Hole Hearted (A Songbird Novel)

by Melissa Pearl

  Narrowing my eyes, I walked straight over to Ginny, dumped my bag by her feet and pulled out my phone.

  “I know you didn’t believe me yesterday about the whole Chaos thing, so I thought you should see this.”

  I unlocked the screen and pressed play on the video that was ready and waiting.

  “Hey, guys. Chaos here.” Jimmy smiled.

  It took less than five seconds for me to be surrounded. Every kid in the class clambered around me, leaning over each other to look down at my phone.

  “This is a shout-out to our boy, Felix. It was great having you at practice the other day, man. You killed it on the guitar.”

  “You’re a true rock star.” Nessa made the rock ’n’ roll sign with her hand. “So, we’d like to invite you back for another jam session. Bring a friend along if you want.”

  Flick leaned in and pointed at the camera. “But not that little shithead who broke Jimmy’s guitar.”

  Ralphie laughed. “Yeah, you tell that butt weed from 7JT to stick it. We only want cool people hanging out at our practices.” The smile dropped from his face and he looked at the camera, his warning clear.

  I felt a shift behind me and glanced over my shoulder to see Dickhead shrinking with a shame-faced frown.

  “We’ll catch you again soon, Felix.” Jace grinned and waved at the camera. I heard a swooning sigh behind me and noticed one of Ginny’s friends bugging out as Chaos said goodbye.

  “Wow,” she breathed into my ear. “That is so cool.” Her eyes danced and she looked at me like she never had before. “You know, I totally adore Chaos, right?”

  “Me too!” Ginny glared at her friend, then put on her sweet eyes for me. She even twirled a lock of hair around her finger when she smiled at me. “I’d love to meet them.”

  “So?” I leaned away from her, shoving the phone back into my pocket and wrestling my way out of the circle. Summer was standing back. She’d heard the whole thing but had yet to see it.

  She smirked and gave me a thumbs-up. “Nice one,” she murmured when I got close enough to hear her. “Shithead and butt weed.” Her snicker was like music. “My day has officially been made.”

  “You want to come with me?”

  She froze for a second, did two big blinks, and then whispered, “What?”

  “To the Chaos practice. You wanna come?”

  “You’re inviting me?” She pointed at herself.

  “Yeah.” I shrugged. “You’re the only person who’ll appreciate it and—”

  She let out this girly kind of squeal and wrapped her arms around me. The whole class ooed and started jeering. To be honest, I was kind of taken off guard, but I went with it, giving her a light squeeze around the waist before she pulled back.

  Gripping my shoulders, she shook me and did this little happy dance.

  So I finished my sentence. “And you’re a good friend.”

  Her eyebrow arched, her excitement contained once again behind her cool facade. “I think I’m your only friend.”

  “Ditto,” I retorted, and she agreed with a nod.

  “I’ve just been waiting for someone cool enough to hang out with.” She shrugged and then winked at me.

  The bell rang and I turned for my seat, not missing Ginny’s disappointed frown and the icy glare she shot Summer.

  I snickered and shook my head, making sure she saw how pitiful I thought she was.

  Her cheeks flared red, and she spun to face the front.

  It was weird. When I first arrived at this school, I thought she was the prettiest thing I’d ever seen. But she didn’t seem as sparkly as she used to.

  Glancing over my shoulder, I caught Summer’s gaze and grinned at her.

  She grinned back, confirming it officially. I had a new best friend, and she was most likely the coolest chick I would ever hang out with.

  Chapter Thirty-Nine

  Cassie

  It was the weekend.

  Saturday evening, to be more precise. The day I said I’d go over to Troy’s for another date. The day I kind of implied that maybe we could have sex.

  I mean, I wanted to. Troy and I had been hanging out a lot. He called or texted every day, just to check in—a sweet little gesture that made me smile. I waited for it and felt like I could fly when I saw his name pop up on my screen.

  I cared about him. Truth was I probably loved him. I was just too afraid to admit it to anyone.

