He cared. She couldn’t possibly miss how much in his kindness, in his eagerness to please her.
But Susanna wouldn’t repay his generosity by becoming a quivering heap in his arms, refused to give in to the emotion taking over. “Is this why you talked me out of buying the air mattress? You don’t have one packed away in storage, do you?”
He shook his head.
“You are so, so sweet. But are you absolutely sure?”
“Susanna, there are eight bedrooms and ten bathrooms in this place. There are plenty of other rooms we can convert into bedrooms if we need them.”
She exhaled. “Jay, I don’t even know what to say. We’re talking a bunch of people. We’ll run roughshod all over Christmas with your brother.”
“A party sounds exactly like what this big old house needs, don’t you think? Haven’t had one in a long time, since before my mother got sick. But we still have to get a tree. I figured we could do that together. Sound good?”
Susanna couldn’t say anything. She had no words even if she could have gotten them past the tears welling up in her throat. So she launched up on her tiptoes and tossed her arms around his neck to hug him close, and she held him, savoring his laughter that burst warmly against her ear, the way he felt warm and strong and perfect against her.
And promising herself that she would absolutely, positively not let longing for the future interfere with the now.
Her gift to both of them.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
CHRISTMAS SEASON IN Susanna’s life had always involved festive celebrations—some recital or another, Nativity plays, classroom parties filled with cookies, laughter and excitement.
Preparations at home involved many cups of hot cocoa with marshmallows as Skip climbed on the roof to string lights, then he and the kids would lay tracks for his trains throughout the house. Susanna set up railway stations in tiny villages on puffy white fabric to resemble snow.
Christmas tree wars invariably ensued as the family marched around the tree farm, debating which tree should lose its life for a few shining weeks of glory and honor displayed in the Adams’ living room.
Baking started early so decorative tins of cookies could be given as gifts. Susanna, Brooke and both grandmothers would search for recipes, each year introducing a few new cookies with the tried and true.
But this Christmas...Susanna’s old and new lives collided in a bittersweet way that had less to do with mourning her old life than fearing the new.
The clock was ticking. She tried to rein in her feelings about Jay, but she’d created a mess. She’d arrived in Charlotte to convince Jay to leave so she could stay. Now she didn’t want him to go, which meant she’d have to leave.
But she didn’t want to leave, either.
This was never more apparent than when she and the kids arrived at Jay’s house for their holiday visit.
“Oh. My. God. I don’t even believe this place.” Brooke hung out the window snapping photos as Susanna drove down the oak alley leading to the main house standing majestically ahead.
As an art history major, Brooke appreciated architecture and atmosphere. The Arbors had both.
She grilled Susanna for details, who could only say, “I’ll introduce you to the owner. He’s lived here his whole life, so I’m sure he’ll be able to answer your questions.”
Susanna knew Brooke would love everything about The Arbors. Brandon was more reserved, not so much unimpressed by the surroundings as uninterested. Give him a bed and a fridge and he was good. She could easily see him snatching a few precious minutes of sleep on a cot in some hospital back room during the all-important internships. Her son the future doctor.
That thought made her smile.
“Want me to get the bags, Mom?” Brandon asked as they got out of the car.
“Smile,” Brooke directed, still snapping photos.
Susanna struck a pose with Brandon then said, “Thanks, but don’t bother. We can come down and get them later.”
Then the main door swung wide and Jay appeared, looking so handsome with his broad shoulders and low-slung jeans that Susanna had to consciously keep her expression neutral. Both dogs bolted through the door behind Jay, bounding down the stairs toward her.
Suddenly Brandon was interested.
“Hey, you guys.” He crouched down to let the dogs sniff him before petting them. A hand for each. “You live here?”
“All their lives,” Jay said. “Butters and Gatsby. Butters is the one trying to knock you down.”
Brandon smiled, welcoming the attention. “Hey guys.”
“This is Jay Canady, owner and property administrator of The Arbors.” Susanna leaned down to ruffle Gatsby’s head when he came to visit. “Jay, my son, Brandon, and my daughter, Brooke.”
Brooke let the camera dangle around her neck and went to the stairs with her hand outstretched. “So you’re the boss. Nice to meet you. Great house.”
“Great dogs.” Brandon stood wiping his now-dog-covered hands on his jeans before he headed toward Jay.
“Pleased to meet you both. Welcome to The Arbors.” Jay flashed that easy smile, the epitome of charming host. “Glad you could come.”
For one surreal moment Susanna simply stood there, absorbing the sight of her kids and Jay together on those front steps. The perfect Christmas gift. Could Jay possibly have known? Even beyond the festive decorations and warm invitation was seeing her beautiful children and this charming man together, all people she cared for so much.
And she did care. For her children with her heart and soul and everything she was. And for Jay, even though she shouldn’t. Not this much. Such a bittersweet admission for the way she felt right now. Blessed with so much love.
