by Sahara Kelly
"Sorry." Susie looked embarrassed. "Post nasal drip. I have allergies."
Sir Lincoln glanced down beside him to see the ground sizzling and steaming where the glop of goo had landed. "Okay, so that's where the noxious bit comes from. Acid snot."
Susie tittered. "Not exactly, dear."
Another part of the mound stirred to life and stretched, a long shape that extended up the wall at the back of Noxious-Ted-Susie's lumpy body. There was a head on the end of it, but strangely featureless.
It opened its mouth and emitted a very loud farting noise.
The resultant fumes wilted several aged trees, stained the stone walls of the tower a murky grey and sent a flock of birds screaming into the sky. Several made it, the others succumbed, plummeting silently into the undergrowth and landing with a rather unpleasant squish.
Sir Lincoln's eyes watered and his newly restored feather drooped pathetically. He coughed. "Jesus fucking Christ."
"I do beg your pardon." Ted dipped his head apologetically. "I knew I shouldn't have had those burritos last night."
Sir Lincoln wiped his eyes clear of the fog they'd filled with and sniffed to check and make sure his nasal membranes still functioned. "You'd better tell me your story before I either get fried by your snot or choked by your ass fumes." He blinked. "Not to put too delicate a point on it."
Susie nodded. "It was a wizard, of course."
"Of course. What else?" Sir Lincoln shrugged. If some wise dude had offed all the wizards at the beginning of time, life would have been a helluva lot easier for a shitload of storybook characters, not to mention more than a few video game heroes.
"Well, it's like this." Ted took over. "We were originally two ferrets. Two perfectly normal ferrets—"
"In love with each other." Susie gazed longingly at Ted.
"Yeah. That too." Ted continued. "So we did what ferrets everywhere do when they're in love."
"We fucked." Susie's gaze was still filled with longing, but now included an added dash of passion. Given that she was a ferret, it was an interesting look, to say the least.
"'Kay. I'm with you so far." Sir Lincoln had gone way past the point of blushing.
Ted cleared his throat and Sir Lincoln grabbed his sword in case Ted had a post-nasal drip problem too. Fortunately, nothing spewed in his direction, so he relaxed.
"So we did a lot of fucking—and damn good fucking too—but unfortunately, one day, the wizard caught us doing it on his workbench." Ted looked embarrassed. "We were pretty much into the moment, you know? Right there? Right about to let loose and scream?"
"I got it."
Susie sighed. "It was sooooo fine." She gathered her thoughts from someplace Sir Lincoln didn't want to know about. "Anyway, in our—er—enthusiasm, we knocked over one of his chalices. And it spilled over his pants."
"Of course, it would be the one with the shrinking potion in it." Ted wrinkled his button nose. "From that point on, he couldn't get it up. Pretty pissed about it too."
"No kidding." Sir Lincoln grimaced.
"Long story short..." Ted drew a breath, "He cursed us. Said we'd never fuck again. He did one of those whizzy things with his hands and turned us into this lump of furry frustration."
Sir Lincoln shook his head. "Jeez. That sucks." He thought about it. "So that explains your two heads..." He nodded at Susie. "But what about the rest of 'em?"
Susie looked disgusted. "He was a louse, Sir Lincoln. A real motherfucker if you'll pardon my saying so. He gave us a shared ass..." She glanced around at the head that had farted such stinking emissions. "And he even gave us some important bits. But there was one problem with them."
Two more necks and heads stirred. One on the far side of Ted and the other on the far side of Susie.
Sir Lincoln's jaw dropped as he took a closer look at them. They were also featureless, a blur of ferrety markings without form. Except for their mouths. The one on Ted's side parted its lips and stuck out its tongue. It was—a familiarly shaped sort of tongue. Not an ice-cream cone licking sort of tongue at all. This was more of a "I'm hard and ready to take you to heaven" type thing.
"Shit. Is that your..."
"Yep." Ted sounded mournful. "That's my dick."
"But-but-"
"It gets worse." Susie chimed in. "I'm gonna show him, honey. Do you mind?" She glanced at Ted.
"No. Might as well let him know the whole sad story."
