by Zoë Marshall
First, he changed the location preferences to the area her college was in, then he set the age range at eighteen to twenty-three. He knew twenty-three was a bit on the steep side, but her Prince Charming might just end up being five years older. A grad student, perhaps? He began the search and shook his head at every guy he saw, swiping down to everyone. Then he paused as he realized he was going to have to be less picky. He had high standards for Sutton, but he knew he needed to let that go a bit. He needed to be open-minded.
Cole spent the next hour or so fooling around on Sutton’s Matchbox account. He had chosen to swipe up for a few possible matches. Now, all he had to do was wait to see if they found her suitable as well.
SUTTON WASN’T SURE what to write on Cole’s Matchbox profile. She knew him really well, but she couldn’t exactly post things like his irrational fear of garden hoses or that time he threw up all over his gym teacher sophomore year. She closed her eyes for a minute, trying to think about what she would want to read on someone’s profile. She then began to type:
I’m not sure what I’m looking for on here. I’m just a city boy turned small town football player. I have no idea what I’m going to major in. All I know is I want to enjoy the ride. I want someone to laugh with, someone to make happy. There’s nothing I love more than making someone happy. I won’t prattle on about how I love the outdoors and country music, like mostly every other guy on here does. I don’t like country music and I don’t like bugs. I live a simple life. I just want someone to enjoy it with me. My deepest, darkest secret is that I went to a Britney Spears concert once … and I enjoyed it. My family and friends come before all else. I’m a loyal guy and I always hold the door open for a lady.
Sutton figured that would do for now. She could always edit it later. Now to pick out some pictures. She chose a few of her favorites from his Instagram photos. Then she started searching.
She shook her head as she flipped through the crappy selection of girls near his college. None of them seemed like his type, but she guessed the whole point was that they were forcing each other away from their respective types. So, she decided to be less judgmental.
She found a couple girls who could possibly be a good fit. One of them was a horseback rider from Wisconsin, another a gymnast from New York City. Now for the waiting game.
I’M A COUNTRY boy with an affinity for cow-tipping. If you’re looking for a blanket on a cold night, look no further. I’ve got you, girl. Stepping over a puddle? Guess who’s got a jacket to lay down for you? Me, I do. Flat tire? You bet I’ve got the jack you need. I’m the cherry on your sundae, the milk in your cereal, the waves in your ocean. Whatever you need … look no further. Because all you need is a little Chad in your life.
Chad: I know what you’re thinking. ‘Cheeses Christ, I’m grate but this guy could be cheddar. O queso, he has some humor problems, but I don’t want to make him brie forever provolone, because then he would be bleu. I just swiss I could make sure he was a gouda guy so I could get parmesan to get to know him more….’
Hi, I’m Chad. I like cheesy puns and am also having a surprisingly boring day at work.
Sutton: Who doesn’t like a good cheese pun?
Chad: I know, right? So, do you go to Hardman?
Sutton: Yeah, I just started. What about you?
Chad: It’s my second year. Do you have a major yet?
Sutton: Creative writing.
Chad: Nice! I’m a psych major. I decided on that major last year when I took human sexuality. It was really interesting.
Sutton: I bet.
Chad: LOL. Not like that!
Sutton: Suuuuure.
Chad: So, do you need an experienced navigator to show you around campus sometime?
Sutton: Experienced navigator, huh?
Chad: Yes, indeed.
Sutton: Maybe I’d be foolish to pass on that opportunity then.
Chad: Totally foolish. So, Sutton, how’s this Friday night for you?
Sutton: I think that works.
Chad: Awesome. I know a fun little place we could get dinner, then maybe walk around the poor excuse for a downtown that we have here. Do you like Italian food?
Sutton: It’s my favorite.
Chad: Okay, perfect. Send me your number and we’ll solidify the deets.
