She realized there was absolutely no reason not to move forward with her growing passion for him if he felt as she did. But she needed to think it through. Sit with the implications of what that would mean for all of them—John, herself, and Elizabeth. Could they be a family? John had suffered great grief over the loss of Annabel. Was he sufficiently healed to be able to love another? And how would Elizabeth react to having Susan as her actual mother? She didn’t want to rush her decision, nor did she want John to rush to a decision either. It was best to give it more time.
Susan soon found she had walked to near the edge of the estate. She was in a wooded area she’d not visited before. There had been no snow for several weeks and the ground was clear. The woods were dark, but not threatening. She felt an unexpected peacefulness descend upon her. She stopped in the middle of the trees and calmly took deep breaths.
She heard a rustling in the underbrush and turned to see a doe and fawn, paused, and staring at her. But they seemed to understand she meant no harm and they continued grazing.
Susan backed up slowly and headed back toward the house. She felt calm and centered. She still held Daniel in her heart, but she began to feel she was ready to move cautiously forward.
John gave Susan a wide berth for the next few days. He let her grieve however suited her best. He saw her take her morning walks—which seemed to last longer than usual. She had her meals by herself. But she was constant and regular in teaching Elizabeth.
Then one morning Susan appeared at the library door.
“Might I come in?” she asked.
John was preparing to go out to the wool packing shed, but he welcomed her inside.
“Come. I’ve missed seeing you. How are you faring?”
“Not too badly. But it’s been a rough few days.”
“Yes, I know how that is.”
“Are you busy? Might we talk?”
John was torn. He needed to be at the shed, but he wanted to be there for her.
“It’s a bad time, isn’t it?” she asked. John hesitated. “I’ll come back later,” she offered.
“What about a walk together tomorrow morning? I know you are walking still, even in the cold. Perhaps we could speak then?”
“That would be fine.” She turned to leave. “Oh, and I’m ready to resume coming to supper again. Is Miss Fitzwilliam still in the picture? I’ve not seen her for several days.”
John smiled. “She is. It seems she’s now stalking my brother.”
“Ah, yes. As you know, Simon approached me before I learned of Daniel’s demise and he was sounding me out about the possibility of the two of us reuniting again. I made it quite clear that was not going to happen. So perhaps he’s now exploring his other options as well.”
“As is she, I’m afraid. At this juncture, she’s still not given me a date when she’s planning to leave.”
“Perhaps you might suggest you’ll make a carriage available to her for her departure. That might let her know you mean business and it might spur her into action.”
John laughed. “I’m afraid the only action she’s taking is her pursuit of Simon.”
“And what will you do about that?” Susan asked. “Do you plan to intervene?”
“No. Simon is his own person. I’ve caused him enough grief over time and now I want him to feel free to be himself. I want to support him however I can. But wisdom dictates that he’ll find out about Miss Fitz’s nature and intentions soon enough. It’s a decision he alone can make.”
“That’s most generous. But I just hope she doesn’t upset you too much in her quest for Simon.”
“How can she upset me when I have you?” John went over, smiling, and took Susan by the waist, kissing her gently on the forehead. Then he reeled backward.
“Oh, I shouldn’t have done that. I’m so sorry. I just got carried away.”
He seemed agitated, but Susan reached out and put her hand on his arm to calm him. “Don’t be upset. That was a very sweet gesture. I quite liked it.”
“But I promised not to intrude during your time of grief,” he said, pulling on his waistcoat.
“John, I’m not an invalid. And I’ve had time to sort out things more clearly in my mind. And that’s why I wanted to speak with you.
“Tomorrow morning, then,” he said, nodding to her.
“Until tomorrow morning. But, of course, we’ll see each other again at supper.”
Chapter 25
John went looking for Simon before leaving for the wool shed. He found him in the laundry in his robe pawing through a pile of washed and dried clothing.
“Simon, what are you doing?” John asked.
“I’ve got to buy some new clothes. I’m totally out of clean shirts and it’s only been a few days since they were all laundered.”
“Well, let’s do that. We can go into Preston in the next couple of days and get you outfitted.”
“Oh, yes.”
Simon found a suitable shirt, and even though it had not been ironed he took it with him and they left the laundry.
As they headed back toward Simon’s rooms, John asked, “I’m off to the wool shed. Would you like to come with me? I’d really like to discuss your future, and thought you might like to see what we’re up to these days.”
Simon turned to look at John. “You want me to deal with wool?”
“Not necessarily, but I’d like to go over all the options.”
Simon nodded. “Certainly, let me get dressed and I’ll meet you in the library.
As they rode toward the wool shed, Simon cautiously said, “I’ve been spending some time with Miss Fitz over the past few days.”
John looked at him. “Oh, yes? And?”
Simon appeared to be struggling for words. “She ah… well, she tells me you’ve asked her to leave.”
“Is she using you to get me to let her stay longer?” John asked with a slight smile.
Simon glanced guiltily at John. “Not exactly. But I do want to plead with you to let her stay. We are just beginning to get to know one another and…” Simon hesitated.
