by Noelle Adams
Worry tightened in her chest. It wasn’t like him. At all. He’d never been the sort to lie around the house all day. If she was going to do what he’d asked her to do—to help him be himself again—then she’d have to encourage him to get out this evening.
He was standing over the stove, stirring a pot of soup, and he smiled at her over his shoulder.
She smiled back, rather distractedly, since she was trying to think of something to suggest that would get him out of the house. “That smells good.”
“It’s just chili,” he said.
He offered her the spoon, and she tasted it, nodding and making a sound to let him know how good it was. “We should go out for dessert afterwards,” she said, making sure to sound light and casual. “There’s a really good doughnut shop down the block that you’ve never tried. They’ve started baking really good cupcakes.”
“Maybe,” he said, turning back to his pot. “Let’s see how we feel.”
She sighed and went to the bedroom to change clothes, since she was wearing a skirt today and didn’t want to keep it on all evening. She changed into a warm tunic sweater and a pair of black leggings, and she was opening the closet to hang up her work clothes when she realized that the door opened smoothly.
She called out, “Did Micah send someone over to fix the closet door?”
“No. I fixed it.”
“Oh. Really? I didn’t know you could do that.” She opened and closed the closet, pleased by how well it was working. Mark had never been particularly handy around the house before—but maybe it was because he’d never really had the time.
She came back into the kitchen area smiling. “Maybe after dinner, we can go out and take a walk, if you don’t want any cupcakes.”
“It’s a good evening to stay in. I’ll go get you a cupcake, if you want,” he said, staring down at the chili pot, which he was still stirring.
“No. That’s all right. So you don’t want to go out?”
“Not really.”
“You’ve been in all day, haven’t you?”
“Yes. What’s your point?”
He was sounding distant, slightly guarded now, which he hadn’t sounded earlier, when she’d first come home. She felt a swell of frustration. She just wanted to let the whole thing go. If he didn’t want to go out tonight, then he didn’t have to. But he’d asked her specifically if she’d help him be who he used to be, and she didn’t want to let him down.
She had to be strong, even when she didn’t want to. “You’re not the kind to hang around the house all day, is all I meant.” She walked up to him, staring down into the chili, which he was stirring as if his life depended on it.
His jaw looked tense. “I guess not.”
“So you want to go out to get cupcakes or something after dinner?”
“Sure. Why not?”
She should feel like it was victory, but she didn’t.
***
The next day, Sophie talked Mark into coming to Bible study with her.
He didn’t really want to come, since he was still uncomfortable around a lot of people he didn’t know. He hadn’t come to church with her on Sunday, something that really worried her, since he’d always been a faithful attender before. So she told him that the Bible study was small—only three other couples and a few single women from church—so it would be a lot less intimidating than the church service of a couple hundred people.
Since she didn’t let it go after his first hesitation, he reluctantly agreed. She knew he wasn’t particularly happy as they were leaving the apartment and getting into the car, but he didn’t look angry or resentful.
And he had to start making some advances if he was ever going to get back to his old self again.
He couldn’t just hang out with her in their apartment the rest of his life. That wasn’t who he was at all, and she was sure that wouldn’t be good for him.
“They must have put up the Christmas decorations this afternoon,” she said, noticing the white lights and ribbons on the light poles down the main streets in town. She was driving. Mark had been letting her do most of the driving. That wasn’t like him either, but she wasn’t yet prepared to make an issue of it yet.
“I saw them working on them about four,” Mark said. “They got them up quick.”
Sophie felt better as they drove to Daniel and Jessica Duncan’s house, where the Bible study took place. Mark seemed fine. He wasn’t particularly withdrawn or anxious. He would do fine tonight, and he would keep getting better.
The decorations in town were attractive and festive, and Sophie almost felt in a holiday mood for the first time that year. She said, “We should get a Christmas tree.”
“Sure. As long as it’s a real one.” He gave her a little smile.
She giggled. Her parents always had an artificial tree—the same one they’d had since her childhood—and Mark had been horrified when he’d heard about it.
They’d never actually spent a Christmas together. They’d started dating in November, so they’d spent that Christmas apart—as they weren’t committed enough yet to travel to her family together. They’d gotten married in July, and he’d left on assignment in November, so she’d spent the following Christmases without him.
This year, Christmas was going to be good. She was finally going to get to spend it with Mark. “They’ve got several places around here where we can go pick one out and cut it ourselves.”
“You’re planning to cut down a tree, are you?”
“Well, I figured you’d do the cutting. I’d do the picking out.”
His eyes were resting on her face, looking soft and affectionate. “Is that the way it works?”
“Yes.” She tried to look resolute, but she was so distracted by his expression that she was having trouble keeping her eyes on the road. “That’s the way it works.”
It only took a few minutes to get to the Duncans. They lived in the church manse—a lovely old house with a wide porch and big windows. Most of the other people were already there when they entered, and Sophie was worried it would be too much for Mark as they walked in to a lot of staring eyes.
