She started to cry again, her entire body shaking. I wanted to tell her to stop, but I couldn’t help wondering if this was the first time she’d ever laid it bare, and I had to let her do it.
My throat was so thick I didn’t know how I croaked out my next question. “Do you feel guilty?”
Cassie shrugged. “Some days, but then logic reminds me that I’d just turned eight and I wouldn’t have been strong enough to stop him.” Her lips flat-lined, her voice cold and robotic. “She left me with him. Maybe that was my punishment. I spent two years doing nothing to help her and so she abandoned me. Left me alone with the beast.”
My eyes were burning. I wanted to find that fucker and kill him.
And how could Crystal just leave her there? I never would have left Jimmy alone in a situation like that.
Anger was making it hard to speak, but I had to ask. “Did he…touch you too?”
She swallowed. The sound was loud in my quiet office. “I wouldn’t tell him I loved him. He wasn’t getting those words from me.” Bitterness gave her voice a hard, unrecognizable edge.
“So what did he do?”
She stiffened, her nostrils flaring as she looked to the floor.
“He beat me.” Her voice turned clipped and matter-of-fact. “I’d stay down in the cellar until my bruises healed. Finally I’d be allowed back up…and he’d try again. And so it went for nearly two years. But I wouldn’t give in. I didn’t care how much those fists hurt. Those words were the only thing I could control.” Her chest heaved, a sob suddenly bursting out of her. Covering her mouth with quivering fingers, she met my gaze, showing me a piece of her soul. “And now I can’t say them at all! I don’t understand how someone who got raped every time she uttered those words could ever say them to anyone again. And then I, who got beaten up for not saying them, can’t! How am I supposed to love this kid when I don’t even know what love is? My mother died when I was six, and then the only person I really cared about left me in the hands of a monster. Felix needs someone who can give him all the things he deserves, and I don’t think it’s me.”
I dropped to my knees in front of her, gently taking her hands and holding them to my chest. “It is you, and you know how I know?”
She shook her head, her eyes glistening with despair.
I reached for her face, brushing the tears with my thumb and making my voice as tender as I could. It wasn’t hard. I was falling in love with this woman. All I wanted to do was cradle her against me, protect her, save her from the pain.
“I know it’s you because you’re sitting here crying about how to care for this kid. Love has a thousand faces, Cassie. Your actions over the last few months have made him feel safe enough to tell you that he loves you. That’s huge.”
She sniffed, her chest shuddering as she tried to calm her breathing.
“You’re safe now. When you tell Felix you love him, no one’s going to hurt you. Nothing bad will come from it.”
Her lips quivered. “I know that in my head, and I wanted to say it this morning, but I just couldn’t unearth the words.”
“One day you will.” I smiled at her, hoping she’d see my conviction. “Talking about this today, as hard as it was, helped you. It’s just one more step away from that pain. One step closer to becoming whoever you want to be and being able to say whatever you need to say.”
Leaning her face into my hand, she gave me one more glimpse of her heart. It was bright and beautiful. I was almost too scared to believe what I saw, but I couldn’t deny it. I wasn’t the only one falling. I wanted to kiss her so bad, to do something with the emotions swirling between us.
But she was way too vulnerable in that moment. I couldn’t…could I?
Searching her face, I held my breath. Time stood still while I waited but then I felt the shift. It was small and possibly missable, but she leaned forward and I couldn’t hold back.
I gently pressed my lips to hers. She flinched at first but then went still, not pulling away, not pushing forward. Her lips were soft. They tasted like orange gloss and salty tears.
She didn’t open her mouth. She simply leaned into me, resting her hand lightly on my shoulder and applying her own, hesitant pressure. I smiled against her lips, savoring how epic the moment was. I was kissing Cassie…and she was kissing back.
It was sweet and perfect. A moment filled with hope and possibility.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Cassie
I was kissing Troy. My first kiss ever. I expected it to be terrifying, disgusting, intrusive…but it was none of those things. Troy’s lips were soft and undemanding, gentle and sweet. He didn’t try to shove his tongue in my mouth or take without asking. He just pressed his lips to mine and waited. I rested my hand on his shoulder, resisting the urge to curl my fingers into his shirt. My insides were going crazy. I was kissing a man…and not just any man.
I was kissing Troy Baker—the kindest person I knew. The man I was quite possibly falling in love with.
Horrifying. I never thought I could ever feel something like that, but it was happening and I couldn’t stop it. I didn’t even want to.
The thought made me pull away. Troy brushed the pads of his fingers down my cheek. Soft and gentle. His breath tickled my chin as he searched my eyes. I couldn’t say anything; my voice had been shocked into hiding. The tidal wave of emotions coursing through me had shut down every sense but touch and sight.
He was so incredibly beautiful. So near. So open.
His perfect lips curved into a smile, his eyes glimmering with affection.
There was nothing greedy or evil about him. I could trust this man. I already knew that, but…could I trust him with more? Between him and Felix, every barrier within me was starting to tremble and fall. It made me vulnerable, weak. I expected that feeling to make me want to sprint, but I just sat there, gazing at his smile…unable to move.