“And what? Do you find her attractive?”
“Of course, don’t you?”
“She has certain charms and… attributes. But, no, I don’t find her attractive. It takes more than physical beauty to attract me.”
“You don’t find her clever and witty?”
John paused, considering how to respond without offending his brother. “She does have wit and cleverness, but I find she uses it more as a weapon than as a delight.”
“Hmm.” That seemed to give Simon pause.
“Are you telling me you’re interested in developing a relationship with Miss Fitz?”
“Perhaps,” Simon said cautiously.
“So soon after declaring your affections for Susan again?”
Simon seemed shocked. “She told you about that? That’s rough.”
“With kindness and with concern for your well-being.”
“Don’t know if I appreciate that,” Simon said testily.
“Then you are serious about Miss Fitz?”
“Perhaps. It’s too soon to tell, and that’s why I’m asking you to allow her to stay longer. We need to get to know each other better. Will you please say yes?”
John sincerely believed that Simon would eventually see Miss Fitz for the adventurer that she was. But that might take time and he didn’t want to obstruct Simon’s pursuits.
“Very well, I consent. However, you really don’t need my permission. You are family. You live here now. You are an adult and you can make your own decisions.”
“But you are the Duke. This is your domain and you do have final say in all matters pertaining to your estate.” Simon said pointedly.
John was disappointed. “Simon, I’d like us to get beyond that kind of thinking. I want you to feel that this is your home too. And I’d like you to find a way to integrate yourself into the fabric of our life here. I want you to find what works for you. If you want
, that is.
“Then, I’ll tell Fitz she can continue as our guest.”
“Yes. If that’s what you want.”
“It is.”
They were approaching the wool shed and it was time to get down to the business of the day.
The next morning, as promised, John joined Susan in her walk. As they headed down the path John took Susan’s hand. She looked up at him and smiled.
“Christmas will be here before we know it,” Susan said. “What festivities do you celebrate?”
“It has been somewhat subdued these past years since Annabel died. But I was thinking Elizabeth is old enough now to appreciate Christmas more. I was hoping we might be a little more lavish this year?”
“Do you plan on a large party with many guests?”
“Not that. I was thinking it should just be only family. Now that Simon is home and you are in our family’s life it should be livelier than in past years.”
“Does that include Miss Fitz too?” Susan asked.
John smiled. “Yes, I’m afraid it does. It seems Simon is quite taken with her and is in the process of courting.”
“Is she interested in him? After all, he has no title and no land. I would have thought she would be looking for far greener pastures.”
“I think there may be a certain desperation in her search these days. And she may know that I’m planning to settle a living on Simon.”
“That’s generous.”
“I don’t want him to get lost again. I’m trying to induce him to settle in here at Haverford. I’m hoping he can find a niche he might enjoy managing.”
“What about the school? He could be headmaster and it would free me up to concentrate on what I love the most—teaching.”
John looked at her. “That’s a very interesting idea. Do you think it would be enough to occupy him fully?”
“I don’t know if this is in your plan, but I was thinking we might open the school to other children outside the village. Make it more of a regional school. It might even be possible to introduce paying students.”
“My, that is forward thinking. Let’s discuss that idea with him and see what he says.”
They came to a pause in the conversation. Susan enjoyed the fact that they could walk on in silence without any discomfort and or need to fill the silence with chatter.
John removed his hand from hers and put his arm around her waist and pulled her closer as they walked on, as she was shivering slightly.
He finally said, “I believe you wanted to talk to me at some point about the villager’s concerns about upkeep?”
She turned to him. “Yes, but not now. I’m enjoying our stroll and just being quiet with you.”
He smiled. “Yes, it’s pleasant, isn’t it?”
They walked on for few minutes then John stopped and turned Susan toward him, and held her in his arms.
“Susan, I can’t believe how much I’ve changed these past few months since you’ve been taking care of Elizabeth. I think of you constantly. There is this pressure in my chest when I’m near you and all I want to do is hold you and do this.” He drew her even closer and brought her lips to his while holding her head in his hands.
Susan was aflame with desire for him. Her heart was pounding and her cheeks were flush. She melted into his arms and surrendered into his embrace.
“Susan, is it too soon to hope you might care for me as much as I care for you?”
She withdrew from his embrace and feeling both a strong attraction for John and a wistful affection for Daniel, took a step back, said, “Oh, John, you must give me a little more time. Daniel’s loss is still too fresh, and while I’ve accepted that he’s gone, I’ve not yet lost my affection for him. Please, I beg you, be patient with me.”
John bowed his head with a great sadness in his eyes, and then said, “My dearest Susan, while I don’t have infinite patience, I will be patient enough until you can tell me you care for me as much as I care for you—or not.”
Susan put a hand on his chest. “Thank you, John, I do appreciate your consideration.” A shiver ran through her, whether from passion or the cold she couldn’t tell and she said, “I’m cold. I think it’s time we return. And I’m ready for a good hot English breakfast.”