The head to the far side of Susie lifted slowly away from the furry heap and sort of waved in Sir Lincoln's direction. His gaze was drawn to the lips—full, pink, moist and swollen lips. Lips that looked an awful lot like—
"Fucking shit."
The head quickly tucked itself away and Susie looked embarrassed. "You got it."
"The ultimate horror?" Ted stared at Sir Lincoln. "They can't reach."
"We're condemned to see each other's...er...parts, but we can't get 'em together. They just won't reach across the body we've got now." Susie ground her teeth. "You wanna know what frustration is? This is it, baby. Two horny ferrets, two sets of equipment and no way to get 'em in the same place."
"Shit." Sir Lincoln shook his head. "That really sucks ass."
"Wish I could." Ted's head drooped.
"No kidding." Susie rubbed against him affectionately.
"Okay." Sir Lincoln stood and hefted the Magic Sword firmly in his warrior-like grasp. "So here I am, equipped with all the stuff I need, plenty of potion and a healthy lifeline. I don't have to—like—kill you or something, do I?"
"Jesus, no, dude." Ted looked horrified. "That's not the answer. Of course, it's gonna look like that to the player, but shit...noooooo."
Susie looked disgusted. "It's not about the killing at all."
"So...what? What do I have to do?"
"Here's the thing." Susie turned her head to one side. "See that patch of cockweed over there?"
Sir Lincoln followed her gaze and observed a neatly squared-off bed of something green. He blinked at the blooms that did, indeed, resemble cocks. "Er, yeah?"
"That hides the path to the Tower of Chaos. You have to go that way to get to the door and enter."
"Cool." Sir Lincoln's feet were already pointing in the right direction.
"Hang on, hang on. It's not that simple."
Ted's words halted him and he rolled his eyes. "It never fucking is, is it?"
Susie looked apologetic. "It's my fault too. One of the things I'm allergic to is cockweed pollen. When you slash your way through that patch you're gonna release a shitload of it. I'm gonna start to sneeze and...well, you know what's gonna happen."
Sir Lincoln swallowed. "I get pelted with a load of acid snot?"
Ted nodded. "Yep." He frowned. "Aren't you supposed to have a Shield of Invincibility or something?"
Gnashing his teeth, Sir Lincoln nodded back. "Yeah, I was. But the asshole playing the game got a cheat code from some on-line site and put me two levels ahead at one point. Totally skipped the Shield bit."
"Too bad." Susie shrugged. "My sneezing's gonna do a number on you, dear. All I can do is apologize in advance."
Sir Lincoln girded his loins. Which sort of looked like adjusting his balls within his tights while removing a wedgie from his ass. "What the hell. I've come this far. I'm not about to give up now."
"That's the spirit, lad." Ted gave him an approving and encouraging grin.
"What happens if I make it through the weeds?"
Ted blinked. "Haven't a clue. Nobody's ever made it this far, let alone made it through to the Tower." He chuckled. "Your Princess must be one horny bitch by now."
"I hope so." Sir Lincoln suppressed a little shiver of lust and grinned at Ted—a real guy-to-guy grin.
Susie snorted, making Sir Lincoln grip his Magic Sword more firmly. "I just hope you're good enough to get to her. And good enough to fulfill her desires when you do."
"Bet your ass on it, honey." Sir Lincoln straightened his shoulders. "Or your asses. Or whatever." He shook his h
ead. "Well, I guess there's no point in hanging around. I'm gonna go for it. You guys ready?"
"I'll hold my breath as long as I can." Susie sounded hopeful as she noisily sucked in a lungful and squeezed her mouth tight shut.
A huge fart rumbled right after her words and two pieces of the Tower crashed down into the undergrowth. She coughed. "Or maybe not."
"Yeah. Well...um...good luck with that." Sir Lincoln strode boldly toward the patch of cockweed.
Here goes nothing...
Chapter Six
In the Tower of Chaos, where Zara's chamber is on the opposite side to any noxious gases, thus eliminating the possibility of suffocation...
"So then I said to him, you know this can't go anywhere, darling. Like he didn't have a clue? Didn't even think that the two of us...well, I mean to say..."
Samuel paused and finished off his glass of milk. Cookie crumbs dappled his nice chest and he brushed them away thoughtfully. "It's very hard."
