‘I did the best I could.’ Her guilt was making her defensive.
‘Tell me how giving me away was for the best?’
‘Sylvia was a good person and she was desperate for a baby. I was a bad person who had a baby. I gave you to her because, at seventeen, that worked for me. I’m sorry it didn’t work for you.’
As soon as she’d said the words, she wanted to snatch them back. Oh God, she was just making this worse. Her poor baby girl. Her flesh and blood … what had she done to her?
‘So who’s my father?’
Julia had known this question would come; had been dreading it, too. There was only one answer she could give right now.
‘I don’t know.’
‘You don’t know, or you won’t tell me?’
Silence. Two pairs of eyes glaring at each other.
‘The second,’ Julia said finally, unable to continue the lie.
‘Why not?’
‘I’m just not ready.’
Hope dawned in her daughter’s eyes. ‘But you will tell me? Sometime soon?’
‘Possibly.’
Never, never, never – the words resounded in Julia’s skull. It would ruin everything.
‘So I’m just supposed to hang around until you decide I’m worthy enough to find out who my dad is, which might be never?’
Julia stretched her hand towards her daughter. ‘That’s not what I meant.’
Chloe pulled away. ‘It’s exactly what you meant. I’ll leave now, shall I? That Montana woman might give me a lift to town.’
The girl moved towards the door, towards the kitchen, towards Montana, her aunt, who would drive her back to town and right out of their lives. Oh Lord …
‘Stay,’ said Julia. ‘Please stay.’
It was going to cause all sorts of complications having Chloe here, but she was her daughter. Finally, her daughter had come to find her.
‘You don’t want me though,’ muttered Chloe, dejection in every syllable.
I want you … I want you so much …
Tears were pricking at the corners of Julia’s eyes and her hands were shaking. It was a wonder her knees were still holding her up. She had handled things so badly. She needed to save this.
‘Look, Chloe, I can’t tell you how pleased I am to finally meet you. It’s something I’ve longed for. But we need to get to know each other … Take this one step at a time.’
‘So, what do you want me to do?’ asked the girl. ‘Go? Stay? What?’
Julia took a deep breath, prayed her next words were going to be the right ones. ‘You’re here now for the cook’s job. Let’s just not mention yet to anyone you’re my daughter. It’ll give us a chance to get to know one another; see where it leads without anyone interfering. Give our relationship a chance.’
Her child was still poised to flee, staring at Julia with untrusting eyes. God, what had happened to her as she’d grown up? Julia felt instantly ashamed because she wasn’t sure she really wanted to know. She felt her body beginning to shake.
Finally Chloe said, ‘Okay. I’ll give you a few weeks, but then I want to know who my father is.’
Never, never, never, said the voice inside her head. But she would sort that out later. Make something up … or think of something else. She had to. There was no way Rick could ever know her secret.
‘Okay,’ she said. And she let out the breath she hadn’t known she was holding.
As mother and daughter made their way back into the cafe, Chloe glanced sideways – a little bashfully, Julia thought – and said, ‘What do we do about Ernie? I told him about us.’
‘He thinks you’re my niece, so we’ll leave it at that. Ernie’s a retired doctor and he’s also your sidekick in the kitchen.’
Chloe’s face lit up. ‘Really? Oh wow, he’s a real groover. Bet he can cook good, too. Don’t them Brits love stuff like kippers and Yorkshire puds? Maybe he can teach me how to make a cucumber sanga. Always wondered how they do it without the bread going soggy.’
Julia stared at her daughter. ‘How do you know about that stuff?’ It wasn’t the type of knowledge she’d expect from a twenty-year-old who looked like this.
The girl blushed and flicked her fringe out of her eyes. Julia was once again struck by her prettiness.
‘I read a lot of books,’ she said, looking down. ‘Sylvia used to take me to the library every Saturday.’
So she wasn’t that bad a mother, Julia thought, relieved.
‘We’d spend all weekend reading. She didn’t like to go out much. I never even got a birthday party.’
Julia wanted to die. No trips to the beach or the park? Or to friends’ houses? No sleepovers?
