murmur, “He told me he loved me. Said it just before he got out of the car this morning.”

  Okay. Unexpected that something so sweet could throw her. The inklings I’d been fighting since meeting Cassie started to stir, making me queasy. Did I really want to hear what she had to tell me? A woman afraid of the words “I love you” could mean a whole heap of things, and they weren’t good.

  But she had to do this.

  I gritted my teeth and reminded myself to speak slow and easy. “And that’s a problem because…”

  “I can’t say it back!” She looked at me, her eyes wide and vibrant. “I haven’t said those words since…” She started blinking and swallowed, her skin draining of the little color she had left. She looked grey, sick with fear and self-loathing.

  Oh, shit. No, I didn’t want to hear this.

  Her jaw worked to the side. “I don’t understand. I…”

  She sniffed, then whimpered. The pitiful sound tore large chunks out of me, only increasing that sick sense of foreboding.

  “Just take your time.” I swallowed. “You’re s
afe here, Cassie. You can say anything in this space and nothing bad is going to happen to you.”

  Her body shook, and she started so softly I had to strain to hear her.

  “I’m guessing you know Crystal and I were in the system.”

  I nodded.

  She stared at me for a moment, obviously trying to figure out how much I knew.

  I gave her a soft smile. “There’s a little information about Crystal in Felix’s file, but it only says she ran away from foster care at the age of fourteen. I don’t know why.”

  Cassie shuddered. “Thank you for not…” Her face crumpled. “Looking into it.”

  I shrugged. “Crystal wanted you to raise her son. You’ve never given me a reason to do a background check. You’re a wonderful caregiver for Felix.”

  She shook her head. “I want to be, but…”

  “But what, Cassie?” My voice was barely above a whisper. I didn’t want to ask, but I had to know. She had to get it out if she was going to move forward. It almost didn’t matter that unearthing whatever this ugly truth was would hurt like hell.

  “Mindy and Davis McCoy.” Cassie sniffed. “They were our foster parents for a few years. At first it wasn’t so bad, but then…” Her lips wobbled.

  It was basically impossible to ask. But when she went quiet, I had to choke out the question. “Did he abuse you?”

  Her expression puckered. “Crystal was twelve when he started sneaking into our room at night.”

  I closed my eyes, rage and repulsion warring for top place within me.

  “He used to make her say it. Every time he came in, he’d make her whisper ‘I love you, Davis’ before he started touching her. Sick bastard!” she spat. “Like those three words could somehow clean his filthy conscience.” Her expression washed with a look of rage and despair that made my stomach clench. I already knew what was coming, and I didn’t know if I’d have the strength to hear it. “The first time it happened, I just… I couldn’t believe it, you know. It was like a bad dream, and I kept on trying to wake up, but I couldn’t. Crystal was so scared. She knew why he was in there. He got into bed with her and then started whispering, telling her to say it. She wouldn’t at first. She was too terrified to say anything, but he got mad and punched her, so she did what he wanted.” Cassie swallowed. “And then he raped her. She whimpered and cried the whole time. I should have got up to help her, but I was so afraid that I was next. All I could do was lie there, hiding under the covers.”