A soft knock on the door jolted us both. I fisted Troy’s shirt without meaning to, breaths punching out of me.
“It’s okay.” He chuckled, uncurling my fingers and kissing my hand. His smile was a touch pained as he called out, “Just a minute.” Brushing my cheek with the back of his knuckles, he winced. “My nine thirty’s here. I—”
“That’s okay.” I cut him off, standing tall and smoothing down my skirt, quickly taking back any control the kiss may have taken from me. Lightly brushing my lower lip, I had to fight a smile at the buzz firing through my body. I wanted to kiss him again.
Curling my fingers into a fist, I cut the thought from my mind and snatched my bag off the floor.
“I hate the idea of you just suddenly having to leave like this.” Troy reached for my hand.
I nearly tucked it in my pocket, but that would have hurt his feelings. I let him take my hand and rub his thumb over my skin. His touch was so confident, his hands large and strong. They could do so much damage, but they wouldn’t, because he wasn’t Davis McCoy. I could let go at any moment and he wouldn’t get mad. I still had control. I was safe.
He didn’t know the whole truth though.
I’d never give him that. I saw his face when I told him Crystal had been raped by that monster. How could he possibly love me if he knew I’d suffered the same fate?
I reminded myself yet again that the night never happened. That was one door I wasn’t opening…one step I’d never take. I could become who I needed to be without unleashing that ugliness on anybody.
I’d given Troy enough of my past.
I forced my eyes up to his face, hoping I was right.
His smile faltered, a nervous flush working across his skin. “Do you want to go out to dinner sometime? We could talk some more.”
“Uh…” I swallowed. “I’m not sure if I’m up for more talking…like that. It’s kind of exhausting.”
He looked disappointed for a second but then shrugged and grinned. “Okay, well, how about we just go have some fun?”
I hesitated for a second. “You-you mean, like a da
te?”
He chuckled, his eyes narrowing a little as he studied me. “We don’t have to call it that. Why don’t we just say a dinner for two, and you can dictate how it goes. Whatever you want to do.” He winked. “I won’t even kiss ya goodnight, if you don’t want me to.”
I couldn’t help a nervous titter. His smile could unravel me in a heartbeat.
Smoothing a hand over my hair, I tried not to sound too nervous as the last words I expected popped out of my mouth. “Okay. Yeah, we could…” I bobbed my head then breathed, “Okay.”
Why was I saying yes?
Because I wanted to go out and have some fun…with a guy. Something I’d never really done.
“All right then.” Troy guided me to the door with a hand on my lower back. Damn, it felt good.
I paused at the door and glanced over my shoulder. He was towering behind me, tall and protective. I could get used to that. I gave him a tentative smile. “So, I’ll…”
His grin was wide and sweet. “I’ll text you this afternoon. We’ll work out a time.”
“Okay.” My voice had gotten kind of breathy in the last hour. Was it the gut-wrenching sobbing or the fact I’d had my first kiss?
“See ya soon, Cass.” His husky voice touched me right at the core, and I didn’t need to ask myself any more questions.
I’d shown Troy a piece of my wretched soul and he’d kissed me for it. I was breathy because of him and him alone.
Chapter Thirty
Felix
I knew Aunt Cass was uptight, but she was off the charts as she got ready to go out with Troy. She’d spent the day frenetically cleaning. I helped out by tidying my bedroom enough so that she could vacuum the rug and wash the floors. The house sparkled, and I was almost afraid to touch anything. She’d quadruple-checked I’d be okay, told me over and over that she wouldn’t be late, laid out food for me, made sure I was all set with her cell phone number.
“Nothin’ But A Good Time” pumped from the stereo in the living room. I tapped my foot to the beat and tried to strum along with the guitar. It was a little hard to keep up, but I would get it. I wanted to show Summer on Monday.
“Don’t need nothin’…” I mumbled along with the chorus, loving the song. As the second verse kicked in, I grinned and shuffled around the living room, acting like a rock star. The specks on the wooden floor became a screaming crowd. I banged my head, pretending I was dressed in smokin’ hot leather and the girls were drooling over me.
The guitar solo began and I got totally lost, my fingers feeling clunky and slow on the strings. Damn, I had some work to do.
I rewound the music back to the solo and listened to it more carefully, focusing on the notes and chords. I then stopped it and went through it again slowly, reworking the pattern until it didn’t sound so bad.
A sharp tapping sound rushed down the hall, and I glanced over my shoulder as Aunt Cassie walked into the room. She wrung her hands, then smoothed down her purple dress.
“Do I look okay?”
“Yeah, sure.” I nodded, smiling at her in the hopes of wiping the jitters away. She’d be a wreck before Troy even got her out the door.
I thought it was kind of cute that he was taking her out on a date. Aunt Cass kept saying it was just them hanging out for dinner, but she couldn’t fool me.
“The heels don’t work, right? I mean, I can’t even walk in heels, so why am I wearing heels!” Her voice got kind of high and screechy, which made me laugh. I couldn’t help it.