Fitz was sitting in the sunlight streaming through a window in one of the least visited sitting rooms. She had found it to be a convenient place to read and write her many letters. The Duke had made it abundantly clear that he was not a suitor and found her presence to be an unwelcome distraction in his household.
But she’d been saved at the last minute by dear Simon who’d interceded on her behalf and she’d been allowed to stay—for the time being.
Fitz knew she had attractive attributes, but she was nearing her thirty-second birthday—although admitting to being only twenty-eight. Her glittering life was more forced these days, and yes, she admitted to herself, she was exhausted by her constant search for a husband.
She had no family. She had no abode, and her friends were becoming increasingly reluctant to have her as a guest, as her uninvited stays increased in length with each visit. Since being asked to leave by the Duke, she had written numerous letters to prospective hosts and not one had replied in the affirmative.
She had received two letters this very morning which were resting in her lap. The first was from yet another friend who would be out of town and unable to accept her as a guest, and the second letter—and much more damaging—was from her banker informing her that her investments were performing poorly and her available balance of ready money was nearly depleted.
She just stared out the window. And the sun, pouring in, provided a harsh light—emphasizing the heavy makeup needed to retain a semblance of eternal youth. Candlelight was still her best friend. She wiped away an unwelcome tear as she heard the drawing room door open.
She quickly put the letters in her pocked as she stood to escape the revealing sunlight and turned to see who had entered.
“I’ve been looking all over for you, Fitz. And this is the last place I thought I’d find you.”
Fitz answered gaily, “Well, the place where you find someone is always the last place you look, is it not?”
Simon chuckled. “Yes, I guess it is.”
“Have you been riding without me,” she asked with a pout.
“Not at all. In fact, I was looking for you to see if you might want to go riding with me? It’s a sporting day this morning—clear and bright, and just the gentlest breeze.”
Fitz knew she needed to accelerate her plan and this seemed to be the perfect moment.
“I would love to, but let us sit together for a moment first. We’ve not had any time alone for several days. Always people about. Dinner, supper, sherry, coffee. Does it never end?” She laughed a little harshly.
“If you like,” Simon replied and took a seat on the small sofa next to where she sat.
She wanted to give him the opportunity to express any feelings he might have toward her—if any. They had been flirting for some time now, but he had never declared his intentions. She desperately needed to find out if he might be serious about her. She was running out of opportunities and time.
He looked at her but said nothing. She lowered her eyes coyly.
“Was there something specific you wanted to say?” Simon asked.
Fitz was beginning to panic. Simon was not being forthcoming. She needed to break through this impasse.
“It’s been such a lovely few weeks being here with you,” she said demurely. “It’s been a long time since I’ve felt such sympathy with such a fine gentleman.”
“Why, thank you. How lovely of you to say.”
“And I’ve been thinking that it must be time for me to leave soon.” She let the statement hang in the air, but he did not respond. “And I was wondering how you feel about that? Do you think you might miss me?”
“But John has said you may stay, as a favor to me.”
“But surely, not indefinitely?
I can’t impose on his home forever.”
“But this is also my home, and you are my guest.”
“Am I?” she asked brightly.
“Of course, I treasure your presence. I thought you understood that.”
“That is so sweet,” she said, placing her hand on his. “But still… I have to ask myself, what are your intentions toward me? Are we just friends…? Or might there be something more developing?”
Simon took her hand. “Oh, Fiona, of course, there’s more. Why else would I have interceded on your behalf with John?”
Fitz lowered her eyes. “Then you care for me just a little?” She said softly, not looking up.
“Oh, much more than a little, Fiona. But I’ve been unsure of your feelings toward me.”
She looked him directly in the eyes. “Oh, Simon, how could you doubt? I care for you as much as any woman can care for a gentleman.”
Simon broke into a grin. “How jolly. Shall we go for that ride now?
Susan was in her room in the morning before lessons, sewing, when Standish knocked on the door and came inside.
“Miss Susan, there is a gentleman here to see you,” he said.
Susan looked up surprised. She wasn’t expecting anyone. “A gentleman? Did he give his name?”
“Yes, a Captain Daniel Howe. He said you weren’t expecting him but he begs an audience with you.”
It was like Susan had been struck by lightning. What could this mean? “But, I don’t understand. Captain Howe was recently lost at sea.”
“Well, I can assure you, Miss Susan, this gentleman is very much alive and sitting in the first sitting room. Or, at least, that’s who he says he is.”
Susan stood, dropping her sewing. “Tell, whoever it is, I shall be right down.”
Standish left and Susan went to the mirror to check her hair. Her heart was pounding and her face was flush. She could barely contain from crying out as she raced down the stairs to the sitting room. She threw open the door and raced in.
And standing before the fire was, indeed, her Daniel. He was wearing his navel uniform—his skin darkened, and his blond hair bleached almost white by the sun.
The Governess Who Stole My Heart: A Historical Regency Romance Novel Page 22