Jay suggested a tour to give everyone the lay of the land and to see their rooms. With the dogs on their heels, they headed inside to the living museum that was his house.
Through room after room, he graciously answered Brooke’s many questions, and Susanna learned much about the history of this man, who’d come to mean a great deal to her.
Enjoy the moment, she cautioned herself. Only the moment.
She was already in too deep.
“I’ll just show you the important places now,” Jay explained. “You feel free to explore whenever you want.”
She’d seen Jay tour people through the facility a number of times. He turned on that Southern charm, and her kids warmed right up to him. They chatted, mostly Brooke asking about the house until Jay sounded like a tour guide. But he made an effort to include Brandon in the conversation, too, and both her kids were smiling and gracious as Jay showed them their rooms and explained the arrangements.
“Is everybody’s stuff at the cottage or in the car?” Jay asked, stepping aside to allow everyone to pass him and head downstairs.
“In the car,” Susanna said, pausing before she followed the kids, glancing at Jay.
Their gazes met, and for that one instant, there was nothing but the two of them on the second-floor landing. Yearning, so potent, swept over her as his gaze caressed her face, a kiss in his expression. They drank in the sight of each other, the boundaries firmly in place for the holiday ahead, and a feeling of such longing, such loss filled her when she couldn’t reach up to brush the hair from his temple, the easy familiarity they’d shared now something that must be hidden.
She wasn’t sure who broke first. Him, she guessed because he sidestepped her and headed down the stairs, say
ing, “Come on, Brandon. Let’s get the bags, and please tell me the ladies didn’t pack for a month.”
Susanna hung back on the stairs, watching the two of them head cross the foyer in companionable silence, her handsome young son and her handsome young lover. One dark, one light, both tall, one lanky in youth, the other solidly masculine.
And she reminded herself to savor the moment because that’s all this was and would ever be.
One moment in time.
* * *
JAY GRABBED THE EMPTY snifter from the table and asked Walter, “Refill?”
Walter deliberated as he slanted a narrowed gaze between the snifter and Jay then back again. “You know, I think I will. It’s Christmas Eve. You’ll put me up tonight?”
“Plenty of room.” More likely Jay would drop off Walter at his house on the way to midnight mass if he got plowed on the pricey port Jay kept around specifically for him.
Walter didn’t know it yet but there was another bottle under the tree wrapped with a bow and a tag with his name on it.
Merry Christmas.
Jay slipped from the family room where everyone had congregated to relax after the meal and get their second wind before midnight mass. Butters was hard on his heels, probably thinking he could finagle a few more table scraps, but Gatsby stuck close to Susanna, who remained seated, greedy for attention rather than food.
He found Drew at the counter, contemplating a dark beer with the bottle opener in his hand.
“Too much life out there for you?” Jay asked.
Drew must have been deep in thought because his head snapped up at Jay’s question. But whatever was on his mind vanished beneath an easy smile.
“Hey, Jay. No. Not too much. It’s good to see Walter.”
Jay held up the snifter. “Round three. I think he’s having a good time.”
“Must be. Maybe that’s what I’ll go for. Don’t really want this beer.”
“Good. Help Walter polish off the bottle so we can keep him off the streets.” Jay headed to the hutch to retrieve another snifter while Drew replaced the beer in the fridge.
“Man, do you even remember the last time the house was this packed? It’s like the old days when we were kids.” Drew leaned back against the counter and folded his arms over his chest. “Unless you’re partying it up when I’m not around.”
Which was most of the time. Jay gave a snort of laughter. “There’s so much life in here tonight, I can barely breathe. And I think the last time the house was this packed would have to have been Gran’s funeral.”
“That long ago?”
Jay held the port poised over Walter’s empty glass. “Yeah, I don’t think we’ve actually had a party since Mom went to the facility. I wouldn’t call Mom’s or Dad’s funeral a party.”
Drew flinched at mention of their parents, and Jay was sorry he’d brought up the subject. He poured both glasses and slid a snifter Drew’s way.
Drew inhaled the aroma then took a hefty mouthful. “What the hell is it with this family, anyway?”
He didn’t need to elaborate. Jay knew what he meant. Everyone died young or lived to be really old and not in possession of their faculties.
Then again... “Gran lived a good long time and kept her wits. Granddad, too.”
“Not Dad and Mom. Or Great-Grandmom.”
“No, not them.” Dad died too young. Mom, too, but one might argue that Dad died because Mom had lost her mind. Then Mom had died because Dad had died.
Did it really matter?
Jay looked at his brother, really looked hard. He didn’t get the opportunity all that often. But Drew looked like he always looked. Except for the gray hairs sprouting around the temples. Barely noticeable with the buzz cut. Definite family resemblance. Drew was older, and all sharp edges and razor creases. Muscular and lean. The Terminator version of Jay. And the brother who drank the most, Jay realized as Drew tossed back the remainder of the port.
