Hole Hearted (A Songbird Novel)

by Melissa Pearl

  Felix

  Three weeks later…

  The car was kind of quiet…a major buzzkill considering it was my birthday. Finally a teenager, I should have been celebrating big. But it was hard to get happy when the people around me were so sad.

  I didn’t know what went down, but Troy and Cassie had a big fight and she wasn’t talking to him anymore. She told me over and over again that she wasn’t mad at Troy, but he must have done something. Her eyes have been red and puffy a lot more than usual, she’s been super tidy, running for close to ninety minutes every day, and her clothes looked baggier. I only noticed that a few days earlier, but it made me even more worried.

  She was trying to put on a brave face and everything, stay in control the way she liked to, but she’d lost her smile. She just looked…defeated.

  I sighed and scratched my head, glancing at Troy then back out the window.

  He looked kind of sad and tired too.

  I spent the first week pissed off at him. The second week I had to call and ask him to stop sending flowers to Aunt Cass. She cried every time a new bunch arrived. But in the third week, when he’d texted me offering to drive me and Summer to a special Chaos practice at the stadium they’d be performing in, I had to cut the guy some slack and say yes. Aunt Cass didn’t have to know. She was out running and thought I was spending the day with Summer. She had a birthday dinner planned, which I knew was a major effort on her part when it was obvious all she wanted to do was hide in her shell.

  Troy was a good guy. He never got mad, just stayed calm and quietly persistent. I had to give him some credit.

  Summer sat in the back, staring out the window, obviously trying to pretend the car was bright and happy like her place always was. The buds in her ears were probably helping. Her head moved to the beat and I tried to guess what she was listening to.

  I loved going to her house. Her parents were cool, funny, easy to be around. Her mom never minded me popping over. Summer’s dad had set up the garage as a practice area, and we jammed in there for hours.

  “So, uh…” Troy cleared his throat when he noticed me glance at him again. “How’s school?”

  “Yeah, it’s going good. Getting easier.”

  “And…home?”

  I rolled my eyes. “Seriously, dude, I don’t know what to tell ya. She’s running a lot and looking sad all the time.”

  He sighed, his shoulders drooping.

  “Can’t you guys just…work it out? She was so happy before.”

  “We all were,” he mumbled. “I wish I could do more, say the right thing. Make this all better. I call her every day trying to make amends, but she just won’t talk to me.”

  I huffed and shook my head, frustrated by the whole thing. “I don’t know what happened between you guys, but Aunt Cass seems pretty determined to shut you out. I just wish you could make her change her mind.”

  “Me too, buddy.” Troy clenched his jaw, his lips dipping into a really sad frown.

  The car went even quieter after that, if it was even possible. I wanted to fiddle with the stereo and get some tunes pumping, but Troy looked so sad I couldn’t do anything but sit there.

  Thankfully we pulled into the stadium a few minutes later, and Summer started fangirling before we even got out of the car. Ralphie was standing next to his truck, making out with Nessa’s little sister. I’d forgotten her name. Veronica, maybe?

  Summer tapped the window. “It’s Ralphie. It’s Ralphie!”

  “Calm down,” I snickered. “Act cool.”

  “Yeah, yeah, cool. You’re right. I’m cool.” She blew out a breath. “I’m totally cool.”

  She was pretty adorable sometimes. I slid out of the car and pulled out her bass case for her. She stayed close as we walked up to Ralphie.

  His girlfriend said hi first. “How y’all doin’? It’s nice to see you again.” She gave my shoulder a squeeze and kissed my cheek, then gave Summer a hug after I’d introduced her.

  Ralphie shook Summer’s hand and then started asking her about the bass guitar she was holding. Summer blushed bright red and talked faster than she ever had before.

  Veronica giggled and Ralphie just grinned and led us into the stadium while Summer launched into the story about her father’s college band.

  “Hey, Felix, my man!” Jimmy spread his arms wide, his loud voice booming through the microphone and echoing throughout the arena. “Happy birthday, dude!”

