I’d always kept my distance from all the men who worked for me. It wasn’t because I was on a power trip or anything or felt the need to wrap myself in mystery. I had just been too focused on the job to care about building friendships with any of them. I dealt in death. It wasn’t a “company picnic” kind of business.
“I never got a chance to thank you-” Mace began to say.
“Not necessary,” I interrupted. Killing the men who’d abused and taken a hit out on Jonas had been a pleasure.
“Jesus, Ronan, would you just shut the fuck up and let me say what I need to say?”
I wanted to tell him no. Because it didn’t matter. I’d done what needed to be done, plain and simple. Mace deserved a future with the two men he’d chosen to spend the rest of his life with. But I held my tongue.
“You already know I can’t ever repay you for saving them both.”
I managed to school my expression as I remembered the moment when I’d watched Cole take a bullet for Jonas. The whole thing had seemed to happen in slow motion as I’d rushed down the hall. Jonas had been screaming for Mace as a blood covered Cole lay prone before him. I’d pushed past countless people to get to Cole because in that moment, the doctor in me had replaced the assassin. I had saved Cole’s life – it was true. And I’d saved Jonas’s just hours later when the man who’d wanted him dead confronted him in an empty bathroom in the ICU of the hospital Cole had been taken too. I’d used my fingers to stem the blood of one man and used my gun to spill the blood of another. It was the first time I’d ever been the old Ronan and the new one.
“You saved mine too.”
I began shaking my head but Mace put his hand up. “The thing Jonas said about you using me…we both know that isn’t true. The only people who might have had a chance of saving me after what happened to my son would have been Jonas or Cole. I wouldn’t have given up on ending my life for anyone but them…not my parents, not my ex, not you.”
To my shock, I actually felt a shimmer of relief go through me. I’d found Mace by pure chance after his son’s killer had come to my attention. I often researched how the surviving victims of my mark’s crimes were doing…maybe because it made it so much easier to pull the trigger, maybe because I needed to know that the sin I was committing was truly justified beyond the victims who were no longer among us. I wasn’t really sure. But learning about Mace had hit entirely too close to home. Because his guilt had driven him to try taking his life, much like mine had done to me. Hawke had saved me and I knew I could do the same for Mace. I’d met him just after he’d been released from the psych ward he’d been admitted to after he’d tried to commit suicide. After a brief conversation with the belligerent, bitter man, I’d known he’d try it again the first chance he got. So I’d killed the man who’d taken his son’s life and offered Mace a chance to do for other kids what he hadn’t been able to do for his own child.
“You gave me a reason to live. I could have walked away from you, the job, any of it at any point. I didn’t because I needed it. Because it was all I had to keep me going, even if it was stealing little pieces from me bit by bit. Now I live for Jonas and Cole. I never would have had that chance if it hadn’t been for you.”
I was overwhelmed by the admission so all I managed was a brief nod. “Do they know you’re here?” I asked.
“Cole and Jonas?”
I nodded.
“They know. And they’re completely okay with it, Ronan. Like it or not, you’re family to us.”
I swallowed hard at that.
“Cole will be stopping by later tonight to spell me, if that’s okay with you.”
I felt pathetic for not being able to find my voice as I nodded yet again. As strange as being reunited with Mace and his lovers was, I would gladly accept the ex-cop and his Navy SEAL boyfriend’s help.
“Hawke gave me some of the details. Can you fill me in on the rest?”
“Yeah,” I finally said. My voice sounded shaky and uneven but I was glad that Mace didn’t seem to notice…or that he was kind enough not to remark on it.
I took a deep breath and sank farther onto the couch as I began outlining the attacks on Seth, starting with the one that had happened the day I’d walked back into his life.
* * *
God, what the fuck was I doing?
I was in the process of debating whether I should go through with opening the door when a harried young woman trotted up to me. She glanced at me as I blocked the door and it took her saying, “Are you going in?” to get me moving.