Everything went fine, though. Jessica and Daniel greeted them with causal friendliness, and the others introduced themselves without giving Sophie and Mark an interrogation.
Maybe they’d all resolved not to put Mark on the spot, but—for whatever the reason—it was easy to take their seats and join the conversation without any pressure.
Sophie kept giving Mark discreet looks to make sure he wasn’t tense or uncomfortable, but he looked fine. As the small talk turned to prayer and Bible study, he even joined the conversation, answering some of the questions about the passage from Galatians they were studying and even asking a question about the meaning of a word.
Sophie was thrilled. She’d thought he would sit quietly the whole time, since he hadn’t wanted to go. But he didn’t appear to have any trouble at all, fitting in and involving himself with the others. When the Bible study broke up, he even asked a question of Chuck Todd, a guy about his age who was sitting beside him, who had mentioned he played with a community basketball team.
It sounded like Mark wanted to get involved.
So Sophie was on a high as the Bible study ended and she and Mark stood up. The others were mingling, one couple already making a move to leave, since they had a babysitter with their kids at home.
“That went well,” Sophie murmured, making sure only Mark could hear.
“Of course.” His brow wrinkled. “Why wouldn’t it?”
“I don’t know. You just didn’t seem to want to go, but it looked like you had a decent time.”
Something changed in his eyes. She saw it happen. Instead of the laidback friendliness of before—when he was interacting with the others—he suddenly looked guarded again. There was no way to mistake it. “It was fine,” he murmured, turning away from her slightly.
She stared at the back of his head, confusion and disappointment washing away her
excitement from before. She suddenly realized something. Even though Mark seemed to be reluctant to socialize much, he actually didn’t have much trouble with other people.
It was evidently harder for him to spend time with her.
She was the one he had trouble getting close to.
It hurt so much that her throat closed up, and she could barely answer when Margaret, a single woman who was a local teacher, asked her if she’d read a new book.
Sophie shook her head, trying to find the ability to speak again, and she was relieved when Jessica saved her by asking her if she could help in the kitchen, since Nathan had started to fuss.
Sophie gratefully helped to pick up coffee cups and carry them to the kitchen to wash out. Jessica didn’t even expect her to chat, since the other woman was holding her ten-month-old boy and murmuring to him to get him to go back to sleep.
By the time the mugs were in the dishwasher, Sophie was back in control of herself. Maybe that was normal too—that the people you were closest to were the hardest to be close to again, after going through something like Mark had. She wasn’t going to take it personally.
When she and Jessica went back into the living room, it was empty.
“Daniel wanted to show Mark his workshop,” Jessica said, shaking her head with a fond smile. “Any time he gets a fresh audience, he has to show it off.”
Mark would probably enjoy checking it out. He’d always liked the idea of power tools. It was good for him to spend time with other men. Sophie tried not to worry that he’d prefer to spend time with Daniel than with her.
“How is everything going?” Jessica asked softly, sitting down in a chair with Nathan in her lap. He was a very chubby boy with fair hair and big brown eyes. He was going to look a lot like Daniel.
Sophie nodded, determined to show nothing but optimism. “Good. It’s going really good.”
Jessica’s eyes were sharp but not intrusive. “How is Mark doing?”
Sophie nodded again and tried to smile. “He’s great.”
“Is he?”
For some reason, the soft question almost did Sophie in, after her crushing realization earlier. “I…I don’t know.” She tightened her face and turned away so Jessica couldn’t see how close she was to tears.
“I guess it’s got to be a lot of ups and downs.”
Sophie sniffed and turned back. “Yes. Yes, it is. But I’m sure, overall, he’s doing really well.”
“Did anyone suggest that you all might still need some more…some more extra help? I can’t imagine how rough a transition it is for both of you.”
“They did suggest that. They gave us a long list of referrals to counselors and support groups and such. But Mark doesn’t want to do any of that. He says it makes him feel like an invalid, when he’s not.”
Jessica sighed, her expression sympathetic. “Yeah. I can see how it would feel like that. It’s just a situation that most people don’t go through. It’s got to be hard, trying to muddle through alone.”
Sophie stiffened. “He’s not alone.”
“Oh, I didn’t mean he was alone! Of course, he’s not. I meant you two, as a couple, were trying to do it alone. It’s got to be hard. I mean, how do you know what to think about all the different ways that you’re feeling?”
Sophie slumped back, suddenly as depressed as she’d been optimistic as they were heading for Bible study. “I don’t know. I don’t know how to do any of it.”
“I wouldn’t either.”
In a strange way, Jessica’s last words made her feel a lot better—like she wasn’t completely clueless, bumbling around, always saying the wrong thing, making Mark withdraw from her.
Both women were sitting quietly, Nathan having gone back to sleep, when the men reentered the room, both of them slightly windblown from being outdoors in the cold.
“Did you show off your workshop to Mark adequately?” Jessica asked lightly.
“Unlike some people I might mention, he was duly appreciative of my power tools.” Daniel was smiling as he went to sit down next to his wife on the sofa, his eyes resting on his sleeping son.
