Hole Hearted (A Songbird Novel)

by Melissa Pearl

  I took her to a hipster diner near Griffin Park. She had the grilled chicken while I wolfed down a plate of pasta. It was so good. We skipped dessert and decided to stroll the street instead, checking out the shops. Cassie seemed in a good mood, so I kept the conversation light and fun. I was smart enough to know she had more talking to do. But the snippets of her dark past she told me in my office had obviously released something. She seemed lighter already.

  Part of me knew I had to push for more, but I just wanted to enjoy the night. I wanted to pretend like there wasn’t more.

  But I knew better.

  One tear-fest over such darkness was usually not enough to set someone completely free.

  After Cassie left my office, I spent the rest of my day trying to focus on other patients and cases, but I was haunted by visions of an evil man sneaking into Cassie’s room and abusing her. She must have only been ten or eleven when he beat her like that. Then locking her in a cellar? I wanted to kill him. What kind of sick asshole raped a kid, forced her to tell him that she loved him. It was twisted and sick. The fact he never broke Cassie showed her true strength. At such a young age being beaten and locked in a cellar. I wanted to cry for her.

  I hadn’t been sleeping well since finding out, but I was determined to hide it. Cassie was a survivor, and since Felix had come into her life, she was learning how to open up and actually live. I wanted to keep fueling that, give her every good thing, show her that not all men were evil. I wanted to prove I could give her the love she deserved.

  “What’s this place?” Cassie veered off the sidewalk and into a secondhand book and music store.

  I jumped forward and opened the door for her. She gave me a blushing smile and slipped inside. The soft music hit me first, “Heaven” by Warrant. Yes, classic. I loved the place immediately.

  Lightly touching Cassie’s back, I led her down the aisle of CDs. The walls were covered with posters of ’80s rock bands—Kiss, Scorpion, Poison, Twisted Sister, Bon Jovi. I grinned at the big hair and bandanas. Epic. I couldn’t believe I hadn’t found the place sooner.

  The owner caught my eye and I grinned at him. “Great place.”

  “Thanks.” He raised his eyebrows. “There’s a stereo over there if you want to play anything.”

  I followed his pudgy finger and spotted the sound system. “Thanks, man.”

  Cassie had stopped and was flipping through a few discs. “I wonder if there’s anything in here Felix doesn’t have yet. Maybe I could buy him something.”

  “I’m sure he’d love that.” I leaned over her shoulder, loving how close she was letting me. She didn’t shy away when I slung my arm around her. I kept reminding myself to keep it casual and light.

  She grinned, pulling out Def Leppard’s Rock of Ages. “A little surprise?”

  “I’m pretty sure he’s already got that one.”

  Her frown was cute, pulling her eyebrows together. “You’re right. His collection’s so big. I probably won’t find anything he doesn’t already have.”

  “You know, if you’re looking to surprise him, I’ve actually got the perfect idea. I meant to run it by you earlier this week but I forgot.”

  She turned to gaze up at me, her eyes wide with curiosity.

  “Jimmy said if I ever wanted to bring Felix along to one of his practices, he’d—”

  Cassie’s gasp cut me off. “Really? Oh my gosh, that would be amazing. He’d love that!”

  I chuckled and took a risk, squeezing her into a light hug. I couldn’t help it. She looked way too cute not to cuddle. She didn’t fight me, and when I pulled back she was still grinning.

  It felt like a massive win.

  “Okay, well, I’ll set it up.”

  “We’re free tomorrow.” Cassie’s nose wrinkled. “That’s probably too short notice, right?”

  “No, I think we can make that work.” I pulled the phone from my back pocket and texted my brother while Cassie went back to flipping through CDs. Glancing around the shop, I spotted the rows of bookshelves and figured we’d probably be here a while. I didn’t mind. Hanging out with Cassie in her happy place was just what the doctor ordered. She needed this—joy, smiles, normalcy.

  A rage-filled sadness swept through me again as I pictured her curled up on a cellar floor, cold and aching from the bruises on her body. I clenched my jaw and blinked, trying to hide how vivid the images in my head were, how much they hurt me.