I murmured an apology and opened the door for her. Before I could even decide if I should walk through it, another woman carrying a baby and holding a little boy’s hand walked out and nodded her thanks.
I forced myself to enter the building, but felt my stomach clench as the woman I’d seen enter was walking through a doorway at the other end of the small space, a little girl in tow. “Bye, Jonas,” the girl called as she waved enthusiastically.
“Bye, Alyssa! See you next week.”
I managed to pull myself from my daze long enough to open the door for the woman again and once she was gone, I didn’t hear or see anything. The decision to come see Jonas Davenport had been an impulse because when I’d asked Mace to keep an eye on Seth for a little while, my only intention had been to go outside and get some air. But Mace’s visit had thrown me for a loop, as had his words about saving him. And then my last conversation with Jonas before I’d killed one of his attackers ran through my head. He’d thanked me for saving both Cole and Mace’s lives. Right after he’d asked me that damning question that I could no longer adamantly answer yes to.
Did it work for you?
I’d always been sure that the path I’d chosen after Trace’s death had saved me…had given me a new purpose in my life. But being with Seth…
God, I wanted him to be my purpose in life.
It was that realization that had caused me to get a cab and head to Brooklyn to see Jonas. Because it didn’t matter what Mace said about me saving him. I needed to know that if I were to answer Jonas’s question the way I really wanted to, would it change anything?
I forced myself to walk towards the back room where I knew Jonas kept the studio that he used to teach art to underprivileged kids whose schools could no longer afford art programs. I glanced at the art on the walls of the gallery which made up the front of the building. All of the artwork was on canvases and ranged from simple pictures of stick figures all the way up to more abstract-looking art with a wide array of colors and textures. Each canvas had a name on it and I could only imagine the pride each little boy or girl must have felt as they saw their art hanging on the spacious brick walls for all the community to see.
I saw Jonas as soon as I reached the studio doorway, but he had his back to me because he was bent over a canvas on a table in the center of the room. A little girl with mousy brown hair tied up in a tight ponytail was standing next to him, but her bright green eyes were on me. I guessed her to be seven or eight at the most. Her expression was blank as she watched me, but her small body was drawn up tight with nervousness. I saw her reach her hand up to tug on the end of Jonas’s shirt.
Jonas automatically put his arm down on her shoulder as he turned but when he saw me, he froze and his mouth opened wide. “Ronan,” he whispered.
It took him only a moment to recover, but that was probably because the little girl had pressed even closer to him. He automatically knelt down so he was at her level. “Natalie, this is my friend, Ronan.” Jonas’s eyes shifted up to mine. “Ronan, this is Natalie. She’s one of my best students.”
Natalie’s eyes lit up just a little bit at that and she turned to look at Jonas. He brushed his fingers over her cheek. “Do you want to hear a secret about Ronan?”
The girl glanced at me and then nodded.
“He’s a real life superhero,” he whispered. I would have thought he was just saying the words to ease Natalie’s uneasiness, but when he glanced up at me, I
saw something I hadn’t expected.
Not fear, not confusion as to why I was there. Just…happiness. No, that couldn’t be right. He couldn’t be glad to see me. He didn’t even like me.
“Do you want to ask Ronan to help us hang your artwork?”
Natalie gave him a nod and I held my breath as she came right up to me and took my hand in hers. The feel of her tiny hand in mine, the cautious trust in her eyes, had a whole host of emotions churning through me.
I let Natalie lead me from the studio and followed her around one of the brick walls in the middle of the room. We ended up on the far side of the gallery near the window. There was an empty spot on the wall with a waiting nail. I expected Natalie to release me but she held on to me and when Jonas handed her the picture, she finally let go of my hand. But then she held both her arms up expectantly and even I knew what she wanted. I lifted her up and settled her on my hip and then stepped closer to the wall and helped her position the picture above the nail. She slowly lowered it until the string behind it caught and the picture stayed put.
“Good?” I asked.