  It was hard to hide my jitters as I dropped Felix off at Summer’s house. Troy and Jimmy had taken him out that morning to pick a new guitar. Felix was in heaven and couldn’t wait to show his new friend. I did the right thing and walked him to the door, met Summer’s parents, had a little chat with her mother and walked back to my car feeling like a real mom. It was a weird sensation, but also kind of nice.

  Felix would be safe at Summer’s place, and I’d pick him up at ten that night.

  I glanced at my watch as I pulled up to Troy’s apartment. It was six twenty. I was ten minutes early, but I figured he wouldn’t mind. Pulling in a slow breath, I trembled up the stairs, reminding myself I could do it.

  Troy was a good man. He wouldn’t hurt me, demand anything from me. I could do this monumental thing with him and it’d be okay. I had nothing to fear.

  I wanted to sleep with him. The sensation of kissing him felt divine and I wanted more, but the rock covering the darkest part of me quivered and rattled as I walked to his door. I was determined to control it, to remind myself that I was worthy of this moment, that the night I wanted to pretend never happened would not destroy this moment for me.

  I was not a worthless cellar rat. I could live a normal life. I could be caressed by a man. I could say the words “I love you” and not get harmed for it.

  I didn’t have to unearth my past or bring Davis into Troy’s apartment with me.

  Easier said than done.

  My finger shook as I pressed the buzzer.

  Jovi started barking, and I heard his scampering paws. I’d seen him several times over the past few weeks. Felix adored him and I was adjusting. When Troy opened the door, I crouched down and said hi to the happy bulldog. His stumpy tail wagged as I patted his head. I’d never given him so much attention, and he was relishing every second of it.

  In truth, I was probably doing it to avoid direct eye contact with Troy. I was so nervous I wanted to throw up.

  “He’s loving you right now.” Troy laughed and ushered me in the door.

  I finally found the courage to glance up. Troy’s smile was sweet enough to melt into, and I scolded myself for being so uptight. He was amazing on so many levels. I was where I was meant to be.

  “Felix play guitar all afternoon?” Troy asked when I followed him into the living room.

  I grinned. “He’s going to play that thing until his fingers bleed, I swear. He’s so in love at the moment.”

  Troy laughed. “You should have seen him when he was trying to choose a guitar. He hung off Jimmy’s every word.”

  “It’s so nice of your brother to look out for him like this.” I patted my chest. “I can’t tell you how much it means to me.”

  “It means a lot to me too.” Troy’s voice was thick with emotion, which just reinforced how much I wanted him to be part of team Felix and Cassie.

  The thought froze my voice box, and all I could do was stand there gazing at Troy and loving everything about him.

  He approached me slowly, taking my hand and kissing my knuckles. I blushed and stepped forward, closing the gap between us. He brushed his thumb across my cheek, then kissed my ear.

  “I have dinner ready,” he whispered.

  “I think I’m too nervous to eat,” I admitted, too afraid to look up at him.

  He tipped my chin. “I don’t want you to be nervous. Let’s just make this a dinner for two and we’ll see how things unfold, okay?”

  I bobbed my head, forcing myself to breathe. His hand rested on my lower back as he led me to the table. I took a seat, and Troy starte
d chatting about his day. He told me a funny story about Jovi, which got me laughing. He then asked me about my run, which got me talking. Before we ate the pineapple and soy glazed salmon he’d made, he lit some candles and set some music playing. It was all slow ballads from the eighties and nineties—so Troy. I loved it.

  We had vanilla ice cream with fresh raspberries and chocolate sauce for dessert. By the time I’d licked my spoon clean, I felt relaxed and happy. It was easy to forget my nerves as I laughed at his humor and smiled at his compliments.

  We talked about Felix for a while, acted like an everyday couple having an everyday conversation about their kid.

  It wasn’t until the music shifted to “When I Look Into Your Eyes” that Troy’s voice trailed off and he just stared at me, telling me he loved me, telling me he wanted me without uttering a word.