  I wanted to know how she got away from the guy, but I didn’t want to bring him into our evening. That conversation could come up later, once she trusted me enough to let it all out. The fact she’d given me what she had was huge, and I needed to keep building that sense of safety.

  As if reading my mind, the next song kicked in. “I’ll Be There For You”—Bon Jovi at his best. Perfect. I hovered close to Cassie, watching her out of the corner of my eye while I started mouthing the words. She didn’t notice me at first, but then as the song grew more intense, I put in a little more effort and started hamming it up, throwing my all into mouthing the lyrics.

  She did a double take but then couldn’t fight her grin, a soft laugh popping between her lips as I stretched my arms wide on the chorus. Closing my eyes, I started into the second verse, over-exaggerating the words and pretending I was a rock star from the eighties.

  Cassie’s laughter grew, and when I opened my eyes her smile was so beautiful I nearly lost my place. Pulling it together, I put my all into the final bridge and chorus, finishing the song with a flourish.

  She was still laughing, but she threw in a soft clap and cheer when I took a bow. Standing tall, I stepped right into her space, lightly brushing my fingers down her cheek and whispering, “I will be there for you. No matter what.”

  Her smile fled, her eyes filling with tears. I leaned forward and pressed my lips to hers before any of them could fall.

  And then the music played another romance card. Before the intro for “Can’t Fight This Feeling” had even finished, I placed my arm around Cassie’s waist and started swaying to the music. She let out a nervous giggle, then looked over her shoulder at the owner. He was absorbed in a magazine, and it gave her the confidence to turn back and look up at me.

  I started mouthing the words to the chorus, and very slowly her hands trailed up my arms. She looked kind of scared, so I winked at her and gave her my best smile.

  She responded with a sweet blush and linked her fingers behind my back, finally starting to sway with me.

  It was another win, and I couldn’t deny that in that moment I felt happier than I ever had. Winding my arms a little tighter around her waist, I pulled her against me. She rested her chin on my shoulder, splaying her hand on my back and holding me like she never wanted to let go.

  I was cool with that, because I could see myself holding this woman for the rest of my life.

  Chapter Thirty-Two

  Felix

  I was gonna pee my pants. I swear, I was so excited, I was gonna pee my pants.

  When Aunt Cass got back from her date with Troy, she floated in the door. I was still working on my guitar solo. I made her listen to it before she could say anything, and when I was done, she clapped then told me the news.

  I was invited to a Chaos practice.

  A Chaos practice!

  I couldn’t believe it.

  My knee bobbed in the back of Troy’s wagon as we wound down a quiet street and stopped outside a sliding gate.

  The Chaos mansion. Holy shit!

  Troy pressed the intercom. The buzz was loud, and my stomach jumped with butterflies.

  “Yo.”

  “Hey, Flick. It’s Troy.”

  “You may enter.”

  Troy snickered and rolled his eyes, resting his wrist on the wheel while the gate ground open.

  “How’d you know who it was?” Aunt Cass murmured.

  “Flick’s the only one who’d answer with a yo. He likes to use as few words as possible whenever he can.”

  Aunt Cass glan
ced over her shoulder to check on me. “You good?”

  I nodded. My head felt like it was being held up by a wet sponge. I was about to meet rock stars.

  Troy drove up the driveway, curving around the massive white house and parking next to a row of vehicles. A wide open lawn, green and lush, stretched between the main house and a smaller guest house.

  Music was already blasting from the small white building. I slammed the car door closed with a grin, resisting the urge to run down the path and check it out.

  “Don’t forget the guitar.” Aunt Cass smiled at me.

  I bit my lip, my face scrunching with doubt. I wasn’t good enough to play with those guys.

  “Maybe I should leave it in the car.” I scratched the back of my neck.

  “Not happening.” Troy laughed and grabbed the guitar out for me. He passed it over, and I made him wait three long beats before I found the courage to take it. “You’re awesome. Never forget that.” He looked me straight in the eye, willing me to believe every word.

