A raw, ugly chuckle found its way out of Seth’s throat. I could tell he was close to losing it.
“You go when I need you to stay and you stay when I tell you to go.” Seth shifted and swung his legs over the side of the lounger but didn’t get up. “You won’t let me touch you but you won’t stop touching me. You want answers but you won’t give them.”
Seth rose as he said, “I can’t figure out what’s more fucked up – wishing you’d stop seeing me as Trace’s little brother or being terrified that you already have.”
I let Seth go because how could I tell him that the only thing fucked up about this whole thing was me?
Chapter Eight
Seth
After leaving Ronan on the patio, I’d hidden myself away in my room like a child. Between Barry’s assault and Ronan’s reappearance, I was mentally and physically drained. I hadn’t bothered telling Ronan to leave again because it was clear to me now that Ronan was going to do whatever Ronan wanted to do. Just like I wasn’t strong enough to fend off Barry, I wasn’t strong enough to force Ronan out of my life.
For what was likely the hundredth time since I’d crawled between the cool, crisp sheets of my bed, I glanced at the clock on the nightstand. It was almost two in the morning but I had yet to find any momentary peace through sleep. My only consolation was that tomorrow was Saturday so I didn’t have to deal with the stress of having to endure the endless hordes of people and cars as I made my way to the office. Not that I really had to deal with those things on a daily basis – they just seemed that way to me after years of self-imposed isolation.
I hadn’t really even realized how bad my fear of the outside world had gotten until after my grandmother died and I’d decided to enroll in college to pursue a degree in business so I would be well equipped to take over my father’s company. After I’d gotten out of the hospital following the home invasion, it hadn’t made much sense to return to my high school since there were only a few months left in the school year. So I’d gotten home schooled instead and ended up sticking with it when I realized the added benefits.
The ability to set the pace at which I learned ended up being the perfect distraction, especially after I learned of Trace’s death. Every hour I wasn’t caring for my grandmother or sleeping, I spent studying. I’d ended up getting my GED early and began taking college courses online just to challenge myself. But it wasn’t until I’d lost the connection with Ronan that my loneliness had started to consume me. Attending college had been the logical choice and I’d been excited about the prospect of finally interacting with kids my own age. I’d even envisioned meeting someone who might finally take away some of the sting of losing Ronan.
My first day had been utter hell. The noise, the crowds…I hadn’t been prepared for any of it. And it wasn’t until I’d managed to make my way back to the Whidbey Island house that night that I’d realized how little I’d left the house in the years since I’d lost my parents. My grandmother had set up regular grocery deliveries shortly after her arrival and I’d never thought to change them even after she died. I bought all the things I needed like clothes and books online. The only time I ventured out was for doctor appointments and even those had been few and far between. But I’d attributed the anxiety I’d experienced to my overall fear of doctors after my lengthy hospital stay and not the fact that I had to leave the safety of the house to go to the doctor’s office.
I tried going back to school the next day, but I’d only made it as far as the parking lot and then I’d had the chauffeur I’d hired to shuttle me back and forth take me back home. By day three, I’d been convinced it was all in my head and I just needed to work through the newness of it all. But all it had taken was for a big guy bumping into me as he passed me in the hallway of the building where my first class was held, and I’d had a full-blown panic attack. I’d managed to avoid a trip to the hospital after I told the paramedics that had been called that I was declining treatment and that was it. I didn’t venture out of the house again for almost three years.
Another glance at the clock showed that less than five minutes had passed and I debated whether or not I should head down to the kitchen to search out some food since I’d skipped dinner so I wouldn’t have to deal with Ronan. I almost laughed because I’d actually managed to make myself even more of a prisoner in my own house than I’d already been.
I decided against the snack run and flipped myself over so that I could stare out the glass doors that led out to my balcony. But within a couple seconds, I felt Bullet pressing his nose against my back. I turned over and patted the bed in invitation, but instead of jumping up, Bullet sat down and dropped his head on the edge of the bed. I let my fingers trail over the soft fur on his head but then he jerked away, his ears snapping up as something caught his attention. A shot of terror went through me as I was instantly transported to the night I’d been woken up by a stranger’s gloved hand pressing down on my mouth, but I managed to recover when Bullet merely whined and then looked back at me expectantly. If there’d been any danger, Bullet would have taken off towards it.
As Bullet cocked his head, I sat up and listened for whatever the dog was hearing. And then I heard it. Moaning.
Coming next door from Ronan’s room.
I waited quietly to see if the moaning would stop but it grew louder and I finally swung my legs over the bed and left the room. Ronan’s door was slightly open so I could hear that in addition to moaning, he was talking.
“Ronan,” I called as I pushed the door open.
Bullet brushed past me and trotted up to Ronan’s bed.
“Trace,” Ronan whispered. “Please stay with me, Trace.”
I swallowed hard at the sound of my brother’s name, but Ronan’s broken voice kept me moving forward. I carefully turned on the light next to Ronan’s bed, but didn’t touch him despite wanting to. I’d learned my lesson long ago when I’d tried waking Trace from a nightmare when he’d been home between deployments. I’d been lucky that all he’d done was punch me in the chest but my parents had had to take me to the hospital to make sure he hadn’t broken anything. Trace had been wracked with guilt and had warned me over and over again not to touch a soldier while he was having a nightmare, since the reaction could be lethal.