She let out this weird kind of whine that turned into a screamy thing before she spun and wobbled back to her room.
Placing my guitar on the couch, I quietly walked after her. Her door was wide open, her heels kicked off on the floor.
“I don’t think I can do this,” she muttered to herself.
I cleared my throat and shuffled in. “Why don’t you wear those flat shoes you like? You know, the black ones.”
“I just thought they might be too boring. I mean, I’m gonna be standing next to Troy.”
“So?” I shrugged, digging my hands into my pockets.
“So, he’s gorgeous and I’m just… I’m…”
“Pretty?”
“No!” She flicked her hands up. “I’m plain.” Her shoulders slumped and she closed her eyes. “I’ve only gone on one other date in my life, and it was a total disaster. I’m so nervous. I hate feeling like this.”
“Everybody does.” I smiled, trying to make her feel better. “Look, don’t stress. You’re gonna be great. The dress is really nice. Let your hair down, put some sparkly earrings in, and you’ll look amazing. He won’t even notice your shoes.”
She glanced up at me, her expression forming a mushy smile that reminded me of Mom.
I looked to the floor and scratched the back of my neck, not wanting to admit just how much her smile warmed me.
“You really think sparkly earrings will do the trick?”
“For sure.” I nodded. “Mom always said that you can never have too much sparkle in this world.”
“Really?” Aunt Cass’s lips were toying with a grin, I could tell.
I nodded. “Yep. She was convinced sparkles could make people smile.”
She grinned.
“Actually, she was convinced a lot of things could make people smile, but sparkles were one of them.” I snickered, remembering my mother’s conviction. She made it impossible not to adore her.
An unexpected sadness swept through me, stealing my joy for a moment. Man, I missed her so much.
Aunt Cassie cleared her throat and stepped to her dresser. “Well, maybe you could help me pick something.”
I could see she was trying to distract me, and I didn’t mind so much. We picked through the jewelry box and unearthed some sparkly earrings that kind of dangled. I then had to convince her to pull her hair tie free. Finally, with shaking hands, she let her hair down, brushing her fingers through the long locks and curling one of them around her pinky.
I grinned. “You look cool. I like your hair down.”
“Really?” She glanced in the mirror, her expression doubtful. “Why?”
“Believe it or not, you look more relaxed…like you don’t have a stick up your butt.”
She gasped, rounding her eyes at me.
I laughed. “Sorry, but it’s kind of true.”
It was pretty funny, watching her stand there, not sure what to say. I think she wanted to tell me off but couldn’t quite bring herself to do it.
That only made me laugh harder.
Eventually she rolled her eyes and gave me a gentle nudge with her elbow.
I wanted to tell her I loved her again, smooth things over, but after what happened last time I said it, I wasn’t sure I should.
Instead, I smiled at her and hoped it was enough.
She went still, staring at me as a slow grin formed on her lips. “You sure you’re going to be okay tonight?”
I groaned. “Would you stop asking? I’m gonna be fine.” I walked to the living room and she followed me, so I talked over my shoulder. “I’ve got food, drink, music, books. I don’t need anything else.”
“You’re welcome to watch a movie.”
I shrugged, not really that interested. Heading for my guitar, Aunt Cass stopped me with her hand on my shoulder. Spinning me around, she smiled and said, “I don’t know much about kids still, but I get this sense that you’re not the average kind.”
With a frown, I shook my head, not sure what she was trying to say to me.
Her snicker was light and playful as she pulled me into a tentative hug. “I think it’s the coolest thing in the world. I wouldn’t want you any other way.”
Again my body flooded with warmth, the familiar kind I used to feel when I hung out with Mom. I squeezed back and rubbed Aunt Cassie’s shoulder, then pulled away when the doorbell rang.
Aunt Cass stopped breathing, so I rubbed her arm and reminded her she was gonna be great. I answered the door for her.
&nb
sp; Troy stood on the porch, tall and cool in his standard leather jacket and jean combo. “Hey, Felix. How’s it going, man?”
I grinned, punching his fist before stepping back so he could check out his not-a-date.
He caught a glimpse of her and breathed out one simple word. “Wow.”
I thought Aunt Cass was going to melt right into the floor. Her cheeks flared with color, and she didn’t need those sparkly earrings anymore—her smile was enough to light a city.
Standing by the door, I took it all in, trying not to laugh out loud as I watched them say hi to each other and then leave on their not-a-date.
Yeah, right.
Closing the door, I locked it and called out, “I’m in, now go out. Have fun. Sparkle!”
Aunt Cassie laughed and I ran for my guitar, slumping onto the couch with a whoop before grabbing the remote and cranking up “Nothin’ But A Good Time” again.
It was gonna be a good night.
Chapter Thirty-One
Troy
Cassie looked amazing. Her hair was down, which I’d never seen before. It was beautiful with a slight wave that curled around her shoulders. Her purple dress was simple and modest but fitted her slim figure perfectly. I couldn’t help a touch of pride as I walked down the street beside her. I was with the prettiest girl on the block, and I couldn’t stop smiling.
Hole Hearted (A Songbird Novel) Page 14