  I thought of Mom and the way she always said we were lucky. As I trailed Troy and Aunt Cass down the path, I had to agree. I could have been living with a foster family who could take or leave me, but I’d ended up with an aunt who cared enough to make this happen.

  I was lucky. I was the luckiest guy in the world.

  The thought helped me relax, and when I walked in the door and caught sight of Jimmy strumming and singing into the mic, I couldn’t help a goofy grin.

  He had his back to us and was playing “Hey Leonardo” to Nessa, who was on the drums. She had a hook attached to her arm, and I couldn’t take my eyes off it. She played like a pro, keeping time and crashing the cymbals. She was so good.

  Neither of them had noticed us yet. They were obviously messing around while they waited for the rest of the band to show up.

  Nessa was smiling at Jimmy with stars in her eyes. She looked totally in love and it made me blush. I couldn’t imagine a girl ever looking at me that way.

  Troy stepped down into the room and Jimmy glanced over his shoulder, doing a double take and bringing the song to a quick finish. He turned to face us with a huge smile.

  “Hey, man. How’s it going?” He greeted Troy with an eyebrow raise, then looked past Aunt Cassie to me. His eyes narrowed slightly when he saw the guitar case in my hand. It made me want to squirm, but then his face broke into a grin that told me I was all right.

  I swallowed and inched a little closer to the practice area.

  Nessa was out of her seat and bounding around the instruments to give Troy a hug. He lifted her off her feet and kissed her cheek.

  “Meet my friends, Cassie and Felix.”

  “Hi.” Nessa’s smile was pretty. Damn, she was way hotter close up.

  My palms were no doubt sweating when I shook her hand. I hoped she didn’t notice.

  “So.” She crossed her arms and gazed at me. “You’re the genius guitar player.”

  “What? No, I’m not…” I shook my head and had to clear my throat to be able to keep talking. “I’m still learning.”

  “Troy told me you were kick-ass.” She tipped her head at him, then poked her tongue out the side of her mouth. “You want to show me what you can do?”

  “Uh…” I looked at Jimmy, who was smirking at me. His forearm was resting on his guitar. He was so natural, casual…just like I wanted to be.

  My eyes then flicked to Aunt Cass. She gave me an encouraging smile and mouthed, “You can do it.”

  I cleared my throat…again! The room felt hotter than it did before.

  “Come on, man. Give us a song and we’ll have a jam.” Jimmy raised his eyebrows.

  Footsteps entered behind me, and I spun to spot Ralphie and some girl I didn’t recognize. Her smile was sweet and friendly.

  “Hi.” She waved her fingers. “I’m Ronnie. Nessa’s sister.”

  “And my girl.” Ralphie wrapped his arm around her shoulders and kissed her forehead before loping over to me. “You must be Felix, right? Welcome to band practice.”

  “Um, thanks.” I licked my bottom lip and tried for a smile. I must have looked like such an idiot.

  “So, you wanna unlock that bad boy and play a little something while we wait for Flick and Jace?” Jimmy asked me again. If I didn’t do something soon, I was going to win the World’s Biggest Moron award.

  I forced my head to bob and quickly laid the guitar case down on the kitchen counter, ensuring I took extra care when taking it out. I wanted Jimmy to know I wouldn’t do anything to hurt his guitar. Flipping the strap over my shoulder, I started to tune it. My fingers were trembling as I adjusted the pegs. Ralphie tuned up with me, easing my nerves and encouraging me to move a little closer.

  Nessa’s sister took a seat on the couch, waving her hand for Aunt Cass to join her. My aunt shuffled over, looking about as nervous as me.

  Gripping the neck of the guitar, I inched into the practice circle. Nessa was back on the drums and eyeing me expectantly.

  “So, what do you want to play?”

  “Uh…” I scratched the back of my neck. “Do you guys know ‘Black Betty’?”

  Nessa’s face lit like a Christmas tree and she let out a whoop. “The boy’s a rocker!”

