Adrenaline filled his body; it felt like he was floating as he watched himself pull up toward Ann, a smile plastered on his face.
The image of Ann and he climbing Liberty Bell—was it the future, already recorded in God's book? Her future with him in it? Two weeks from now? Two months? A year?
But why would he do that to her? It wouldn't be right to burden her with his disease. No, maybe God had written it down, but Cameron would rewrite future history just as Taylor had.
The water swirled and he stared at a New York skyline as if from a plane. The view zoomed in to Ann sitting at a dark wood table at a restaurant with a man who toasted her and laughed. As she raised her glass, Ann's mouth smiled but her eyes didn't.
The scene shifted again and Ann sat in her car staring at a picture of Cameron taped to the dashboard. She sighed and yanked the picture free and stuffed it in her glove compartment. She dabbed her eyes with the backs of her hands and shook her head.
Another shift and Ann lifted an Emmy above her head.
The water changed again and Cameron watched himself editing a video in what looked like a home office, the clock on the wall reading 1:07 a.m. Three awards lay stacked on their sides on the desk next to him.
Another shift. Ann sitting at a dinner table with two beautiful girls who looked like her and the fourth spot at the table empty. Then the phone rang and Ann answered saying she understood, pain in her eyes as she hung up the phone, her back to the girls, then turning and forcing out a smile.
Cameron again, hair gray and thinning, sitting in a dim room alone watching television, a slight shaft of daylight piercing into the shuttered living room. Piles of books. A dusty coffee table. Bloodshot eyes.
So the future would be as bleak as the past. He wouldn't end up with Ann. With anyone. Sad. Her future looked better than his, but he couldn't shake the image of the empty chair at dinner. Was it him missing? Or the man he'd seen with Ann in the New York restaurant?
It was okay. It was his destiny to be alone.
Cameron squatted down, his head slumped forward, and a soft moan seeped from his lips. He sank deeper into himself to the quiet place where he couldn't lie to himself.
He loved Ann. And he couldn't stop loving her.
If she would have him, diseased mind and all, he would go to her and pour his heart out to her for the rest of his life.
He looked up. Taylor's eyes were riveted on the water. "Look."
Cameron turned.
The lake boiled for a moment, then cleared. Scenes of Ann and Cameron flashed across the surface.
She and Cameron stood on a ledge overlooking a tropical valley, an azure sea beyond that. "I think I like Costa Rica," she whispered. Her head was wrapped in small golden and crimson flowers, her turquoise dress was whipped by a strong wind, and Cameron held a diamond ring between his fingers.
A Christmas scene with Ann and him skiing the Swiss Alps with two other couples. The following summer they would rent a houseboat on Ross Lake, and Cameron would get so sore water-skiing he would slather BenGay over his entire body.
A child was born: a boy. Then another boy and a year later a daughter.
Now Cameron was speaking to a packed house at UCLA film school. Ann sat in the front row, her hair up, face radiant.
"What did you do?" Taylor grabbed Cameron's arm.
His lips slowly separated as he turned and stared at Taylor. What had he done? He'd changed his mind, surrendered to the longing inside and dreamed of building a life with her.
"I didn't do . . . I decided if she'll have me, I'm going to love Ann the rest of my life."
Speaking it out loud made him shiver. He shouldn't have said it. That made it real and real was too frightening.
Cameron closed his eyes and shut down the feeling, then shut down the choice to move forward. No. He couldn't do that to her. Even if she chose to be with him . . . So much better for her to find someone whole.
"It's changing back again," Taylor said.
Cameron opened his eyes and stared at the lake.
The scene had changed back to the one with Ann in New York with a smile and sad eyes. The man at the table opened a Tiffany's box and she nodded.
Cameron standing on the top of El Capitán alone.
Ann dropping off the girls for a weekend with their father.
Cameron old and flipping through channels on a television screen that covered his entire wall.
The water shifted and there was nothing to see except the placid still waters. Cameron watched and waited for five minutes but no other scenes came.
Cameron stared at Taylor as both men let what they'd just witnessed sink in.
"I saw myself years into the future, still alive. I was doing things you have to have a memory to do. Does that mean I'm going to be okay?"
"I don't know, my friend."
"Have I been cured?"
Taylor shook his head. "I don't know."
"I need to know."
"I don't think you can."
Cameron rubbed his face and stared at the surface of the water. "Tell me," he said to it, even though he knew there would be no answer.
Jessie. She was right. It was his choice to live or not to live.
Cameron gazed at the mountains, the trees, and finally the lake before looking at Taylor.
"So what future will you choose?" Taylor finally said.
"I don't know."
"Yes, you do."
"Life."
"Does that life include Ann?"
"I don't know. She has her choices to make. I have mine."
"Well said."
Cameron closed his eyes, lifted his head, and drew in a long breath of the pure air surrounding them.
"We need to head back," Taylor said.
