Now she felt too open. Too exposed. Exposure meant that he could see her and if he saw her? He might uncover what she had been hiding from him, which would likely end their time together. She didn’t want that. She had too little time left with him as it was.
Harry rose up on an elbow and looked at her quizzically, his eyes still hazy with sleep. “Penny. Sweetheart. It will be fine. I promise. Things are different now.”
She shook her head, fighting back a fresh wave of panic. “No. No, they are not, Harry. You don’t know. The consequences… You just don’t know.”
“Then tell me.” He sat up as well, careful to keep the counterpane across his lap, likely to hide his already-erect cock from her view. The man did have stamina. She would give him that. “Tell me what’s wrong, Penny. Please.”
Despite her earlier bliss, a single tear slid down her cheek. This was not how she had imagined her morning beginning, not after the most perfect night of her life. “I can’t. I want to, Harry, but…I can’t. I wish that I could.”
His gaze locked and held with hers and Penny felt as if once more, Harry was trying to see into the depths of her soul. Just as he had the night they met. “You can tell me anything, you know.”
Penny shook her head, feeling as if she might prefer to die just then, remembering the moment the other week that she had considered flinging herself down the stairs at the town home. Perhaps she should have. At the very least, it would have solved her problems. Except she couldn’t do it then and she couldn’t do it now. No more than she could have denied Harry or herself last evening.
“I can’t.” She sniffed pitifully, embarrassing herself even more.
Harry looked as if he wanted to say more, but finally, he sighed and shook his head in obvious annoyance mixed with a healthy dose of resignation. “Very well. I will be here waiting then, when you feel that you can. I need to you trust me, Penny. I need you to trust that I can keep you safe. No matter what issue might arise.”
Trust. Once it had been a bedrock of Penny’s life, but after her parents had died? She had lost her trust in just about everyone and everything. No one was looking out for her best interests, and everyone wanted something from her. So how could she trust? For trust was something that, once destroyed, was almost impossible to rebuild.
“I want to…Harry I…” She clutched the sheet tighter to her chest, so afraid that with one look, he would see everything. And she would lose him.
Because sometime during the night, what Penny had thought was merely lust and infatuation had turned into something more. Was it love? She didn’t know and couldn’t say. She wasn’t certain she knew what love was because how could one love if one could not trust? But whatever she was feeling this morning went deeper than mere attraction. What had begun as merely physical attraction was now something more, and Penny felt as if everything was beginning to careen out of control, much like a runaway carriage.
“But you can’t…” Harry eventually finished for her. Another sigh. This one was bordering on weary. “I hope that one day soon, my perfect Penny. that you can.”
“And for now?”
“Now, I will see you home and attempt to help you repair whatever damage you think has been done to your reputation with your rented servants.” The warm light that had shone in Harry’s eyes when he had first awoken was dimmed now and Penny hated herself because she knew she was the reason why.
Rising from the bed, he loomed over her and suddenly, she felt very, very small. “I wish you would trust me, Penny. I could solve all of your problems, if you only would.”
Except she didn’t think he could solve her problems. He only assumed he could.
Harry didn’t know Uncle Charles or the depth of his hatred for Phin. He didn’t know about the plan and about the threats to Josie. He had no idea how much Penny loved her cousin and how much she feared for her safety.
He would know, of course, if she simply told him, but despite her best efforts, she could not make the words form, no matter how hard she tried.
So they dressed in silence. The euphoric bliss Penny had known so briefly last night was gone now and she felt even colder and more alone than she had before. Harry helped her lace her corset and stays, making her feel even more wretched. For no man should be that good with lacing a woman’s garments unless he had done so before. And once she was gone from his life, he would likely do so again. With another woman. A woman who was not her. And that thought made her heart break just a little bit more.
Penny’s ivory and gold gown was crushed and horribly wrinkled. Her reticule was missing a few beads and her diamonds were now tucked inside of the small bag for safety. One slipper was missing a few of the golden spangles that formed the sunburst design near the toe and her hair was an utter disaster.
In short, Penny looked as if she had been well tumbled – which she had been. And unfortunately, everyone in Lord Willfield’s household would know it.
Still, despite all of that and despite the shame and guilt that flooded her for so many reasons, Penny could not bring herself to regret giving herself to Harry last night. He was the man she had wanted, the man she still wanted if she’d had a choice in her future. What she felt for him was more than desire and was something skirting dangerously close to love. She wished that he could be her future as well, even though that wish was as futile as wishing time would cease moving forward so she could live in the bliss of last night forever.
All of which was why she could not regret her choice. Not for one moment.
Because Harry had been her choice. Not her uncle’s and not Society’s and not anyone else’s. He was the man she wanted. Even if she couldn’t keep him.
By the time Harry and Penny reached the Willfield town home, the early morning sun had faded behind thick gray clouds that promised rain. The streets were largely silent, save for the servants and vendors scurrying about, eager to go about their day before the lords and ladies of London awoke and took precedence over everything and everyone else.