‘It was okay,’ Chloe said, noticing Julia’s distress. ‘I made a friend at the library. Lauren.’
Julia grabbed hold of the information like a life raft. ‘Oh, wonderful! What was she like?’
‘Great. She was my best friend. Then she died.’
Oh God. Thankfully, they were back at the doorway to the kitchen and there was no time for any more heartbreaking details of Julia’s daughter’s sad, lonely life.
Ernie was sitting by himself reading a local lifestyle magazine. Julia had been researching the publication to see if it would be a good place to advertise the cafe.
‘Where’s Montana?’ she asked.
‘I suggested she head back to town and talk to Owen about her sheep difficulties,’ Ernie said. ‘He’s a good fellow, he’ll sort out those two hot-headed Hallorans.’
‘Um …’ Julia didn’t know how to put it. ‘You didn’t happen to mention about Chloe being my niece?’
Ernie looked shocked. ‘Goodness, no. That’s none of my business. I wouldn’t have dreamed of mentioning it.’ He got up and pushed in his chair with a thump.
Julia feared she’d offended him. ‘Ernie, I wasn’t meaning to suggest you have a loose tongue or anything.’
‘What she means,’ said Chloe, ‘is we want to get to know each other first before we go putting it out there that we’re related. But you’re special seeing you work here and all.’
Ernie paused, then said, ‘Well, that sounds reasonable.’
‘And we were wondering if you could show me around the kitchen, seeing we’re in this together? In the meantime, I can tell you about my tatts and you can talk to me about your son’s?’
Ernie smiled. ‘Of course, Chloe, I’d be delighted.’
And just like that, her daughter cut through Julia’s bumbling and made everything okay. Julia sighed with relief and backed out the door.
She’d leave them to it. Go and lie down, or walk around the lake, or do yoga – whatever the hell people did these days to calm down. She needed time alone to process the fact that after twenty years her daughter had just walked into her life.
Just when everything was going so well …
She pushed the thought away. It was wrong to even let it enter her brain.
A hole had been drilled into her heart that morning when she’d placed her baby on Sylvia’s doorstep, kissed that soft cheek one last time, and tucked the bluebird bracelet inside the pink bunny rug. The hole had been there inside Julia ever since. Even her reconnection with Rick hadn’t filled it. But maybe now there was a chance it could be.
‘Where am I going to sleep?’ asked Chloe.
It was five o’clock and Ernie had gone home. When Julia had returned all puffed and sweaty from her walk around the lake, she’d been greeted with a pile of cupcakes and three sponges. Clearly her two cooks had got on splendidly; and maybe Chloe really could cook.
Now she and Julia were standing at the top of the staircase that led to Julia’s living area. The big open-plan room tucked under the rafters of the cottage wasn’t set up to accommodate two people. Besides, the new cook was supposed to stay over at the Grange. But Julia wasn’t prepared to take the risk of Chloe being so close to Rick, even though he no longer lived there. She’d have to think of something else.
There was still the p
roblem of Chloe’s proposed employment at the Grange, though. She would be around Rick at some point, which made it even more crucial that they kept quiet about their real relationship until Julia had worked out what and how to tell Rick. How the hell was she going to do that?
Chloe provided the answer to their immediate problem. ‘What about that room out the back, the one with all the boxes in it? I guess that’s where you were planning to put me, right?’
It might do. She didn’t want to let on about the Grange option in case Chloe jumped at it. But there’d barely be room to unpack a suitcase in the small room once they put a bed in there. And it’d have to be a single.
‘Doesn’t matter,’ Chloe said when Julia explained. ‘I’ve only got me duffle bag anyway. And there’s just me, isn’t there? I don’t need a double bed. Not like some people around here.’ She rolled her eyes and gave Julia a wicked grin.
‘What do you mean?’ asked Julia.
Chloe pointed. A packet of condoms sat open on Julia’s bedside table.
‘Oh.’ Julia blushed, which was ridiculous, but she couldn’t stop herself.
‘So, you and Montana’s brother, right?’
