by Meka James
I stepped to Ginger and wrapped my arms around her. I expected her to fight, or pull away, but she didn’t. She cried softly and I ran my hand up and down her back while I tried to process what she’d said.
Shawn didn’t just look like his father; he was reminder, a product of a terrifying and brutal attack. My idiotic statement and poor choice of words added to an apparent fear she had that we’d somehow treat him differently.
Damn it. Damn it. Damn it.
I closed my eyes and tightened my embrace. I wanted to take it all. Every ounce of pain and misery she’d had to endure. I held her willing myself to absorb it from her body and free her from it all.
She pulled away. “I just wanted to say my piece.”
She turned to walk off, and I reached for her arm. I expected her to pull away, she didn’t, but she also didn’t turn to look at me.
“Do I get to say mine?”
“What more is there to say, Malcolm? I’m forever changed because of my time with Seth. No amount of therapy is going to change me back. I’m physically and emotionally scarred. Tainted.” The last word she spoke was barely above a whisper.
I grimaced, hearing that word. That stupid, fucking word. “Stop. Okay? Just stop. That was a terrible choice of word on my part, but my dumb ass statement had nothing to do with you or Shawn.”
I turned her around, getting mild resistance, but she relented. I placed my hands on either side of Ginger’s face. With my thumbs I wiped the tears from her cheeks. I spoke slow and held eye contact knowing that these words were probably the most important ones I’d ever speak.
“Shawn is my son. DNA. Conception. None of that shit matters to me. What does matter is him. His mother. And the family we’ve created. Please believe that.”
“I want to. It’s part of why I came back.” She pulled free. “But it doesn’t matter. The truth is I am tainted. I am. I’ve used the very same word to describe myself. And we’re both forever linked to him. Something you don’t want in your house.”
I hated the way she stressed the word your.
Running my hands down my face, I tried to figure out the best way to dig myself out of this hole. “This place. This house is ours. It’s meant for us as a place to grow as a family and have a life together. I want to give you that. Me. Call me crazy, irrational, or whatever, but you using his money to pay for it diminishes that. That’s what I meant when I said I didn’t want him associated with it.”
Ginger looked at me. Skepticism still in her eyes. She remained in flight mode.
“It’s my money.”
“I know.”
“How is this place supposed to be ours if I’m not allowed to make any contributions to it?”
I took a tentative step forward, placing my hands on her hips. “Baby, you can and you have. Like I said, it’s not rational, and I’m sorry. I wish I could explain it better, but I can’t. I just need to do this. You are free to do whatever you want to this place, add anything your heart desires. I just want to pay for it. The house itself.”
“And the tainted part of your comment?”
“The two parts go hand in hand. That place you stayed in is marred with bad memories and unhappy times. Home should be your happy place, and he robbed you of that. It had nothing to do with you or Shawn.”
She uncrossed her arms, letting them relax by her side. “There’s going to come a time when the truth will need to be spoken. He’s going to wonder why he’s white with blue eyes and black hair yet the man he calls father is black with hazel eyes and brown hair. Meanwhile his mother is white with red hair and green eyes. Any children we have...he’s going to stand out.”
I slipped my fingers between hers, the tension in my body melted away when she closed hers around mine. “When that time comes, we’ll handle it. Together. I’m sorry for how the words came out. And for upsetting you. You shouldn’t ever have to doubt how I feel about you and Lil’ Man.”
“I don’t. Not really. I know you love me. Us.” She rested her hands on my chest. Her fingers played with my chest hair. “I’ve felt it, seen it. It’s the other reason I came back. When I looked at you…I thought after you said…I thought it’d be gone. The feelings you create when you look at me, but it wasn’t. I just—knee-jerk reaction. Easier to think, and prepare myself for the worst so to speak.” She glanced at me. “I’m still a work in progress.”
I pulled her closer, erasing the remaining space between our bodies. My hands circled her slender waist, and I said a silent thank you that she let me hold her. “We all are,” I said, pressing my lips to her forehead.
Ginger stretched up and wrapped her arms around my neck. The embrace felt different. She pressed her body to mine, her grip tight, almost desperate. Her entire demeanor had changed from just a few minutes prior. “I’m sorry,” she muttered, with her face buried in the side of my neck.
“For what?”
She shrugged and held on tighter. “Getting mad. Overreacting. Doubting you. Just being a generally emotional nut case.”
I ran my hand up and down her back. “Hey, now, that’s my girlfriend you’re talking about.”
“You have crappy taste in women.”
“I’m insulted. I have excellent taste in women.”
We stood, not saying anything else. Her fingers played with my dreads and she showed no signs of pulling away.
“Do you forgive me?”
“For what?”
“Overreacting.”
“Baby, there’s nothing to forgive. I said something that upset you, and you reacted accordingly. I’m happy you came back to let me explain.”
She finally pulled away. Those beautiful green eyes of hers looked up at me. “That upset you.”
“Hell yeah, it did. I mean, you’re free to come and go, but it was the reason you wanted to go. I had to talk myself out of running after you and throwing myself on the hood of your car or something.”