As per their arrangement, Cole sent Sutton a picture of Chad half an hour before the date and filled her in with any relevant information she should know about their conversations, which wasn’t much, except something about cheese. She was throwing clothes around her room frantically. She hadn’t been on a date for a year. Not a real date, anyway. She had been very anti-dating since Aiden stomped on her heart so carelessly. But here she was, moving on. She was simultaneously proud and terrified.
But how was she supposed to dress?
Sutton was relieved when she heard the door open to reveal Ava’s always-stylish self walking in. “Thank god!!”
Ava laughed. “Oh, yeah, the big date is tonight!”
“Yes, and I have absolutely nothing to wear! What do I wear? Something casual?”
“Ish. Not too casual. I tend to overdress. But for you, let’s see … what about those faded skinny jeans of yours? Maybe with….” Ava rummaged through Sutton’s closet for a moment, before pulling out a pair of tan wedges. “These.”
“What shirt?”
“Umm … that flowy light blue halter top thing you have looks great with your eyes.”
“What would I do without you?”
“I know, right? I’m awesome.”
Both girls laughed as Sutton changed.
Ava looked up and down at the finished product, then handed Sutton a long silver necklace and matching bracelet. “We don’t want to over-accessorize. These should be perfect. And your hair looks great down.”
Sutton smiled nervously.
“Where is he taking you, anyway?”
“Some Italian place,” Sutton replied.
“At that poor excuse for a downtown?”
“Yeah.”
“Probably Alessandro’s.”
“Is it good?”
“Amazing. Get the penne carbonara. The sauce is literally to die for,” Ava replied, practically drooling.
“What are you up to tonight?” Sutton asked, closing the clasp on the bracelet.
“There’s a pajama party at Delta Sigma Phi tonight. And I got the most adorable silk robe for it. You should stop by after your date. I mean—if it doesn’t go as well as I hope it does.”
“I’ll let you know. Shoot, I’m supposed to meet him any minute. Are you sure I look okay?”
“Parfait.”
“Thank you so much, Ava. You’re the best roommate ever!” Sutton exclaimed.
“Go get him, cowgirl.”
“Okay, here goes nothing.”
“Don’t do anything I would do!”
Sutton smiled as she grabbed her purse and headed out to the quad where Chad was supposed to meet her. She paced around anxiously, then decided to take a seat on a bench. She looked at her phone and noticed he was already five minutes late. Sutton didn’t do late. She’d rather be two hours early than one minute late. She debated whether or not to text Chad, but decided to play it cool instead.
After another five minutes passed, she was beginning to get frustrated. This was an awful first impression. Hopefully he had some amazing excuse. Or hopefully, at the very least, he would make up for it with the perfect date.
Suddenly, she felt a tap on her shoulder, and turned around to find an intimidatingly tall guy. He was even taller than Cole, and Cole was 6’3”. Chad was mildly goofy-looking, with curly black hair and square-framed hipster glasses. He was wearing a blue and red flannel button-up with a white shirt underneath. And, dear god, was that a puka shell necklace?
The early nineties called. They want their jewelry back, Sutton thought.
He wore dark grey jeans with giant holes at both knees. She couldn’t figure out whether they were intentional or not. And
he was wearing filthy white sneakers. Good thing she hadn’t overdressed.
“I’m so sorry I’m late. I was on a roll with Call of Duty and really couldn’t put it down. You look stunning, Sutton.”
A video game, really? she thought. But she wanted to give him a chance, so she decided not to write him off just yet. “Thank you.”
“My car is parked in the west lot. Shall we?” He put his arm out and she hesitantly hooked hers in his.
“We shall,” Sutton replied nervously.
As they walked to the car, Chad went on and on about how much he missed his farm and his mother and his love of country music. Sutton had never been a huge country music fan. She was more into alternative music, whatever that genre even consisted of anymore. Chad was so busy talking on the way to the car that Sutton could barely get a word in. She was already Chadd’ed out and they hadn’t even headed downtown yet.