‘What? How do you –’ Then she remembered Montana’s words: I know you’re sleeping with him and you think he’s great an’ all. ‘Yes. No. Well, kind of.’
The girl nodded her head wisely. ‘One of those relationships, huh?’
How, at such a young age, could her daughter be so knowing?
Chloe must have seen her surprised expression. ‘I seen all kinds of things at school. Sylvia sent me to the local Catholic all-girls school, but that didn’t mean we didn’t sneak around and have some good times with the boys from St Pat’s.’
Julia shuddered. She’d only ever imagined her daughter around the age of five or six. A round cherub-like face, long pigtails tied with bows, all innocence. She’d forgotten that little girls grew up.
‘I’ll take it,’ said Chloe.
‘What?’
‘The job, the room.’
‘Oh, right.’ Julia hadn’t realised she’d been on trial too.
‘And the chance to get to know you … that’s if you want to get to know me?’
She sounded just like her father: twenty years of pain locked up in just one sentence.
‘I’d love the chance, Chloe.’
Chapter 19
Rick swung through the cafe door that evening with a big grin on his face, which promptly disappeared when he found a girl with tattoos sitting at a table drinking a pear cider.
‘Oh,’ he said, feeling like the air had been knocked out of him. He’d been looking forward all day to getting Julia on her own.
‘Are you the boyfriend?’ the girl said, sticking out her hand. ‘Julia’s in the kitchen dishing up tea. I’m Chloe, by the way, the new cook.’
Disappointment and a little churlishness made him ignore the hand. ‘If you’re the new cook, why are you sitting here when she’s in there?’
‘Whoa. Not one for mincing words, are ya?’
Julia appeared in the kitchen doorway. She looked surprised to see him, but there was something else in her face too. Apprehension?
‘Rick!’ she said.
‘Yep, that’s me,’ he replied, still trying to read her face. ‘Last time I looked anyway.’
‘Ha, you’re funny,’ said Chloe. ‘Kinda cute too, in an old man way, although I’d lose the pocket-knife on your belt if I were you. You can get arrested for carrying stuff like that.’
Rick stared at her. Who the hell was this creature? And why was she sitting here like she owned the place?
‘That crowbar through your eyebrow looks painful,’ he countered.
Chloe laughed, raised the eyebrow in question and waggled it. ‘You’re just jealous.’
He snorted. ‘You reckon?’
‘Hey, you gotta live a little, big fella. Guys like you are usually pussies,’ she taunted. ‘Bet you’re scared to even get a tattoo.’
‘Too right I’m scared. Why you’d want to mutilate the body you’ve been given and risk infection and everything, I have no idea. I wouldn’t let my sister get her ears pierced until she could do the aftercare herself.’
‘You’re over-thinking it.’
‘I’m not.’
‘Are too.’
‘Am –’ Rick broke off. This was ridiculous. He didn’t even know this girl, but damn, she reminded him of Montana for some reason.
Julia had disappeared back into the kitchen and now came out with plates in her hands. ‘I’ve dished you up some dinner, Rick. How about you sit down?’ Her expression was one of resignation. ‘I’d appreciate some help with the condiments, Chloe.’
The girl jumped up immediately. He hoped that was a good sign because Julia really needed the help in the cafe. The food’s delicious aromas made his tummy grumble in anticipation, but he was loath to sit down. He’d obviously interrupted something and he didn’t want to get in Julia’s way.
‘I can go,’ he said when both women had returned to the table. ‘I didn’t mean to interrupt.’
‘Are you crazy?’ said Chloe. ‘Do you realise you’re giving up roast pork? The smell while she was cooking it made me want to eat my left arm. I’ve never done a baked dinner meself.’
Bloody hell, what had Julia’s friend dumped on her for a cook? Maybe he should find out. By the time he took his seat, Chloe had already dived in and was chewing her first mouthful. Wherever the kid came from, manners obviously hadn’t been a priority. How was that going to go with the customers? Strike one.
‘So, Chloe, can you bake?’ he asked.