  She started thumping the bass pedal and brought me in with a quick beat. I came in on time, strumming the right chords. As the song quickly built, Jimmy joined me, adding in the more fiddly complicated bits. I couldn’t stop grinning as I played with them…and then Jimmy started singing.

  I swear, I entered heaven.

  Jimmy’s fingers on the strings were magic to watch. And I loved the way Ralphie bobbed his head and hit the fat bass strings. It made me wish Summer was with me. She’d be drooling.

  Nessa couldn’t stop smiling as she played the drums. She actually started laughing when the fast part started. She and Jimmy rocked out, and I lost my place, too in awe of their talent to do anything but stand there gaping.

  I wanted to be just like that. Part of a group where they were so in sync they could play whatever, whenever. I could tell by the way they interacted that these guys were family.

  Nessa finished off the song with a short solo then threw her stick in the air, catching it again before slamming it on the cymbals.

  Troy whistled and Cassie clapped. Ronnie let out a cheer, and all I could do was stand there grinning.

  Chapter Thirty-Three

  Cassie

  I’d never seen Felix so happy. He practically floated out of the practice when it was done. A guy called Flick had shown up during “Black Betty” and stood there looking impressed. Too bad my nephew stopped playing halfway through the song. But the awe on his face… I wish I could have captured it. I kicked myself for not taking a photo. I’d never had to be that person before, the one who pulled out her camera to capture memories. I didn’t have any memories worth capturing. But now I did. And I needed to start cherishing them.

  Getting Felix off to school the next day was a breeze. Since starting guitar lessons, he seemed happier to go, but I was pretty sure he spent lunchtimes hiding from those bullies who tried to take him down his first week. A hot rage still whistled through me every time I thought about them. I was secretly glad Felix had pummeled that kid. He deserved exactly what he’d gotten. Relief that Felix was strong and feisty enough to stand up for himself was an understatement. I never wanted him to be terrorized the way I’d been. The thought of something like that happening to him made my stomach surge with bile.

  But I didn’t have to worry. Felix was a fighter and I hoped he always would be. When I dropped him off that morning, he practically skipped into school. He said he couldn’t wait to tell his class what he’d done over the weekend.

  “I’ve met Chaos in person! I’ve played with them! I’m going to be cool now.”

  “You’re cool already,” I reassured him.

  Jimmy’s precious guitar would no doubt be on full display, and I couldn’t wait to hear about it after school.
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  Traffic was lighter than usual, probably because Felix got ready so much faster than normal. He couldn’t wait to get out the door. I ended up being a couple of minutes early to work, and rather than rushing in and getting started, I decided to sit back and read a few more pages of Crystal’s diary. I’d been working through it over the past few weeks. Just a few pages every now and then. Some entries were pretty heartbreaking, and I had to be in a good headspace in order to cope with them.

  Crystal wrestled with some pretty dark demons. She was haunted by groping hands, violation, and pain. She felt dirty, unworthy, like she was somehow to blame for what he did to her. Logically, I think she understood that she wasn’t, but a broken soul can be more powerful than logic. It can wipe all common sense from the mind.

  Pulling out the worn book, I found my place and smoothed the page back. Every now and then I’d read a passage that made me warm, like the entry about her naming Felix after the cartoon cat we both adored. She said the name reminded her of me. I, of course, bawled my eyes out over that one, but they were tears of sentiment, not pain.

  I steeled myself, deciding that no matter what I read, I would not cry. As I sat in the car that morning, I was going to read something that would uplift and motivate me.

  “Help me out, Crys,” I muttered.

  Felix is perfect. He is sweet and beautiful.

  He’s only been in this world three months and he’s making me a believer.

  Art tells me every day when he visits that I’m a wonderful mother. He tells me God loves me and that I have everything I need to raise this boy.

  It’s hard to believe him sometimes, but I’ve just watched my son fall asleep in my arms. He’s soft and perfect, with his round cheeks and delicate eyelashes. The way he smells. Everything about him is so innocent, so trusting. Everything about him is pure and good.

  Is this what love is supposed to look like? Memories of Mom grow stronger each day and I think I’m right. Love is supposed to be like this.