Ronan’s brow was dotted with sweat and the blanket was bunched around the lower part of his body. His fists were clenched and I could see that his face was drawn up in agony. But what really had my attention were the dozens of jagged scars that covered his chest. I knew instantly what they were because they looked like mine. But they weren’t like the penetrating stab wounds along my chest and side. No, they were shallower, longer – designed to inflict pain, not death.
The knowledge that Ronan had been tortured in the same way I’d been distracted me and it was actually Bullet who woke Ronan up by putting his paws on the bed and licking Ronan’s face. Fortunately, Ronan didn’t strike out at the dog but he did jerk upright. His panicked eyes settled on me and then slowly cleared as he looked around the room.
“You were having a nightmare,” I managed to say, though my eyes were still on his chest.
“Sorry,” he muttered before dropping his legs over the side of the bed and resting his head in his hands, the blanket draped over his lower body.
“Ronan, your chest-”
“Go back to bed, Seth.”
I knew it was the wrong thing to do before I did it but some sick, twisted part of me ignored the mental warning and I reached out to run my fingers over one of the scars. Ronan grabbed me long before my skin connected with his and his eyes lifted to meet mine, but I couldn’t get a read on what he was thinking. Not that it mattered because the iron-hard grip he had on me was answer enough. And at that point, I knew I was done. I had nothing left to give this man. He’d broken me.
I tugged my hand free and he released it instantly.
My chest hurt as I took a step back. If I hadn’t known better, it had been me who’d woken him up and he’d stru
ck out at me just like Trace had years earlier. I was glad that I didn’t feel any tears tugging at my eyes, though I wasn’t sure why since the pain I was feeling was a thousand times worse than the agony I’d felt as the blade had cut through me over and over again that terrible night so long ago.
I turned to go but sucked in a breath when I once again felt Ronan’s fingers close around my wrist.
“I lied.” Ronan’s whisper was barely even that, but I didn’t dare turn back in case I broke whatever spell had caused him to stop me from leaving.
“About what?” I managed to ask, my voice sounding loud compared to his.
“You asked if Trace asked me to keep an eye on you…”
“You said he did,” I said as I carefully turned back to face him. His head was hanging but he still had a hold of my wrist.
“He did. But I could have done that from anywhere. I could have paid someone to do it. That isn’t why I keep coming back here…why I keep watching you from the woods…”
The admission was so much and still not enough, but I didn’t know what to say so I remained silent.
“God forgive me, but I stopped seeing you as Trace’s brother a long time ago,” he said hoarsely. His eyes finally lifted and where they were expressionless before, they were filled with turmoil now. My insides knotted up when I felt his finger brushing back and forth over the inside of my wrist.
“Seth,” Ronan whispered. I realized my eyes had dropped to the spot where our bodies were joined and I forced my eyes back up. “I’m not that man anymore.”
I knew which man he was talking about. The one I’d only seen through a child’s eyes. The one who’d never really existed – at least, not on his own. I’d seen only parts of Ronan, but it wasn’t something I’d understood as a naïve boy of thirteen. I’d never really known the whole man.
Ronan finally released my hand and I felt the loss immediately. And as I stood there, I knew we were both at a crossroads. Our relationship would change tonight one way or another. But looking at Ronan, his head once again hung and his hands resting on the edge of the bed, I knew I would have to be the one to make the next move.
Chapter Nine
Ronan
I didn’t manage to take a deep breath until Seth finally moved away from me. I’d known it would be a mistake to grab him a second time, but I’d been terrified that I’d lose him forever if I’d let him leave with only the memory of me holding him back from touching me. I’d seen it in the way he looked at me. And the reality was, my admission about watching him all these years had likely come too late anyway.
My body ached and the scars on my chest tingled, but I knew the psychosomatic pain was a result of my nightmare and that it would fade within a few minutes. It was the first time I would actually miss the phantom pain, though, because the agony of letting Seth go was so much worse. I began making plans in my head for which of my men I could trust to make sure there was no threat to Seth – that the mugging in the garage had been just that…a random act and nothing else. I knew the answer before I could even complete the thought, because there was only one man who knew what Seth meant to me.
I reached for the light on my nightstand but stopped when I sensed movement in the room. I looked up to see that Seth hadn’t left yet. He was standing near the chair by the door – the chair I’d draped my pants, jacket and shoulder holster over when I’d changed earlier. One of my Glocks was on the nightstand next to my wallet, but I hadn’t thought to grab the other one. I saw Seth reach for the holster and I was about to tell him not to touch the gun when I realized he was just moving it out of the way. He shifted so I couldn’t see what he was doing, but a second later I had my answer because when he turned back to face me, he was holding my belt in his hand.
I cursed the heat that flooded my system at the sight of the smooth leather resting in the palm of his hand. I watched with bated breath as he came towards me but for the life of me, I couldn’t take my eyes off the sight of the belt in his grip. In the back of my mind, I knew what was happening but I couldn’t really believe it.