Zara glanced quickly at his cock. Actually it wasn't. It lay politely between his thighs, obviously paying attention to the story, but not to her.
"So I had to explain to him that loving him like I did, I couldn't hurt him. I mean what would game players think of a hero who's fallen in love with the villain he's supposed to destroy? I ask you..."
Zara made a sympathetic sound that managed to cover the yawn she was busily suppressing.
"It was destiny, though, Zara. It had to be. I took one look into those red-black eyes..." Samuel sighed emotionally. "He just touched my soul, you know? I felt that look all the way down to my cock."
Said cock twitched a little as if it knew it was the subject of its owner's conversation.
"He said he felt it too. He offered me the use of his shower, 'cos I'd gotten my shirt messy from, like, killing things, you know? And of course when I stripped off my clothes he found an excuse to come back into the bathroom—he's got like the best shampoo products ever, by the way—and he'd taken off his shirt and unbuttoned the top of those darling velvet breeches—well I ask you. What was I to do?"
Zara attempted to look interested. She figured she'd probably failed, but what the hell. Samuel was on a roll—a little yawn or two wasn't about to stem the flood of intimate sharing time she was apparently doomed to suffer through.
"I gotta say that was the best shower I've ever had in my entire life. It was like—like he'd found all the right switches to turn me on so hot..." Samuel shuddered. "Any idea what it's like getting your cock sucked between fangs? Oooooh..."
"Er, Sammy?"
"It's like nothing you could imagine, dear."
"You got that right."
"He's got one talented tongue too. When he sucks and strokes and like runs those sharp edges down either side—he knows all the right spots—his mouth is cool—fuck, I'm turning myself on just like thinking about it, you know?"
"Like yeah."
He was too. His cock had awoken and was stretching nicely into a solidly thick piece of pleasure. Pity it wasn't for her. Zara closed her eyes and ignored it.
Samuel didn't notice, he was lost in his reminiscences. "And later, when we got into his bed—shit, Zara. He's got an ass on him—cool and sweet and so white—like fucking ice cream, you know?"
"No." Zara shifted on the pillows. "Sammy honey, you're giving me way too much information here."
Samuel looked apologetic. "I'm sorry dear. You're so easy to talk to, you know?" He reached over and touched her face. "I haven't been able to like share this with anybody. I'm supposed to be this scary-ass vampire killer when all I really wanna do is go over to his castle and like fuck his brains out for eternity."
"Ah."
His hands wandered south over her breasts. "I wish I could like do something for you in exchange for listening. You've got pretty breasts." He caressed them.
"Thanks." Zara swallowed. Sammy had a nice technique when it came to nipple-fondling.
"And the rest of you is like so smooth..." The hand wandered lower, drifting softly over her belly to her mound. "I adore the shave, by the way." He idly stroked her pussy. "Did I tell you Vlad is bare naked down there? Not a hair anywhere. It's like so coooool. Nothing to get stuck in the teeth, you know?"
Zara blinked. Sammy's fingers were playing around her thighs and her pussy lips—and she could feel it. "Sammy babe, could you press down just a little and move to the left a tad?"
"Sure, sweetie. You want me to finger fuck you? I can do that, like you know, any time—"
Zara examined her responses to Sammy's fingers. She could definitely feel where he was touching her, a real nice glow spreading from his hand through her lower body. And she was getting wet too. "Jeez, Sammy. This is real nice. Hasn't happened recently."
He smiled happily. "Well, it's like you haven't been touched by a Belmint, have you? Takes a real hero to do the job right." He paused. "That's like odd, you know?"
Zara bit the inside of her mouth. "Like, you know, huh?"
Sammy obviously didn't recognize sarcasm when it slapped him upside the head. "I can feel your pussy, but I can't get a finger inside." He frowned in puzzlement.
"What do you mean you can't get a finger inside?"
"I just can't, honey. It's like—like—"
"Grrrr." Zara growled deep in her throat. "Don't tell me what it's like, okay? Tell me what it fucking is!"
Samuel moved to his knees, bending over her crotch and peering at it. "Move your legs apart?" He pushed a lock of blond hair back behind one ear and stared closely.
Zara obligingly parted her thighs. If he produced a speculum and told her to put her feet in some stirrups she was gonna whack him, but good. "See anything?"