A bright, carefree smile lit up her face. “That would have given the neighbors something to talk about.”
“Well, if the ones across the street were awake last night, we already gave them plenty to talk about.”
She giggled then put her hands on my shoulders and stretched up on her tiptoes to kiss me. “I love you,” she whispered against my lips.
“I know, baby. I love you too.”
“This relationship is very uneven.”
“How so?”
“I come with a cargo hold worth of baggage and you barely have a carryon. I wouldn’t blame you if you’d had second thoughts.”
“Never. Ginger, baby, you’re it for me. Even with all your so-called baggage.”
“Even when I flake out?”
“Not gonna lie, I hope we’ll get to a point when running isn’t your first reaction. Especially since I already thought we had.”
She stepped back and started to speak, but stopped. She looked up at me before turning and walking away. She took a seat at the end of the sofa, and chewed on her thumbnail. Her leg seemed to bounce a mile a minute. I walked over and took a seat on the coffee table.
“I’m sorry. I...I just…”
“That statement wasn’t meant to make you feel bad. We are navigating this, figuring it out as we go. Emphasis on the we.”
She looked at me and gave a sad smile. “I don’t always know how to handle this.”
I reached over for her hands. “Handle what?”
“This. You. Us. I...um...don’t have the best track record. Things, relationships. You’re good to me, Malcolm. I’m happy with you, and I guess you could say that scares me.”
“Why?”
She weaved her fingers between mine. She gave a quick glance at me before looking down at our intertwined hands. “Expectations of being hurt,” she quietly answered. “I don’t have enough pieces left to put my heart back together if it’s broken again.”
Letting those words sink in, I moved to sit beside her. Their meaning, t
heir honesty, affected me. I tried everything I could to take some of her burden away, but it wasn’t enough. I pulled my hand free, to use both to hold her face. Leaning forward, I kissed her right cheek, then her left, and finally made my way to her lips. I kissed her soft and slow, wanting the connection to convey my love, but more importantly my appreciation of her. My lips moved atop hers, cherishing her as she deserved.
“That’s not something you have to worry about. Til death do we part. I want to be the last man for you.”
“We’re not married.”
I shrugged. “Details, details. Not being married doesn’t change a damn thing for me.” I took her hand and put it over my chest. “You feel that? It beats for you, because it belongs to you. If you leave, if you ever wanted to end this, you’d be taking it with you. It won’t be of use to anyone else, because I don’t want anyone else.”
Ginger closed her hand into a fist then opened it again in slow motion. The tips of her fingers brushed against my flesh as she repeated the motion three more times before pulling her hand away.
“I want to get to a point where I don’t flake out. Where the little things are just that, instead of the bigger deal I make them into. And I thought I was. I want to be. You deserve to have a girlfriend that’s not so erratic.”
“Hey. It’s not a big deal. Like I said, we’re navigating this together. So, you flake out, as you call it. I don’t care as long as you do what you did. Stay and work through it. ‘Cuz let me tell ya, I can’t guarantee that more stupid shit won’t come out of my mouth. And when that happens, cuss at me, throw shit at my head, slam doors, whatever. Just don’t leave.”
Ginger moved, sliding into my lap. I sat back to accommodate her.
“I'm sorry for that.”
“Baby, stop apologizing. I'm just glad you came back. I was getting ready to come after you when you walked back in.”
“You were?”
“Hell yeah. You took off with my heart. I kinda need it to live.”
I slipped my hand under her shirt and ran my fingers up and down her back. She rested her head on my shoulder and placed light kisses on the side of my neck.
“I won't try to leave again. I want to be here. To be with you.”
“I want you here. Going to sleep with you curled up beside me is the best thing ever. You're a perfect fit.”
She sat up to look at me. “What?”
“You women call it spooning, but the way your body fits curled up next to mine is a perfect fit.” I moved my hand down to the curve of her ass. “Not too much. Not too little. Just right.”
She laughed. “I didn't know it was possible for you to think a woman could have too much ass.”
“Well, in most cases no, but for sleeping, if it's too thick then it’s hard to really get close and comfortable.”
“How much time have you spent trying to find the ‘just right,’ Goldilocks? Wait, nevermind. I don’t think I really want to know how many asses you’ve tested out.”
She tried to move off my lap, but I held her in place. “Aww, baby, don’t be jealous. It’s not like that.”
“It sure sounds like you’ve been on the hunt.”
“No. I wasn’t looking, but the moment I had it, I knew. That very first night you stayed here with me I knew I never wanted to sleep without you again.”
Ginger straddled me, and put her hands on either side of my face. She leaned forward and gave me a soft kiss. “I think that can be arranged.”
I grinned and slid my hands down to her waist, rocking her forward. “What are you saying?”
“Well, you like sleeping with me. I like sleeping with you. You want me here, and I want to be here, so maybe I can stay…on a more permanent basis.”
She squealed when I flipped us so that she was laying beneath me. I smiled down at her, enjoying the radiant one she gave me in return. The look of joy and happiness on her face made my heart swell.