Seth handed me the belt and as soon as I took it, he held his arms out in front of him, the insides of his wrists pressed together. I shook my head at the offering but I couldn’t find any words.
I couldn’t do this.
I shouldn’t.
It would just fuck everything up even more.
I lifted my gaze to tell Seth no but then I saw it. The thing I’d feared I’d lost. It wasn’t hero worship or the wayward emotions of an innocent child. And it wasn’t some distorted reflection of a man who no longer existed. All I saw was me…the way he saw me.
And in that moment, he wasn’t Trace’s little brother and I wasn’t the broken man who couldn’t bear to be touched.
We were just us.
Instead of reaching for his wrists, I stretched out my arm and settled my hand on his lower back to pull him forward. He was wearing a pair of sweats and a gray T-shirt, so I had to maneuver my hand until I could touch bare skin. I heard his breathing tick up as I caressed him but his hands never moved. And they stayed exactly where they were even as I drew him forward until he was straddling my lap. I studied him for a long time, just taking in every bit of him that I could. The bruises on his face had darkened considerably but they took nothing away from his raw beauty. I let my fingers trail over his slightly parted lips before I pulled him down for a long, slow kiss. I felt his fisted hands press against my chest, but he didn’t actually caress me. But he did kiss me back without any hesitation or fear.
I let my hands settle on his thighs as we kissed and I could tell when he felt my erection press up against him because he gasped against my mouth. I stroked up and down his thighs a few times before I reached for the hem of his shirt and pulled it off of him, forcing him to release the position he’d been holding his hands in. But instead of reaching for me as soon as the shirt was off, he put his wrists back together.
As much as I wanted to take the belt and throw it across the room, I knew I wouldn’t be able to because I could feel the fear building inside me as Seth returned every one of my kisses. When I reached for the belt, Seth didn’t stiffen or change his posture in any way and I saw nothing but trust in his gaze as he looked down at me. I settled my arm around his lower back to support him as I stood and shifted our positions so that I could lay him flat on the bed. I straddled his hips and didn’t miss his startled gasp as he realized I was naked. His eyes shifted to my cock which was already heavy with need and he actually licked his lips. I bit back a moan and forced my attention on wrapping the belt around his wrists. The move got his focus back on my face but he was watching me with anticipation.
I did one loop around his joined wrists with the belt before lifting his arms above his head and putting the end of the belt through the iron rungs of the headboard. The belt was long enough that I could wrap it once more around Seth’s wrists before securing the end into the buckle. I made sure the belt was tight enough to hold him but not tight enough to hurt him in any way. Knowing he was at my complete and total mercy had my cock tightening to epic proportions, but I managed to control myself as I dropped myself down on him and sealed my mouth over his. We were both breathless by the time I finally released his lips.
“You can stop this any time with one word, no matter what,” I said firmly.
“I know,” he said and then he smiled and I felt my heart constrict painfully. A surge of doubt went through me but then he kissed me, his tongue tentatively searching mine out and I knew I was too much of a bastard to not take what he was offering.
I broke the kiss and skimmed my lips along his jaw before trailing them down his throat. He was panting with anticipation long before I even reached his chest and when I bit gently down on one of his nipples, I heard a whoosh of air leave his lips. There was a slight shift in the headboard as I turned my focus on his other nipple, but when I looked up to check on Seth, all I saw was him watching me with rapt attention. I couldn’t resist steali
ng another lusty kiss from his lips before sitting up so I could examine his body the way I’d always longed to…with my fingers, my eyes, my mouth.
I hadn’t missed the scars on his body, but I kept my exploration of the old wounds brief since I didn’t want to make him self-conscious. There were multiple scars on his chest and sides that I knew were from when his attackers had stabbed him and left him for dead – that much Trace had shared with me when he’d told me about the attack on Seth and his parents. But as hard as those scars were to look at, it was the long, narrow scars running across the length of his abdomen that almost bothered me more because I knew what each drag of the knife would have felt like for Seth as he was tortured to try and force his father to talk. The wounds wouldn’t have been deep, but the terror Seth must have been feeling would have left far deeper scars on his psyche…scars like mine.
“I’m okay,” Seth whispered and I lifted my eyes to see him watching me with quiet strength. It was then that I realized I’d failed in my intent not to give the stretches of raised flesh too much attention. At some point, I’d even started fingering one of the scars on his stomach. I nodded and then took my time removing his sweats so I could drink my fill of the rest of him, including his weeping cock that lay nestled thick and full in a thatch of wiry, blond hair.
I leaned over Seth and settled my weight back down on him as I kissed him again. It took just minutes to get him squirming and bucking beneath me and then I focused on bringing him the pleasure I so desperately needed to give him. But as much as I wanted to sink into his warm, welcoming body, I knew this would be my only chance to consume every part of Seth that I could, so I took my time with my sensual torture. He kept repeating my name over and over as I licked and nipped my way down his body, but he changed over to flat out begging as soon as I bypassed his weeping cock in favor of worshiping the rest of him. To my surprise, his feet turned out to be an erogenous zone that I had no problem exploiting to keep him near the edge.
Salvation (The Protectors, Book 2) Page 8