  I grinned, feeling more and more confident.

  “How’s the new guitar working out for ya?”

  “Yeah. Really good.” I climbed the stairs at the side of the stage. Jace kicked into a drum solo that drowned out my next sentence.

  Summer was talking to Veronica while she carefully took out her dad’s bass. Ralphie said something that made her blush again.

  I pulled out my guitar, flipping the strap over my head and feeling a sudden attack of the nerves.

  Nessa said something to Jace that killed his solo. I glanced up in time to see his eyebrows rise, and then he started up with a sick beat that made Nessa laugh.

  “Oh, you think you’re so hot, don’t you?” She spread her arms. I couldn’t stop looking at the tattoos decorating her stump. “You want me to come back there and show you how it’s done?” The expression on her face was pretty funny. Cocky Nessa was kind of cute.

  I grinned and flicked the hair out of my eyes when I stood.

  Jimmy leaned over to me and whispered, “Small but feisty. Damn, I love that woman.”

  It was hard not to blush. The expression on his face told me just how much he loved her.

  “She’s your girlfriend, right?” I cleared my throat, wondering if I should have asked. Rumors have been rife for months, and in the last interview I saw, Jimmy wouldn’t say either way. They liked to keep it pretty private, which was why I nearly fell off my feet when he leaned super close and told me a secret hardly anyone else knew.

  “She’s actually my wife.” He wiggled his eyebrows. “We got married in Vegas at Christmas.” He lifted his arm, showing me a tattoo on the inside of his wrist—forever her true love. “She’s got a his one just like it. They’re kind of like our wedding rings.”

  “Wow.”

  “Don’t tell anyone though, okay? Not even Marcus and Troy know.”

  “Then why are you telling me?” I whispered, my eyes bugging out big time.

  He nudged me with his elbow and grinned. “Because you’re like an honorary Chaos member.”

  “I am?”

  “You jammed with us, man.” He winked. “Now, close your mouth before someone asks what we’re talking about…and tune up.”

  I bit my lips together and dipped my head, focusing on tuning my guitar. My fingers were kind of shaking. I couldn’t believe it. Honorary member? It was freaking insane. I had no idea why Jimmy liked me so much. I was a little nobody, but he’d taken me under his wing like a younger brother. He’d pulled me into his family.

  Thanks to Troy.

  I glanced up and spotted the big guy on the edge of the stage. He was talking to a man in a suit. I didn’t know who he was. Maybe it was Chaos’s band manager or something. I wasn’t sure. Anyway, Troy seemed to know him. The shorter blond guy said something that was obviously supposed to make Troy laugh, but all he could muster was a closed-mouth smile. It was tight and unconvincing.

  I wanted to make it real again.

  I wanted Troy to hang out at our place. I wanted to be like a family. Since his falling out with Aunt Cassie, things hadn’t been the same. I wanted Troy to stay in my world forever, just like Jimmy. And I wanted him to stay in Aunt Cassie’s world too. She was better when he was around. We all were.

  I’d let it ride for nearly a month, thinking there was nothing I could do about it.

  But maybe there was.

  Chapter Forty-Two

  Troy

  It’d been a month since Cassie had fled my apartment, and I was missing her like crazy. Seeing Felix on the weekend only
drove home how miserable I was. I’d called and left a message on her phone, telling her how much Felix loved the practice. I thought it might be enough to pull her out of her funk, but she hadn’t replied.

  I clenched my jaw, picking up my phone and resisting the urge to text something inane and undemanding. Just a little check-in so she knew I was thinking about her.

  Sitting on the couch, I gazed at the screen, wondering what I could say that I hadn’t said already.

  Jovi snuffled at my feet, nudging my ankle with his nose and looking for a pet. I patted his head while I slumped on the couch, staring up at the ceiling.

  My dining room table was covered with files. I’d used my job to gain access to the case files of Crystal and Cassie Grayson. I knew as much as social services did. I knew their single mother was killed in a car accident and the girls had been placed in foster care. I’d tracked their progress, discovering that Crystal had disappeared from the system when she was fourteen.