As he hadn’t even replaced the stopper in the bottle, he held it out. Drew nodded. Jay poured.
“You good?” Jay asked.
“Yeah, good to be home. Not looking forward to packing up that room, though. What are you doing with everything? Didn’t sound like you knew where you’d be settling yet.”
“No clue. As far as the stuff goes, I figured I’d give you a shot to take whatever you want. I’ll store what I want then have an estate sale for the rest.”
“Northstar doesn’t want anything?”
Jay shrugged. “They don’t even know what they’ll be doing with this place yet. That’s one of the things Susanna’s doing—making recommendations about how to best utilize this property.”
“Shit, Jay.” Drew took another healthy swallow.
Silence fell. A hard silence filled with all the things neither of them was saying.
“You got something to say, now’s the time.”
Drew frowned, looked undecided. He swallowed another sip. “I have no right to weigh in. Let’s get that straight up front.”
Jay set the bottle back on the counter and braced himself. A big part of him wanted to shut up Drew before he got started. Instead, he said, “Shoot.”
“Are you sure selling this place is the right thing to do?”
“No.”
Drew shook his head as if he didn’t hear correctly. “Didn’t see that coming. What do you mean no? That’s all you talk about.”
“The only thing to do. Not necessarily the right thing.”
“Got it.” Drew pushed the snifter Jay’s way, motioned him to drink.
Jay obliged by taking a hearty swig that seared a smooth path all the way down his throat. Walter liked this stuff why?
“Any way I can help?” Drew asked.
“You volunteering to run this place?”
Drew snorted. “That’d be some learning curve. I steered clear of the place even when I was home.”
“Cut to the chase, Drew. I have guests.” And he wasn’t inclined to ease Drew through any guilt he might be feeling for jumping ship when he had.
Drew narrowed his gaze, and alcohol hadn’t seemed to dilute the hard look in his eyes. “I know you, Jay. You devoted your life to deal with this place and everyone in it. I don’t want you to give up everything and live to regret it.”
A few months ago Jay would have told his brother not to worry. A few months ago he’d been sure going through with the acquisition was the right thing to do. But now...now that he’d come back to life and realized what some of the problem was, he also realized that he didn’t have much of a plan about what came next. Live. That covered a lot of things.
Marriage. Family. New home. New line of work.
“I’m sketchy about what comes after I leave.” Island sex with some random woman beneath tiki torches no longer interested him and hadn’t since he and Susanna had become lovers. “I’ve been working on this deal for a long time, Drew. It’s not like I’m running away.”
“You sure about that?”
Turned out Drew hadn’t earned the right to question Jay. He’d been smart enough to know even if Jay hadn’t realized it until now. “You don’t have a clue what you’re talking about.”
“Dude, I ran away. I freaking missed the only time I could have had with everyone. Mom, Dad, Gran, Granddad even. I screwed up. Don’t make the same mistake.”
“How in hell am I going to make the same mistake? Everyone’s dead already.”
“You got so
mething here now. Don’t throw it away because you’ve got your head wrapped around leaving.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Susanna.”
That stopped him cold. “What about her?”
Drew fixed Jay with a gaze that made him feel dense without a word. “Whatever’s going on with you two.”
Jay’s turn to drink. And not a random sip, either. Heading back to the hutch, he grabbed another snifter. “No comment.”
And he didn’t have one.
The only part of this holiday gathering he didn’t like involved Susanna and the way he had to keep his hands to himself for appearance’ sake. He didn’t have the same obligations as she had to her kids, but there was the staff to consider.
Walter and The Arbors staff didn’t need to know he and Susanna were involved. Not when he’d pretty well decided to sign the papers and leave them in her care. Jay didn’t want to undermine her relationship with the staff in any way.
And that wasn’t even touching the issue of honorable intentions. He wasn’t entirely comfortable with the way he would come off if everyone knew he’d gotten involved with Susanna, intending to leave town. That categorized their relationship in a way that didn’t really describe what was happening between them. Even island sex with nameless women left the potential for an honest relationship to develop. His relationship with Susanna had a foregone conclusion.
So what in hell was he doing with her?
Enjoying the moment?
That’s exactly what she’d say. Leave it to him to find the perfect woman when he was leaving.... But he couldn’t leave unless Susanna stayed, and how could she be the woman when she had already been living the life that he wanted?
He stared at Drew, not having a clue what to say.
“You’re going to leave me to guess?” Drew finally asked.
“Nothing to guess about.”
“Yeah, right.” Drew raised the snifter as a toast. “Here’s to screwing your head on straight. Merry Christmas.”
* * *
The Time of Her Life Page 21