Suddenly, Penny found it all very stupid. All of it. Every facet of this life was stupid. What did it matter if someone had been born rich or poor? Duke or Runner? Were they not all the same? After all, if Harry could just be made the heir to a viscount simply by someone acknowledging that they were his sire, didn’t it make the entire class system rather foolish, not to mention utter nonsense?
Which was, Penny knew, a very radical idea and not something she could say. Not even to Harry. After all, in a very short period of time, he would be given what every man of the lower classes hoped and dreamed of – a title.
And once more, her anger – at just about everyone and everything – rose up in her anew. Only this time, she was afraid she would not be able to hold it back.
“Is there a reason, other than the obvious, for your melancholy? That really was a rather noisy sigh.” Despite everything, Harry still looked at her with that same amused grin that he had worn the night before – likely in spite of himself.
His heart was breaking, too. She could tell.
Penny shook her head, searching for the appropriate words. “It is nothing. Merely woolgathering and thinking rather bluestocking thoughts.”
He chuckled dryly. “I’ve always preferred a woman who thought about serious matters than one who thought only of dresses and balls.”
At that, Penny smiled as well, even though the knot of dread and anger still sat heavy in her stomach. “This is not new for me, unfortunately. I have always been something of a radical in that regard, much to the chagrin of my parents, despite what I said the other evening. I think that is why they named Uncle Charles my guardian. He rules with a much firmer hand than they ever did, and I suppose, they believed he could curb my bluestocking ways when another family member might not have been as successful.”
“So what?” Harry turned to her and once more, Penny felt her stomach dip, the flare of attraction for this man alighting anew, despite everything. “Are you advocating that women should sit
in Parliament? Or something a bit less radical?”
“I…” Once more, Penny hesitated and turned away, embarrassed.
Harry reached out and turned her chin so that she was forced to face him. “I know you don’t trust me, Penny. At least not with your most personal of secrets. But can’t we even have a simple conversation any longer? Remember the zoo animals? You told me about that without hesitation and that, I should think, is a very bluestocking idea to have.”
Harry was right, of course. There was no reason she shouldn’t confide in him. At least not about something like this.
Finally, she gestured toward the window and the streets of London beyond. “Don’t you think it’s all rather…silly sometimes?”
“What? London?” He looked confused.
Penny shook her head. “No. Well, yes. Kind of. I mean about the rules we live by that dictate who can dance in an assembly hall and who cannot.” She was, of course, speaking of Almack’s. “Rules that say two old women and their dragon friends can dictate whether or not a young lady in Cumbria whom they’ve never even met should be allowed to waltz or not.”
Harry began to interrupt her, but Penny was just getting started. “There are rules that say I must follow my uncle’s wishes, even if they harm me or hurt me, simply because I am a woman. Which, of course, implies that I cannot speak or think for myself because I am both stupid and foolish.” She plucked at her gown. “There are rules that state I cannot wear certain colors or dress a certain way because I am unwed, even though I am much older than many of these young brides with babes in their arms and far less innocent than they likely will ever be. There are rules about who I can speak with, rules about who you can associate with until, by the magic of a few words from a man who all but despises you, all of that changes because suddenly, you are his heir.”
“I never…” Harry tried again but Penny didn’t hear him.
“There are rules that say my uncle can essentially sell me and my body to a man I don’t know and probably don’t like, rather than to a man of my choosing, simply because he has ideas that, if anyone really knew about them, would likely land him in Bedlam rather than the House of Lords. But that won’t happen because he is a man, and he can send me to London to seduce and then ruin Lord Fullbridge all because he wants revenge even though I am the one who will pay the price!”
As the words died on her lips, Penny looked up at Harry with wide eyes, horrified by what she had said. She hadn’t meant to say any of that. She hadn’t meant to confess. But the secret that had been burning inside of her had come tumbling out and she had a feeling that nothing could have stopped her stream of words just then, no matter what she had done.
She had confessed her sins to Harry. She hadn’t meant to do so, but she had just the same. And now he would likely hate her for it.
Slowly, Penny allowed her hand to sink back to the carriage seat and she shrank back, waiting for the explosion of anger that was certain to follow. For Harry was a man of integrity and truth and honor. She would be lucky if he didn’t haul her down to Bow Street right this very minute and then toss her in Newgate. She would deserve it, after all.
On the other hand, that would save her the shame and embarrassment of what was to come.
For a long moment, Harry said nothing. Then, to Penny’s utter shock, he smiled. Smiled? Smiled! Was the man daft? Or had her tirade terrified him and he was now convinced he was trapped in a carriage with a madwoman, wondering how soon they could reach Bedlam? That was the more likely explanation.
“It is about time you told me the truth, sweetheart.” Surprising her again, Harry reached out and covered her hand that still rested on the carriage seat with his. “It rather feels good, doesn’t it, my perfect Penny? Maybe even refreshing?
“You…you…knew?” Suddenly the knot in Penny’s stomach grew even bigger. “How? Why? I mean, I don’t…”
Harry moved just a bit closer to her as the carriage plodded slowly through the early morning London traffic. “I am a Runner, sweetheart. Did you think the rumors about your rather mad hunt through the ballrooms of London for a man you could not seem to find would not reach my ears in one way or another? That I would not be curious and investigate? Especially after I met you?”