  “I think I’m ready,” I whispered.

  He didn’t say anything, but his gaze went a touch gooier. I could have melted right into it.

  My heart took off racing as his finger trailed delicate patterns over my wrist. He took my hand and pulled me to my feet. His arm was strong as he glided it around my back and danced me toward the bedroom. He paused in the doorframe, leaning me back against the wood and kissing me. It was soft at first but then grew with fervor as I dipped my tongue into his mouth.

  He squeezed my hip, moaning softly, then pulled back and rested his forehead against mine. “I want you to be sure.”

  “I’m sure.” I swallowed and looked at him.

  I wasn’t. The rock inside me, the one keeping my darkest secrets at bay, was rattling. I closed my eyes, willing it to stay in place. I could do this with Troy. I could be a normal person.

  Desire pulsed through me. I wanted him. I wanted to experience this with him.

  “I love you, Cassie. I’d never do anything to hurt you.”

  “I know,” I whispered.

  My heart was thundering, telling me two different things. Fear and desire were at war. I had to let desire win.

  Squeezing the back of Troy’s neck, I rose and planted my lips on his. He took my permission and lifted me off the floor, carrying me into his dimly lit room and placing me on the bed.

  I lay down, my insides trembling as he ran his fingers softly down my side.

  If I could just keep my lips on his, everything would be okay.

  His touch was feather-light, skimming my thigh before palming my butt and giving it a gentle squeeze.

  And then his lips left mine.

  They brushed my chin and started kissing my neck, working over my shoulder. He pushed the fabric away, my bra strap slipping out of place, and the rock that had been keeping me safe for the last ten years flew off.

  Ripping fabric.

  Screaming.

  Pain.

  Blood.

  It all came back in a rush so fast I thought I might choke.

  I squeezed my eyes against the torment, willing myself not to lose it.

  Troy felt good. He was kind. He wasn’t going to hurt me!

  His fingers continued to gently pull the fabric away from my skin, slowly undressing me, drawing patterns with his tongue as he explored and tried to make me feel good.

  But all I could see was an ugly face, glazed eyes. All I could feel was the fear pulsing through me as my nightgown was ripped off my body.

  “No! I don’t love you!” I screamed, but Davis wouldn’t listen.

  He reeked of liquor, his eyes unfocused as he murmured, “Crystal” and pulled me off the bed.

  I fisted the back of Troy’s hair, trying to dodge what came next.

  I’d been pretending it hadn’t happened, denying the truth ever since I left the hospital after that abhorrent night. But when Troy shifted on the bed and nestled himself between my legs, I couldn’t do it.

  A memory of pain so hot and intrusive tore through my center. I let out a guttural scream. “No! Get off me!”

  Chapter Forty

  Troy

  Cassie’s scream scared the shit out of me.

  I jumped off her, my eyes bulging as she kicked and flailed on the bed.

  “Get off me!” she screamed again, but she wasn’t talking to me. Her eyes were distant and glazed. “Stop! Please! I don’t love you.”

  The words choked out of her, broken by gut-wrenching sobs. She curled onto her side and whimpered, crying like a little kid.

  I shuffled right to the end of the bed, knowing better than to touch her.

  My eyes stung with tears. Every emotion from rage to horror to repulsion rocketed through me. I wanted to kill Davis Fucking McCoy. And I didn’t want to hear the details, but if Cassie didn’t get this out, it’d just go right back inside her and fester like it obviously had been for the last decade.

  “I’m not going to touch you.” I kept my voice soft but firm. “You’re safe here. No one is going to hurt you again. Ever.”

  My words seemed to calm her, so I kept talking in a quiet, even tone.

  “I know you don’t want to do this, but you need to get it out. So, you cry for as long as you need to, and I’m just gonna stay right here. I won’t move. I’ll wait. I’m here to listen when you’re ready to talk.”

  And then I did just what I said I would.

  I waited.