‘Yeah, I can do muffins and cupcakes. And I’ve tried biscuits too. I could do sandwiches. My sponges and scones are currently a flop though.’
So she couldn’t bake basic cafe fare. Strike two.
‘And what about making coffee and tea, how do you go with those?’ he asked.
‘Can’t stand hot drinks meself. Don’t know what people see in them. Although I don’t mind the smell of coffee, it’s just the taste – ewwww!’
Strike three. She was out as far as he was concerned.
He turned to Julia to say as much, but the look in her eyes stopped him in his tracks. A warning. A slight shake of her head. What the hell? The girl wasn’t suitable. Julia needed to tell her.
‘Chloe’s prepared to learn all she doesn’t know about baking from Ernie.’ Julia’s voice was level and reasonable. ‘And he’s happy to teach her how to make everything we need in the cafe.’
‘But –’
Julia spoke over him. ‘And she doesn’t need to know how to make the drinks because that’s my job. I’ve got one of Montana’s young friends coming in at the weekends to give me a hand on the front counter too.’
Right. He looked down at his plate. He obviously needed to shut the hell up. She had it all under control. But still …
Julia’s small, smooth hand covered his. ‘It’ll be fine, Rick, I promise.’
He only hoped she was right. He certainly wasn’t convinced.
‘That Ernie’s a really cool bloke. Got lots of stories,’ said Chloe, obviously trying to divert him from his critique of her skills.
‘Ernie?’ Rick looked at Julia.
The place wasn’t even meant to be open today. And he knew Charlie had called in for a morning coffee.
‘Ernie was here to help stock up the freezer,’ Julia explained. ‘He showed Chloe around the kitchen for me. I don’t think they stopped talking the whole time.’
‘He told me some interesting stuff,’ mumbled Chloe around a mouthful of food. ‘How he came to love cooking.’
Rick gave the girl another long stare. Since Betty’s death it had been difficult to get Ernie to open up about anything. He found it hard to believe this creature had managed to get him talking when none of the locals could.
‘Montana dropped in, too,’ Julia said.
‘Yeah, she’s cool. And how about that dog school?’ added Chloe.
‘Sounds like great fun.’
Montana had been here as well? And what the hell did they mean about a dog school? His sister had better things to be doing, like selling real estate!
‘Julia? What do you know?’ he asked.
‘Not much,’ she said, but she wouldn’t meet his eyes.
‘Julia …’ He knew his tone was condescending but he couldn’t help it. What was that damn fool sister of his planning now?
‘She just said she’d like to run a working dog school here in a few weeks, that’s all.’
Rick felt his teeth grinding. ‘You aren’t ready. She’s putting too much pressure on you. How many is she talking about?’
‘Fifteen doing the school, and others watching,’ put in Chloe. ‘And plenty of dogs. It’ll be amazing to see so many dogs running up and down the hills.’
Rick threw the girl a filthy look. Couldn’t she just sit there and shut up? This was between him, Julia and his sister. Nothing to do with her.
‘I’ll get her to put it off,’ he told Julia. ‘It’s not fair to you, all the extra pressure. She’s getting so carried away with her new hobby, she’s being selfish.’
‘No, you won’t,’ said Julia.
He stared at her. Rather than meeting his gaze, Julia picked up her glass and refilled it with water from the jug on the table.
‘I said I’d help Montana, and I will. She isn’t doing anything wrong. She’s just hiring my cafe and land to cater for her dog school for two days. It’s a business transaction.’
‘It’s a distraction,’ Rick growled. ‘She should be concentrating on selling real estate, not playing farmers.’
Julia glared at him. ‘Your sister’s looking for something for herself. She can’t sculpt like you, and she isn’t a movie star like your mother or a painter like your father. You can’t deny her this chance to find her thing!’
‘I’m not denying her. I’ve never denied her anything.’
Rick realised he’d practically yelled the last sentence. Now there was complete silence. Outside a tawny frogmouth owl hooted in the night. He stared down at his plate and realised just how tired he was of being the responsible one. The one who held things together. He’d tried so hard to protect his sister from … well, everything.
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