They reached the lot, and chatty Chad led her to a red pickup truck. Sutton thought maybe he’d open the door for her, but no such luck. She tried to remain optimistic as they drove to the restaurant, but Chad talked about himself the entire time and didn’t ask her a single question. It was The Chad Show, and Sutton had a front row seat. He blasted country music during the drive and practically had to scream at her the whole time.
There was no parking, so Chad pulled into a handicapped space.
“We can’t park here,” Sutton said.
“Yes, we can,” Chad replied. “I do it all the time.”
Sutton decided not to fight him on it. She didn’t want to appear bossy. Plus, it was his car, and therefore not her problem. She climbed down from the pickup’s cab without a helping hand from Chad. They exited the car and they walked across the street to Alessandro’s. It looked nice. She figured Chad would have made a reservation, seeing as the place was packed. Again, no such luck. They stood awkwardly in a large crowd near the bar as Chad told her a story about cow-tipping. She tried her best to feign interest.
Chad ordered Sutton a water and himself a gin and cranberry juice, then pulled out his ID to show the bartender. Sutton knew his profile said he was nineteen, but he pulled out what appeared to be the world’s worst quality fake ID and handed it to the bartender. Then he turned to Sutton and told her he had forgotten his cash and could she pay. Apparently Sutton was going to be paying for dinner as well.
Sutton debated whether or not she should leave immediately. Then she imagined Cole’s voice in her head. Just give him a chance…. So, she reluctantly pulled out a twenty-dollar bill and handed it to the bartender. As soon as she got her change and left three dollars as a tip, she heard Chad’s name being called.
They followed the hostess to a small corner table in the loud dining room. The server immediately brought them some bread and butter. Sutton practically devoured three pieces of bread as Chad finally finished his cow-tipping story, which Sutton had started to fear would ever end. She had stopped paying attention as soon as she was forced to pay for his drink.
Sutton was a patient girl, but this was already shaping out to be quite a disappointing date. She cursed Cole in her head as Chad finally took a break from story time and ordered for her, without even asking her what she wanted. Apparently she would be getting eggplant Parmesan. Eggplant happened to be one of the only foods she didn’t enjoy—she hated the texture—but she didn’t want to say anything, so she decided she would just go with it.
“So, Sutton, how are you enjoying your classes so far?”
Sutton was thrown off guard at the first question he had asked her since they met up. “Well, I’m loving my creative writing class and my—”
“I loved creative writing,” Chad interrupted. “I took it as an elective last year.”
Sutton was so appalled by his lack of interest in her that she simply nodded her head and nibbled at another piece of bread.
“I’m surprised you stay so thin with all of those carbs,” Chad said.
Sutton was speechless. This was already the most awful date she had ever been on. Why hadn’t she arranged for Cole or Ava to call her to fake an emergency, in case of the already necessary emergency exit from this date? She had completely tuned Chad out when she heard him clear his throat.
“Are you even listening to me?”
No, she wasn’t, in fact. She just wanted the gross eggplant to arrive so she could take one bite, then fake a stomach ache.
“Sorry, my head is just pounding.”
“Ah, the old headache trick. Is this date that awful?”
Sutton was silent for a moment as she thought about how to approach answering the question. She figured she’d go with a classic. “I’m just still having such a hard time getting over my ex.” She knew how much guys hated it when you brought up exes on a date.
“Yeah, me too. So, this will be good for both of us.”
Sutton was discouraged. There was simply no shaking this guy.
“Speaking of my ex, that bitch texted me the other day. She had the nerve to ask me for her shirt back. I mean, she obviously left it on purpose, in the hopes of seeing me again. Girls are so pathetic.”
Sutton thought that the only thing worse than bringing up an ex on a date was bashing one. She could only imagine how he would be talking about her to his friends after this date. She couldn’t wait to get home and rip Cole a new one for setting her up with this jerk in the first place. Had he done it on purpose? He had to know she would never go for a guy like this. She began plotting her revenge. She wanted to pick a girl Cole would enjoy a date with as much as she was enjoying this one. But that wasn’t really Sutton’s style, so she would never actually do that intentionally, no matter how much he deserved it.