As they made their way out of the valley, Taylor threw his arm across Cameron's shoulders. "You're free, my friend."
"As are you."
Taylor turned for a last look at the lake. "I'll see Annie again soon."
"But not yet."
"No, not yet."
CHAPTER 48
I didn't hear you leave this morning." Tricia shook out the porch mat and flopped it back down next to the front door as Taylor meandered up their walkway. The setting sun framed his silhouette. And even though his face was obscured, she saw something about him had changed.
"I left rather early."
"Just you, or did you bring along a guest?"
"I brought a guest." Taylor rubbed his chin with his forefinger.
"Where did you and Cameron go?"
"I took him to see the Book of Days."
Tricia smiled and took his hands in hers. "And what did you find?"
"I made an amazing discovery." Taylor grinned and wrapped her up in his arms. "I found the Taylor Stone you used to know. Apparently there is nothing that can't be forgiven."
"I've suspected that for a long time." Tears welled up in her eyes as she squeezed him as hard as she could.
After separating, Taylor stood with his hands in his coat pockets, rocking back and forth on his heels. "How would you like to go for a walk with me?"
"On a gorgeous summer evening, why is that something I'd want to take the time to do?"
"Because you love me."
She reached into his coat pocket and slid her hand into his. "Well, there is always that."
They strolled down the street, Tricia not knowing where they were going and not caring. Her husband had come home. The change in his countenance was stunning. Even the air around him seemed lighter.
Taylor slid his hand into hers and squeezed twice as they continued down the road. She kicked a stick out of their way. "So the Book of Days is real."
"Very."
"And
it shows you every memory and your entire future."
"No, the book shows you what you need to see. I didn't need to see the future, but I did see some things from the past."
"Like Annie."
Taylor nodded.
"And?"
"It's okay." He squeezed her hand again. "I'm okay."
"Why do I sense a hint of regret in your eyes?"
Taylor massaged his forehead, then left his hand covering his eyes for a long time.
"It looks like Kirk Gillum killed Jason."
Tricia stumbled. "No . . . no."
Taylor nodded and told her what happened at the lake.
"I'm sorry." She leaned into his chest. "Are you all right?"
"I will be. Even though Jason didn't . . . we didn't . . . I found my peace." Taylor sighed. "Let's talk about Cameron, okay?"
"Did he see his future?"
"Yes."
"So he knows what will happen?" Tricia asked.
"He knows he has a choice."
"So will they choose each other?"
"I'd love to eavesdrop when they talk, but I don't think we're invited."
Cameron and Ann's future. It would likely be set during their next conversation. She prayed they would choose wisely.
CHAPTER 49
The two o'clock sun warmed Cameron's back on Saturday as Ann and he sat at the top of the cliff where a little over two weeks ago, her silhouette had stopped him from trying to join Jessie early. He dug into his backpack, pulled out two blackberry PowerBars, and offered one to Ann.
"Thanks." She took it with a smile.
"Did I ever mention you saved my life here?"
"No."
Cameron unwrapped his bar and stared at the forest floor far below. "I gave considerable thought to 'losing my grip.'"
"You're serious."
"Yeah." Cameron started to put on his sunglasses but turned and looked Ann in the eye. "When I looked up and saw your silhouette, it stopped me from . . . Thanks for making the climb just before me."
"My pleasure."
"Apparently I have a few more pages to add to God's book."
Cameron had led them up the face and to the top in a leisurely fashion, taking time to savor the brilliant early August morning, feeling the magnificent strain on his arms and legs as they worked together in a smooth rhythm—clipping in carabineers, roping and unroping, suggesting holds and routes, and tossing smiles back and forth across the cliff face.
Now sitting at the top of their climb, having told her how close he'd come to killing himself, he let the peace of the moment settle over him. Only one more confession to go. But not right away.
"It still amazes me that the Book of Days is real." Ann breathed deep. "It's hard to let go of how insensitive I was to Jessie about it. I refused to believe her."
"So you haven't forgiven yourself for that?"
"Are you my spiritual advisor now?" Ann punched him lightly in the shoulder.
"How about forgiving your mom for what she did or didn't do?"
She leaned back, bracing herself on her hands, and smiled. "As a matter of fact, I have. I let it go. What my mom did to me . . . what I did to Jessie."
"How does it feel?"
"I feel free." Ann smiled and looked at the sky.
Cameron let the scene around him soak into his memory. A memory he might be able to hold. If not, God would hold it for him.
"Taylor says when he and Grange are gone, someone needs to be the guardian of the book. I think he handed the baton to me. I wouldn't mind having a partner in that venture."
"You're asking me?"
"Would you like to go there?"
"To the lake? Without question." Ann grabbed his hand. "Will I see anything?"
"Yes, I think so. I . . . I don't know." Cameron fumbled for the words. "It's not like I had any control over what it showed me or didn't show me." Cameron smiled. "I would love to see what it would show you."