"You got like a real sweet pussy going on here, darlin'." He grinned up at her, then his face sobered. "But it just isn't going to let me in. I can't see anything stopping me, but it's there, sure as shit. Like, you know?"
"But I can feel you Sammy. Feel when you touch my pussy..." Zara knew that was a whine. Or more of a frustrated wail. She was finally getting some sensation where she needed it—although it was from a dude who felt a grand passion for a male vampire lover rather than a horny Princess babe—and yet her inner passages were apparently still off-limits. Blockaded by something magically invisible.
She gritted her teeth. "Push harder, Sammy."
"I'm like pushin', sweetie."
"Well, like wiggle or something. Anything..." Zara lifted her hips off the bed and practically removed Samuel's nose with her pussy.
"Owf!" He rocked back quickly on his heels. "Careful."
"Sorry." Zara flopped back down on the bed with a groan. "I just thought..." She shook her head. "Oh never mind. Never fucking mind."
Samuel rolled off the bed and grabbed his whip. "We could try this again? Like have a little more leather action there?"
She considered the idea for a minute then shook her head. "No, I don't think so. Thanks anyway."
"Got any toys or anything? An electric toothbrush maybe?"
Zara's jaw dropped. "Certainly not." At least not any I'm gonna tell you about. "A toothbrush?"
"Yeah, you know? Like one of those whizzy vibrating ones. My Vlad showed me a few things to do with the handle—"
"Samuel. Stop. Don't go there." Zara cut off his revelations with a wave of her hand. "You're a peach and I've enjoyed our chat, but we've gone about as far as we can go."
An odd noise reverberated through the chamber, making Samuel whirl into his attack position. It was probably impressive when he was in his black vampire-zapping duds and armed to the teeth, but naked—well, his cock looked threatening, bouncing around between his thighs. Other than that, it left a little something to be desired in the way of intimidation.
"Whazzat?" His eyes darted around.
Zara giggled. "Oh nothing. Just my hero on his way to rescue me."
"Ohhh coooool. Can I watch?"
"No." Zara slid from the bed and grabbed her robe. "But you can finish straightening things up
for me if you want to get in some whip practice."
She spoke calmly, but inside her heart was pounding fit to beat the band. Sir Lincoln's lifeline level was halfway into the red bits. The furthest she'd ever seen it. He must be somewhere near the Tower, probably defending himself against the attack of the wickedly vicious and horribly strong Noxious, five-headed monster of evil.
If he could only stay alive long enough to make it to her door...
"Here." She tossed Samuel's thong over to where he stood, looking anxious. "Get dressed, Sammy-boy. Time to go home and find yourself a vampire to fuck."
He stepped elegantly into the panties and settled them around his balls. "Not just any vampire, darling. The vampire. The Count himself. He of the luscious ass and multi-talented tongue."
"Okay. Whatever." Zara was standing in front of her closet, pushing at coat hangers as she tried to pick out an appropriate robe in which to welcome her fucking hero. Or however she ought to be describing him.
Hell. He was a hero and he was gonna fuck her. So fucking hero fit him just fine.
"Wear the blue. Men love blue. And it brings out the color of your eyes." Samuel whirled his cape dramatically around his shoulders.
"Ya think?" She held the blue lacy garment up to her chin and turned to the mirror.
"Oh yes. And it like makes your butt look just heavenly too."
"Sold." Zara slipped the robe on and tied the belt over the insubstantial fabric.
"Good luck." Samuel stepped to the door. "I'll think of you when I'm buried to the balls in my sweet Vlad's ass."
"Er thanks. Yeah, you do that. Like thanks, Sammy." And if I ever hear the word "like" again, I'm gonna—like—throw up.
The door closed with a—like—whoosh.
Heaving a sigh of relief, Zara hurried over to her LCD setup and double checked Sir Lincoln's stats. Yep, still red. They'd never been this high before as far as Zara could remember.
She clicked on the speaker control, activating a thousand watt theater system with six-point-one multichannel sound technology and a separate rear center unit. It was set up to monitor the area around the Tower of Chaos, but the only time she'd ever tried it, she'd nearly blown a sub-woofer when the ultra sensitive microphones had picked up something that sounded like a twelve-megaton detonation—or a really huge fart.