Sutton needed to try a different tactic. “Yeah, guys are the worst. All of them. My ex was selfish and arrogant and only ever talked about himself.” She shuddered as she said the words, because she didn’t like to speak badly of anyone. Aiden had played her pretty hard, but she still cherished the good memories they had, like the time they went to a Kings of Leon concert together and stayed up until 6am talking about their hopes and dreams. No matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t focus on the negatives, though there were plenty. Sutton just wasn’t one to hold a grudge. She was sad and heartbroken, but she had loved the guy and chose to try to see the best of him, even through the wreckage. She still thought of him often, though a part of her knew she never even crossed his mind. This monstrosity of a date was supposed to be a distraction, but it only made her think of Aiden more.
The awkward silence continued as the food arrived and Sutton moved it around on the plate with her fork.
“Did you want to grab a drink after this?” Chad asked after a couple minutes, with his mouth full of pasta.
“Um … no, thank you. I don’t have an ID. Plus, I’m not a big drinker.”
Chad scoffed. “You’re boring is what you are.”
Sutton had a lot of patience, but it had worn too thin. She threw her napkin down, grabbed her purse and walked out, never once looking back. She wasn’t sure how she was going to get back to campus, but she didn’t care. She also didn’t care about how Chad was going to pay for dinner. She’d walk the few miles, if that was what it took to get away from him.
Instead, she called a cab. She wanted to text Cole, but she thought she’d better wait until she was less irritated. She knew she would snap on him and, though he did deserve it, she always liked to think before she spoke.
After the cab ride back, she walked into her room, grabbed her phone before tossing her purse on the desk, and immediately lay down on the bed, staring at the blank ceiling. She had calmed down enough that she was ready to text Cole.
What the hell, C? That guy was a complete douchebag. How could you think I would like that cheese pun farmer?
He texted back about a minute later:
That bad, huh? Was he ‘nacho type’? Hah. Sorry, I couldn’t resist.
It isn’t funny. This was supposed to make me feel better and instead I
feel worse.
Does this mean you’ll retaliate with picking my first girl?
I haven’t decided yet.
Any prospects?
A few. I’m exhausted. Talk tomorrow?
Yeah. Listen. Sutt – I am truly sorry. I thought you could use a country boy, being a city girl and all. I just wanted to break your patterns, you know?
I know. You know how much I love a good sense of humor and he had potential. I need to get some sleep after that disaster, but I’ll fill you in tomorrow.
Sounds good. I want to hear all about it.
Night C.
Night Sutt.
Sutton placed the phone on her desk and headed to the co-ed bathroom to get ready for bed. Back in her room, she fell asleep in a matter of seconds after she lay down. Hopefully Ava wouldn’t be too loud when she got home, but Sutton was a pretty deep sleeper anyway. That night, she slept like a baby. A disturbed little baby.
FOR A GOOD time, call 867-5309. Get it? Lol. I’m a sweet girl with a sweet tooth. If you bring me cupcakes, I will be forever yours. I’m a freshman at Burlington University and I have absolutely no idea what I want to do with my life. I’m a gymnast with a heart of gold. Actually, let’s make it a heart of platinum, because gold sucks. Don’t message me and say ‘hey’ or ‘hi’ or ‘wassup’, because I won’t respond. Put a little effort in, guys! I’m a catch, so you need to try to reel me in. I promise I’m worth the chase ;)
Cole: Hey is for horses.
Jenny: Well, aren’t you clever.
Cole: I tried calling your number, but it was disconnected. Maybe I had the wrong area code?
Jenny: Lol. I heard they won’t give out that number with any area code because the person would get too many prank calls.
Cole: I can imagine. So, how’s your night going?
Jenny: Just doing some homework for my intro to sociology class. You?