Penny gulped and she struggled to breathe. Had it always been this hot in here? “I had rather hoped it would not. I was trying to be discreet.” He hadn’t tossed her out of the carriage yet, so she supposed that was a good thing. Maybe she wouldn’t end up in Newgate after all.
“You are terrible at subterfuge, my darling Penny, and discreet is not a word I would associate with you. Ever. I knew you were rubbish at hiding things even before I met you.”
Suddenly, Penny understood. “That night at the Covington ball. You were watching me.”
Harry shook his head. “Not at first. You were acting strangely, though, which was enough to catch my attention. I have seen desperate young ladies in my time, and then there was you. The frantic way you were searching the ball caught my eye. Then I started watching you. And, of course, when I discovered you speaking with Julia, well, that was a perfect opportunity to ask for an introduction.”
Penny closed her eyes and winced. “So Julia knows then? Eliza too, I suspect? All of this? The friendship? The dinner? The invitations? They have all been an act?”
“No!” Harry rushed to reassure her which made Penny feel a bit better. “At first, I think Julia was merely concerned. She saw something of herself in you which caught her attention. She was afraid you were…being abused. Or suffering. It is something she knows well. And she does truly like you and considers you a friend. That was no lie. She does not give her trust or her friendship easily.”
Given the woman’s scars, Penny could well understand that. “That makes sense.”
Harry nodded and threaded his fingers through hers. “Then, rumors started to swirl that night. You refused to dance with Lord Pike, and something didn’t seem quite right. There were rumors elsewhere that someone was after Phin, though I didn’t know about those rumors until much later. Your uncle is not nearly as careful or discreet as he assumes.
“Given that you were looking for someone in particular, that you had arrived in London alone? Well, there were just too many red flags to ignore. Especially for the Bloody Duke’s sister. We are a suspicious lot. All of us.”
“Suspicious?” Oh, this simply became worse and worse. Penny wanted to cry. “Was that why you had Julia introduce us that night? Because you believed I was in London for nefarious purposes?” Which, of course, was true. She had been. She still was. Though she didn’t say that.
This time, Harry grasped both of her hands in his. “Not at first. At first? It was pure attraction. I saw you and I wanted you, Penny. You made me feel desire, true desire, which is something I have not felt in a very long time. I wished for an introduction so very badly, and Julia just happened to be in the position to provide one.”
“And then?”
Harry sighed. “And then I saw the scar on your left shoulder. It can only be from a whip. I recognized it at once.”
Without thinking, Penny’s hand strayed to her shoulder. “You saw that?”
He nodded. “I did and, well, I am a Runner, Penny. I investigate. I question. And, in general, like my friends, I do not trust. At least not easily. Between the scar and Julia’s growing suspicions? Especially after your refusal of Pike, a man that every young lady of the ton is trying to land as their husband? If it were truly a husband you sought, well, then you would have seized the opportunity Julia offered. That you did not? Well, it spoke to something more unusual about you.”
“And so you allowed me to believe for all this time that you had no idea why I was here?” Penny was incredulous and just a little angry. Though she also recognized that she had little cause to be angry. She was the one who had been lying, after all. Though so had Harry, if one wanted to point that out. She didn’t. It was, she thought, the wiser course of action.
�
��I allowed you opportunities to tell me,” Harry corrected gently. “Even last night. Remember our conversation about good people doing bad things?”
Penny felt her face heat with a furious blush. “I do.” She sighed, every inch of her body so very weary. “And I wanted to confess. I did. I’ve wanted to confess so very often, but…”
“But you feared what would happen if you did, correct?” Harry rapped on the ceiling of the coach, which must have been a signal to the drive to continue on, for they had arrived at the Willfield town home, even though the carriage had not yet completely stopped moving.
Once the carriage was in motion again, Harry looked at her with those mesmerizing eyes of his, and Penny knew he was expecting an answer. “My Uncle Charles. He will…” She gestured wildly. “I doubt he will kill me, though I would not put it past him, but he will banish me first. India. America. Canada. Australia. I’ve no idea where, but I know that wherever I end up, it will not be good. My uncle is angry and vindictive and he blames Phin for Elizabeth’s death.”
“We know.”
“We?”
“Nick. Ben. Marcus. Myself. Some others. We know.”
“But how?”
“Again, your uncle is not careful, Penny.”
Harry was correct on that score, Penny admitted to herself. Uncle Charles was often brash and reckless, acting without thinking of the consequences. Consequences that could still come back to haunt her, no matter how many people knew the truth.
“He will hurt her if I don’t obey him,” Penny warned. “My cousin Josie. She is why I am doing this. My uncle will place her in Phin’s path if I fail and she is an innocent. Truly. I’m afraid Lord Fullbridge will destroy her.”
Harry gave a bark of laughter. “Phin Trew is about as harmless as a kitten. At least these days. I’m not saying he doesn’t have his moments, but good God, Penny! Do you really think he is a monster?”
A Lady for the Taking Page 24