  The McCoys had reported her disappearance, but the police had never found her.

  Crystal had left Cassie with that monster, which of course fueled a whole new barrage of emotions. If my calculations were right, she was most likely pregnant when she ran off, begging the question of who Felix’s father was. There was no name registered on Felix’s birth certificate.

  I despised the idea that Felix might have McCoy blood running in his veins, but comforted myself with the fact he was one of the sweetest kids I’d ever met. He had too much of his mother in him to ever turn into a sick bastard.

  And he had Cassie.

  Unlike me.

  I closed my eyes, trying to wipe the images of her haunted face from my mind. The picture in her file, the one taken just after she left the McCoys, nearly did me in. Her eyes were so big and defeated, so dead, like the only way for her to process it all was to bury the trauma deep enough to forget it’d ever happened.

  According to her file, she’d had counseling, but I had a suspicion the person working with her couldn’t get through. As soon as she was out of harm’s way, Cassie went into denial, shutting away the horror and taking control of every aspect of her life.

  And I’d unearthed the trauma all over again. So she was back on the defensive, locking up her feelings in order not to lose it.

  It sucked.

  I so wanted to make it right. Fix it for her.

  But Cassie wouldn’t return my calls, reply to my emails…accept my flowers.

  Hearing Felix’s quiet voice when he asked me to stop sending them was like a punch in the gut. How could I make Cassie understand that I just wanted to be with her? I didn’t need more than her company, conversation, and sweet smile. Sure, I was a guy and sex would be great eventually, but we’d get there…together.

  But she was convinced I deserved better than her. Part of me wanted to give her a light shake and beg her to believe that she was worth so much. That Davis didn’t have to own any part of her.

  Damn his sick, twisted mind…his evil soul. He deserved to die in that prison. I hoped he suffered on the way out.

  I hated that he still haunted Cassie.

  Thumping the cushion, I scared Jovi. He jumped up, barked, and then scampered for the door, his stubby tail going crazy. Before he even reached it, someone knocked.

  The hopeful thought that maybe it was Cassie soared through me and I leaped off the couch, running for the door and swinging it back with a smile.

  It wasn’t Cassie.

  It was a courier.

  “Sign here, please.”

  I did as I was told and took the box. Rubbing my thumb over my address, I stared at the letters until my eyes lost focus. The return address indicated what would be inside.

  The parcel was for Cassie.

  I’d found mint condition copies of the Lord of the Rings trilogy. They were first edition and cost a bomb, but I’d happily paid the money. Seeing her face when she opened them would be worth every penny.

  Fantasy novels were her go-to collection. It made sense—heroes defeating wicked beasts. She probably didn’t even understand that her obsession subconsciously stemmed from an inner desire to beat the man who had wounded her so badly.

  I wanted to grab my keys and rush over there. A gift like this would make her so happy. It’d be enough for her to let me in, surely.

  I had my wallet and keys in my hand when my phone rang. I checked the screen and was tempted to ignore the call. But it was Jimmy, and when had I ever been able to ignore a call from him. He might have needed me.

  “Hey, lil’ bro.” My voice probably sounded too tight, but I had somewhere to be. “What’s up?”

  “Nothin’. I was just checking in.”

  I paused on my way to the door, slightly confused. “What?”

  Jimmy sighed. “I noticed you’ve been kind of down, and I wanted to see if you were okay.”

  My eyebrows rose. It was impossible not to feel just a touch surprised. “Wow, Jimmy. Things have really changed between us.”

  My brother snickered. “Gimme a break, man. I don’t like seeing my brother moping around over a woman.”

  I rolled my eyes and muttered, “Yeah, so not sure how much I’m liking the whole role reversal either.”

  I could sense Jimmy’s smile and it irritated me.

  “You can talk,” I snapped. “You moped around for weeks when Ness took off.”

  “Yeah, and you called me repeatedly to make sure I wasn’t drowning in a bowl of self-pity.”