Natalie studied the picture for a moment and then reached out to straighten it just the tiniest bit. She finally nodded and I set her back on her feet. I hadn’t missed the fact that she hadn’t said a word from the time I’d walked into the studio.
“Oh, Jonas, I am so sorry I’m late,” I heard a woman say as she hurried through the front door. She had the same mousy brown hair as Natalie and she was wearing what looked like some kind of waitressing uniform.
“It’s no problem, Sara,” Jonas said as he accepted a hug from the woman. “We were just hanging up Natalie’s art from today.”
“Oh, honey, did you do that?” the woman gushed as she leaned down and hugged the little girl and then picked her up and moved closer to the painting so she could get a better look. To my surprise, tears welled up in the woman’s eyes as she cast a glance at Jonas. “Oh, baby, it is so beautiful,” Sara whispered as she hugged the little girl to her. The picture itself looked like many of the others and from what I could tell, it was a little girl’s bedroom. There were two people on the bed, the larger one sitting on top of the covers, the smaller one beneath them. Both had lots of brown hair and the larger one was holding open a book.
“Natalie has already promised to let me keep this one on permanent display right here,” Jonas said as he motioned to the picture. He focused his attention on Natalie. “You’re going to make another one for your Aunt Sara next week, right?”
Natalie nodded and that earned her another hug from the emotional woman. “Okay, we should get going so we can stop at the store and get something for dinner. You ready?” Sara asked the little girl.
Natalie nodded and Sara put her down. The little girl immediately went to Jonas who dropped down and wrapped his arms around her. “See you next week, okay?”
Natalie nodded. To my surprise, she came up to me next and waited expectantly. I knelt down and tried not to react as she put her skinny arms around my shoulders. But I couldn’t stop myself from putting my arms around her. Her thin body felt tiny and I released her the second she loosened her hold on me.
“It’s a really good picture, Natalie,” I said. The smile she gave me was like a punch to the gut and I was glad when she finally took her aunt’s hand and followed her from the gallery.
“Thanks for that,” Jonas said as he waved to the little girl as she walked past the window. “It’s not easy for her to trust new people,” he said sadly.
“What happened to her?”
“Her parents abused her pretty badly. Kept her locked in a basement for almost a year. They…they made her sleep in a fucking dog cage,” Jonas muttered. The hatred in his voice was as unexpected as the swear word that crossed his lips. I’d known the instant I’d met Jonas in person that he was a gentle soul…luckily, something Mace had seen before he’d pulled the trigger.
“That’s all she used to paint,” he added.
“What?” I asked, not understanding what he meant.
“The dog cage. I give the kids a subject to paint about each week. You know, your family, your pet, your house…Natalie always painted a dog cage. Until today.”
It took a lot to get a physical reaction out of me, but just the thought of the suffering the little girl had gone through…
“What was today’s topic?”
“Your favorite part of the day.”
Jonas gave the picture another glance and then began walking back towards the studio. “Her parents?” I asked.
“In prison. Turns out she wasn’t their only kid…the other one wasn’t so lucky. Sara had no idea her sister and brother-in-law had even had kids until the cops contacted her.”
Once we reached the studio, Jonas began cleaning up all the various supplies. “We’ve been worried about you,” he said, sending me a quick glance.
My first reaction was to ask why, but then I remembered Mace’s comment about them seeing me as family.
“Mace tried to call you a couple times over the past few months just to make sure you were okay.”
I actually felt guilty at that. “I thought he’d want a clean break…I thought you’d all want that.”
“I guess the things I said to you didn’t help with that,” Jonas said with a sigh.
“Jonas-”
“I was wrong to judge you like I did. I let my fear for Mace cloud my thinking and I took it out on you. If you hadn’t done what you did for him, for me, for all of us…” Jonas just shook his head as if the rest was too painful to even voice.
“You asked me a question in the hospital that day, do you remember?”
Jonas put down the paint tray he’d been cleaning up and nodded. “You said having an outlet for your hate worked for you and I asked if that were really true.”