“You wouldn’t be playing with my emotions would you?”
She bit her lip and shook her head. I placed a kiss on the side of her neck, and ran my tongue up to her earlobe. I caught the tender flesh between my teeth. “You sore?”
She wrapped her legs around my waist. “A little bit.”
“Too sore to celebrate?”
She shook her head.
“Good.”
Chapter 57
Calida
“How are you today, Calida?”
Dr. Carr adjusted her glasses on her face. Her braided, black hair was pulled up in a simple bun. She always looked so neat and pulled together.
“I’m well. I think.”
She cocked her head to the side. “That’s an unusual answer. What’s going on?”
I sat back against the chair and crossed my arms in front of my chest. “You ever have buyer’s remorse?”
“Yes. I think it’s natural when you make some big purchase, especially if it’s not a need.”
I gave an absent-minded nod. “I did something, but I’m not so sure it was the right decision.”
“Is this something you want to talk through?”
“I told Malcolm I’d move in with him. Officially. I’d been staying with him, but knew I had an out as it were.”
“That’s a big step.”
I nodded again, shifting in my seat. “He’d said something that upset me, and I left, ran away from him. You’ll be proud of me…I went back so we could talk it through. Anyway, by the end of it, I said I’d move in.”
Since telling Malcolm I’d move in with him, I couldn’t shake the nagging, anxious, unsettled tingle in the back of my mind. I didn’t want to think I regretted it, but at the same time something kept me from being a hundred percent happy about it.
“Not running away from him and talking through your feelings is a positive step. If that’s what you wanted to do.”
“Huh? Oh...no, well, I mean yes. He wanted me to stay, asked me to, but ultimately he let me leave. I got down the street and turned back. He wanted me to stay, but he didn’t force me.”
Dr. Carr smiled and nodded. “Good. So, you stayed, talked, and ended up agreeing to move in with him. Had he asked before?”
“Not directly, but he made it no secret that the house was for us. For the life he wants to have with me.”
I held my tongue on the other part of what he wanted. Marriage. Malcolm wasn’t pressuring in his desires, but he wasn’t secretive about them either. Knowing what he wanted out of this relationship remained in the back of my mind at all times.
“Okay, so the decision to live together was your choice?”
I nodded.
“But now you regret that choice?”
“Regret sounds so negative. I like being there with him. I like the house way more than the place I shared with Seth. It fits me and my personality better. Something has just felt different since agreeing. I don’t know what, or why, but it’s there.” I got up from the chair to walk around. “It doesn’t make sense. I’m not making any sense.”
“Have you talked to Malcolm about how you feel?”
I turned to look at her. “Hell no. You’d think he’d just won the lottery or something when I told him. He was so damned happy. If he knew I was having second thoughts—nope, that’s what I pay you for. To fix it so I can go home and be happy.”
Dr. Carr shook her head and gave a small laugh. “I don’t fix anything. Now, if you need to talk through points to get to the root of the discourse, then I’m all ears.” She put her notepad down and sat forward in her chair. “When you think of living full time with Malcolm what’s the first thought that comes to mind?
“Fear.”
“And what are you afraid of?”
“I guess the easy answer would be my history. Clearly living with a guy hasn’t worked out in the past.”
“However, the easy answer isn’t the answer,” she probed.
It wasn’t a question, but a statement. Logically
, I knew Malcolm was different and I didn’t have the same worries.
“No, it’s more about me and why I said it. I fear it was a knee-jerk reaction. We’d been fighting. I don’t...I can’t be sure I did it because it’s what I really want or to make up for my behavior.”
I retook my seat while I waited to see what analytical comment came from Dr. Carr. She didn’t speak right away while she made a few notes.
“What behavior were you making up for?”
“Running away when I got upset.”
“Was that part of the disagreement?”
“Not directly. He made this comment about thinking we were past that being my go-to reaction. So, I knew he was disappointed in me.”
“Is that what he said?”
“In so many words.”
She looked at me, waiting for me to really think about my answer. Something she did when I gave one that she felt needed more consideration.
“Did you agree to move in during the heat of the argument?” she asked, moving on from that question.
I shook my head.
“All right. Did you have any lingering feelings of guilt when you said it?”
Again, I shook my head.
“If you didn’t agree to live with him during the heat of the disagreement, nor did you have lingering feelings of guilt because of your earlier actions, why would you think you agreed just to appease Malcolm?”
“Because it’s what I do. I want people to be happy. To be happy with me, and I’m more willing to bend and compromise to achieve that. Look at my relationship with Dorian. When push came to shove, I caved, I not only got her a job, but I let her live with me instead of forcing her to stick with her original plan of living with our parents. That’s for a person that barely likes me on a good day, so...yeah.”
“Sounds like the easy answer was the correct answer after all.”
“How so?”
“You said the easy answer would be your history, and the explanation you just gave was all directly related to your past and somewhat current actions. When we’ve talked about your past relationships, while the two are extremely different, the common thread is the fact you compromised what you wanted and needed in favor of them. Are you afraid of doing that again by living with Malcolm?”