  I stayed on my knees at the end of the bed, watching her cries slowly peter out. Finally she let out a slow breath and whispered, “I’m sorry.”

  I wanted to tell her not to apologize, but she sat up and wiped her cheeks then kept going.

  “For nearly two years, I managed to avoid it. He’d beg me to love him, and I’d never say it. So he’d beat me, hoping I’d give in. I never did.” She licked a tear running past her lips. “But then this one night, he got drunk…really drunk…and obviously decided he didn’t need his victim to love him after all.”

  Her lips began to wobble, and my stinging eyes filled with tears.

  “I begged him to stop, but he wouldn’t. I screamed as loud as I could…but no one came to help me.”

  My throat was getting so swollen with emotion, so thick it was nearly impossible to swallow.

  “When he was done, he just left me there on the floor. I was in so much pain, and it would have been so easy to curl into a ball and just cry forever. But the thought of him violating me again was so abhorrent that I ran out of the house. I was naked and blood was running down my legs, but I ran down the street screaming until I bumped into these college kids.” She pulled in a hiccupy breath. “They were walking home from a party. Davis was chasing me, but they hid me behind them and called the police. He kept shouting that I was his but…” She shook her head.

  My heart was cracking open. I could picture it all so clearly, and I couldn’t process my pain fast enough. Her fear was so vibrant I could practically taste it.

  “Social services put me in a safe place. The police arrested Davis.” She dipped her head, her voice weak and defeated. “He killed himself in prison, but…he still owns me.”

  I shook my head. “No.”

  “Yes, Troy!” Her head shot up to face me. “He does! He will haunt me forever. Why do you think I have to run every day? Why can’t I share this experience with you and not think about him?”

  “We don’t have to sleep together to be together. I just want to love you.”

  “How can you, when I can’t give you all of myself?”

  I shook my head, refusing to buy into that crap. “He doesn’t own you. You’re a fighter. You wouldn’t let him win then, and you’re not going to let him win now.”

  “He did win!” she screamed. “Don’t you get it? I took beatings for months to avoid being raped but he did it anyway. He stole the only thing I had left!” Her face bunched and she squeezed a hand over her eyes.

  Having to sit back and just watch her was killing me. I wanted to pull her onto my knee, convince her that it didn’t have to be that way.

  “I can’t be your girlfriend, Troy. You deserve better than me.”

&nb
sp; “That’s not true,” I whispered. “You are the best. You’re the only woman I have ever fallen in love with. We’ll work through this together.”

  She sniffed and joined me in the head shaking. “I can’t. I’m sorry. I won’t put you through it.” Pulling her clothes straight, she stood from the bed and tucked her hair behind her ears. She probably wished she had a hair tie so she could gather it back. “You want someone clean and whole and healthy.”

  “No, I want you.” I reached out for her, my voice adamant.

  She backed away from me, nearly crashing into the wall behind her. “Don’t, Troy. You have to let me walk away.”

  “I don’t want to lose you.” My forehead creased. “I love you, Cassie.”

  Her gaze was etched with sadness. “But I’ll never be able to love you…and that’s why you should let me go. You deserve better.” Her voice cracked and she zipped out of the room.

  I stood up and followed her to the door. “Please, don’t do this. We can work through this. We can talk it out. You can—”

  “Talking is not going to save me from this!” She spun, her eyes wild.

  “It can. You just need to—”

  “No!” she practically screamed. “I can’t change what happened! And reliving it again isn’t going to make any difference. I won’t put you through it. Let me go, Troy. Just let me go.” Her voice broke and trailed off as she grabbed her bag and shot past Jovi, who was asleep in his bed.

  She was crying again, and having to stand there and let her leave was the hardest thing I’d ever done. The door clicked shut and my knees gave out. My head was filled with images of a young Cassie running down the street, bleeding and terrified.

  The tears that kept filling my eyes but not falling finally spilled free. I just went with it. I hadn’t cried in years, but it was the only thing left to do.

  Chapter Forty-One