  I clenched my teeth. “I’m not feeling sorry for myself, okay?”

  “You’re feeling something.”

  “Yeah, it’s called heartache. The woman I love doesn’t think she’s good enough for me, and she cut me out like that.” I snapped my fingers.

  Jimmy took a second to respond, and when he did, his voice was quiet and so rich with emotion I almost didn’t recognize it. “You know, man, Nessa used to say shit like that to me. I spent hours trying to convince her how awesome she was but nothing worked. She just wouldn’t see herself the way I did. And trying to make her believe it only frustrated me and kind of pushed her away. In the end, she was the only one who could deal with her demons and close the space between us.” He sighed. “As impossibly hard as it is to do, I think you need to just back off and give Cassie some time to figure it out…on her own.”

  My shoulders slumped and I closed my eyes. “I need to fix this, Jimmy. I miss her so much.” My words came out husky and dry.

  “I get it.”

  The way he said it made me believe him, and so I took on the role reversal, for once acting like the younger brother. “How do I get her back, man?”

  “You leave her alone…and let her come to you.”

  The idea shattered me. I hated the thought of sitting back and doing nothing.

  “I know that feels like death to you. You’re the guy who swoops in to calm the storm and make it all better. You’ve helped so many people, but you can’t fix everything. And I know this one is really close to the bone, and I wish I could fling her over my shoulder and drop her at your door. But you know as well as I do that it won’t work. She’s got to deal, and you need to give her space to do that.”

  I scrubbed a hand down my face and fell back against the wall. “Shit, Jimmy. When did you get so damn smart?”

  “Ah, well, I was raised by an awesome guy. He taught me a lot.”

  I couldn’t help a small smile. “Thanks, bro.”

  “Love you, man. Stay strong. If she’s as amazing as you think she is, then she’ll knock on your door one day. I know it.”

  “Yeah.” I nodded and said a soft goodbye before hanging up and shoving the phone back in my pocket.

  A big part of me wanted to ignore Jimmy’s advice. He was my kid brother; what the hell did he know?

  But in spite of my doubts, I turned away from my door and walked back into the living room. As I neared the dining room table and stared down at the files, I had to face the fact that Jimmy was probably right.
Forcing myself on Cassie, no matter how great my gifts were, could potentially push her even further away.

  It went against every grain in my body. I was used to being the hero, the mediator, the one to help people heal, but maybe the best thing I could do for Cassie was leave her alone.

  Razor blades sliced right through me as I tucked her epic gift onto my bookshelf before returning to the table to slowly pack away the files.

  I didn’t know how long my resolve would last, but I chose not to text or call her. She obviously wanted radio silence. It made me feel like a failure, but I guess I couldn’t fight a battle that wasn’t mine.

  All I could pray was that one day, she’d find the ability to defeat the wicked beast once and for all…and make her way home to me.

  Chapter Forty-Three

  Felix

  So I had big plans to talk to Aunt Cass.

  And it took me two weeks to find the right moment to do it. She’d been keeping to herself—running in the mornings, cleaning in the evenings. At dinner time, she kept the conversation all about me, school, Summer, guitar. I’m not sure if she heard any of my answers, because her eyes seemed in a constant state of glaze.

  I remembered Mom looking like that. Not very often. Just occasionally she’d go really quiet and look like she was in another world. A place filled with sadness and regret.

  I’d ask her if she was okay, and she’d snap out of it right away. Her smile would be instant. She’d pull me into a hug, tell me I was lucky and that she loved me.

  Aunt Cass wasn’t doing that. When I asked her if she was all right, her body would snap straight and she’d nod, her words fast and clipped. “Of course I am.”

  It was kind of depressing. I wanted the Aunt Cassie back who said “shithead” and laughed with me, sang along to my rock ’n’ roll, smiled when I walked in the door.

  The Aunt Cass I was living with looked completely lost.

  When I opened the door that afternoon, she rushed out of the kitchen, her eyes wide with fear. “Where’ve you been? I thought you were walking straight home from school. I was worried.”