"And you couldn't see everything it contains?"
"I thought I'd be able to. I thought it would tell the story of every soul on earth. That I'd be able to access every memory I'd ever had and look into my entire future. But the book is far smarter than that. I only saw glimpses, quick scenes of what was, what is to come, and what could come. Like I said, it only showed me what it wanted to show me."
Ann arched an eyebrow and quirked her lips. "It?"
"God."
"So He's real, then?"
"Most definitely."
"What are you going to do about that?"
"Learn, explore, follow Him."
Ann laughed, threw her arms around him, and squeezed tight. "As soon as you picked me up this morning, I knew it. It's all over your face." She pulled back and studied him. "It's over all of you."
"That's a good thing?"
Ann nodded and squeezed him again. "Would you mind terribly if I called you Wesley? It sounds so much better than Farm Boy."
He knew those names. Where were they from? He laughed. Of all the things to remember. "The Princess Bride."
"Yes." She leaned her head against his shoulder. "What did His book show you about us?"
"That we have a choice to change what might become."
"You sound like Dickens."
"What does that mean?"
"Scrooge changed things after his visit from the three ghosts, didn't he?"
"Ah yes." Cameron slid his arm around her and pulled her into his chest.
"So the future is fluid."
"If you like those words, yes."
"In this fluid future, if we both choose the way you'd like us to, where would we end up?"
Time for his final confession.
"I had hoped God would cure me at the lake. I have no idea if He did. It feels like something has changed, but that could be only my imagination." He took her hands in his. "I never thought I could let Jessie go." He reached for the familiar sensation of the stone around his neck, but his fingers found nothing. "But I have. And even though my mind might be gone in a month or a year, whatever time I have left, I want to spend it with you."
Ann didn't respond for a long time. When she did, she stood, pulled him up, and held both his hands in hers. "Do you regret the years you spent with Jessie? Even if you'd known the future, would you have pushed her out of your life, or would you have still savored every moment?"
She gazed toward Three Peaks in the distance. "I met a guy once who had a near-death experience. He was a white-water rafting guide on the Rogue River in southern Oregon. Going through Blossom Bar, he made a rookie mistake and ended up underwater for five minutes. They revived him and now he goes around speaking about living life to the full today because tomorrow it could be gone."
Ann slid her hands up Cameron's arms. "At the time I wrote it off. Carpe diem and all that has always seemed like a cliché to me. But it changed when you and I were on the side of that cliff dancing with death.
"I have no idea if we'll be dead tomorrow. We could die tonight. But I do know every moment we don't live to the full now, will be a moment we regret for the rest of our lives; however short that might be. So let's live, Cameron. While we have today—let's live."
Cameron smiled. "That's a good speech. Maybe just a hint of melodrama, but overall an excellent speech."
Ann whacked him on the head, and he pulled her in tight.
Wind whipped through his hair as he lifted her chin and kissed her for a long time. A very long time.
"Ann Banister, let's go record an amazing life together."
Dear Reader,
Why do we take hundreds of pictures of our spouses, kids, and friends?
I believe it's because of a universal desire to record our lives, to somehow keep t
he ravages of time from eroding our most treasured moments.
It was around 2000 that my family realized my dad had started losing his most treasured memories. As parts of his mind slipped away, it only caused the joy inside him to be released in fuller measure—that part was a gift. Even so, the pain of watching him walk down the path of the long good-bye was wrenching.
As the disease progressed, I started to wonder where my dad's memories were going. Were they mist? Or could God somehow, someday restore them? When I found Psalm 139:16, it was a huge comfort. I knew that his memories would be returned to him when he crossed over into eternity. God had recorded them in His book.
Then I thought, what if God's book could be found on Earth? From that question Book of Days was born.
If the mind of someone you loved or love is melting away, my desire is you find hope in this story, that you will embrace the idea that not one of the treasured moments you shared together is lost.
In the age to come God will restore memories and relationships, and He will revive the most joyful events of our lives to be celebrated again and again.
With great anticipation of reading His Book of Days in eternity,
James L. Rubart
www.jimrubart.com
Discussion Questions
1. What character in the book can you relate to most? Why?
2. Which character in Book of Days most surprised you?
3. What themes did you see in the novel?
4. Cameron is losing his memories of Jessie and it terrifies him. Do you worry about losing some of your memories? Read Psalm 139:16. What does that say to you about memories in light of eternity?
5. If God has forgiven our sins, do you think those parts of our lives will be edited out of God’s Book of Days? (See Psalm 103:12.)
6. Both Cameron and Taylor Stone have to let go of their late wives to be free. Why do we hold on to things from our past that weigh us down? Is there anything or anyone you’ve been holding on to that you need to let go of?
7. Taylor Stone likes Cameron from the start, but he tries to push him away because of the memories that are stirred up. Have you ever shunned a friendship because of a painful memory it reminds you of? What keeps you from dealing with painful memories?
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