Sophie wondered if Mark was ready to go, but he sat down beside her on the loveseat, so she didn’t start making moves to leave.
“So is it strange and hard for you two,” Daniel asked, without segue, “being back together again?”
Sophie felt Mark stiffen slightly beside her. “We’re doing okay,” he said softly.
“You think so too?” Daniel asked, his eyes focused now on Sophie.
“Of course,” Sophie said quickly, before Mark got defensive. She wished Daniel hadn’t been so direct, but he was always kind of like that. His job was the spiritual wellbeing of his congregation, and he took it seriously—even if he ended up sometimes stepping on toes. “I think we’re doing great, considering.”
Daniel pulled his eyebrows together as his gaze moved from one to the other of them. After a minute, he asked softly, “Do you put up the happy front with each other too?”
Mark was very tense now. Sophie reached over to rub his arm. He’d never had a hot temper, but he’d been prickly since he’d returned—as anyone would have been. “What do you mean?” she asked.
“I get it, that you want to make sure everyone knows you’re doing fine, that you’re happy to be together, that any problems are easily dealt with.” Daniel always had a good sense of humor, but he was dead serious now. “But that’s not what the church is about. That’s not what marriage is about. If you’re not real with each other—if we as the church aren’t real with each other—than we’ll never be able to help one another.”
“What makes you think we’re not real with each other?” Mark asked, his voice low and slightly rough.
“I don’t think that. I don’t think it at all. I was just asking the question.” He sighed. “I see all the time people saying they’re fine, they’re okay, they’re perfectly good, when inside they’re falling apart.” He turned his head to smile faintly at Jessica. “When we first got married, I was falling apart, trying to deal with lingering issues from the death of my first wife, and I stuck to that ‘I’m fine’ story like glue. And all it did was shut Jessica out. It made it impossible for our marriage to grow, for me to love her as much as I wanted to.”
“He’s not judging,” Jessica put in gently, leaning her head onto Daniel’s shoulder in sweet gesture of absolute trust that Sophie suddenly envied with an intensity she’d never felt before. “If there’s a mistake to be made, Daniel has made it first.” She giggled at the mock-outrage on her husband’s face. “So have I.”
Mark was relaxing a little now, evidently deciding that the other couple wasn’t attacking them after all. Sophie exhaled in relief. She always seemed to be so worried about Mark’s responses that she barely had time to process her own.
“We’re doing our best,” she said, looking over at Mark. She had another moment of disorientation, as if the man sitting beside her wasn’t the man she had married. “It takes time.”
Mark looked over at her, holding her gaze for a minute. She wasn’t sure how to read the expression in his eyes.
“Yeah, I know it takes time,” Daniel said, in a gentler tone. “Everything that’s worth anything does.”
***
Mark and Sophie were quiet on the way home, both of them lost in their own thoughts.
Before they’d reached the apartment, Sophie realized that Daniel was right in wondering whether they were being real with each other.
She didn’t know about Mark, but she knew she wasn’t always being real. She wanted to be hopeful. She wanted to be strong. She didn’t want him to see that she had any worries and doubts.
Maybe that wasn’t actually being honest with him like she’d wanted to be.
She was praying about it as they walked into the apartment, trying to think of a way to bring it up that wouldn’t make her sound like she was discontent with their relationship. She was still trying to think of something to say as they to
ok off their coats and gloves.
It was late, and she was tired, so she went into the bedroom, sitting on the bed and toeing off her shoes.
Mark followed her and then stood looking down at her. “You’re thinking about what he said.” He appeared slightly wary but not resentful or annoyed.
His comment made it easy to bring her concerns up. “Yeah. Are you?”
He nodded and sat down on the bed beside her. “I know things haven’t been good between us. I know you haven’t been happy.”
“I have been happy,” she said in a rush, reaching over to take his hand. “You have no idea how happy I am to have you back.”
“But I’m not the man you expected to come back.” He was staring down at the floor, but he didn’t pull his hand away from hers.
She took a shaky breath before she replied, “I’d be silly to think you’d be exactly the same. I can’t even imagine what you went through. I’d like to know more about it, when you’re ready to tell me. It might help me understand more…more about what you’re dealing with now.”
He opened his mouth and then closed it again. “I’m not ready yet.”
“That’s okay. I’m not making any demands on you. I just want to…I just want to…”
“What do you want?” He turned to look at her suddenly, his brown eyes dark and intense. “Please tell me what you want, Sophie. I want you to be happy. I keep trying to be who I used to be, but I feel like I’m constantly disappointing you, like I’m not able to be the man you want. I can’t stand to feel like I’m no longer able to make you happy.”
She was almost trembling with emotion as she clung to his hand. “You’ve never disappointed me. I just want to be able to help you, and I don’t feel like I’ve been any help at all.”
“You are helping me. Of course, you are.”
“How?” The one word was almost a whisper. She felt completely helpless in the face of a world that had damaged him this way, and she hated the feeling.
It was Mark’s turn to take a shaky breath, but he didn’t turn away from her as he said, “You make me feel so much more than what hurts.”