“I didn’t see it then,” I admitted. “I thought I’d fixed what was broken inside of me but all I did was bury it so deep that it couldn’t touch me anymore. I became someone who wasn’t broken. Someone who didn’t feel, didn’t care, didn’t love or hate.”
I sucked in a deep breath and forced myself to continue, but I had to drop my eyes to do it. “And I’m terrified that even if I can find a way to going back to who I was, what if I’m still so broken that even he can’t fix me?”
“Is he the guy Mace and Cole are helping you protect?”
I nodded. It didn’t surprise me that Jonas knew about Seth. I doubted the three men kept any secrets from each other. Not like I’d been keeping from Seth…that I was still keeping.
“Do you love him?”
I nodded again, not sure why it was so hard to say yes out loud.
“Does he love you?”
“He says he does.”
“You don’t believe him?” Jonas asked gently.
I shook my head. “I believe him, but he loves a version of me that doesn’t exist.”
“He doesn’t know about what you do,” Jonas said in understanding.
Humiliation coursed through me. I felt raw and exposed and weak and I fucking hated it. The need to escape was overwhelming. “You know what, I’m sorry…I shouldn’t have bothered you with this.”
I turned to go but Jonas easily caught up to me and stepped in my path. He didn’t touch me which I was glad for. His touch wouldn’t be devastating like Seth’s, but I still didn’t want it…especially now.
“Ask me, Ronan,” Jonas said softly. “Ask me what you came here to ask me.”
I shook my head but didn’t move. When I finally lifted my eyes, I saw no judgement or ridicule in the young man’s eyes. I drew in a deep breath and forced the words from my lips. “When you knew what he did, did it change how you felt about him? Even just a little?”
“No,” Jonas said without hesitation. “No,” he repeated firmly. No explanation. No reasoning. Nothing beyond the truth of that one powerful word.
I managed a nod. It was the answer I’d been expecting but it was the conviction with which he said it
that had a glimmer of hope sparking deep inside of me.
“What’s his name?”
“Seth.”
I dropped my eyes again and realized I was tapping my fingers together. I bit back a curse and clenched my hand into a fist.
“Will you bring Seth to dinner tonight so we can meet him?”
I should have said no because I doubted Seth would want to go and I was feeling too much like an exposed nerve to deal with anything besides the anxiety of needing to find a way to tell Seth the truth…about everything. But then I remembered Mace’s words about family and I realized that family was something Seth and I both desperately needed more of. At worst, Seth and Jonas were close enough in age that maybe they’d hit it off enough that Seth would have someone to talk to if he decided to send me packing.
“He has a dog-” I began to say.
Jonas laughed. “He’s more than welcome. But just a word of warning…Casey kind of talked us into taking in a few foster animals.”
I chuckled. Casey was Jonas’s best friend and I knew from the research I’d done on Jonas after discovering Benny’s failed hit, that the young woman and Jonas had run an animal shelter for years and that Casey Prescott continued to take in unwanted animals. The huge house she and her husband owned in the Hamptons had been turned into an unofficial sanctuary. It was no surprise that Jonas and his men had been sucked into the fold.
“I’ll ask him,” I finally said.
Jonas smiled brightly and stepped out of my way. “See you tonight.”
I nodded and walked past him.
“Hey, Ronan?”
I stopped and glanced over my shoulder at him.
“Welcome back,” he said with a smile. I studied him for another moment and then gave him a quick nod before I turned and left the gallery.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Seth
I was numb by the time Ronan and I arrived back at the hotel after dinner at Jonas, Mace and Cole’s townhouse in Brooklyn. I’d actually had a really good time getting to know Ronan’s friends, despite my initial reservations about accepting the invitation. Before Ronan had left earlier in the day, he’d introduced me to Mace, but I hadn’t actually spoken to the scary looking, tattooed giant of a man. I hadn’t done much of anything since the night before when I’d begged Ronan to let me go. My request should have freed me to focus on the future.
Salvation (The Protectors, Book 2) Page 19
